Mom moving in with me, has it worked well for anyone?

[luvavacation]

I have posted previously regarding my mom who has dementia, asking advice on working my way through the legal system. Thankfully, after many headaches but with some great advice from here, I now have plenary guardianship and access to all her bank accounts. I am surprised to find that my mother does not have enough money to even pay for one year at the memory care assisted living facility that she is in!

I have no idea where her money went since my Dad died, but it doesn't matter, I have to deal with what is in front of me. The facts are, she can't be in assisted living any longer, and she needs to move in with me.

My children and husband are in agreement about her coming to live us. She will be in the guest bedroom upstairs, using my children's large bathroom (one is at college, so really only one child at home). This bathroom is closest to the guest room.

In the mean time, I am going to have the basement finished so that my mom can move down there, and have her own place with a bedroom, bathroom, and sitting area. We will also put in an extra window in the basement for more natural light. Of course, the family back in Europe is upset because I am "putting her in a basement", but their homes aren't like ours, and they have been told to buy a plane ticket and come see for themselves if they are so concerned about my mom. No one is coming yet!

So, now that you know that I plan on giving my mom excellent care, and where she will be staying while here, please reassure me that sometimes, having your parent live with you can be a blessing? I always here about how awful it is, and how marriages are ruined, but there have to be some good experiences?

My mom's dementia, coupled with severe depression and just a lifelong lack of happiness in her life, have made her hard to be with and she has become angrier, meaner, and dare I say evil as the years go on. However, my family is happy, and we laugh a lot, and we are active, we enjoy living. I keep thinking it will be good for mom to be around us more often, that we will get her up out of bed or off the sofa, and engage her more that just sitting in a room, in the dark, staring at four walls and ruminating over a life of misery (her take on life, anyway). I have a hope that this just might turn out well, and when the time comes that my mother passes, my family and I look back on her time with us and realize it was a blessing to be with her.

I have prayed long and hard over this, and feel at peace with the decision to bring her here, but I have not heard one positive from anyone outside of my husband and children. While I will be bringing in someone to help a few times a week so I can have a break from her care, I think I will be ok with being her caretaker. Am I unrealistic? Can someone that is mean and depressed find something good in life if he/she is always around happy people? Or will the happy people turn mean and depressed too?!!


Are we truly doomed or can this work well for everone?

 

[Magpie]

Well... I love having my Mother-in-Law stay with us for half of every year. But she's not "mean". She's a sweetheart, who mostly just wants to watch her soaps for hours every day, and who sometimes cleans my bathroom when I'm not expecting it.

Since you said your husband and children are on board, I'd go ahead. But play it by ear and have a back up plan in place. If Mom starts making everyone in the house miserable, or if she starts abusing your kids emotionally, then she'll have to go elsewhere.

I know people sometimes change, but it's not something you can make happen. Give it your best shot, but don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work out.

 

[MickeySP]

That is an awful lot to take on but kudos to you for giving it a go.

First I would stop calling it the "basement" try telling them it is a MIL apartment, sounds nicer even if it is the same. That might get the relatives off your back.

Yes it can work, but it is work. Don't expect her to change overnight or maybe at all, you may have to learn to disengage when she starts being mean.

It seems your child is older? I am sure your DH will get it, the aging process but maybe having a strategy talk about how to handle her mood shifts would be good. If she starts just change the subject, leave the room etc... don't engage the behavior.

My Mom moved in with me, thankfully no dementia, but she is 85 so some memory problems. I am tolerant about 99% of the time but heck like kids the can push buttons. I am learning to opt out when the martyrdom kicks in.

I also have complete control of her finances, medical guardian etc... we talked at length about what she wants in regards to medical/funeral.

Mine moved in because she was sliding into depression following me Dad's death. They were married 52 years, she never lived alone, went from parents to husband now to me. A circle of life I guess.

Just think of this you are showing your children how to treat family, even mean depressed family - a wonderful spectacular lesson. You may be the recipient of what they learn someday.

Good Luck!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Depends. How bad is the dementia?

Can she be left alone? Will the younger child have to deal with her on a one on one basis?

At what point will you put her into a nursing home if it is too much for your family or yourself?

Those are questions that you and your family need to answer before she moves in. Living with someone with dementia & mental illness is very difficult.

My sister and BIL are currently taking care of her MIL who is dying of cancer and the SIL who broke her ankle in a car accident. The MIL is depressed and needs 24/7 care and the SIL is mentally "off".

