mom's in a nursing home

[lisajl]

Hi everyone!
Some of you may have seen posts over a year ago about my mom getting Alzheimers. I had some great help from all of you then. It's good to get opinions from people other than your family.
Well, my mom is finally in a nursing home. It's a really nice one, close to my sister and I. I don't have a problem with going there, but has anyone here dealt with a home before?

I try to get my mom to be more involved but she does not want to be.
When I was there last week we walked around the home. We were only out of her room for about 15 minutes and she said she had to get back.
She was afraid they would be bringing her something, or had to get her and she would not be in the room for them.(She keeps her room at 80 degrees or better)!

I can only go over twice a week for about 1-2 hours depending on the kids schedules. My sister hardly goes over, our brothers never go over.
I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. My sister does go over to get moms clothes to wash them, but she does not stay for any length of time.

Next Sunday is Easter and I am afraid to take mom out of the nursing home.
The kids and I are going to make her an Easter basket, but I don't know what else to do for her.
Mom does not talk to my youngest they are 11 and 8 years old. They know she has no interest in them, so they do not want to be around her.
It's all very sad. All my mom talks about is my dad and she should have never married him, etc.

Oh geesh! Sorry...this is too long and now I am getting a little sad over it all.
If anyone could give me some pointers on how to get through this, it would be appreciated.
Thanks
Lisa

 

[Kimberly]

Complicated situation, although I think your mother will be fine around your kids, I'm not so sure how she'll feel if she sees your brothers as well, those who never visit her. Easter is a time for families to get together though, and nothing should get in the way of that.

 

[lisajl]

Well, my brothers won't be a problem. I have not seen them since last July.
One of our nephews got married and I think I said maybe a dozen words to one and 6 to the other.
Not a very close knit family.

 

[Kimberly]

Sounds a bit like mine... for holidays everyone seems to get along though. Good luck!

 

[Deb & Bill]

When my dad got really bad, we placed him in an Alzheimers Facility - only Alzheimers patients. This made the facility a lot more open for the residents. They had a few dogs and cats that lived there and wandered around the facility. The residents could go outside and be safe. They could wander all around the facility (there were four hallways off the main living area for the residents to wander).

It wasn't too far from my sister's, my brother's and my mom's home so they were able to see him often. We drove down on weekends to visit. We didn't take him out of the facility because it was just too hard. He was so confused all the time. Most the time, he didn't recognize us either.

Thankfully, he didn't live much longer. It was so hard seeing him so confused all the time. When I was there visiting him, I walked with him all over the place. Holding his hand and walking. He didn't realize I was his daughter or even if I was one of the staff.

The staff were great.

At least I have some wonderful memories of my mom and dad.

 

[lisajl]

When my dad got really bad, we placed him in an Alzheimers Facility - only Alzheimers patients. This made the facility a lot more open for the residents. They had a few dogs and cats that lived there and wandered around the facility. The residents could go outside and be safe. They could wander all around the facility (there were four hallways off the main living area for the residents to wander).

It wasn't too far from my sister's, my brother's and my mom's home so they were able to see him often. We drove down on weekends to visit. We didn't take him out of the facility because it was just too hard. He was so confused all the time. Most the time, he didn't recognize us either.

Thankfully, he didn't live much longer. It was so hard seeing him so confused all the time. When I was there visiting him, I walked with him all over the place. Holding his hand and walking. He didn't realize I was his daughter or even if I was one of the staff.

The staff were great.

At least I have some wonderful memories of my mom and dad.

Thank you for your post. I guess that could be some of my moms problems.
Not wanting to leave the room, gets confused, etc.
She was telling me some interesting family facts the last time I was there, and you know what, I believe her! It would explain a lot!

Maybe we should take dinner to her? Did you ever do that?

Thanks again for your post, I am sorry for your loss.

Lisa

 

[minkydog]

It is a sad situation. You have ever right to grieve. It would be nice if your kids would go with you to visit Grandma on Easter, even if she doesn't talk to them. She may not know who they are, but they know who she is. I probably wouldn't take her out, since she obviously gets anxious when she's away from her room. Bring her a small basket, but don't feel like you have to stay for hours. She may not really need that and it may just be more upsetting for everyone. Perhaps you can walk outside with her for a few minutes, if she seems up for that. If not then don't feel too responsible.
Alzheimers is such a tragic disease.

 

[Rella Bella]

Hey Lisa,

We haven't experienced Alzheimers but we have had 4 parents in nursing homes over the last 5 years, so I can empathise. It is so hard to watch your parents 'check out' on life. But once they reach that place we have the hard task of letting them go and accepting they aren't who they were.

