Men: Help me understand how to better communicate with DH

[OhhBother]

OP, I think some of the confusion on the board is coming from the fact that people in more urban areas don't understand that mailmen in rural areas will sometimes bring a package to your home -- even if it has a different office address on it -- as a courtesy because he knows you.

Our FedEx guy does this. Anything that's got our home address on it ends up at my husband's business -- simply because the FedEx guy knows my husband will be there, whereas no one will be at the house during the day.

As for your original question, I think it's a case of your husband telling you what he thought you were asking instead of hearing the actual question. I don't think either one of you was trying to be difficult or was out to "get" each other.

 

[wvjules]

Why do the women of the DIS think men are dimwits or use that 'logic' to excuse them from certain behaviors?

 

[DMass]

We have an office and about 1 mile away is the house. By saying we had the same set up, I meant that at the office and at the house, we have both a storm door and a regular door, so his answer (I found it in between the storm and the door) didn't answer my question; it cuold have been either place.

I assumed that the office was either connected or next to the house.

 

[tlbwriter]

And, again, I say, so what, who cares, this is something to put this kind of effort into?????

Look at this thread so far....

The husband may be the type of man who just doesn't get off on this kind of drama over meaningless minutia.
I think I agree with one prev. poster who said that there may be more going on here than the package.

Drama? Asking a question is drama? Seems like he would have avoided the drama by simply answering the question she asked. Which suggests, to me, that he didn't understand or "hear" what she was asking.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I don't have a good answer. Either he didn't understand your question, or felt like you shouldn't need to ask because the answer is "it was delivered wherever the address on the box said". Was he busy at the time? Mad at your for some other reason you might not even know?

The thing is, his answer might be wrong, though, since your husband doesn't understand WHY you are asking. Maybe he has never noticed the mailman send items to the house addressed for the office. You probably should have been more clear as to WHY you were asking him where it was delivered to.

 

[brerrabbit]

Let me preface this by saying I love my wife very much and we have been married for going on 29 years. But, we do speak a seperate language at times. Part of it is men's defensive nature. Men tend to be very direct in their conversations with each other but when Men and Women talk (and this is from personally observed behavior and not meant to generalize) Women tend to talk around issues, and ask leading questions. The tend to use the trap and catch method. Ask a generally vague question and based on the answer pounce. Now in the given example I don't support the husband. From the explaination the husband seems to work in the same office and the mail delivery issue should be apparent to him so the question should have been very straight forward. However by nature men tend to raise their defensive shields quite often and that leads to a lot of misunderstanding.

 

[need2cruise]

Dh and I do speak a different language too. I've learned to be precise and direct when I want something or need an answer.

I'll admit, hinting does NOT work! lol I've hinted before that stuff needs done around the house, and he does "stuff". But then it's not the "stuff" I had in mind. His response was always, then tell me exactly what "stuff" you want done and it'll be done. That was when I realized I needed to just be direct and to the point on everything. Yes, it can be time consuming to say it all out when I think he should "know" what I'm saying. But in all honesty, if I can't be direct with what I want or with what I'm saying, then I can't be upset if he doesn't understand.

Now, what DOES drive me nuts is when we are in the middle of a conversation, like we are talking about a car for example, and I'll say, I think red would be a better color for it. He will say, what are you talking about? I will say, the car--what we are in the middle of talking about. He will respond, oh, well you should say that the car would be better in red, I had not clue what you were talking about. I guess I randomly start talking about something off the wall in the middle of a conversation?

 

[AndyLL]

AndyLL: So if your wife or significant other asks you what you think is a "dumb" question, you don't feel the need to answer that question?

I answer to the best of my ability what I think she asked which it sounds like your husband did.

I notice you still haven't even entertained the notion that you asked a lousy question. ( which resulted in a lousy answer)

As a PP said this nitpicking and attempt direct blame and gather people to 'your side' is indicative of problems outside this incident.

I really doubt you will find answers on a public forum if that is the case.

