MIL help - long story

[goudaman40]

Some of y'all may remember my post about 2 years ago about my MIL and her Stroke.

Well, here is a little history on the situation. Hubby and I have been together for nearly 17 years and have been married for almost 13 years. I was never his mother's first choice (she started a bet on our wedding day on how long we would stay married). She always manipulated him and guilted him into doing things for him. When we would go home to visit, she would always rush to push me out of the way so she could be next to hubby and hold his hand/arm. I always felt that it was an unhealthy obsession that she had with her son and voice my concerns/opinons to hubby, which were answered with I was just being jealous and had to understand that they have always been close.

My MIL would always have a crisis (asthma attack, sickness, instant headache) if the attention was focused on someone else and she wasn't the center of attention when my hubby was in the same room as her. Example, my first college graduation (AA degree), during the graduation she had an asthma attack and needing a breathing treatment at the same time I was receiving my degree). Of course after my name was called she was "instantly" better.

Flash forward to Christmas 2004, she suffers a massive stroke and was in the hospital/rehabilitation for the next 4 months. After she was released from the last rehabilitation hospital we moved her in with us and became her caregivers. I was working on my BS and hubby was working full time in the Marine Corps. I was taking 19 hours and taking care of his mom full time, cleaning the home, cooking meals, and working as a TA for my degree. My MIL can't do anything for herself except feed herself after you have set up her plate. I started noticing that she would start doing things differntly when my hubby was around. For instance, I would assist her on setting up in her chair and assist on placing her arm in the right place; she was always fine and never complained or groaned when I moved her arm. When I would do the same thing when my husband was in the room, she would scream and start crying; hubby would ask what I was doing and why was I hurting mom. Then when his back would be turned to her, she would start smiling and smirking because I was being questioned about hurting her.

My husband tells me that I am imagining things and that his mom isn't like that. We had to place her in a nursing home in September, because her care was more than we (I) could handle. It was decided by his sister's that their mom be moved back to their hometown because so many family members and friends are there and it would be more benefical to have more than just one family be responsible for visiting, etc. Well, now all of a sudden she is having problems with the staff members there. when she doesn't like someone she instantly starts saying that that person is "hurting" her. Hubby feels like he has to rush to her to help and that he should buy her anything that she asks for. She guilts him into anything that she wants. When hubby and I went on our cruise for my graduation and an anniversary (we had his sister come down and take care of her while we were gone) she made herself sick and threw a tantrum the day that we were leaving out and started yelling to him "but what about me?".

I know it sounds like I am being the jealous wife, but my MIL is so manipulative. Since her stroke, she has learned even more now than ever, how to push my hubby's buttons and get him to be mad at me. He doesn't believe that his mom can do this because she had a stroke and she is different now.

I'm at a loss on what to do. It has always been a competition with her and has become even more of a competition now since the stroke. I feel like the "third wheel" when ever all of us go together some place. Please help! I'm at my wits end and feel like I am losing it mentally.

 

[Goofyluver]

I worked in a rehab center as a speech therapist. I worked specifically on the brain injury team, mostly with stroke patients. The truth is that these patients can have a change in mood and demeanor. Brain injuries can cause emotional outbursts and changes in personality. His mother is probably not the same woman. But, this does not mean that she is necessarily incapable of being manipulative. If she is having some of the same behaviors at her nursing home, maybe you and your husband could speak with the staff there about what is occurring before she says that people are "hurting her". The staff there will be honest with you and your hubby. Maybe this will help to clear things up, if others are reporting similar behaviors. I saw a patient who we forced to feed herself, all of a sudden be incapable of doing this when her granddaughter came to visit.

On the flip side, I am sure that this situation is very difficult for your husband. Strokes damage not just the person who has had the stroke, but also the family. I would recommend taking a stroke ed. class that is often offered at nursing homes. They will discuss ramifications of strokes, including personality and mood changes. There are also several available books on strokes which are useful to educate families. Education is always the key to understanding.

I wish you luck in what I am sure is a very difficult time. Hugs to you and I hope things improve.

 

[goudaman40]

Thanks goofyluver.

My MIL has Aphasia Broca. It took a long time for her to get her speech back and she had and still has wonderful thearpist. It has been a little over 2 years since her stroke (left frontal temproal lobe) and has done wonders. The problem is that she enjoys people waiting on her and doing things for her. Hubby finally saw what I had been talking about for over a year, but the rest of the family seems to be "blind" to the situation. We have discussed things with the staff members at the home and the problem is that my hubby feels guilty for having her live in a home. She will be 59 this year and I know she had a stroke at a young age and feels its not fair to his mom that she has to live in a home.