Only my mom is left now... and I take my son to see her several times a year for very short periods of time. She loves him but his energy puts her on edge, and although I think it's good for him to be around her -- after having visited 4 grandparents over and over I don't press him to do it too often.

As for Easter... if taking her out is too much, don't feel gulity. Just do what you can do. If you take the Easter basket & the kids for a short visit that's fine. Really. Just explain to the kids that it's not her fault she isn't "there for them" and that in spite of the fact that it's not fun, it is important to show love & respect for their grand parent.

Just wanted you to know you're not alone...
Sending your prayers & Pixie Dust

 

[lisajl]

Oh my, I am crying. I can't thank you enough for your words of support and help.
I just feel so overwhelmed with it all.
It does not make it any easier knowing that the rest of my family just does not care that much.
I get so frustrated with them. I am the only one with kids at home and yet everyone thinks I should do more. I just want to scream!

Then my sister and I cleaned out moms apartment and an older woman yelled at us for putting mom in the home.
Most of the women that knew my mom, told us it was the best thing we could have done for her.
Those women have a special place in my heart.

I will be going over there probably tomorrow after work and then on Wed.
to get her clothes to wash them. My kids are excited to be able to make a basket for Grandma. The boys want to put nasty stuff in it, you know, boy stuff! LOL! I know they are just kidding and it helps lighten my spirit.
My DD is 20 and we bought some plastic eggs and grass to make the basket, now just have to figure out what to put in it. Any suggestions?

Thanks again.
Lisa

 

[DVC Sadie]

Lisa, We had to have my father in a home for the last 4 months of his life due to Alzheimer.s disease. My mother and I went to visit everyday and after the first month he no longer spoke to us or acknowledged us in any way. Please do not feel guilty for not bringing your mother home for Easter. She is in a safe environment and would probably be very confused outside of her established routine. Please take care of yourself and just visit your mother when you can.

 

[Disney Doll]

It's hard when our parents aren't who they were.

Don't be too hard on your sister...she may be grieving in her own way the loss of her mother. Because it is a loss...it's a loss of the mother you all knew. As far as your brother, well, if he wasn't close or involved before, this change in situation probably isn't going to make him more involved now.

As far as your mother...don't be too hard on yourself either. You are doing the best you can for her. As far as taking her out...it may cause her more anxiety. You want to make a nice day for her, and that's very thoughtful of you, but taking her out of her now familiar surroundings may make her more anxious. She may or may not even realize it's Easter either, which would make going out all the more confusing.

I think making a nice Easter basket, with things you think she'd enjoy, would be great, and spend some time with her. Folks with Alzheimers tend to like to like to look at pictures. Maybe something that would keep her hands busy...Play-Doh or some other kind of clay. Paper and crayons. Some candy or snacks she's enjoy. Maybe a pretty robe or nightgown or housedress/duster or a sweatsuit or cute top.

 

[Dan Murphy]

No ideas, Lisa, but know well that your mom, you and everyone concerned are in my prayers and thoughts. I do hope Easter will be a pleasant time, a highlight among some tough days. 's You are a good person.

 

[Snowysmom]

Having just had to admit my father to a nursing home, I can understand what you are going through. My father is there because of physical issues and some mental clouding. Some days he is with it and other days he is confused but he cannot walk and has some infections. My brother and I visit but not long because my father just wants to sleep. We know we cannot take him out on Easter because we just physically cannot do it so we will all visit him. Don't feel bad if you can't take your mother out on Easter. A nice visit and Easter basket will be wonderful. You are doing all you can for your mother. Sometimes just visiting her and listening to her talk is all you need to do. It is too bad other family members don't want to visit but that is their problem. As long as your mother is taken care of, is safe, and reasonably happy that is what counts. You sound like a caring daughter.

 

[Ranatra]

Lisa,
I can understand your frustration at your brothers and sisters.
My Mom lives with DH and I (our kids are grown). I retired a year ago to take care of her and I am her fulltime caretaker. She has some type of dementia and heart problems. We can no longer take her out, she just doesn't seem to have the strength. I get a ton of help from my twin sister, about 3 days a week and I also have a woman that can come in the afternoons so I can get out. I am doing fine with the situation, but what used to frustrate me is that my brothers never came to see her, but I figured out, there's nothing I can do about that, I can't make them care and they have to live with their decision. I don't let myself get upset about it any more.
My kids come over a lot and bring the babies and my Mom just lights up when the babies are here! If she becomes totally bed ridden, then I'll have to make that tough decision at that time to put her in a home.
I know that had to be hard for you.

