Mods Please Delete

[cabanafrau]

I get it... I made mistakes. Huge ones. I lived a life for a long time that was based on shaky ground and it collapsed.

I know I do not think clearly and straight. Yes, I need my own therapy and address some huge issues I have going on. I am at a point where I am ready to do something about it. It IS time to take action (long overdue in fact). All things that have happened, I have to get over it, and go on. A magic wand will not fix this. I understand, that if I allow this to continue, that's on me. It is my own fault. I can play on like the band on the Titanic or I can get in the lifeboat.

Get real. Someone who's serious in your shoes ain't wating for a lifeboat, they learn to SWIM under their own power.

 

[SirDuff]

For somebody who is such an involved caregiver, you sure don't know much about your charge.
You didn't know what meds he is on until the facility released him.
You don't know what he smokes or takes illicitly.
You don't know any of his medical issues are at least don't know much about them and you don't know if he sees different doctors
You don't know any of the case managers
and the list goes on and on. You cannot be a capable caregiver if you are kept in the dark.

Sorry, you were in a public place, a doctor's office at that, with a soiled husband. He cannot tell you to leave. I understand that this is part of your illness that you believe he is your boss and you have no control. That is why you need to fix yourself now before you can fix anything else.

Or keep yourself in the dark. If her DH is as incapacitated as the OP says, it is impossible that she doesn't know what he smokes or what medication he takes - he'd only be able to get it through her. Same with what doctors he sees - again, according to the OP, he can only see the doctors that she takes him to.

 

[Hrhpd]

I get it... I made mistakes. Huge ones. I lived a life for a long time that was based on shaky ground and it collapsed.

I know I do not think clearly and straight. Yes, I need my own therapy and address some huge issues I have going on. I am at a point where I am ready to do something about it. It IS time to take action (long overdue in fact). All things that have happened, I have to get over it, and go on. A magic wand will not fix this. I understand, that if I allow this to continue, that's on me. It is my own fault. I can play on like the band on the Titanic or I can get in the lifeboat.

That is a lot of cute hyperbole. Report back when you have had your first session with a therapist.

And not saying that to be mean, but you need help to advocate for yourself. Running away is not going to help. You will just find yourself in another victim situation.

Read your posts, you do not do anything for yourself because others tell you what to do.

It's your father's fault because he does not believe in divorce. Even today, you say you are moving forward because your father changed his mind. This needs to be your decision, not your father's.

It is your SIL's fault because she told you to stay married.

It is the lawyers' fault because they told you it was difficult.

It is your husband's fault because he told you to....

It is the doctor's fault because they don't include you.

You need therapy to own your own decisions. Otherwise you are just going to continue life the same way, just different situation.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I love that last phrase!!!
Not one I am all that familiar with.
I vote for the lifeboat.

The phrase that has come to my mind is "Do something, or get off the pot..."

I do hope that you see a good therapist, ASAP.

 

[Frozen72]

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[SirDuff]

In regards to the meds... No I did not know all of them.

I knew about Lantus and Humalog. I knew about the Xerelto and some other stuff like cholesterol etc... I knew he took something equivalent to valium or something like that, and some kind of antidepressant.

As far as I know, he no longer smokes the other (yes I know what it is, just didn't want to say it). While he was gone I flushed that and disposed of the related stuff. He wouldn't dare ask me what I did with it. I suspect that is over for good. The cigarette smoking, he has quit for good I am sure. He used to smoke and keep it hidden. I eventually did find out and he told me to just shut up about it and let him do.

How does he obtain the meds that you don't know about?

 

[lovemygoofy]

Regarding the Titanic...that guy died paddling that chick around so not great example

 

[PlutoPony]

How does he obtain the meds that you don't know about?

He probably comes out of the hospital / rehab facility with the initial prescription
But how does he get refills? Do they come in the mail or does OP go to a pharmacy for them.

The big question imho is how he gets refills of psychiatric meds without seeing someone - that's generally not done and depending on the drug, downright illegal.

 

[Hrhpd]

In regards to the meds... No I did not know all of them.

