Misbehaving Adult Child Advice

[DawnCt1]

Ah. Excuse my nit-picky mood this morning, but you could have just said "my son".

My gut reaction is still that you need to let him take his lumps. It may be the only way he learns. Even if it means jail time, a permanent record, taking a second job to pay for fines or his own car. Taking yours away is a great first step.

I also think opening his mail is out of line. Next time set his aside and make him open it in front of you. If he refuses, tell him to get a place of his own and move out.

A wake up call for him is in order. Good luck.

He dodged a bullet with the shop lifting incident, and that right there, poor judgment is enough to take away the car. He was in the presence of alcohol which is justification for keeping that car away from his longer. But do you seriously envision a "permanent record' that will impact his future and jail time for beer?? I don't think so.

 

[Jennasis]

He dodged a bullet with the shop lifting incident, and that right there, poor judgment is enough to take away the car. He was in the presence of alcohol which is justification for keeping that car away from his longer. But do you seriously envision a "permanent record' that will impact his future and jail time for beer?? I don't think so.

Oh not at all! I was merely pointing out that he should be made to suffer the consequences of his actions, whatever they may be.

 

[JoyBell68]

I doubt it was just "one beer can" and how can you believe anything this kid says? If there were 9 teens cited, there was more than a beer can.

Actually, the citation states "one 22 oz Heineken open, on premesis."

 

[JoyBell68]

Ah. Excuse my nit-picky mood this morning, but you could have just said "my son".

In trying to keep this anonymous (I *know* people IRL on this board that I'd rather not get into this with), I specifically did not identify boy or girl which is why I used "child." Everyone assumed it was my "son" so I went with it! It was easier than continuing to type "child" or "they."

 

[minkydog]

You don't do anything. You've done your job and taught him. You need to transition out of the lecture and punishment business. Now they have to *learn.* They mess up, they have to suffer the consequences.

Not letting him use your car makes a lot of sense. It isn't punishment - it's consequence for showing poor judgment.

Exactly. Mom, I know you mean well and you only want the best for your child, but he/she is not a child anymore. You need to just keep your mouth shut and let your child deal with the consequences of his/her behavior.

I also agree with this poster about use of the car.He is proving untrustworthy and immature in his decision-making skills. My oldest DS23 got a serious speeding violation when he was 19. Going 25mph over the limit in a school zone--at 8:15 a.m. He was totally blase about it, too, ordering me to call an attorney. Um, no, son, that's not how it works. You do the crime, you do the time. Hardest thing I ever had to do was let the chips fall where they may. I did go with him to court, but did not speak to the judge during his case. After she sent him on his way(with thankfully, NO jail time) she called me aside and told me to get him off my insurance and turn the car over to him ASAP, before he hurt someone and they bring judgement against US(with deeper pockets than a 19yo.) We had already planned to give him the old truck(no comments please, this was a good decision in the long run), so we just signed it over to him a little earlier.

Since that time DS23 has gotten several other tickets for speeding and one for open container, which in GA goes down as DUI. Well, now the chickens have come home to roost because he's been trying to get a job. Several potential employers have turned him down due to his background check, even though he has no police record other than these traffic violations. His car insurance is through the roof and he has no other choice but pay it. DS has also defauted on some medical bills and has consequently ruined his credit. The hardest thing for me as a mom is to stand by and let him learn these lessons.

 

[Free4Life11]

Good luck, sounds like he is dealing with the consequences. Neither seem like a huge deal to me and I don't think they should have lasting consequences. I think you need to make sure he knows the ground rules to living with you. Just be thankful he's not on the drugs...sounds like he succumb to peer pressure easily. What's he gonna say when his friend gives him some ecstasy or asks him to smoke some meth?

 

[DawnCt1]

Oh not at all! I was merely pointing out that he should be made to suffer the consequences of his actions, whatever they may be.

 

[Acklander]

By the age of 18, I'd pretty much backed off completely on "parenting" issues. Unless they ask me for advice, I let them handle it. If it makes you feel better by not letting him use your car, go for it. It's your car, and nobody is entitled to it except you.
That being said, I never would have opened my adult child's mail without permission or searched his room, even if he did live with me. I'd already done my job as a parent, now it's his turn.

 

[Kimberly]

over 18 not a child...you opened his mail?

That actually was my initial reaction as well. You have a right to be disappointed in him, and annoyed by all this nonsense he or she might be doing. You can even kick them out as a result of it... but opening their mail? That is a major invasion of privacy, even if you are the head of the household.

For the young adult, it sounds like he does need a dose of responsibility. I'd let him rent his own place, or charge him rent.

 

[RitaE]

Well - what would I do?
As for the shoplifting I'd consider removing the privilege of using my car for anything other than work or school for the rest of the summer.

As for the being in the presence of an open beer bottle at somebody's house.... I'm not sure. I'd want to check out the story and then I might even have a talk with a local lawyer because I don't agree with punishing an 18year who is not drinking for simply being around a beer.

Good grief if that's the story then that's a totally ridiculous harassing charge if you ask me and if I was feeling feisty enough I just might be willing to help him raise a stink over it.

