Men's Dictionary

[missy28]

Ok, I am a 30 year old single, professional woman... and to all of you married women out there, God Bless you because the dating scene is MISERABLE... This is what I'm going to start requiring of the men I date:

Please define the following terms:
I will call you...
1) Tuesday (does this mean THIS Tuesday, next Tuesday or a Tuesday to be determined in the future?)
2) Right Back (does this mean 'as soon as I hang up with whoever' or whenever I get around to it?)
3)Later (now this is my favorite, b/c just by sheer definition it gives them some wiggle room, but does it mean later TODAY, later tomorrow, or later NEVER?)

Why is it that men have their own timeline and don't seem to be concerned about their word choice when it comes to women? Don't they realize that we take what they say literally?

Anyone other single women out there that feel like I do? It's enough to make we want to become the crazy cat lady on the end of the street...

 

[browneyes]

I'm not single and my SO still has that timeline he had when we were dating, it's just not necessarily related to phone calls now.

 

[CheshireVal]

I just had a fight with my boyfriend about this very thing last week. He said "I'll call you later," which I took to mean as he'd call me later that day.

Instead, he waited til the next night.

Boy was I mad.

 

[WDWHound]

Originally posted by missy28
Why is it that men have their own timeline and don't seem to be concerned about their word choice when it comes to women? Don't they realize that we take what they say literally?

Why is it Women seem to have their own timeline and seem to grow very upset if a man's word choice means something different to them than it does to him? Don't they realize that we don't always intend to be taken literally.

CheshireVal: I got in trouble for this exact same thing when I was dating. The problem was that "later" to me meant just that, later. Not later today of later this week, just later. I used that word when I didn't know the exact timeframe in which the event would take place.

Of course guys need to try to take into account how women interpret the words we say before we speak, but women also need to take into account how men tend to use words when listening and not assume we use the same rules you do. Trust me, we sometimes find the rules women use in conversation just as baffling

There is a great book on this topic that has really helped me avoid these types of misunderstandings. Its called "That's Not What I Meant" by Deborah Tannen. It talks about the different communication style of men and women and also the different style used based on your upbringing.

 

[missy28]

In the "later" debate, it seems as though you men could just ADD the words.. later TODAY, later TOMORROW, something like that to clear it up...

I mean you know women are sensitive to this, all it takes is clarification.... I wouldn't get so frustrated if men just said what they mean instead of making me figure it all out... they expect me to do it, so why shouldn't they have to?

 

[WDWHound]

Originally posted by missy28
In the "later" debate, it seems as though you men could just ADD the words.. later TODAY, later TOMORROW, something like that to clear it up...

My problem was that I wouldn't know if it would be today, or tomorrow. I just knew it would be later. I thought that was clearly what I said, but that was not clear when it was heard.

To be clear, I do recognize that people sometimes do this because they don't like to be pinned down on a time and that this is rude if it happens a lot. However, I can tell you from expereince that it was very common when I was dating for me to say something and have my meaning completely misinterpretted by the woman I was speaking to. It wasn't either of our faults, but it was very annoying. This is really common in dating because the emotional investment is high, but the people talking have not yet found a set of common converstaional rules that work for them.

 

[BillSears]

Just wanted to chime in as a guy.

To me saying I will call you Tuesday means I will call you Tuesday. The very next Tuesday on the calendar.

If I say I will call you right back. That means I will call you back as soon as I can. If I'm busy with something you should expect me to call back when I'm done with it provided nothing else gets in the way. If an emergency meeting at work is called or such then I'll call back as soon as I'm free. On the other hand if I say "I will call you back" then that means sometime, usually today.

Later, well that's an odd one. Later as in Cya Later? Cya Later means we have plans and I'll see you during them. So I'll call you later almost sounds as if you have a pre arranged time to talk. I don't think I use the term Later for calling but if I did I suspect it meant I would call you later that day.

But I'm a terrible example for the dating scene even though I'm single. I'm not currently dating and even when I was I didn't date many ladies. So my style is probably different then most guys who are out in the "dating" scene.

 

[WDWHound]

I do agree that "Tuesday" would mean the next occurance of Tuesday, and that "right back" means as soon as the next activty is finished along with an implication that this should be fairly soon. But for me, later means later. If I know a timeframe, I'll specify it, if not, I just say later.

