Mental illness issues...please help--UPDATE page 3

[chrissyk]

BECAUSE the change from 'well' to 'sick' is gradual! I have seen it in my own family. For us it is normal- it is hard to see the little changes, the gradual worsening, the little quirks that evolve into major problems over months or years. Let an outsider in and they see our normal as "Whoa, this is really messed up, why don't they do something?"

I agree with you. I look at my SIL and it's like "holy cow! Something's not right!". I've seen her viciously rage both verbally and physically at my MIL, but MIL can't see the very same thing when it's happening. It often takes someone from the outside to point out the true depth of the illness. The family is too close to the situation, and often it's their "normal".

 

[The Mystery Machine]

BECAUSE the change from 'well' to 'sick' is gradual! I have seen it in my own family. For us it is normal- it is hard to see the little changes, the gradual worsening, the little quirks that evolve into major problems over months or years. Let an outsider in and they see our normal as "Whoa, this is really messed up, why don't they do something?"

No it is not. Pretty much with schizophrenia it is like an overnight change. Nothing gradual about it, which is why I think that the family has such a hard time accepting this "stranger" in my "person's body".

DH's family "knew" she was sick. We played on/off meds games, in & out of hospitals under threat of police even, and still they could not accept that their mom had "schizophrenia". It was like the person they knew was "gone". They had to get to "know" this "new" person.

DH's brother still won't "accept it" to this day. He takes care of her and is a good son, so do not get that impression.
My DH FINALLY accepted his mom was schizophrenic, after 20 years. He is able to "like" the new person and even talk to her about it.

I don't know if I made ANY sense to you! LOL!!!! I was wondering if the people you are talking about had schizophrenia. Maybe we can compare notes?

 

[ginna74]

Also they would have to accept that his meds are not working and they need to get him to meds that will work.
The kicker is schizophrenics are notorious for NOT taking their meds, so you are not sure if it isn't working properly or he is not taking it.

this is so true and I can go as far to say that I a lot thought That I was ok and in a good state so I didn't need the meds. To this day I am SOOOOOOO tired of taking all these meds. But I do it for my hubby, my kids, and really for myself.

It is really all up to you. If he is violent then by all means don't subject your kids to him BUT do not make judments on to why he is this way. He has a disease and his parents are blind to it. He may never be properly treated and that is the saddest part of all of this. Your kids will be fine in the end and will hopefully know he has a disease and not make any judgements. He on the other hand will have to live with this deamon of a disease, well unless it finally gets to him and he ends it like so many people with this disease who are untreated or not treated properly. Don't pity him, just understand him and don't judge him (not saying you are). Good luck

 

[chrissyk]

The Mystery Machine, I think I'm correct in saying that diseases like schitzophenia are different than mood-disorder or personality-disorder forms of mental illness. Schitzophrenia is such a difficult mental illness. I really feel for family members of people with this difficult mental illess. It sounds like the changes wrought by this disease aren't always the gradual downslide into mental illness that so many of us have witnessed in our own relatives.

 

[phillybeth]

No it is not. Pretty much with schizophrenia it is like an overnight change.

Not always. And yes, some of my experience is with schizophrenia. It depens on the 'type', but some have gradual onsets, or at least less sudden. Looking back the changes probably started in the early teen years, progressing slowly until the mid-twenties when someone finally recognized that something wasn't quite right. In this case it was more a withdrawl into a semi-catatonic state rather than paranoia or delusional psychoses. And distancing from family is not so uncommon in the teen years (neither is expermenting with drugs and/or alcohol, which in many cases are attempts to self-medicate back to 'normal').

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We had to deal with hallucinating, paranoid, delusional state. NOT FUN! If MIL is not on her meds she is in a severe psychosis.

As far as dh I suppose the kids did know "something" was wrong with mom. Can you believe NO ONE told them! Of course dh's dad left when he was 5 years old with a sick woman. He also has a brother and a sister.

When dh was a teen around 15, I think she stopped taking her meds. Whoa nelly...the conversations I had. It was then we found out she was sick with schizophrenia. They didn't know how bad. Well we found out.

Today she is on that Zyprexa. I am telling YOU! WOW!!! It is also for bi-polar, fyi. Even she loves it! She says it makes her feel normal.

