MICROSOFT BUYS MASSACHUSETTS
Software Giant Eliminates Final Obstacle to Antitrust Settlement
Software giant Microsoft bought the entire Commonwealth of Massachusetts today, thus removing the last remaining obstacle to its antitrust settlement with the U.S. Justice Department.
In a statement released today at Microsoft headquarters in Redmond, Washington, company co-founders William Gates and Steven Ballmer confirmed that they had purchased Massachusetts lock, stock and barrel for $17.2 billion, which is believed to be the states break-up value.
We are looking forward to integrating Massachusetts into our operations and making this historic state a vibrant part of the Microsoft family, the statement read, adding that the state will now be known as Microchusetts.
In Massachusetts, Microsoft is purchasing a state with a storied past, beginning with its role as one of the original thirteen colonies of what was eventually to become the United States of America.
But it is also buying the only state that had appealed the Justice Departments landmark antitrust settlement with Microsoft, an appeal that is likely to be dropped now.
Former Massachusetts Attorney General Tom Reilly, who was personally given his walking papers by Mr. Ballmer late Saturday night, cautioned that Microsofts acquisition of Massachusetts doesnt pass the smell test.
But while some legal experts believe that the acquisition of a major U.S. state may create new antitrust woes for the software giant, Gates and Ballmer hope to appease Justice Department lawyers by spinning off the Boston Red Sox, a franchise in which the Microsoft co-founders are said to have no interest in retaining.
Across the state today, citizens seemed to be taking Massachusetts evolution from a U.S. state to a division of Microsoft in stride.
Well probably have better dental, one Massachusetts resident said.
***Borowitz Reports***
Software Giant Eliminates Final Obstacle to Antitrust Settlement
Software giant Microsoft bought the entire Commonwealth of Massachusetts today, thus removing the last remaining obstacle to its antitrust settlement with the U.S. Justice Department.
In a statement released today at Microsoft headquarters in Redmond, Washington, company co-founders William Gates and Steven Ballmer confirmed that they had purchased Massachusetts lock, stock and barrel for $17.2 billion, which is believed to be the states break-up value.
We are looking forward to integrating Massachusetts into our operations and making this historic state a vibrant part of the Microsoft family, the statement read, adding that the state will now be known as Microchusetts.
In Massachusetts, Microsoft is purchasing a state with a storied past, beginning with its role as one of the original thirteen colonies of what was eventually to become the United States of America.
But it is also buying the only state that had appealed the Justice Departments landmark antitrust settlement with Microsoft, an appeal that is likely to be dropped now.
Former Massachusetts Attorney General Tom Reilly, who was personally given his walking papers by Mr. Ballmer late Saturday night, cautioned that Microsofts acquisition of Massachusetts doesnt pass the smell test.
But while some legal experts believe that the acquisition of a major U.S. state may create new antitrust woes for the software giant, Gates and Ballmer hope to appease Justice Department lawyers by spinning off the Boston Red Sox, a franchise in which the Microsoft co-founders are said to have no interest in retaining.
Across the state today, citizens seemed to be taking Massachusetts evolution from a U.S. state to a division of Microsoft in stride.
Well probably have better dental, one Massachusetts resident said.
***Borowitz Reports***