I knew about Lantus and Humalog. I knew about the Xerelto and some other stuff like cholesterol etc... I knew he took something equivalent to valium or something like that, and some kind of antidepressant.

As far as I know, he no longer smokes the other (yes I know what it is, just didn't want to say it). While he was gone I flushed that and disposed of the related stuff. He wouldn't dare ask me what I did with it. I suspect that is over for good. The cigarette smoking, he has quit for good I am sure. He used to smoke and keep it hidden. I eventually did find out and he told me to just shut up about it and let him do.

If it is marijuana, you should be able to smell it, especially since he cannot get off the couch to go outside and smoke it without out your knowledge. Or was he smoking something more potent like meth? That could explain the violent moods. But then, if he is as disabled as you say he is, he wouldn't be able to get this kind of "contraband" without somebody's help. And if you are a constant 24/7 caregiver, you would know if somebody else was bringing him contraband.

 

[Hrhpd]

The big question imho is how he gets refills of psychiatric meds without seeing someone - that's generally not done and depending on the drug, downright illegal.

That is what where her story started breaking down for me. She says he is on drugs for a bipolar condition, yet hasn't seen a mental health professional in over a year. Some of those meds are controlled substances and need a new prescription each month from the doctor. Hell, you can't even get adderall without a physical prescription each month anymore. And I cannot believe the unprofessionalism of a doctor that hands out meds for a bipolar condition but does absolutely no followup therapy. That is why I suggested upthread that she find a competent psychiatrist for herself and make two appointments.

 

[RitaE]

He wouldn't dare ask me what I did with it.

Really. I mean the guy supposedly has no problem deliberately soiling himself with feces in front of crowds of people just to get at you but we're all supposed to believe he'd be scared to ask you what you did with his pot stash?

Frozen72 --- you're not that gullible and frankly neither am I.
Your husband very likely has a substance abuse problem. Maybe pot, maybe other things. Money is just disappearing and golly gee you just don't know where it could possibly be going because he just won't tell you. Why, maybe his sister stole it from him. You're drinking. I'm not sure yet just how deep you are in the addiction cycle, but yes --- all the symptoms.

As one of the previous persons has the job that is paid to detect truth, let me tell you I'm the lady with the Mother who accomplished getting drunk while residing in a lockdown mental health center receiving treatment for her alcohol addiction. No joke. I went in to visit her two days after she came out of the "dry out" hospital unit where they medically assist the patients through the withdrawal systems and she was weaving around, her eyes were glassy and she was slurring her words. I went to the hallway station and said "There's something really wrong with my Mom." The nurse took one look at her and I got instructed to end my visit with promises that they'd take care of her. I found out later as part of that whole lovely heal the family bonds counseling, she was freakin' drunk. The short part of that is that I've been through constant cycle of denial, escalating falsehoods that don't stand up, cries for help, admittance of problems, pleas of agony, promises to change more times than I can count. I know the signs. And I'm an Accountant, I can count to a very high number.

Go get help. Not because of anything I or anybody else said but for your own sake. You deserve better than this life. My heart aches for you. Turn your husband over to the people who can help him with his stuff. Your husband deserves better than this.

 

[Frozen72]

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[gwynne]

Getting ready to leave for the appt here in a sec.

How did he get these meds? Everybody wants to know. He has been in either a rehab facility, hospital, or skilled nursing facility since May. They took care of the meds. He has only been in my care since Thursday of last week. I went to walmart with the list of meds and got them filled after he got out.

Check the bottles. Each of the bottles will list a provider, and # of refills.
Make sure you bring a complete list of his meds (and providers) each time he's seen.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

That is what where her story started breaking down for me. She says he is on drugs for a bipolar condition, yet hasn't seen a mental health professional in over a year. Some of those meds are controlled substances and need a new prescription each month from the doctor. Hell, you can't even get adderall without a physical prescription each month anymore. And I cannot believe the unprofessionalism of a doctor that hands out meds for a bipolar condition but does absolutely no followup therapy. That is why I suggested upthread that she find a competent psychiatrist for herself and make two appointments.