Andy

 

[Heidict]

I think the way you asked the question confused him. Men process info differently them women. A rewording of the question, or more detail into why you were asking, probably would have resulted in a better response.

I love how people are basically saying that there just has to be problems in your marriage because you and your husband where on different pages when it came to the question. I think people are reading way to much into this.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't see anyone saying that there is a lousy marriage....
But, hey, communication is a huge part of any marriage/relationship.
And, based on what we are reading from the OP, I don't think it is completely unfounded to wonder if there are some issues there.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Let me preface this by saying I love my wife very much and we have been married for going on 29 years. But, we do speak a seperate language at times. Part of it is men's defensive nature. Men tend to be very direct in their conversations with each other but when Men and Women talk (and this is from personally observed behavior and not meant to generalize) Women tend to talk around issues, and ask leading questions. The tend to use the trap and catch method. Ask a generally vague question and based on the answer pounce. Now in the given example I don't support the husband. From the explaination the husband seems to work in the same office and the mail delivery issue should be apparent to him so the question should have been very straight forward. However by nature men tend to raise their defensive shields quite often and that leads to a lot of misunderstanding.

Agreed. I watched my mother use this method on my father while growing up and I see my friends and co-workers doing the same thing now. It's distasteful to me and I've sworn I'd never do that to someone I love. And I don't and won't.

If he doesn't 'get' a question I've asked, or if we get into a game of 20 questions, I'll stop it right there and come right out and say point blank: "The gas tank on the car is empty. Do you want to fill it or should I take it out now and gas it up?" rather than asking him if he stopped at the gas station or why didn't he stop at the gas station? The point is - there's no gas in the car. It's not a reason for an argument which turns into a vent on the DIS unless I'm the one spoiling for an argument that I can turn into a vent on the DIS (or to my friends and family).

It takes two to fight and, guess what? Neither one is right when that happens.

I answer to the best of my ability what I think she asked which it sounds like your husband did.

I notice you still haven't even entertained the notion that you asked a lousy question. ( which resulted in a lousy answer)

As a PP said this nitpicking and attempt direct blame and gather people to 'your side' is indicative of problems outside this incident.
I really doubt you will find answers on a public forum if that is the case.

Andy

That's how I feel as well.

 

[IndianaMouse]

I think a grown man, or most children for that matter could easily understand the OPs question, without having it spelled out for them. Seriously, some of you have a very poor opinion of men and their intelligence.

OP, In situations like yours I've found that my husband just has a lot on his mind and isn't focused on what I'm saying. He hears the jist of the question but answers before it sinks in. Instead of repeating myself I just say " that's not what I asked" or something similiar. Then he'll focus on the question and give me a direct answer. Same thing for me when I don't give him direct answers. It may sound rude in writing but it really isn't, it's all in how you say it.

 

[dsanner106]

You know that feeling you get when you are taking a final exam at school and the question seems easy...... too easy..... what is the teacher REALLY asking here? Obviously this is a trick question and the simple answer is probably wrong.......

These are the thougts going through my mind reading the question as you worded it. Previous posters are correct, just say" Wow, did the postman bring this package to the house? I will have to thank him in the morning." No hidden ****y traps here, so he will say "nope, I brought it home for you" and you can thank him. Just give the necessary info for him to make a clear response and he probably will

Drew in Ga

 

[3 MEN AND A BOAT]

to me him stating that it was between the doors indicates that it was delivered to the house and the conversation should have ended. even though you have a storm door and regular door at the office, that is a different location from were you currently were and therefore would require him stating as such.

when i hear between the doors i automatically assume the same building i am at.

 

[Wishing on a star]

These are the thougts going through my mind reading the question as you worded it. Previous posters are correct, just say" Wow, did the postman bring this package to the house? I will have to thank him in the morning." No hidden ****y traps here, so he will say "nope, I brought it home for you" and you can thank him. Just give the necessary info for him to make a clear response and he probably will

Drew in Ga

I agree.....
One can make one of three assumptions here.

a. Men are complete neanderthal idiots, and he could not understand a so-called 'simple' question.
I would not assume that at all....
b. He really was not focused and hearing all of what his wife asked... and probably could not have cared any less.
Which I believe could be very highly possible.... men and children do become 'mama deaf' to a woman's constant verbal direction and nit-picking....
or
c. This is the loaded 'trick' question, and the woman is ready to pounce...
ie. if it was delivered, as addressed, to the office, why in the heck would you be stupid enough to bring it here, instead of leaving it where it belongs... pointing out, yet again, 'look what you did wrong this time..."