To the OP sorry for hijacking. This topic is near and dear to my heart. I hope things work out for you!

 

[Serena]

I would not put my children at risk.

 

[HappyMommy2]

I am so grateful for all of your responses. Many of you brought up points I hadn't really considered. Thank you for your helpful input. The responses did make me a bit sad, though, as I was half-hoping everyone might tell me I'm overreacting, that I just don't understand the illnesses and should give BIL another chance, etc. You have clarified in my mind that my children do not need to be in that situation. Thank you to those who pointed out that even if the risk of physical harm to my children is very small, emotional harm may already be occurring.

I should have emphasized in my first post that MIL and FIL are very aware of and informed about BIL's illnesses. They have accepted that he is severely mentally ill and are highly involved in his treatments (he receives what seems to be excellent medical and psychiatric care and is closely monitored by a team of experts). MIL and FIL just don't feel that he is capable of physically hurting anyone but himself. That's the one possibility they (and DH) can't accept; maybe as someone suggested they don't understand that it wouldn't be the son/brother they know and love causing harm, but the disease.

As far as medications are concerned, it does sound like his meds aren't working correctly in spite of the perpetual monitoring and tinkering by BIL's doctors. MIL believes BIL does not remember to take his medications as prescribed, which may be the problem. She and FIL feel very helpless regarding this.

Thank you all for listening and responding. I will definitely try to get on the same page with DH regarding this so we can present a unified front to MIL and FIL. I don't want to hurt our dear MIL and FIL--they already have so much pain! But of course our little children have to be thought of first. If anyone has anything else to add please do so; I have really gotten a lot out of the responses.

 

[Serena]

You sound like a really nice person, no wonder your inlaws love you so much. I'm sure they will understand. Could you possibly visit without your children?

 

[ginna74]

you also sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and know what to do. I just have to add something to what you said. I took me years to get to where I am now medicine wise. he may be at a great medical facility and still not getting the exact meds he needs. He doesn't sound very stable either. I have been on many meds before finding out these were perfect for me. This is how it normally works. The docs experimented with me to find out which ones worked. He just might not be on the right ones. At least that is how it sounds to me.

 

[chrissyk]

As far as medications are concerned, it does sound like his meds aren't working correctly in spite of the perpetual monitoring and tinkering by BIL's doctors. MIL believes BIL does not remember to take his medications as prescribed, which may be the problem. She and FIL feel very helpless regarding this.

I may be wrong about this, but I could swear that I read about a type of social worker/home-health-aide that will come to the patient's house and ensure that the are being compliant with the meds. I read about this on www.nami.org somewhere. Do your MIL and FIL have guardianship over BIL? If so, perhaps they could get this type of case-worker ordered for him, so that they'd at least know that he was being compliant with the medication. It's tough to know whether or not to keep tinkering with the meds if you don't know if the person is even taking them correctly.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I took me years to get to where I am now medicine wise. he may be at a great medical facility and still not getting the exact meds he needs. He doesn't sound very stable either. I have been on many meds before finding out these were perfect for me.

I am happy that you have found that. I know how hard it is. My MIL after 20+ years is feeling GREAT as well.

I guess what we are trying to say to you is that even though your BIL is at a "great" facility and they are monitoring him, he may not be compliant with his meds. So this requires a bit of pressure on the parent (or kids) for that matter to be compliant with his meds. Of course that is not your area but if the parents are not making him be more compliant then you should not expose your childrent to that.

We had to threaten MIL with the grandkids because she is completely psychotic off her meds. On her meds she is fine.

Truly you are in a tough spot and I don't blame you for telling the in-laws to keep BIL at home if you visit. They can at the very least do that. If they can't then I wouldn't go or make alternate arrangements like stay at a hotel and have them visit you there. Might be hard for them to hear that.
I hope things turn out for you.

 

[HappyMommy2]

Thanks for the additional comments. It has only been recently that MIL and FIL have believed that BIL is taking the meds improperly (prior to that they had thought the doctors were prescribing incorrectly, and they blamed his recent episodes on the doctors) so I don't think they've looked yet into options for helping BIL take the meds correctly. I will look at that website, chrissyk, and see if that offers any possibilities that I could gently bring up with MIL.

Goodness knows that when I have strep throat or whatever I can hardly remember to take my antibiotics properly; I don't know how BIL could remember his multitude of various medications and dosages!

