Misbehaving Adult Child Advice

[JoyBell68]

Anonymous poster...sorry. Have my reasons.

I have an over-18 child at home who works and goes to college. Never been a problem with behavior.

Yesterday I get a notice in the mail from another state vs. my child. Child went out of town on a trip with friends to a place notoriously harsh on kids (with plenty of warnings from Mom). Cops came to the door and demanded to be let in. Owner of house had been previously instructed not to let cops in without warrant as this is their usual tactic but they all got scared and let the cops in. According to the citation, one empty open bottle (specifically a 22 oz Heinken) was found on the counter. Nine of them were cited for underage possesion of alcohol. So my kid has to go to a trial for this in a few months.

My child was at work when I got this in the mail. In the meantime, my DH, who was furious, decides to search child's room for the citation.

Doesn't find citation; however, finds another citation. Apparently back in May, child was caught stealing from a local grocery store. Fortunately, the store does not call the cops. They give the perpetrators 2 weeks to pay for the merchandise which is doubled in price.

Child comes home and I got all the explanations.

The alcohol citation was just as stated. My child just arrived at the location, had been there maybe 2 hours, and was sitting out on the porch with one friend when the cops starting eyeing the house (other kids were on different porches and up on the roof). The cops came in, searched, found the one beer bottle apparently which, according to the owner, had been sitting there from the previous night. Child tried to explain to police that they had just got there and didn't know much of what was going on. Tough luck.

This offense bugs me but not as much as the next.

Child states that they went to the grocery store with friend. Friend thought it would be cool to try to just take these small items of which there were six at $5.00 a piece. Child went along with it even though they knew it was stupid but friend wanted to do it so bad. Child had possession of one of the 6 items. Child claims to have complied with the policy and has paid the store what was required.

Devastated here and terribly angry. What do you *do* to an 18 year old? Anything?

How at 18 do you not know at 18 that shoplifting is STUPID? How do you not know that you can't get away with stuff?

This child didn't give me any type of trouble through high school. They had a good head on their shoulders at times when others didn't.

I'm really just shocked on the stealing and how bad it could have been. Child thinks I'm dwelling on that because it didn't turn out badly.

I've told child that I have lost any trust in their judgement and I just don't know how things are going to be in the next few months. I do not trust child to drive my car to anything but work because I believe they have very poor judgement.

How would you handle this? It's not really like I can send them to their room.

 

[Jennasis]

For starters, this is not a child. Perhaps not behaving like a mature adult, but you need to get on board with the fact that thiss person is not a child and will not be treated like one by the law, so I suggest getting on board with that notion.

Perhaps if you cut the apron strings and started treating them like an adult (charge rent, or make them get their own place), your "child" would begin acting like an adult. Sink or swim baby!

 

[Art 1]

It's a tough situation that I would not know how to handle. I have an 18 and a 22 year old. But I would not believe any thing that he or she tells you.

 

[bballmom56]

I agree. The alcohol citation doesn't bother me as much as the stealing citation, but really they could both be serious. Will they come up if someone (prosepctive employer?) does a background check? That could be seriously limiting his options.

I realize he is both working and going to college, but maybe it's time he take on a little more life responsibility at home - such as paying you some rent for living there like "adults" need to, even if it is just a token amount like $10/week. Maybe he needs to do some "community service" activity of some kind since he has all this free time. Those are two of the ways I would approach this.

 

[lillygator]

over 18 not a child...you opened his mail?

 

[NewDCLGuy]

You don't do anything. You've done your job and taught him. You need to transition out of the lecture and punishment business. Now they have to *learn.* They mess up, they have to suffer the consequences.

Not letting him use your car makes a lot of sense. It isn't punishment - it's consequence for showing poor judgment.

 

[Ceila]

Anonymous poster...sorry. Have my reasons.

I have an over-18 child at home who works and goes to college. Never been a problem with behavior.

Yesterday I get a notice in the mail from another state vs. my child. Child went out of town on a trip with friends to a place notoriously harsh on kids (with plenty of warnings from Mom). Cops came to the door and demanded to be let in. Owner of house had been previously instructed not to let cops in without warrant as this is their usual tactic but they all got scared and let the cops in. According to the citation, one empty open bottle (specifically a 22 oz Heinken) was found on the counter. Nine of them were cited for underage possesion of alcohol. So my kid has to go to a trial for this in a few months.