I have explained that for her care it is for the best. She was starting to have more seizures and was putting on weight and it was becoming more and more difficult for me to lift and assist her. I explained to hubby that I didn't feel like I could handle her transfers safely by myself. He now sees that it was for the best that she was no longer living with us, but she still cries to him and tells him that "you promised" (talking about her living in a home).

 

[Goofyluver]

Goodness...I'm so sorry it's been so difficult for you and your family. Honestly, what surprised me when I came to work in this hospital was that the stroke survivors were on the brain injury ward. I had never even thought of a stroke being a brain injury, but it is! This is difficult for families to accept, heck, it was difficult for me to wrap my mind around. But, maybe if it is explained in this context, it will make some of the behaviors that have occurred more understandable.

I can't imagine how you and your husband must feel. Of course there will be guilt. But, if you can't manage it, then it is much safer for her to be in the nursing facility. I had to learn to do transfers...something I am far to small to manage well. I was nervous about it, and I was in a medical hospital. Don't feel guilty for not being able to manage this...it is soooo hard!

Of course your MIL is going to be upset by her situation. I can't imagine how she must feel either, being trapped in a body that she can no longer control as well as she could before. But, do keep in mind, a stroke is a brain injury. So, when she makes you angry, maybe it won't feel so offensive or hurtful.

 

[DisMN]

It sounds to me like your MIL was manipulative before the stroke and that she's still as manipulative as ever, and now uses the stroke to HIDE how mean sprited she is.
My MIL has, on occasion, actually said "if push came to shove my son would pick ME"

What saved our marriage was moving her across town and avoiding her as much as possible. I wish you all the best in dealing with this and I'm VERY glad your husband has actually witnessed her behavior. My husband finally believed me about how his mom treated me when a family friend TOLD him that she had badmouthed me. Needless to say he was shocked and embarrassed that he'd had his head in the sand in regards to his mother.
He assured her that if push came to shove he would choose his wife. That didn't go over too well with her.

Again, best of luck dealing with this. It's not fun when we're supposed to respect our elders but they act like such jerks that there's nothing TO respect.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

From my perspective you have done ALOT!
Time to let it all go...free yourself.

Yes your DH is attached at the hip, he has been all along. Stop fighting it and accept it.
When he runs down there or buys her something just smile and give him a hug.

Do the hard thing and turn it around to compassion. In fact your compassion can be intense if you know what I mean.

Since he is that way, accept and move on. Try and find the good in it.

 

[It's A Happy Day]

From my perspective you have done ALOT!
Time to let it all go...free yourself.

Yes your DH is attached at the hip, he has been all along. Stop fighting it and accept it.
When he runs down there or buys her something just smile and give him a hug.

Do the hard thing and turn it around to compassion. In fact your compassion can be intense if you know what I mean.

Since he is that way, accept and move on. Try and find the good in it.

I have always heard the quote "look how your SO treats his mother to get an idea of how good he is" and I think this fits the bill. It sounds like your DH will be there "through sickness & health!" Unfortunately your DH never cut the apron strings and detached himself from his mother and now is not the time to do it with her deteriorating health. I can imagine how difficult things are for you now but remember that later on in life you can look back and think that you took the high road. I give you a ton of credit for doing everything you have...I don't know if I would have that strength and I get along great with my MIL!

 

[goudaman40]

Thank you all for your kind words. The biggest thing that bugs me the most about the situation is my hubby is the middle child and it is expected of us to do things for my MIL. We don't/can't have kids, so it was assumed by both of his sisters and family that we would be the responsible ones. I just wish that they would (someone else in the family) would step up and take some of the mental exhaustion away from hubby and I.

I have always turned the other cheek and ignored the harsh words she has said over the years; but I lost it one time. Last August she looked at me with the most killing stare and said through closed teeth "I hate you". I explained that is fine and dandy, but I didn't see either one of her daughters lining up to bath her or take her to the restroom on a daily basis. I also explained that if that is how she truly feeled then she would be living a long hateful life towards me because she was not going to ruin the relationship/marriage I have with her son.

She screamed and through stuff at me and of course it was at that time that hubby walked in and asked "What did you do to mom?". I just smiled and said I would explain it to him in another room where his mom could not hear our conversation. He did make her apologize to me, but it was a half hearted, he's making me do this, but you know I still hate you apology.