 

[missy28]

Where are all the men like you two? See... all I want is a little clarification and honesty... I am too old to play the games it seems these men want to play....

 

[browneyes]

Originally posted by missy28
Where are all the men like you two?

Definately not in Georgia.

 

[mainewmn]

I guess I just never paid attention when someone said that to me. If I had somenithing better to do then I do it. If you missed me becasuse you procrastinated to call me oh well its your loss. My DH said it drove him crazy…. Crazy enough to propose 3 times to me.

 

[Maleficent13]

My former SO used to call this behavior "Interpersonal communication". He used to say that you had to watch the person as they were speaking, and also use what you knew about them to interpret the "later". Most of the time, when he says "Call you later", without specifying a time, it means that you really just aren't a priority. Therefore, he'll get around to you "later", ie when he's done playing video games and fixing his radio and identifying what the mystery meat is in his fridge.

In my experience I've found that it isn't interpreting what they say that's important; it's interpreting what they do. If he wants to call you, he will, regardless of when or if he said he would. If a guy's into you, it won't matter how you interpret what he says, because he'll show you you're important in other ways.

 

[DSNY FN]

My favourite saying is in awhile I use this all the time and to me it could mean today or tomorrow or whenever I get around to it.

 

[missy28]

I'm a prosecutor, so my livelihood depends on being able to read people's communication signs-- verbal and non-verbal... But COME ON! I mean, why don't guys just have the cahunas to TELL to get lost instead of dragging it out... grow some b**** people... really.

 

[Maleficent13]

I mean, why don't guys just have the cahunas to TELL to get lost instead of dragging it out... grow some b**** people... really.

I know we women complain that men don't communicate, but sometimes it isn't all that easy to tell someone to get lost, whether you're a man or a woman. I agree if you've only gone out a time or two, you should be able to say, "you know, this isn't working out". But if you've been going out for more than a month or two, it gets a lot harder. Exponentially so the more time has passed. I admit I stayed in a marriage a year longer than I should have because I couldn't say the words...and letting someone down hasn't gotten any easier since.

 

[missy28]

I'm certainly not talking about a long term committed relationship. I'm talking about the 1 or 2 date type situations where you get the "I'll call you later" bit and you just want to throttle them because you know they are full of it... BUT then there are the traditional women's roles that occassionally preclude a woman from confronting the guy and saying, Ok what gives? Because most times, if you do that, and the guy really IS busy and not blowing you off, you come off as a pyscho freak and he runs-- fast.

 

[DSNY FN]

My wife must have pulled her hair out when we were dating I would tell her I will call you later but latrer usually ended up being a couple days later. I was bad for getting tied up with things like hanging out with my cousin and playing hockey and riding my motorcycle. I loved her but still needed lots of free time with my friends still do just the way I am I guess. Another good one was I will see ya after or something to that effect.

 

[DJBounce]

Originally posted by missy28
Ok, I am a 30 year old single, professional woman... and to all of you married women out there, God Bless you because the dating scene is MISERABLE... This is what I'm going to start requiring of the men I date:

Please define the following terms:
I will call you...
1) Tuesday (does this mean THIS Tuesday, next Tuesday or a Tuesday to be determined in the future?)
2) Right Back (does this mean 'as soon as I hang up with whoever' or whenever I get around to it?)

Being a male and an amateur historian, let me help with the original meaning behind these phrases.
First off : Tuesday
In ancient Mesopotamian Maleian dialect "Tues" means some, so to us males "Tuesday" means "Someday"
Secondly: Right back
The Huns of Bavaria (kind of like the ones in the beginning of the movie "Gladiator") began the term as Reicht Bock. Loosely translated this means "After three lunar cycles" or three months.

I hope this helps.

And yes, my tongue is in my cheek.

 

[Micca]

Although I've been married a loooonnng time, I don't ever remember not giving a fairly specific idea of what I was up to.
Call you right back=5-10 minutes. If I can't do that, I would call 5-10 minutes later and say I can't talk now, but as soon as I can I call again...it will be by 4. I figure it gives both parties a window to work with. When I want/need something from someone I appreciate similar treatment