My child was at work when I got this in the mail. In the meantime, my DH, who was furious, decides to search child's room for the citation.

Doesn't find citation; however, finds another citation. Apparently back in May, child was caught stealing from a local grocery store. Fortunately, the store does not call the cops. They give the perpetrators 2 weeks to pay for the merchandise which is doubled in price.

Child comes home and I got all the explanations.

The alcohol citation was just as stated. My child just arrived at the location, had been there maybe 2 hours, and was sitting out on the porch with one friend when the cops starting eyeing the house (other kids were on different porches and up on the roof). The cops came in, searched, found the one beer bottle apparently which, according to the owner, had been sitting there from the previous night. Child tried to explain to police that they had just got there and didn't know much of what was going on. Tough luck.

This offense bugs me but not as much as the next.

Child states that they went to the grocery store with friend. Friend thought it would be cool to try to just take these small items of which there were six at $5.00 a piece. Child went along with it even though they knew it was stupid but friend wanted to do it so bad. Child had possession of one of the 6 items. Child claims to have complied with the policy and has paid the store what was required.

Devastated here and terribly angry. What do you *do* to an 18 year old? Anything?

How at 18 do you not know at 18 that shoplifting is STUPID? How do you not know that you can't get away with stuff?

This child didn't give me any type of trouble through high school. They had a good head on their shoulders at times when others didn't.

I'm really just shocked on the stealing and how bad it could have been. Child thinks I'm dwelling on that because it didn't turn out badly.

I've told child that I have lost any trust in their judgement and I just don't know how things are going to be in the next few months. I do not trust child to drive my car to anything but work because I believe they have very poor judgement.

How would you handle this? It's not really like I can send them to their room.

It strike's me as odd that you opened his mail, since he is a legal adult.

It sounds like your son has made some poor choices and is now paying for them. I hope he is taking responsibility for his actions, but it sounds from your post that he might not be. I don't have any advice, but I wish you luck as you deal with this situation.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I know it is rough, just because things happen with our children we dont stop loving them. But he needs to understand you wont condone his actions, and that he know you and your husband are on the same page. I think another question I would approach mine with is so did you get a reciept from the store? Then when he isnt home I would out of couristy call and see if he paid it.

But let him know he needs to face up to his conseqences for his actions and you and your husband are not going to bail him out. I hope everything goes well. Please let us know how things are going. Jo

 

[JoyBell68]

For starters, this is not a child. Perhaps not behaving like a mature adult, but you need to get on board with the fact that thiss person is not a child and will not be treated like one by the law, so I suggest getting on board with that notion.

Perhaps if you cut the apron strings and started treating them like an adult (charge rent, or make them get their own place), your "child" would begin acting like an adult. Sink or swim baby!

I am keenly aware of that. When posting on a message board, I'm not quite sure how to signify that this person is my offspring but is of adult age.

Should I have titled it "Misbehaving Adult Offspring?" Seems kind of awkward. Yes, I felt funny typing the word child but didn't have a better term at the time.

No matter what the age, this person will always be my child. It's words on a message board and they were the easiest ones to use.

 

[JoyBell68]

It strike's me as odd that you opened his mail, since he is a legal adult.

It sounds like your son has made some poor choices and is now paying for them. I hope he is taking responsibility for his actions, but it sounds from your post that he might not be. I don't have any advice, but I wish you luck as you deal with this situation.

When I saw the "State of XXXXX against XXXXXXX", I opened it.

Also, to add, they already pay car insurance, cell phone bill, and kick in for school.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This is how your 18yo learns. Hopefully they do not repeat the shoplifting incident.

Did your child really pay for the merchandise? Check up on it. I would. Stealers make liars.

As far as the alcohol thing, that would not even be on my radar. It sounds like a non-issue to me.

If you do not have rules of your house as far as your child, come up with some.

Certainly the shoplifting thing is very disturbing.

1. Child stole merchandise.
2. Child followed along with a "friend".

Taking away the car is reasonable. Sounds like child needs a wake up call.

 

[indimom]

I'd have opened the mail. But that's how I was raised. As long as I was under my parents roof, being supported by them, I was still not an adult. Period. Want to be an adult? Get a job and an apartment. Then your mail is your own.

