MIL and my husband's birthday.

[cdepauli]

Let me preface this by saying that I like my mother in law very much.

A few weeks ago, she asked if my husband and I would be able to come to their house on a Sunday for a cookout for his 30th birthday. That was fine, we usually go out to dinner or do something with his family for his birthday.

On Easter, she informed me that she was inviting all of his aunts and uncles to come as well. I was kind of caught off guard by this, since neither my husband nor I care for having big parties or being the center of attention, though we'll both be fine with it and very appreciative. My problems are two-fold:

1) I feel somewhat guilty that I'M not throwing a big party, even though neither of us would even remotely want to do this, but it makes me feel like I should have. This is obviously just how a feel, so not really a problem.

2) I'm miffed that she did not discuss this with me at all, even though we had spoken on the phone at least twice before Easter. I feel - left out - I guess. I'm also upset because I would have also invited some of my family who my husband is close to (much closer than many of the family that is being invited).

My question is - Should I approach her about inviting my immediate family? I know they would be thrilled to come, and my brother even lives with us and they are friends. Should I see about inviting one or two of his friends? I just don't know what to do!

I'm planning on, perhaps, offering to get the cake. What do you think?

BTW I'm taking him to Victoria and Albert's for his birthday. He took me to Lautrec for my 30th, and I DID NOT have a party and would not have wanted one.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Let me preface this by saying that I like my mother in law very much.

A few weeks ago, she asked if my husband and I would be able to come to their house on a Sunday for a cookout for his 30th birthday. That was fine, we usually go out to dinner or do something with his family for his birthday.

On Easter, she informed me that she was inviting all of his aunts and uncles to come as well. I was kind of caught off guard by this, since neither my husband nor I care for having big parties or being the center of attention, though we'll both be fine with it and very appreciative. My problems are two-fold:

1) I feel somewhat guilty that I'M not throwing a big party, even though neither of us would even remotely want to do this, but it makes me feel like I should have. This is obviously just how a feel, so not really a problem.

2) I'm miffed that she did not discuss this with me at all, even though we had spoken on the phone at least twice before Easter. I feel - left out - I guess. I'm also upset because I would have also invited some of my family who my husband is close to (much closer than many of the family that is being invited).

My question is - Should I approach her about inviting my immediate family? I know they would be thrilled to come, and my brother even lives with us and they are friends. Should I see about inviting one or two of his friends? I just don't know what to do!

I'm planning on, perhaps, offering to get the cake. What do you think?

BTW I'm taking him to Victoria and Albert's for his birthday. He took me to Lautrec for my 30th, and I DID NOT have a party and would not have wanted one.

If you are going to ask to invite your side of the family and then some friends of your brother's, I think you need to offer up more than just the cake.

If you are close to your MIL, I don't see the problem giving her a call and asking if you could invite your friends and relatives too and offering to cover the total costs for the extra guests.

 

[cdepauli]

I meant my husband's friends! Sorry.

I wasn't thinking I would do just a cake if I did invite some of my family members. I was thinking of them as two separate things - Like, should I invite my family, should I get a cake, or should I .... etc.

 

[disykat]

Personally, I'd leave it and let it be HER party. If you invite people and share hosting duties it turns it into a bigger thing (IMO) than it sounds like you really want.

Right now this party is totally your MIL's thing and you can just show up as a guest. Then you can have your own celebration separately. You would definitely be changing that if you invited guests.

 

[Becky2005]

Personally, I'd leave it and let it be HER party. If you invite people and share hosting duties it turns it into a bigger thing (IMO) than it sounds like you really want.

Right now this party is totally your MIL's thing and you can just show up as a guest. Then you can have your own celebration separately. You would definitely be changing that if you invited guests.

In our family it really wouldn't be a party -- it would just be a family gathering that happened to be celebrating someone's birthday. I know it boils down to the same thing but we don't really put it on the same level as having an official party.

I could see something like this happening in our family - say to the aunts/uncles - come on over on X day for a cookout we are having for X's birthday. We are rather informal that way.

Now if it was more a formal party with real invitations sent out and then you could definitely see about inviting more if you want to co-host it.