The thing about bringing in your mom is that your DH and your child will have to be a part of your mother's care in some way. Are they prepared to do that?

How much other help will you have? Do you have family to come in and give you respite care? Your family will need "breaks" so you need to put that into her care plan.

 

[Gigi22]

Other than the dementia, is your mother physically well? Can she bathe, feed herself, go to the toilet on her own? Does she wander? Can you ensure that she does not turn the stove on?
I ask because my mother had vascular dementia, and developed some severe physical problems that meant she had to have full time care in a nursing home. Both her mental and physical condition deteriorated rapidly over a six month period.
You should discuss your mother's prognosis with her doctor to get a sense of how long your mother's current condition will be stable, and make plans accordingly.

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, Your post brought tears to my eyes! You are a GOOD daughter! I had my mom living with me the last few months of her life (cancer) but I wasn't dealing with dementia.You husband is a saint! Bless him for supporting you in this decision.

I do not have any advice. I just want to give you a big and tell you I think you are terrific!

TC

 

[luvavacation]

Thanks for the kind words!

At this time, my mother is able to care for herself physically. She does wander, she had a problem (when she still lived in her house) of leaving the gas on and not smelling it, but hopefully that won't be a problem here. I was going to call the gas company and see if they can put on a shut off to the stove that I can access and use when I leave the house, but there might not even be such a thing.

My youngest is in high school, and offered to give up her room since it connects to the bathroom, but I don't want her to feel displaced later, even if she is willing now. She was very kind and wants to help, but I want her to live her life and not feel like grandma is holding her back.

My DH is a saint! Since my Dad died, he has been saying my mom should move in with us, but my mom always said she didn't love me enough. Well, the doctors haven't given her any choice now, and she finally realizes that she will never be living alone again. At least she loves my husband!

We have all learned to not take what my mom says to heart, and even if what she says might hurt our feelings, we all know that we are helping her, even if she doesn't know it. Maybe, she will know this eventually, and perhaps being around her happy granddaughters will bring a smile to her face. I know they make me smile!

At this point, I am not sure how much she can be left alone, but I will find out I suppose. I will be looking for a caregiver a few times a week, so I can get out. Eventually, I would like to get a job again, but for now I will be her caregiver. And yes, my girls definitely are seeing how I expect to be treated in my old age!

Hey, maybe I will be able to get my mom to cook! She is a great cook, but never showed me exactly how to make those awesome dishes from the Old Country! I rely on my recipe book, but it still isn't the same. There just might be something good after all, if I can get her to let me watch her cook now!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for the kind words!

At this time, my mother is able to care for herself physically. She does wander, she had a problem (when she still lived in her house) of leaving the gas on and not smelling it, but hopefully that won't be a problem here. I was going to call the gas company and see if they can put on a shut off to the stove that I can access and use when I leave the house, but there might not even be such a thing.

My youngest is in high school, and offered to give up her room since it connects to the bathroom, but I don't want her to feel displaced later, even if she is willing now. She was very kind and wants to help, but I want her to live her life and not feel like grandma is holding her back.

My DH is a saint! Since my Dad died, he has been saying my mom should move in with us, but my mom always said she didn't love me enough. Well, the doctors haven't given her any choice now, and she finally realizes that she will never be living alone again. At least she loves my husband!

We have all learned to not take what my mom says to heart, and even if what she says might hurt our feelings, we all know that we are helping her, even if she doesn't know it. Maybe, she will know this eventually, and perhaps being around her happy granddaughters will bring a smile to her face. I know they make me smile!

At this point, I am not sure how much she can be left alone, but I will find out I suppose. I will be looking for a caregiver a few times a week, so I can get out. Eventually, I would like to get a job again, but for now I will be her caregiver. And yes, my girls definitely are seeing how I expect to be treated in my old age!

Hey, maybe I will be able to get my mom to cook! She is a great cook, but never showed me exactly how to make those awesome dishes from the Old Country! I rely on my recipe book, but it still isn't the same. There just might be something good after all, if I can get her to let me watch her cook now!

This is what I thought you were thinking.

When your mom moves in EVERYONE will have to take part in her care. I know you want to say that your dd will not have to, but that is not realistic. You need to come to terms with that.

When you are caring for someone who needs specialized care, everyone has to pitch in otherwise it will fall apart. It is a family effort and a new dynamic.