If it's too hard to take your Mom out, then just take her something in and I love the basket idea!

 

[lisajl]

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement.
My DH has had to listen to me rant about my family for years. He sure puts up with a lot!!

Yes, I need to let it go regarding my brothers and help my sister deal with this.
It's just the two of us dealing with it all.
I guess the hard part was that one of my brothers asked where moms money was and why we were in charge of it.
Geesh...

I will definately do the basket, really get the kids involved...No, I won't let my boys put a frog in it!
Get her some chocolate and some A&W rootbeer and make her happy.
I think we can afford a couple hours that day!

Thank you again for all your personal stories. It makes me realize that others are going through it or have been through it.
Lisa

 

[j's m]

Lisa,
In most families, only one of the siblings will deal with the parents. You are indeed lucky to have a sister that also cares about your mom.

My mom also has dementia/Alzheimers. About six weeks ago, I finally moved her out of her house (an hour and a half away) and into an assisted living facility 5 minutes away from me.

My sisters were not happy and wanted her by them (an hour away for one with an 18yr old and two hours away by the other, no kids) Since I was always the one running to help her, and having her PoA, I said no, she needed to be by me. I asked one sister, "would you be able to take her to the doctor, dentist, shop for her, visit several times a week?" Of course not, she couldn't help. They each wanted her closer to them so on the 4 times a year they visited, they wouldn't have far to drive!

Finally today (6 weeks after the move) one sister actually came to visit. We took mom out to Old Country Buffet. Then she got to see Mom's new place, and visit. She didn't even bring my mom a box of candy, flowers, anything. This is the same sister who packed up ALL the family crystal for herself. Mom thought she was packing it for the move.

You are doing a great job caring for your mom. I love the easter basket idea, I think I'll use it too, I was just going to buy a box of candy. If your mom doesn't want to leave, just visit there. My mom still likes going out to eat. But when I visit her, she is happy with an hour or so, and also stopping by for 1/2 hour with DS 11. My feeling is short visits several times a week, although sometimes she doesn't remember I'm there, but I do.

It's hard but I remember my mom took care of me when I was little, how could I turn my back on her now when she needs me the most. Keep up the good work!

 

[Planogirl]

I've seen cases where some family members were literally afraid of the nursing home or they tried to escape the truth by never going. Sometimes, people seem to not care but they actually care and it upsets them so they choose not to deal.

I don't know if that's the case with any of your family members but maybe it's worth considering?

You're a good daughter by the way.

 

[MrsKreamer]

First let me say that you are a wonderful daughter. My great-grandmother had Alzheimers. My grandmother and aunt knew she would get better care in a nursing home but were so guilt ridden that it took almost 2 years to settle on one. Between them someone visited her almost everyday. She was really well cared for by the staff. At first they took her out for some holidays and special events(a baby shower for her "favorite" grandaughter). Each time they did this she would get depressed and would be for days afterward. She would get confused and angry because she couldn't remember where she was or even "who that big girl opening presents"(the baby shower) was. She forgot that my great-grandfater was deceased, and when she remembered she would start weeping, as if going through losing her spouse all over again for the first time.

I made sure to visit her. To this day I am glad I did. She got to meet my husband and learn of our son...she passed away when I was a few months pregnant with Kurt jr.

All I can say is that you cannot dwell on those who choose not to visit...we would get mad, and I am sure if it were her own children that didn't visit it would've many times worse. In the end you are still going. I would say not to pressure your children, but to explain to the older one that she is still grandma...whether she acts like it or not. I would bring Easter to her. It was so hard on my grandmother everytime my aunt insisted on taking Maw Maw out for the day. It took days for her to get back to her routine, and it never made a positive difference.

Many hugs to you.

 

[minkydog]

I've seen cases where some family members were literally afraid of the nursing home or they tried to escape the truth by never going. Sometimes, people seem to not care but they actually care and it upsets them so they choose not to deal.

I think this is a very common response, actually. I see it a lot in the hospital setting. When my father was dying my brother, whom Dad lived with, could NOT bring himself to go to the hospital. Just could not. He stayed home, took care of the house and animals, paid the bills, threw himself into work, but he could not go to the hospital and see Dad wasting away. I understood--that's how Brother deals with hard things. So my second sister & I(there are 5 of us) took care of Dad until he died.

I know it's aggravating when the sibs aren't doing what you think they should be, but I suppose everyone is grieving the loss of your mom's real personality. Some people just find it too hard to face. I'm glad you can be there for her.She may not know you, but she knows you love her. And you know. As my mom always says, "You'll have stars in your crown up in heaven."

 

[MsDisney23]