Message to MY Daughter in Law: UPDATE!!

[luvsJack]

I've asked my mil to take custody of my dh back......... she won't do it.

I have asked mine to take my dh back too. She said no, but she offered to take me!

 

[Hillbeans]

I was lucky to be a part of my MIL's life until she passed away on Christmas. I met her for the first time in 1997 and DH and I were married in 1999. Early on we had to navigate our relationship, but over the years we grew to really like each other, and not just because we were related. She even moved in with us last year during her terminal illness.

I think it really is a two-way street and both the MIL and the DIL need to understand boundries and respect.

 

[Debbie7452]

I am sending pixie dust to you...

My MIL is an angel sent from heaven. I came from a somewhat dysfunctional family and she just adopted me completely! I am so lucky because she CAN be "difficult" if she doesn't like someone. She is completely there for me and our family. My FIL is the same way...love, love, love them. People always think I'm the daughter, not the daughter in law when we are together and I don't correct them! I have four kids so someday I will get lots of MIL practice...

 

[grumpeeduck]

OP, I read a ton of bitterness and spite into your post. There would be no doubt that your dil would pick up on the same. I feel that since your DS is already on his 2nd marriage, that maybe your shouldn't be so quick to judge your dil.........................

 

[Disney Doll]

Or maybe he doesn't need to stand up to his wife. Maybe he simply isn't that interested in having an involved relationship with his mother. Maybe it really is how he feels?

I hate reading about how the evil wife this, the evil wife that. You have no idea what goes on between the two of them in private so quit assuming.

Well, if that's the case, then he should have the gumption to tell his mother why he choooses to have a minimal relationship with her,rather than allowing his mother to blame his wife, when the decision is his.

 

[Handbag Lady]

OP, can you please be my MIL? I am nice, decent, and I make my husband visit his parents at least once every 1-2 years (they are in FL.)

I go, too, and I make sure I spend time with my FIL so that my husband and his mom have a lot of time. And then, I go off with friends so that they have time as a family. I really do try to be a part of them and go when invited, even though I grit my teeth and it takes every bone in my body to not speak up. (They are from the South and sometimes don't use the same uhm, wording we do.)

My MIL is so just not a warm person. She says really mean things and won't take ownership of it.

One time we were at their place for Thanksgiving. At the table, she looked at me and said, "You know my friend was overweight too. All she did was eat less and she's thin now." And then she had this look, like she just solved all of my problems.

Often, they and my husband will have an argument over something stupid and they won't talk for months. I try to stay put of it but always wanted a more well, mom-like MIL.

My family loves my husband and they are crazy, so I know he also has to put up with a lot on his end. We try to make it work the best we can. At least my family is open and warm and includes him to the point of smothering at Christmas.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I just want to say that I love my inlaws and we all get along- but why does it seem that every MIL always assume it is the DIL that makes it hard for visits etc.? Does it ever occur to them that their son really doesn't want to be bothered? Maybe someone makes annoying comments and they don't want to listen to it. Maybe someone has a pet they can't stand. Maybe they simply do not want to visit.

Why is it always assumed that the DIL has some sort of control over their son? I know for me I have no more control over my husband as the I do the weather. He is his own person and can make up his own mind. I have to say that it is really terrible how the DIL always gets the bad rap with MILs. Maybe the MIL is really a pain but doesn't think she is.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Well, if that's the case, then he should have the gumption to tell his mother why he choooses to have a minimal relationship with her,rather than allowing his mother to blame his wife, when the decision is his.

While that is true some (not all) mothers simply will not believe it so why would he bother starting a fight?

 

[wdwfan16]

Ladies, most of us MIL's really are not out to steal your husband back as our little boys. We love them, we raised them to the best of our abilities and now we have sent them out into the world and hope for them to be successful and happy. We love them dearly but really, WE DO NOT WANT THEM BACK!!

If you do not live close to your mil and you and your dh come to visit.your families, its ok if you make time for his family too. Your mil is not "winning" anything by being able to fix a meal for you and your husband. Your mil is not trying to make you feel like you cannot be with your family, she only wants a little time with her son and with you, her daughter. And, please, remember that your mil is human too. She actually does have a life and so does the rest of your husband's family. They are not sitting and waiting to be graced with your presence, so they need to be told what your plans are for the time you are in town. Sometimes they really do have plans that cannot be changed by your whim.

Making it stressful for your husband to visit with his family is not the best thing for your marriage. When and if it comes to an argument over every visit, its going to be you he is angry with not his mother.