I have cared for 2 grandparents in the past and I am helping out from a distance with my sister's MIL and SIL. I am also my sister's confidant to talk her off the ledge and bring her off of an anxiety attack. Her situation is very stressful.

Anything no matter how small is a great help to the primary caregivers.

 

[hopemax]

My Grandma lived with my parents, for almost 7years, before she passed away. This was my Dad's mother. There was a huge period of adjustment for everyone. I was glad I only was there for 9 months, before I went to college. My Grandma didn't have dementia, so I don't know how that will affect this. Grandma moved from WI to WA, so it was a big change for someone who had only lived in 2 houses, her parents and her husband's 2 blocks away. She was depressed. Plus, there were the power struggles, between her and my Mom. Grandma, already clucked about the state of the house, and it got worse when she moved in. She also wanted to do everything for my Dad. And my Dad acted like a different person about some things. Just so his Mom wouldn't know what he really thought. We never went to church, but Grandma was a diehard Catholic, and when she moved in, he expected everyone to attend churchevery week. We got into it when I called him on the hipocrasy, and my Mom sided with me. But even with all the troubles, it still worked out for the most part.

Everyone figured out what Grandma could do to still feel independent. She signed up for some senior center activities to get out and meet people. Mom figured out that there were certain household chores she could delegate to Grandma and it was better for her, to not do them anymore. My Dad learned how to do laundry. When my Grandma died, my Mom was much more of a mess than she ever expected to be, and realized how much she enjoyed having Grandma there, and would miss her.

The last year of Grandma's life was more difficult. She had had several TIA's a minor stroke. She couldn't clean herself well, and would run into trouble getting dressed, going to the bathroom etc. During this time it was important to take advantage of the services available. A couple times a week, someone from the Visiting Nurses would come and make sure she was bathed, and Grandma also had physical therapy. There were people from the church that would be available to sit with her, if needed for my parents to run errands etc. Make sure you find out what is available to you and her, especially with the dementia.

 

[KathyTX]

Since you said your husband and children are on board, I'd go ahead. But play it by ear and have a back up plan in place. If Mom starts making everyone in the house miserable, or if she starts abusing your kids emotionally, then she'll have to go elsewhere.

This.

How old is your mom, and do you know the cause of the dementia?

The hard thing here is this... The way she is now is probably the best she's going to be. If the dementia is due to a progressive kind of thing (Alzheimer's), she could become meaner and even dangerous to you. Just be ready to make decisions for the good of your own family if that time comes.

 

[SandrA9810]

My grandmother lives with my aunt, and my aunt has made a promise to try her hardest to never put her in an assisted living facility. It's hard, it's a lot of work, and it can be stressful, but I don't think my aunt would do anything different about it.

First off, does the facility she's in now have a day time program (if you like the facility)?? I believe that's one place where my aunt went wrong. Ma never wanted to do anything like that, but it's caused her dementia to progress more quickly. An active mind doesn't go to waste as fast. Ma still likes to go out, she doesn't want to be at home... so that results in A LOT of eating out. My aunt works for Cracker Barrel and so every one dotes all over her, giving her hugs and chatting it up. This is Ma's very expensive highlight of the day, and my aunt has given into it all these years. (they'll go to a lot of places, but it's still 20-30$ or more tabs).

The other part to keeping her in an activity facility, is she'll have some place to be while every one is here there and yonder. You will also need your mind/sanity, so knowing you'll be getting a mental break for a few hours a day can make your life better. And she'll have the care and supervision she needs.

While you're in the process of the refurbishment, keep in mind her mobility can go down quickly. If the basement has a straight stairway, they make a little seat on a track to glide up/down. I want to say it's made by Acorn or something.

While she may be able to do some of her daily care needs, keep an eye out. My grandmother still want to do her own cleaning and laundry. The other night, she stood at the washing machine for 10 minutes before asking for help (couldn't remember how to turn it on). She doesn't always like it when we step in before she asks for help, she wants to believe she can do it. At the same, she's also run the washer at empty or nearly empty many times before.

If you start stressing out over your mom's bad mood, it'll infect you. Just let it roll right off. IGNORE the bad comments. Just say "I don't believe that to be true" and move on. My aunt feeds off of Ma's bad mood. Then they end up bickering at each other. And while Karla is usually correct because she can remember the events that happened, Ma wants to believe because she's her mother, that she is correct. And sometimes this same conversation can happen more than two or three times in the same day. My aunt could save herself a lot of headaches if she just went with "I don't remember it that way" rather than trying to tell ma the truth.