 

[MrsToad]

If you are on good terms with DMIL, I might say something like, "You know, I was kind of caught off guard when you mentioned the new picnic plans. If we are going to have a bigger "official" birthday event than usual for DH's 30th birthday, I think DH would want to include a few members of my side of the family that he is close with and a couple of close friends. If this will be DH's official birthday celebration, we also wouldn't want these people to feel left out of such a special event. If this is okay, I would definitely want to contribute to the food, setup preparations, and clean up. What do you think?"

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think your dh should handle it, have him ask.

 

[Buckalew11]

I think you should let it be a family get together and NOT invite his friends or your family. Just go over there, enjoy the cookout and the visit with his side and leave it at that. If you want to celebrate with his friends and your family, do it separately.

I think you should have thought ahead and not invite them sorta last minute to a party she is planning for his side of the family.

IF this was going to be a big 30th b-day blow-out, it should have been planned ahead. She's wanting to celebrate his b-day and asked some family over. I wouldn't make it more than that. I think his side might resent it.

Since you said you aren't big party throwers, keep it that way. I just think it would really NOT be right. I'm close to my MIL too but I would never think of adding to her plans when I wasn't planning a party myself.
Go and enjoy and be happy with the woman who raised your nice DH.

 

[pyrxtc]

I think your MIL is having this party with her family. Maybe it was a great excuse to have them all over without really having a "party". Just go, have fun, and enjoy seeing relatives you don't normally get to see. If you want something that your family can attend, then have them all over to your house for a BBQ.

 

[Ceila]

I think it would be really nice of you to offer to bring a cake, but I would leave it at that. It sounds like your MIL wanted to get her family together. If she was trying to make it into a big birthday party for your husband, she would have invited your family and his friends already. She did not, so I think it is really meant to be what it already is - a small get-together for his side of the family.

Just because she is getting more people to come that you planned doesn't mean you have to feel guilty about not throwing your DH a party. It isn't something you two would normally do anyway, so don't feel bad about not throwing it yourself.

 

[Saphire]

I would not ask to expand the party even more, with guests from your 'side'. It is her party and her house. Also, if you added more, it would be a pretty big party, which you stated you don't enjoy anyway.

Your MIL is the hostess, and she should be able to invite who she wants. Try and think of it as a family cookout, where you will be saying Happy Birthday to your husband.

If you want a party with his friends/brother, then you should host that yourself. That way you can have control over the guest list and how big it is.

I would absolutely offer to bring the cake. If she has that covered I would offer to bring some kind of dish, whatever she may need. Have fun!

 

[shortbun]

My husband and I celebrate our birthdays with each side of the family at different times.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think your dh should handle it, have him ask.

BINGO!!!!!!

I would think twice about making this an even bigger deal, and having mixed company, etc.... But, if you and DH both agree that this is the thing to do, then HE (not you) should approach her.

Something tells me that MIL is on a 'mother' thing (my baby is 30) and SHE wants to do this just for him and her family.... I am not flaming or anything... if she usually doesn't overstep, then great!! But, something is telling me that this is how she feels. She has inadvertantly set up a MIL / DIL 'situation'.

I guess I don't understand 'mama throwing a birthday party for a 30 year old grown man....' but, if this is what she wants (and she is usually a great MIL).... I think I might just go with the flow this time and not rock the boat.

 

[buckler]

If you think of the party not as your DH's birthday, but as the 30th anniversary of your MIL giving birth, it's actually HER celebration

 

[clh2]

If you are on good terms with DMIL, I might say something like, "You know, I was kind of caught off guard when you mentioned the new picnic plans. If we are going to have a bigger "official" birthday event than usual for DH's 30th birthday, I think DH would want to include a few members of my side of the family that he is close with and a couple of close friends. If this will be DH's official birthday celebration, we also wouldn't want these people to feel left out of such a special event. If this is okay, I would definitely want to contribute to the food, setup preparations, and clean up. What do you think?"

I think this is perfect! I also agree that since you like your MIL, AND that it sounds like she doesn't do this stuff all the time, don't rock the boat, just see if you could invite the extra peopel.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Let me preface this by saying that I like my mother in law very much.

A few weeks ago, she asked if my husband and I would be able to come to their house on a Sunday for a cookout for his 30th birthday. That was fine, we usually go out to dinner or do something with his family for his birthday.