There also isn't a psychiatrist in the world that I've ever met in my experience that would prescribe 3 anti-psychotic medications at the same time. Never. Doing so would in almost all cases result in side effects and control issues that could never be properly monitored or corrected. I would run fast and far from any psychiatrist that was willing to take such a risk. That claim is simply not realistic in any way, shape or form and anyone who works in mental health with a background in anti-psychotic medication will surely know why. On that note, I'm out again.

 

[Hrhpd]

There also isn't a psychiatrist in the world that I've ever met in my experience that would prescribe 3 anti-psychotic medications at the same time. Never. Doing so would in almost all cases result in side effects and control issues that could never be properly monitored or corrected. I would run fast and far from any psychiatrist that was willing to take such a risk. That claim is simply not realistic in any way, shape or form and anyone who works in mental health with a background in anti-psychotic medication will surely know why. On that note, I'm out again.

I do believe the OP has some serious problems of her own. I also think she is trying to play the disboards thinking everybody gullible, whether on purpose or due to her illness.

I am out too.

 

[PlutoPony]

On the off chance that you are going to continue to be involved in his medical care.....
A patient can specify to the doctor's office who has access to their medical information and can speak with the doctor about their health. You could refuse to take him to an appointment with a practice if he has not / will not put you down for access to this information. That would be a fairly easy, non emotional stance to take.

 

[Jaya]

And where will you be a year from now. That is what matters.

 

[Jaya]

And where will you be a year from now. That is what matters.

The same place she was a year ago and the same place she is this week.....moaning and whining and thoroughly enjoying the attention.

 

[littleblackegg]

I never did get an answer about his case manager. Also, he'll be getting daily visits from a home care RN with that new graft. All these professionals involved in this case, and yet, no one will provide any care or assistance.

 

[barkley]

For somebody who is such an involved caregiver, you sure don't know much about your charge.
You didn't know what meds he is on until the facility released him.
You don't know what he smokes or takes illicitly.
You don't know what any of his medical issues are at least don't know much about them and you don't know if he sees different doctors
You don't know any of the case managers
and the list goes on and on. You cannot be a capable caregiver if you are kept in the dark.

Sorry, you were in a public place, a doctor's office at that, with a soiled husband. He cannot tell you to leave. I understand that this is part of your illness that you believe he is your boss and you have no control. That is why you need to fix yourself now before you can fix anything else.

I have to say that I agree a person can't be capable caretaker if they are kept in the dark-but unless the person who is being provided care for is cooperative and provides full access to all of their 'stuff' it's next to impossible to get the information necessary to effectively care for them.

in my case-I've got full blown guardianship of my disabled adult child that includes access to all things medical-but when it comes to any other adult be it my mom when she was alive or if my husband were to need my caregiving, absent them giving me full blown power of attorney that was enacted (not the kind that takes an act of god to get a doctor to deem someone incapable of making decisions on their own behalf), without their permission and cooperation I couldn't get anything in the way of information from medical providers. hell-my mother's own doctors didn't know everything she had been prescribed and who all she was seeing.

if mom had gone to providers all within the same medical group they would have had cross access to see what meds she was taking-nope, she went to different types of doctors in different groups and they had to take her at her word (and bad memory) on what she was taking and what diagnosis she had. she used a mix of mail order, other's picking up and pharmacy delivery so there was no safety net there to ensure she wasn't being prescribed something that would cause a bad interaction with something else.

when she was in rehab they had to ask her every time they wanted to share information w/me, and as far as 'case managers' go-they GO AWAY when the patient is discharged.

as far as consumption of illicit items-mom never should have consumed alcohol but that was her self medication of choice and unless someone is with someone 24/7 and monitoring face to face every interaction they have-there will always be the potential for someone to get what they want. in mom's case it was via family members who figured she was so old and close to the end of her life "why not?" despite every argument and pleading from us. heck-she would have been in hog heaven if she lived where we do-she could get the liquor store to do free delivery to her home.

like I've said before-if someone is 60 or older then you can at least get adult protective services involved to evaluate their situation but with any younger adult unless you can justify a 5150 hold you're on your own trying to deal with it.