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[Frozen72]

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[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

You do realize you are like a textbook case with what you write here, right?

Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

Not a diagnosis at all, but just an observation from someone who's seen it again and again in many different family types and situations.

You really need to stop getting advice from the community board and go talk to a professional in order to get the help you really need. Talking it out here is all fine and good, and I'm not in a position to tell you to stop, but I will tell you that you clearly need to take advantage of the services of a professional organization in order to help you. You have to take the first step. Nobody can talk you into doing it. Writing it here won't matter at all until you act upon what needs done. Do it. If you want improvement you have no choice but to take the first step.

 

[Frozen72]

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[SirDuff]

I was kind of arrogant because I told the therapist I need a good lawyer more than a good therapist.

And, yet, you still have neither.

 

[Frozen72]

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[FairestOfThemAll37]

If I am textbook something it makes me feel better that I am not alone I guess. I know I should have followed up with the therapy back a few months ago. I just got the thing that "you are clearly depressed". I guess I was kind of arrogant because I told the therapist I need a good lawyer more than a good therapist. I have been so obsessed with this whole thing for so long I guess that I forget that I come off as a ranting, raving lunatic.

Not a lunatic, just very broken and co-dependant.

Everything from you is that you need to make sure that he is on the right path before you sort yourself out. If this is your mentality then just give up now and accept this as your fate.

You will never have him "sorted out" enough to leave him. Both of you will make sure of that. If you're not willing to put yourself first then stop venting about it and settle in for the long haul.

"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my own destiny" needs to be your mantra. Nobody-not lawyers or doctors or priests or Buddha can change your life. Only you can. No lawyer is going to pack up your stuff and take you away.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

If I am textbook something it makes me feel better that I am not alone I guess. I know I should have followed up with the therapy back a few months ago. I just got the thing that "you are clearly depressed". I guess I was kind of arrogant because I told the therapist I need a good lawyer more than a good therapist. I have been so obsessed with this whole thing for so long I guess that I forget that I come off as a ranting, raving lunatic.

In my opinion, it's time to stop talking to lawyers and start talking to a therapist. Find someone you're comfortable with and are willing to be brutally honest with. Trust me, they've heard it all and what you have to say will not offend them or trouble them beyond what they need to do to help you overcome these issues. Talking to us here online may feel therapeutic and helpful, but it is only reinforcing your inability to act.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

While I agree that he should be getting up and moving about, etc--I do not agree that it is the OP'S responsibility to try to wake him and force him to do so. Her husband has shown time and time again that he resents her efforts to help him and does not want them. I think she is right to stop putting herself out there and trying to help only to be yelled at. She shouldn't be going out of her way to enable his behaviour (being quiet so he can sleep during the day, for example) but should not be trying to force him to take care of himself either. Especially given that this is a relatively new relationship and he was dealing (poorly) with his issues long before he came along--this is not a 20 year relationship in which new health and mental problems have suddenly reared their ugly heads.

I never advocated anywhere in this thread that she force him to do anything. I was approaching it from a teaching perspective for a wife who is helping care for her husband, just like I would do IRL if he was a patient of mine. As others have since noted, the OP didn't seem to see a problem with this type of behavior from him and I was just pointing out what normal should be.

From what I understand from what the OP has written, some of his sickness is his fault. Diabetes is controllable. Mental illness is controllable. He's refusing to take care of his illnesses and is making OP shoulder the burden of caring for his lack of control in regards to his health.

This is not the same as a someone who has cancer, and illness beyond a patient's control. It's not like an older person with Alzheimer's that is beyond their control.

I'm guessing you were talking more about depression (and even that's not always the case), but bipolar disease is not something that's always within one's control. (In fact, efforts at self-control are often disastrous.) Hopefully with psychiatric care and ongoing evaluation and med adjustment, it can be managed. But even with good care and follow up there can be highs and lows, and occasional setbacks.