On Easter, she informed me that she was inviting all of his aunts and uncles to come as well. I was kind of caught off guard by this, since neither my husband nor I care for having big parties or being the center of attention, though we'll both be fine with it and very appreciative. My problems are two-fold:

1) I feel somewhat guilty that I'M not throwing a big party, even though neither of us would even remotely want to do this, but it makes me feel like I should have. This is obviously just how a feel, so not really a problem.

2) I'm miffed that she did not discuss this with me at all, even though we had spoken on the phone at least twice before Easter. I feel - left out - I guess. I'm also upset because I would have also invited some of my family who my husband is close to (much closer than many of the family that is being invited).

My question is - Should I approach her about inviting my immediate family? I know they would be thrilled to come, and my brother even lives with us and they are friends. Should I see about inviting one or two of his friends? I just don't know what to do!

I'm planning on, perhaps, offering to get the cake. What do you think?

BTW I'm taking him to Victoria and Albert's for his birthday. He took me to Lautrec for my 30th, and I DID NOT have a party and would not have wanted one.

I think it's ok to ask if you can invite your family, if you offer to help pay for/make the extra food.

 

[krcit]

I agree with PP's. I would just let it be but I probably offer to bring the cake. My MIL is great but I could see her doing something like that..she says to me all the time "OH, you don't know my son." Really? I've been married to him for 16 years so I think I do I don't let it get to me, I know she has good intentions. It has taken me quite a few of those 16 years to get to this point though

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd offer to bring the cake and leave the guest list alone. If you want to celebrate with your side of the family, plan something for another day.

 

[Cooky]

.

 

[cdepauli]

Thank you all for all of the great advice! I feel sooo much better, and I think I will just sit back and relax.

In our family it really wouldn't be a party -- it would just be a family gathering that happened to be celebrating someone's birthday. I know it boils down to the same thing but we don't really put it on the same level as having an official party.

I could see something like this happening in our family - say to the aunts/uncles - come on over on X day for a cookout we are having for X's birthday. We are rather informal that way.

Now if it was more a formal party with real invitations sent out and then you could definitely see about inviting more if you want to co-host it.

You bring up a good point. I don't have any idea what her intentions are for the party. Is it a big blowout "formal" party or a get together. She hasn't said anything about this.

I think your dh should handle it, have him ask.

It's a "surprise" - apparently to me too! haha.

I think you should have thought ahead and not invite them sorta last minute to a party she is planning for his side of the family.

IF this was going to be a big 30th b-day blow-out, it should have been planned ahead. She's wanting to celebrate his b-day and asked some family over. I wouldn't make it more than that. I think his side might resent it.

The thing is, I JUST found out about it on Sunday, so it's last minute on her part for even letting me know.

If my family came, his side would definitely not resent it at all. We all get along well and we're all sort of laid back open people, so that wouldn't be an issue.

I think it would be really nice of you to offer to bring a cake, but I would leave it at that. It sounds like your MIL wanted to get her family together. If she was trying to make it into a big birthday party for your husband, she would have invited your family and his friends already. She did not, so I think it is really meant to be what it already is - a small get-together for his side of the family.

Just because she is getting more people to come that you planned doesn't mean you have to feel guilty about not throwing your DH a party. It isn't something you two would normally do anyway, so don't feel bad about not throwing it yourself.

Thank you!

Something tells me that MIL is on a 'mother' thing (my baby is 30) and SHE wants to do this just for him and her family.... I am not flaming or anything... if she usually doesn't overstep, then great!! But, something is telling me that this is how she feels. She has inadvertantly set up a MIL / DIL 'situation'.

I guess I don't understand 'mama throwing a birthday party for a 30 year old grown man....' but, if this is what she wants (and she is usually a great MIL).... I think I might just go with the flow this time and not rock the boat.

This cracks me up and I think you're right. I'm going to let her have the party and that's that!

If you think of the party not as your DH's birthday, but as the 30th anniversary of your MIL giving birth, it's actually HER celebration

Thank you everybody!! I'm so excited to celebrate with my husband at Victoria and Albert's and that's what I'll look forward to. I will sit back, relax and enjoy the cookout that may or may not be a huge formal birthday party.