Depending on her health issues, you might feel like you've turned into a doctor yourself. Ma has TIA's/seizures, and she's had them for more than 10 years now. Every few years she'll have a bad episode. They always result in hospital stays, and her mind worsening. My grandmother can barely remember any of her doctor's names, and complains every night about the amount of pills she has to take. My aunt has to be actively aware of changes in Ma because she won't always say whats wrong.
You might also want to get informed on her health status. Doctors that see her now, medication she's on, the progression of different conditions. Past surgeries or major health concerns, allergies to medication. One very very helpful piece of advice she's received early on, If a medication is causing side effects beyond normal for her, put it on her allergy list. My grandmother got placed on a medication for some one hallucinating, except she was just having memory problems, so it made her start hallucinating badly. So now it's just listed as one of her allergies. Some were previously known, some have been discovered over the years.

I'll have to ask my aunt about this, but I do know she went through her lawyer to make sure everything was done correctly. She has complete power over my grandmother. Just so no one can try to persuade my grandmother into doing anything. My grandmother knows just to say "you'll have to speak to my daughter". Doctors, most the hospitals she's gone to in the area, the banks, they all have copies of the power of attorney documents, and know that my aunt is the one that makes the decisions. And make sure you have a living will.
You'll have to be her advocate when seeing doctors. Which can be hard too.
Recent story. My grandmother's hip was hurting really really badly. It was a saturday, and her GP is open till 2pm. So we headed over there, and the GP said, if it's a hairline fracture, my machines won't be able to detect it. So go to the hospital to have it done.
Got to the hospital, she was still in pain for the ER nurse and ER doctor. He wanted to do an MRI first, rather than ruling out the obvious. So my aunt had to make sure she got the xray first. Wasn't a fracture. It was late and they had to admit her to do an MRI in the morning. By the time she saw the hospital doctor, she wasn't in pain at all... got up, walked around, laid back in bed. This is with no pain medication.
The following day, I spent all day there waiting for the MRI, but I had to leave to pick my aunt up from work. When we got back, we found out that they were ready for the MRI and my grandmother shoo'ed them out, saying she didn't need it. Something else my aunt then had to correct.

It'll be hard. But it might be helpful to see a counselor every so often to let out all your frustrations. It's probably going to be more work than taking care of a baby, because she'll want to do differently, and you need to make sure it's done right. Good Luck.

 

[Mimi1965]

I would not do it.

I really believe it is too much of a burden-and too big a strain on a marriage.
WE have sitters for our elderly parrent and know at some point it will have to be the nursing home-not one of our homes.

 

[tvguy]

I am surprised to find that my mother does not have enough money to even pay for one year at the memory care assisted living facility that she is in!
I have no idea where her money went since my Dad died, but it doesn't matter, I have to deal with what is in front of me. The facts are, she can't be in assisted living any longer, and she needs to move in with me.

Just make sure you preserve her financial records in case she needs to move back into the memory care facility and you need the state to pay for it.

 

[barkley]

This is what I thought you were thinking.

When your mom moves in EVERYONE will have to take part in her care. I know you want to say that your dd will not have to, but that is not realistic. You need to come to terms with that.

When you are caring for someone who needs specialized care, everyone has to pitch in otherwise it will fall apart. It is a family effort and a new dynamic.

I have cared for 2 grandparents in the past and I am helping out from a distance with my sister's MIL and SIL. I am also my sister's confidant to talk her off the ledge and bring her off of an anxiety attack. Her situation is very stressful.

Anything no matter how small is a great help to the primary caregivers.

agreed-and this is why (at least in our state) to get a license to operate an adult family home, even for the ones that are precluded from having dementia residents, the entire household composition is evaluated. depending on the ages/needs/dynamics within a household it is determined weather what is truly needed to house and care for an elderly person can reasonably be met.

i would suggest having a deep heart to heart talk with the place she currently lives-both with the administrators, and if possible-PRIVATLY with her primary caregivers/her assigned housekeeper.

my late mil and my mom, for a time, lived in the same assisted living facility. theirs was the type where you could receive different levels of assistance based on your needs, but there was the bare minimum that came with rent (laundry, meals, once a week bed change/light housekeeping). both late mil and my mom did just the assisted that came with rent.