Thanks again.

 

[chrissyk]

Thanks for the additional comments. It has only been recently that MIL and FIL have believed that BIL is taking the meds improperly (prior to that they had thought the doctors were prescribing incorrectly, and they blamed his recent episodes on the doctors) so I don't think they've looked yet into options for helping BIL take the meds correctly. I will look at that website, chrissyk, and see if that offers any possibilities that I could gently bring up with MIL.

Goodness knows that when I have strep throat or whatever I can hardly remember to take my antibiotics properly; I don't know how BIL could remember his multitude of various medications and dosages!

Thanks again.

I **think** that I read about that medication compliance aide thing on the "my parent is a consumer" board, under a thread on guardianship. If you can't find it, call your local NAMI chapter and ask them about it. They can probably steer you in the right direction. My local NAMI chapter was very helpful in instructing us about how to protect ourselves while my untreated mentally-ill SIL was fixated on my DH. They really know the ins and outs of the resources available for mentally-ill people and their loved ones. Also, they can probably recommend a family-to-family class for your MIL and FIL. If you truly feel that they are in danger because they can't accept BIL's potential for violence, then maybe a family-to-family class would do them a world of good

 

[HappyMommy2]

Thanks so much chrissyk. I did not know that type of help is available. Sounds like something we really need to look into.

 

[Bichon Barb]

I wish I had an answer for you.

My brother, who died of a heart attack in 2001, was a paranoid schizophrenic. It's a horrible disease. He didn't want to stay on his medication (which is common with schizophrenics). My parents didn't want him institutionalized and did everything for him.

Although his behavior was usually pretty off the wall, he never was physically violent. Sure he'd he have outbursts of yelling--he never raised a fist to anyone. When he first started showing symptoms of the disease, he was drinking heavily. One night he injured himself pretty badly when drunk. After that he joined AA and thankfully never took another drink.

I know mental illness is pretty scary, but I don't think the answer is to separate yourself completely from your in laws. They are your family--for better or for worse. I'm sure they need your husband for moral support.

Maybe the middle ground is to speak to you in laws about getting your BIL on some new meds before you visit? Either way, I hope it helps to know that there are others who understand what you are going through.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I was thinking of something to look into-

Do you think BIL was delusional about going to the shooting range? Does he function enough that he actually can go to one? Bragging about it is concerning. I would ask DH to look into it! Get his parents to find out which shooting range he went to (gently, off handedly). If he has, hopefully your inlaws and the doctors can find a way to close that avenue! (*edited to add-closing that avenue may be tricky. They wouldn't want him to know they had a hand in it ofcourse. It might upset the apple cart. I'm sure they would know that.)

Bragging about going to the shooting range is disturbing coming from someone unstable!

Good luck!

 

[HappyMommy2]

UPDATE--dug up my old thread to re-read the advice!!
Well, here we are 7-8 months later. We ended up finding an excuse to not visit over spring break. Summer vacation has come and gone and we haven't visited the ILs, and MIL called today, clearly hinting that we are overdue for a visit (which we are), and for some reason my stupid mouth had to go and tell her that we probably can't visit again as long as DBIL is not stable (he is doing semi-allright right now, heavily medicated). Up till now I have just said we're too busy to visit, airfares too expensive right now, and so on. WHY did I have to tell her it's mostly about DBIL? She was upset and cried and I feel just rotten. She has gone through so much, taking care of DBIL. I am crying too now! Why didn't I just keep making excuses for not visiting?
I told her we would re-assess the situation close to Christmastime but that didn't help matters.

Anyhow, I am all anxious and sad now so I thought it would make me feel better to re-read this thread and post again. Thanks for listening.

 

[mrsv98]

As hard as it is for your DMIL, your boys have to come first. Listen to your instincts and keep them away from DBIL until you feel the situation is more stable. Sorry it is so hard.

 

[copper68]

sooo sorry you're having to go through this.. it is a very hard situation.. but, i understand your view clearly.. you can't put your kids in harms way.. and from what i understand i don't believe your dh would be able to fend off your dbil.. if your dbil was set in doing something he would get it done.. people with mental illness aren't stupid.. if they want something, they make it happen..

i'm sorry i really don't have any advice for you.. just prayers and pd..