Monday's jokes of the day...

[SuiteDisney]

Since CC asked so sweetly, I'm going to do one joke thread a day. I'll add jokes throughout the day so please visit often and comment (or I might feel like I'm talking to myself). And please add your jokes... we can't laugh too much.

I'll start you off with a groaner...
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What do you get when two giraffes collide?
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A giraffic jam.

 

[JasonLyons]

remind me not to tell anyone that, but is was a short post

 

[SuiteDisney]

Father Murphy goes into a local bar in Dublin and approaches
the first man he sees. "Do you want to go to Heaven?" he asks
and the man says, "Indeed I do, Father." "Then for God's sake,"
commands the priest, "leave this pub right now."

He then goes to the next man, "Do you want to go to Heaven,
my son?" And the man answers, "Yes Father, indeed I want to
do that very thing." "Then ye must get out of this pub right
now!" orders the priest.

Father Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he comes
to the last man. "Do you want to go to Heaven, man?!" exhorts
the priest.

The man looks at his half-full beer, turns, looks at Father
Murphy and says, "No, I don't, Father."

"You mean to tell me, young man, that when you die, you don't
want to go to Heaven?" asks the priest incredulously.

"Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I certainly do. I thought you
were getting a group together to go right now!"

 

[kejoda]

LOL!

 

[kozmo]

Thats going straight to the "snowbank"

 

[SuiteDisney]

There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops
showed up.

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and
halter tops.

They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes
would have matching team colors.

June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit
that "forsaking all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped-up '73
Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame
designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were
really old) would get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of
"Best Man."

There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at
half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to
the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and
liquor really does add up.

Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The
burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab
extras from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free
drink passes at the local lounge.

The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be
form-fitted to her butt.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a
hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza, and plenty of
bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that veil routine. But they would
insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it
could go.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous
funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.

Invitations would read as follow: Tom (Dick or Harry) is
getting the old ball and chain. He's getting married.
He either: A) Knocked her up, B) Couldn't get a different
roommate, or C) Caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the
woman who will cook and clean for him For the rest of his
life at Soldier Field Stadium On the 50-Yard Line at
Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the
Moonlight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza.
Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B.

 

[SuiteDisney]

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row
waiting to go in the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward
first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner,
strapping him in.

"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and
nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the
prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward. "Do you have anything you want
to say?"

"No, just get on with it." The executioner flicked the switch, and
again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward. "Do you have anything
you want to say?" asked the executioner.

"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires
over, you might make this thing work."

 

[Poohbear123]

LOL! I like the last one!

 

[LisaTx]

Loved the wedding one, Laura. I can picture all of those too.

I have some engineering friends who will love that last one.

 

[SuiteDisney]

1. What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?

2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4. What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5. Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?

6. What does a dog do that you can step into?

7. What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?

8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

9. What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

10. What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?



Whatever were you thinking? Here are the answers...

ANSWERS:
1. talk
2. legs
3. a twenty dollar bill
4. fire truck
5. bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt
6. pants
7. fork
8. Almond Joy candy bar
9. grit
10. last name

 

[SuiteDisney]

* The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

* Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989
when she got a divorce.

* The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of gas and crashed.

* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

* The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who
is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

* Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los
Angeles.

* She is numb from her toes down.

* While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.

* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

* Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

* Patient was alert and unresponsive.

* When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

 

[SuiteDisney]

One morning a woman and her baby were taking public transportation.
As she entered the bus the driver said, "Wow! That is one ugly baby."
The woman, deeply hurt, just continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.

The man asked, "What's wrong, you look mad?"

She replied, "I am." "That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect.

If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him."
"You're right sir, I think I will report him," she said. The elderly man said,

"You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

[SuiteDisney]

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist Church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task.

Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That will be $20."

The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day.

The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.

"I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."

The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."

 

[JulesMom]

I love the wedding one!

 

[CathyCanada]

My fave is the Patients' Charts!!!
Thanks Laura!!!
CC

 

[cotye]

Only one joke per day?

 

[SuiteDisney]

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why
I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
clothes on the last day of their life? -- Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's
what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if
you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest
number you could come up with! -- Age 6

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of
days saved up. -- Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood
would be right there. -- Age 5

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started. -- Age 15

 

[SuiteDisney]

Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, amazed, astounded, and unsettled.

 

[supercarrie]

I love the deep thoughts. I fully agree with the first 15 year old - who wants to do laundry on the last day of their life???

 

[catsrule]

Loved em' all, skipped the ones I already saw. Keep em' coming.