I do realize that there are some MIL that came straight from Hades. But, please, don't just assume yours is going to be that way.


Yes, I am having dil issues. I just don't get it. His first wife was the worst thing for him but the best addition to our family (I am glad she is out of his life, but do miss the way she made herself a part of our family). His second wife, wonderful for him but acts like a spoiled brat about everything! Always has to have her way and if she doesn't get it she makes things impossible for everyone else.

Ok, vent over. Smile on my face, ready to see them and spend an enjoyable day with them. (day, as in a few hours. long enough for me to cook dinner and give them their Christmas gifts. she is mad because she planned to spend that day with her family, although when I asked her their plans I was told they were going to spend the night before and that day with us. So now we get them from exactly the time I told we would eat until she manages to convinces him to leave)

Oh, one last thing. Remember that your MIL was once a young wife too. She is not stupid, she knows what you are doing. She also knows her son and she knows when the message is really coming from you and when it is coming from him.

You son maybe fine with the plans. If he is not, then it is his problem to fix. If he is, then you have to accept this until they divorce.

Putting all the blame on the DIL is so wrong. I am sure that her side would put all the blame on you and that too is wrong.

You need to talk to your son and see what you can do to solve this problem.

If she is so good for your son then you may need to accept this for your son's happiness.

 

[Disney Doll]

I just want to say that I love my inlaws and we all get along- but why does it seem that every MIL always assume it is the DIL that makes it hard for visits etc.? Does it ever occur to them that their son really doesn't want to be bothered? Maybe someone makes annoying comments and they don't want to listen to it. Maybe someone has a pet they can't stand. Maybe they simply do not want to visit.

Why is it always assumed that the DIL has some sort of control over their son? I know for me I have no more control over my husband as the I do the weather. He is his own person and can make up his own mind. I have to say that it is really terrible how the DIL always gets the bad rap with MILs. Maybe the MIL is really a pain but doesn't think she is.

You are absolutely right and that's why the soin should speak up to his own mother and tell her why he choooses to not have a close relationship with her. Instead, most sons just let their wife take the fall.

Cowardly if you ask me.

 

[Muushka]

I may have a different slant on the MIL dilemma, not necessarily the OP's problem, but certainly mine:

My husband needs to be begged and cajoled to call his mother. I cannot get the man to go see her. Calling is slightly easier, but still not a picnic. I often wonder if his mother thinks the problem lies with her DIL, but no, it is her son.

 

[MJMouse]

I'm not a MIL, but I am a future-daughter-in-law who is navigating that tricky in-law relationship... trying to integrate into an established family... trying to figure out my place and the kind of relationships I'm going to have with my new family members.... not wanting to step on toes... not wanting to leave out either set of parents or siblings.

(Caveat: I am blessed in the in-law department. I adore my fiance's family. They have been wonderful and welcoming. My MIL is a kind, loving woman who along with her MIL even told my fiance and I that she really hoped that (no pressure) we'd get married one day when we'd been dating about 8 months... she wanted us to know that we had her blessing.)

Now this is not to say that your feelings and impressions are not valid... they are... because they are yours, but it's easy to have misunderstandings between people.

Her view of her actions will most certainly be different than yours and her motives may be way different than you believe. Perspective makes a big difference in how you interpret events. Remember, she may think you don't like her and don't want her there...

 

[jrmasm]

You are absolutely right and that's why the soin should speak up to his own mother and tell her why he choooses to not have a close relationship with her. Instead, most sons just let their wife take the fall.

Cowardly if you ask me.

I don't think you're wrong in your thinking but I also think sometimes men have their heads up their butts and simply don't realize there is an issue to be confronted.

 

[jrmasm]

I may have a different slant on the MIL dilemma, not necessarily the OP's problem, but certainly mine:

My husband needs to be begged and cajoled to call his mother. I cannot get the man to go see her. Calling is slightly easier, but still not a picnic. I often wonder if his mother thinks the problem lies with her DIL, but no, it is her son.

My situation is the same. But I don't beg or cajole my husband to do anything. His mother, his issue.

But I suspect I am blamed.

 

[luvsJack]

Thanks for the hugs everybody!

I think after this visit I will write my dil a letter and let her know how I really do feel about her. I love the fact that she is devoted to my son and I love how she takes care of him and that they are best friends. I love that she took the time to become a sister to my daughter and I love how she instantly accepted my younger son's gf as a sister and how much she loves my darling grandbaby. I think she is a beautiful young girl with a lot of potential for success.