i know, after spending some time with my mom and dealing with the aftermath of mil's death, that the basics were being exceeded by well meaning (or financialy tipped) staff. exceedingly so in one case, that it was misleading as to the level of care truely needed by our family member (she was realy much more needed of nursing home care).

if you can find out what her assisted living place is REALY providing, you may get a much more realistic look to what you will be facing.

if you can find out this information, and even if you cannot-consider contacting a local adult family home and/or the adult family home lic. bureau near you. an adult family home is the closest you will find to what you will be doing-you can discuss what your mom is like/her needs/limitations and they may be able to give you great info. on what to expect, what to do safety wise, what to watch out for-and how that can impact your existing household members (in adult family homes the "guests" are in the actual homes of the providers so they live their caregiving 24/7 vs an assisted living or nursing care facility where the only 24/7 person on staff is likely the manager whose only doing it b/c they get a free apartment as part of their compensation package).

 

[Gigi22]

You can get an alarm on your doors that consists of a verbal announcement that a particular door has been opened. My best friend's mother has dementia, and her husband had the alarm installed at their house.
OP, I think you should investigate what respite and support options will be available for you and the rest of your family to assist you in keeping your mother at home. Is there a support program available at a local hospital? Is there a day program available at a nearby facility? Will you be able to obtain part-time PSW, nursing or housekeeping support?
In our area PSWs can be hired through agencies, but the cost was about $1000 for 30 hours of assistance two or three years ago.

 

[kathie859]

OP...My Mother moved into my sister's home after Dad died. It was just too much for Mother to take care of the house by herself. My sister finished off her basement (like you mentioned, hers has a walkout and a window for natural light. Mother had a sitting room, a bedroom, a small wet bar/mini fridge kitchen area and a bathroom. Now my mother didn't have dementia but was healthy early on and then as she aged, became ill. I am convinced that Mother's quality of life improved by having my sister's husband around her. Mother cooked dinners for them until she was no longer able. However, no matter how accomodating your DH and DD's are, it's a strain on the family.

If you do this, please be sure to secure some sort of respite care for your well-being whether it be adult day care at a facility or an in home "mom-sitter" a few days a week. Good luck. My Mother is no longer with us, but I'm forever grateful to my sister for taking care of her.

 

[SandrA9810]

My aunt told me, she got a durable power of attorney, a medical power of attorney, living will, and a will. It cost them about 400$ a piece to file this with an attorney. They also did this 10 years ago before there were any mental issues with my grandmother.

She says, you must do these things now, as long as her dementia is not that advanced. If the lawyer believes she's being coerced into signing the documents, they will not allow it. Even though you have the best intentions. You will then need to go through the courts and file for legal guardianship over your mother, so you may make decisions on her behalf.

She also told me that there was a story recently on the news. The parents left their adult daughter with down syndrome in the care of a facility. The parent's wanted to do things differently than the facility, so the facility went behind the parent's back, through the courts, and received legal guardianship of the girl. And the parent's lost all control of the girl. I don't know the outcome of the story, but it is possible for some one else to try and take control if you don't do it first.

 

[horseshowmom]

OP, I commend you for what you're planning. You seem to be going into it with a good attitude, and I agree with you that you're teaching your children about what family means. If things don't work out, and you need to make other arrangements later, you'll know that you did your best and all that you could do. That's worth a lot.

 

[minniecarousel]

My Mom lived with my husband and me for 9 years, although dementia was never an issue. When she first moved in, I called her my "dish fairy" because she loaded and emptied the dishwasher and did all the hand-washing of dishes.

Has your mother ever been on meds for her mental issues? Is it a possibility now?

I know of some assisted living facilities that allow you to stay on gov't assistance once you've lived at their place as a paying customer. Have you checked on that?

Having Mom live with us worked, but I always had my sisters available to cover when we went on vacations. When we did need to hire caregivers while I was at work, we hired an agency that I got a referral from 2 different friends. I think it was $20 per hr with a 4 hr minimum.

We never regretted for a minute that we took Mom in. BUT both DH & I had a great relationship with her and she was the sweetest woman! (dang! I miss her!)

 

[graciejane]

Having a family member move in with demetia is somewhat of a challenge, no matter how much you love them. The fact that you said you have prayed long and hard over this and are at peace and your family is on board with it is good to hear. I agree with the PP who suggest having some form of responsible help in the wings for when you need a little break. And, do not feel guilty when you need that break. It is ok and you will know that your loved in good hands. Sending prayers and wishing you the best as your family starts this new adventure.