 

[CEDmom]

Honestly, it sounds like your DH needs a bit more of a backbone. Let him deal with his mother. You've done more than your fair share.

 

[Tazicket]

Good grief. My first thought while reading your OP was "What a heiffer!" Followed by "OP should really set up a video camera to record some of this garbage."

I know neither of those thoughts really help. Maybe you and your DH could sit down with his family and set up a more equal arrangement? Is your MIL as attatched to any of her other children as she is to DH? The fact that you and your DH do not have children is NOT an excuse for the rest of his family to bail and leave you guys stuck handling his mother.

 

[ilovejack02]

You are a sweet woman for dealing with her as much as you have. I loved my grandmother dearly... but she was such a witch sometimes. It was crazy, she would be just a yapping at my mom about something , but the second a man hit the door she was sweet as pie. She lived with us along time, but also got too be too much for my mother to take care of by herself. I was in college and daddy worked full time.
One night my parents were out of town and the nursing home called she was having a really bad night crying etc. I was about 18 at the time, so I called my boyfriend up and he met me there. I was sitting next to her patting her and trying to calm her and he walked in the room and she lit up like a Christmas tree.
It got to where my mother just let my dad deal with her on everything. It worked best for everyone involved. I hope you and Dh can come to some type of understanding on this.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I am going to get up on my soapbox here and say what I have said many times here before on the DIS.

Your MIL is not the problem.
Your husbands siblings are not the problem.

From what you have quoted, if your husband was blindly assuming that YOU might have actually been 'doing something' to your MIL, and walks in the room saying 'What did you do to her now?". Well, it is very clear that

Your husband is the problem.
This is not an 'inlaw' issue, it is a 'marriage' issue.

The issue is not that he is 'giving' towards his mother... He has shown a very serious lack of respect for YOU. For him to actually, finally, see with his own eyes what his mother has been doing, and can no longer deny it, and to continue to subject you to that and to continue to refuse to understand and to validate your feelings is completely wrong.

At some point all the 'giving' to his mother amounts to 'taking' from you. And, that is just not acceptable.

It is very clear that your MIL was this way before the stroke, and that she is still very purposefully being this way. Nothing has changed in that regard.

IMHO there is NO excuse for your husbands acceptance of anyone treating his wife that way. There was no excuse before the stroke. And there is no excuse after the stroke.

The one thing that I do not see is how you can change this. It appears that your husband is going to put his mother before his wife and his marriage until the bitter end. It sounds like he is literally blinded to any other option.

I know. I speak from personal experience here. I often wonder just what the TOLL on my marriage is going to add up too. My FIL was very adversarial towards me. DH didn't care. He continued to subject me to that unacceptable behavior. (until I finally just refused) Well, FIL died over a year ago. Did that solve anything? Did that all of the sudden allow DH to love and respect me like he should? Nope, of course not!!! FIL wasn't the problem. DH was the problem.

You know what, now it is his mother that always comes first... You know how long it's been since DH made an effort for the two of us to have any special time together... a long time... But, come hell or high water he will make the time and effort to go see his mother and do things for her every single weekend.

I keep wondering, when is it my turn????

To the poster who said look how your DH treats his mother and you will see how you will be treated... In cases like this with the permanantly attached umbilical cord, there is simply no way that the DH treats his wife with half of the love or respect that he gives his mother. It is always 'appease the mother'. The wife is given up like some kind of sacrificial offering to the mother.

I have told DH a few times before that the day where I saw even half the respect that he showed his parents would be the day that we actually had a 'marriage'.

It occurs to me that you might be seeing things a little differently if you had kids. I could suck it up and take FIL's unacceptable abusive behavior, and did for many years. The day it started to affect my son was the day that I finally made the decision that it was OVER, and refused to subject myself or my son to that situation any longer.

 

[babytrees]

Okay, I am going to get up on my soapbox here and say what I have said many times here before on the DIS.

Your MIL is not the problem.
Your husbands siblings are not the problem.

From what you have quoted, if your husband is blindly assuming that YOU might have actually been 'doing something' to your MIL, and walks in the room saying 'What did you do to her now?". Well, it is very clear that

Your husband is the problem.
This is not an 'inlaw' issue, it is a 'marriage' issue.

These were my thoughts also.

Thank you for saying this and some of these for you!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

After giving my thoughts and experience above, this would be my advice as well.

Honestly, it sounds like your DH needs a bit more of a backbone. Let him deal with his mother. You've done more than your fair share.