After reading the original post and additional comments...
I am still going with C.
I believe I see a real defensive (I will neither confirm nor deny) aspect to the husbands answers.
I think that that when the OP came here and posted this thread, over complete minutia, a non-event... That she was hoping for a "Yes, you are right... You husband, like most men, are sorely lacking, and you are completely justified and share no responsibility.

 

[allison443]

Why do the women of the DIS think men are dimwits or use that 'logic' to excuse them from certain behaviors?

I do see that a lot on the dis...
go read the thread where the school secretary "praises" dads who come to the office and actually know their child's grade/teacher, and tells them their wives would be proud of them. I mean, really?

 

[NMAmy]

Why do the women of the DIS think men are dimwits or use that 'logic' to excuse them from certain behaviors?

Well, not all the women of the DIS think that way. I'm pretty grateful for DH after reading threads like these. We communicate in pretty much the same way--we tell each other what we're thinking and answer questions without worrying that the other one has a secret agenda or making each other drag information out.

 

[cruisnfamily]

"Did you bring the package home from the office or did the postman deliever it here at home?"

That's the question you needed to ask.

If it was delievered to the office and he brought it home it was a dumb question you asked because it was addressed to the office.

If it was delievered to the home it still might have seemed like a dumb question because it is likely he didn't look at the address of where it was addressed. ( why would he? )

Since I would have assumed the postman would have delieved it to where it was addressed (it's illegal for them not to) I would have wondered what game you were playing since you could've just looked at the address if you wanted to know where it was delievered too.

Andy

This!!!

 

[dennis99ss]

first off, my first thought is who cares, and why is it important. so what if the postman brought the package.

but, this qoute, i agree with

Well, if you and your DH were me and my DH, you would have been trying in some way to suggest that the package should have stayed in the office, where it was obviously delivered because the address said "office." and DH messed up by bringing it to the house.

My DH always thinks I'm out to get him when I ask a question that doesn't make sense to him. I have to backtrack and explain my actual thought process.

And, this one to

Let me preface this by saying I love my wife very much and we have been married for going on 29 years. But, we do speak a seperate language at times. Part of it is men's defensive nature. Men tend to be very direct in their conversations with each other but when Men and Women talk (and this is from personally observed behavior and not meant to generalize) Women tend to talk around issues, and ask leading questions. The tend to use the trap and catch method. Ask a generally vague question and based on the answer pounce. Now in the given example I don't support the husband. From the explaination the husband seems to work in the same office and the mail delivery issue should be apparent to him so the question should have been very straight forward. However by nature men tend to raise their defensive shields quite often and that leads to a lot of misunderstanding.

So, with the initial thought of who cares, it doesn't mean anything, my second thought is, ok, what did I do now. Try to do something nice and then get called down for it.

 

[sbell111]

Why should I thank my husband for bringing me the package, when he didn't?

Mostly because odds are that the postman actually did his job and delivered the package to the correct address. (Failing to do his job and delivering a package to the incorrect address is not worthy of praise, BTW.) As a bonus, if your husband didn't bring it from the office, he likely would have told you at this point and answered your burning question.

He picked it up from the floor in front of the door, and lifted it three feet to the table by the door. Should I be getting kudos everytime I bring the mail in from the front door?

Perhaps not, but what's the harm in occasionally thanking someone for doing such a mundane task?

Why do the women of the DIS think men are dimwits or use that 'logic' to excuse them from certain behaviors?

The surprising thing is that the usual suspects haven't yet advised her to drain the bank accounts and consult a divorce attorney.