I kind of started a big ol' response to all of this that kind of went blah blah he shouldn't do this blah blah you shouldn't do that blah blah over and over

I agree about the blah, blah, blah part. The same thing's been said over and over here in various forms from the beginning of this thread. BTW I also grew up in a household with similarities to this one. Some women just don't have it within them to change things and so just never, ever will. What I am seeing from the OP's responses is that she is not committed to leaving and will likely stay, which is why I think it's worthwhile to at least try to help her see what normal is, since she doesn't seem to know - why is unclear. As I said way back in the beginning, she likely didn't grow up herself with normal.

I agree with those who say this seems to be a codependent relationship.

Frozen, if you want to share, I'd be interested to know how you yourself grew up.

 

[Frozen72]

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[PlutoPony]

Are you self-medicating tonite Frozen?

 

[Allison]

I'm surprised people are still trying to give advice. Kudos to you but don't you feel like you are beating your head against a brick wall? I mean, it is clear the op isn't going to make any changes and it is going to continue to be one update after another with no change in status.

 

[Frozen72]

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[LisaR]

I have been through so many lawyers. Some where free and others were not. I haven't even counted them. Just one therapist.

Why have you been through so many lawyers? What are you going to lawyers about?

If you truly feel your husband will be better served in a facility then you leaving him will get him will likely get him into a facility much quicker. While you're there, it will appear to outsiders that he doesn't need any additional help because he has someone to drive him, clean him up, cook for him, shop for him, and cater to his every whim. If you're out of the picture, he is either going to do it himself and prove he really is capable, or he is going to need to call an ambulance for help. Once in the hospital, it will be much easier to get him into a nursing facility once they see his condition and he informs them that he is on his own. So, if you are really not leaving because of guilt, free yourself of him and realize that it might actually get him the help he needs.

 

[MidnightParade]

Think about your day tomorrow. Another appt, more yelling and crap to clean. Fighting and feeling horrible. I'm sure he will feel the same. Now imagine if you packed up the car tomorrow morning and left before he gets up? No fighting, no crap, just you and your freedom. Might be a little scary but it won't be your problem anymore... ever again. He's an adult and will figure it out, and if not, you won't know and it won't ever be your problem again. Try to imagine it and then just do it.

The doctors appt won't change anything tomorrow, you know that. It will just keep you locked in this unhappiness which I'm not sure if that's really something you want to get out of... Just take a deep breathe and be brave.

 

[phorsenuf]

So I'm guessing you didn't leave?

 

[Frozen72]

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[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I've said all I can say on this, even repeating what has been said to you many, many times. I'm sure the attention is addicting, so I won't play a part in it any longer. I'm out.

 

[okeydokey]

I saw a couple lawyers about getting a divorce under our current situation a year ago.... circumstances changed. I spent lover $1000 on all that and nothing became of it.

.

And where will you be a year from now. That is what matters.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

I saw a couple lawyers about getting a divorce under our current situation a year ago.... circumstances changed. I spent lover $1000 on all that and nothing became of it.

I have seen and elder lawyer.

I have seen 3 lawyers in another state about divorce and talked to at least 2 more on the phone about my options in this other state... all told me the same thing. One said I do NOT do free consultations, I was like that's cool I will pay. After talking to him, he was like... yea just go home, no charge.

I have paid lawyers here and did a couple free consultations that have said they can do this "piece of cake" if it is uncontested.

You don't need a lawyer or a finalized divorce, or heck even divorce papers to leave. But you know that, you don't actually want to leave and the lawyers are a convenient excuse. Most people have said don't worry about the lawyers now.

But you keep coming back with the same whoa is me, the lawyers won't help me, the doctors won't help me.

HELP YOURSELF!

It'll be amazing how many doors open up once you're out of the toxic, though I think you may be as addicted to that as your husband is to sugar/carbs/etc.

You're a heck of a lot better off than most women in abusive relationships; you still have friends and family that you speak to and job skill that you can use right now if you chose.

You actually have all the means to get out. The door is open but nobody can cross the threshold for you.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

Am I the only one reading this and scratching my head wondering if this is for real? So many people have offered OP wonderful advice yet I can't seem to get myself invested in the OP.

I think we've heard this song and dance before. Um, Kathryn something, if I remember correctly. Also, Mama Mia?

Anyways, you have three choices, OP. Stay and put up with the crap; stay and stop putting up with the crap; or leave.