I agree with your decision to limit the car usage. He's clearly shown that when he is socializing, he is gullable (sp?) and he really needs to think about the types of people he is choosing to "hang out" with. Have you met these friends?? Maybe you need to have a long talk about the types of people he wants in his life. And DON'T call it shoplifting. That's too kind. It's STEALING!!!! It's not STUPID, It's WRONG. Don't pull your punches. Don't try to stay on his good side, you need to get his conscience working. If this is the first time he has ever done things like this, make sure it's the last time.

I have family members who poo-pooed their kids first brush with the law, and it's been downhill ever since. (We're talking prison and the boy's still under 21. And it started out with "his friend's idea.")

 

[nhmomx2]

From a parent with a very difficult child (ODD)...no one knows your child the way you do. You need to do what YOU are comfortable with and what YOU think is best. People can offer suggestions, criticize you for your judgment, pat you on the back for how you handle things, but when it comes down to it, he's not their child - he's yours. Until you are personally put into a situation you have absolutely no idea how you would truly handle it. Good luck in what ever way you with to handle this

 

[luvthatdisney]

I'd have opened the mail. But that's how I was raised. As long as I was under my parents roof, being supported by them, I was still not an adult. Period. Want to be an adult? Get a job and an apartment. Then your mail is your own.

I totally agree. Our DS just turned 20 and is still at school and living at home. As long as he lives here and we are his major support, he will be treated just as he always has and will have to follow our rules. I also open his mail if he is not home. He does get alot of medical insurance related paperwork (he has melanoma) and I have to keep up with it. I have been teaching him about it so he can handle it himself. As of now, I do not trust he can keep up with important paperwork.

I learned that just because they turn 18, does not mean they are mature enough to handle many situations. At 20, our DS is still maturing. I see subtle changes in him all the time. As for the OP~ it seems her son has some issues with peer pressure and it is a real problem for many kids. My DS has also experienced this as well (under age drinking). I have taught him right from wrong and just have to hope he chooses the right way to go.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Considering you are guilty of a felony in opening mail not addressed to you and the shoplifting most likely a misdemeanor you are guilty of the more serious offense. So I would let it go.

 

[Ceila]

Considering you are guilty of a felony in opening mail not addressed to you and the shoplifting most likely a misdemeanor you are guilty of the more serious offense. So I would let it go.

Well you're just all sunshine and light, aren't you?

 

[luvmy3]

I would be upset if this was my child, however I would let him/her take full responsibility for what has happened. It sounds like your ds did that regarding the shoplifting, and will have to do so again with the upcoming trial, including the financial hardship of it. I see these things as so minor that I wouldn't get myself overly upset about them, if this kind of stuff becomes an ongoing problem, yes, but not now.

 

[luvsJack]

This is where you are going to have to just let go and let him/her handle it. He/she may handle it wrong or right, and may handle it completely different than you would; but you still have to let them do it. Bow completely out of it.

I understand the "he is under our roof" argument and when ds lived here there were certain rules that had to be followed but one of them was NOT that I opened his mail. I might hold it, hand it to him and tell him to open it with me standing there; but I would have never opened it. Besides, the fact of the matter is neither event happened under you roof. I didn't get in his business, but expected him to handle it.

If he is paying his own insurance, I am assuming he has his own car. I really don't think taking something away from an adult that belongs to him is really appropriate.

At 18 he is probably going to have consequences when he goes to court, as long as he pays the fines and faces those consequences himself; I don't see where you really need to do anything.

I would want to check that he/she paid the store too, but remember he/she is 18 years old and no one actually has to tell you anything about what he/she did. Has he already gone to court for the shoplifting? Was repaying the store what the courts told him to do? If he didn't pay there will worse consequences coming from the court system. I may give him that warning and then let him take it from there.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Well you're just all sunshine and light, aren't you?

It is just hypocritical to want to point out a sons issues with the law when the op broke the law too.

Or is the intent supposed to be do as i say not as I do?

 

[bballmom56]

I learned that just because they turn 18, does not mean they are mature enough to handle many situations. At 20, our DS is still maturing. I see subtle changes in him all the time.

This is so true. We have seen tremendous mental and emotional growth between 18 and 21.