Its not that I don't like this girl. I have to remember that she is very young and can be very child like. And I don't think she is very confident in her relationship with my son (although he adores her).

She has had some real issues with her own family and I think maybe she doesn't know how to relate to us on a "parental" basis. I think I will tell her that we just need to be friends, we can figure out all that family stuff later.

I just hate seeing the stress and hurt on my son's face when he feels apart from his family.

 

[ZachnElli]

Or maybe he doesn't need to stand up to his wife. Maybe he simply isn't that interested in having an involved relationship with his mother. Maybe it really is how he feels?

I hate reading about how the evil wife this, the evil wife that. You have no idea what goes on between the two of them in private so quit assuming.

Exactly!!! Mil's need to learn to be nice to their DIL's from the get go, it is us who remember Mother's Day, birthdays, anniversaries and remind our husbands to call their moms, ask if they've called to check on their mom lately, maybe go for a visit. But when you have a mother in law who attacks everything you do, even gives old girlfriends your phone number, tries to fix your husband (who you have 3 kids with!!) up with another woman, well you stop reminding them they have a mother! Me and my sis-in-law have now left everything up to our husbands (brothers) to remember their mom all by themselves. It's not our fault they don't call, come around, or send cards/gifts/flowers anymore. They are adults, they can do it, we aren't stopping them. We know we aren't liked, so we're done. I do have 2 sons and I will never behave the way she does, she lives to create drama! Why else would she do all this stuff? Sad thing is, I haven't even scratched the surface of her behavior.

 

[Muushka]

Thanks for the hugs everybody!

I think after this visit I will write my dil a letter and let her know how I really do feel about her. I love the fact that she is devoted to my son and I love how she takes care of him and that they are best friends. I love that she took the time to become a sister to my daughter and I love how she instantly accepted my younger son's gf as a sister and how much she loves my darling grandbaby. I think she is a beautiful young girl with a lot of potential for success.

Its not that I don't like this girl. I have to remember that she is very young and can be very child like. And I don't think she is very confident in her relationship with my son (although he adores her).

She has had some real issues with her own family and I think maybe she doesn't know how to relate to us on a "parental" basis. I think I will tell her that we just need to be friends, we can figure out all that family stuff later.

I just hate seeing the stress and hurt on my son's face when he feels apart from his family.

Wow, you are a great person. Best wishes with your relationship with her.

 

[CanBeGrumpy]

Thanks for the hugs everybody!

I think after this visit I will write my dil a letter and let her know how I really do feel about her. I love the fact that she is devoted to my son and I love how she takes care of him and that they are best friends. I love that she took the time to become a sister to my daughter and I love how she instantly accepted my younger son's gf as a sister and how much she loves my darling grandbaby. I think she is a beautiful young girl with a lot of potential for success.

Its not that I don't like this girl. I have to remember that she is very young and can be very child like. And I don't think she is very confident in her relationship with my son (although he adores her).

She has had some real issues with her own family and I think maybe she doesn't know how to relate to us on a "parental" basis. I think I will tell her that we just need to be friends, we can figure out all that family stuff later.

I just hate seeing the stress and hurt on my son's face when he feels apart from his family.

Hi, I don't have time to type out all my thoughts on mothers-in-law, but I CAN tell you that being the 2nd wife is very hard when it comes to family relationships. It is just a very weird position to be in. I'm not saying that necessarily plays a role in what is going on with your DIL, but please know it can be uncomfortable to try to integrate into a family where someone (the first wife) has already "played" your role.

In fact, I get to have the weird experience of being the step-mother at my step daughter's wedding shower this weekend. There aren't any hard feelings or animosity between me and her mother, but it is still going to be very bizarre. I am going for the sake of my step dd, but honestly I would rather just stay home and avoid the weirdness.

I hope you and your DIL can have a great relationship!

 

[Tinkmom75]

I have no problems with my in laws,, however, I do not feel as if I am part of the family and this is after 40 years of marriage. That being said, I am always the one suggesting that we go see them. They only live about 1/2 hour away but DH never wants to go. We see them on holidays and special occasions but not more than that. So sometimes it is not the DL preventing visits.

This is how my DH is. I used to get so torn up about it because I thought the In-laws would blame me. The probably do. Oh well, I can't force my DH to have a good relationship with is Mom.

 

[fortheluvofpooh]

((((((Hugs))))))) You sound like a caring MIL. I love my MIL dearly and we simply can not spend enough time with her. I would love to see her more than we do.