Oh, and I open my kid's mail all the time. If he wants to press charges and send me to jail then I guess that means I wouldn't be around to run his undies through the washing machine anymore.

 

[Kimberly]

Oh, and I open my kid's mail all the time. If he wants to press charges and send me to jail then I guess that means I wouldn't be around to run his undies through the washing machine anymore.

What comes around... goes around. Just remember that when your kids need to take care of you in old age. I had major issues with my parents about this, and they finally understood when I just had my own PO box instead.

Then again, I also moved out when I was 18-19.

 

[DawnCt1]

Well - what would I do?
As for the shoplifting I'd consider removing the privilege of using my car for anything other than work or school for the rest of the summer.

As for the being in the presence of an open beer bottle at somebody's house.... I'm not sure. I'd want to check out the story and then I might even have a talk with a local lawyer because I don't agree with punishing an 18year who is not drinking for simply being around a beer.

Good grief if that's the story then that's a totally ridiculous harassing charge if you ask me and if I was feeling feisty enough I just might be willing to help him raise a stink over it.

Oh, and I open my kid's mail all the time. If he wants to press charges and send me to jail then I guess that means I wouldn't be around to run his undies through the washing machine anymore.

I would guess that there is a "revenue enhancing fine" in this particular district.

 

[Acklander]

Oh, and I open my kid's mail all the time. If he wants to press charges and send me to jail then I guess that means I wouldn't be around to run his undies through the washing machine anymore.

I stopped running my kid's undies through the washing machine at around age 12 (when they're tall enough to reach all the buttons on the washing machine).

 

[Disney Doll]

OP...the legal stuff...let child deal with and take the consequences.

Your car...if child was my kid and it was my car in my name, child wouldn't be using it. Child has poor judgement. I don't want to be the one who pays the price if child exercises poor judgement while child is driving my car because then I would be paying the price for child's poor judgement...not happening!!! Period. End of discussion. If child has no other way to get to work...well, this so-called "legal adult" should have thought of that before child did stupid stuff.

Opening child's mail...I lived home when I was 18, would not have been able to live on my own. If I was embroiled in a couple of "issues" like this, I would fully expect my parents would be opening my mail. And as Dawn said, if this legal adult has a problem with that, child can damn well find his own place to live and deal with thier own life without mooching off Mommy & Daddy.

As far as the confusion between legal adult and legal to drink...what's so confusing? At 18, you can vote, go to war and be tried as an adult. At 21 you can drink. It's been the same way for many years now. Was that way when I wa younger...I always understood it just fine.

 

[Disney Doll]

What comes around... goes around. Just remember that when your kids need to take care of you in old age. I had major issues with my parents about this, and they finally understood when I just had my own PO box instead.

Then again, I also moved out when I was 18-19.

And you would have had you been my daughter too and giving me grief about mail.

 

[Planogirl]

My parents didn't open my mail but then I never got much of anything at home. I was too crafty for that...just in case.

I think that taking away use of the car for anything other than school or work is a good ideal. These sound like small things and hopefully he's learned his lesson.

 

[Northstar]

Considering you are guilty of a felony in opening mail not addressed to you and the shoplifting most likely a misdemeanor you are guilty of the more serious offense. So I would let it go.

It is not a felony to open mail that's not addressed to you once it has been duly delivered and is out of the hands of the US Postal Service.

The felony is interfering with mail that is still in the mail.



OP, I agree with those who say it's not your business to interfere. Your son has to take care of this stuff himself.
If you think you need to take steps to protect yourself from your son's poor judgement and what it might lead to, like getting him off your car insurance, that's not "punishment" and shouldn't be presented to him as such. That is natural consequences.

 

[RitaE]

What comes around... goes around. Just remember that when your kids need to take care of you in old age. I had major issues with my parents about this, and they finally understood when I just had my own PO box instead.

okay then. That's fine. I'll just spend his inheritance at the cushiest Nursing Home I can find and he won't have to look after me at all.

As far as the mail - All he ever receives is the college tuition bills which I pay. Not a big deal. I open all the mail here - because I'm the one who gets the mail from the mailbox. Most of the time it doesn't even occur to me to look at an envelope to see who it is addressed to.

Anything personal goes to his email account.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I'd have opened the mail. But that's how I was raised. As long as I was under my parents roof, being supported by them, I was still not an adult. Period. Want to be an adult? Get a job and an apartment. Then your mail is your own.

Respectfully, age and living situation notwithstanding, the government doesn't agree with you in this matter. Mail addressed to a specific person of any age in my household may legally be opened by that person only, unless it's also addressed to "or occupant", or "or legal guardian", or "or parent", or words to that effect.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Exactly. I have no interest in personal letters or invitations. Ifthey aren't going to be home for a long time and an invitation comes, I call and ask if they want me to open it. They usually do.

I guess a lot depends on how one defines "a long time". The eighteen year old lives with the OP. Chances are, "a long time" in this case meant a few hours between when the mail was delivered and when the young man arrived home from wherever he was.