Men and communication-small vent

[honeywolf7]

I'm not trying to male bash, but why is it that guys are sometimes so bad at communicating? I finally found out today from Roger that the reason that he has at times not shown up when he said he would or not had the time for me that I'd like him to have is that he was busy with his children. I would have been totally understanding if he had have told me at the time that something came up with the kids but he never gave me a reason. He left me considering the possibility that maybe his treating me like he really liked me when we were together and being affectionate and sweet was an act and that he wasn't really interested. Because of that, he almost lost me on at least two occasions when other guys expressed interest (basically, my thinking was "well if Roger's going to stand me up then he's not truly interested in me and this guy is so Roger can go jump in a lake." Luckily, I stopped short of going out with anyone else except when he and I were on a short break from our relationship.) I didn't say anything when he told me today that a lot of times when he doesn't make it when he says he will, it's because of the kids but I'm thinking of telling him tomorrow exactly how he has made me feel in the past and how close he came to losing me.

 

[mrsapalm]

In my experience, I've seen that there is a "lack of communication" when the guy wants to avoid what he thinks will be a woman's reaction to something, but he is failing to see the bigger picture... that by witholding info he is creating a much bigger problem out of what potentially would have been no problem at all. I think women in general have a much bigger perspective on things than men do, but I know that's not the case for every man and woman.
-MrsAPalm

 

[honeywolf7]

Exactly....by not telling me what the "problem" was, he was allowing my imagination to run wild about what the PROBLEM was.

 

[RoutemanDan]

I have a bridge for sale if you are interested.

 

[honeywolf7]

RMD, there's actually a good reason that I believe him....One of his children answered the phone in his shop this morning and I started questioning him after that (and found out that he has his kids every weekend-thus the reason that he sometimes doesn't show up on weekends when he can't get a babysitter and has had them for the past few days since they got out of school-the reason that he didn't have much time to see me last week....the only thing that REALLY bothers me is the fact that he doesn't call sometimes when he isn't going to show up and then I end up worrying.)

 

[Bumbles]

I say kudos to a man who's good to his kids....gotta love parents who don't forget they're parents..even when a new love is in the pic

Sounds like a good guy..just get him to open up a little more

 

[ahutton]

I would just say be cautious about how close he came to you moving on. I have learned over many years that men can be just as insecure about relationships lasting, and by putting that suggestion out there it may be made worse in the long run. Everyone wants to know they are cared about and important, and by using the "you made me" words in discussions like this it makes people defensive which closes more doors than it opens. Best of luck in reaching your desired outcome.

 

[honeywolf7]

Bumbles, he's definitely an awesome father and helps me realize the mistakes that I make as a mother at times (and when he corrects me, it's in a loving, constructive way and I 99% of the time listen to what he has to say.) Ahutton, I know all about using "I" statements rather than "you" statements in talking about a relationship....but thanks for the advice

 

[SilverLily]

Considering that you hate it when he doesn't communicate well with you, shouldn't you communicate with him and tell him about how you feel, how he almost lost you, etc.?

Or you could both continue to not communicate and watch the relationship die.

 

[Jenzebelle]

Note: this is not a man bash- just my personal experiences .

Men don't think the same way women do. I know my DH, Father, Grandfather, friends, brother. etc.. don't at all think about calling home to say they will be late. Even if you have set plans for say dinner or a movie.
We were just laughing at this over Christmas.

But then you also don't want to be a doormat to the point where he thinks he can call you when he wants and shows up when he feels like it.
I would calmly explain how you feel about it, and ask him to please try to call when he's going to be late or not come over so you can make other plans.

 

[jfulcer]

Ok, this is a MAN's point of view cause I've been in the SAME situation...

Originally posted by honeywolf7
I finally found out today from Roger that the reason that he has at times not shown up when he said he would or not had the time for me that I'd like him to have is that he was busy with his children. I would have been totally understanding if he had have told me at the time that something came up with the kids but he never gave me a reason.

Maybe he was AFRAID to call you because of what you would say when he said he didn't have the time for you, even if it was to spend time with his kids. All it takes for us guys to get the guilt trip once or twice about NOT doing something with someone or canceling out before we become skittish about having to do it a third or fourth time, even if it is for 100% the right reasons. Again, I'm not trying to point fingers or judge, but I can see myself in this situation, and not communicating cause I was afraid of the answer.

I'm thinking of telling him tomorrow exactly how he has made me feel in the past and how close he came to losing me.

Ok, just a man's perspective here again, but you'd make him look like more of a fool if you say how close he came to loosing you instead of just getting the communication problem resolved and going no further. Us guys all know we're a couple steps from being kicked to the curb, it doesn't feel good to know the foot was <i>almost</i> on our behinds.


Just IMHO

 

[DonnaS]

Originally posted by mrsapalm
In my experience, I've seen that there is a "lack of communication" when the guy wants to avoid what he thinks will be a woman's reaction to something, but he is failing to see the bigger picture... that by witholding info he is creating a much bigger problem out of what potentially would have been no problem at all. I think women in general have a much bigger perspective on things than men do, but I know that's not the case for every man and woman.
-MrsAPalm

Exactly! This is undoubtedly why DH never told me that his mother was sleeping over on Christmas Eve.

 

[shortbun]

You're expecting to be able to clearly communicate?
LOL
I do wonder though about a man who hasn't told
you he has his kids every weekend-you've been
seeing him how long?
Don't expect his personality to change-he will
always hold out on you if this is the pattern he
has set by now. Don't you wish it was kosher
to talk to the ex-wife about men? IMHO it would
make clear up front what you could expect. Would
save lots of divorces and early relationship arguments
too.
My husband is the most wonderful and helpful guy in
the world BUT...he lives on an emotional island. I know
him well enough by now that I don't even want to visit
that island; I'm just glad when he comes into my world
and visits me. I've heard it described as a cave by some.
A cave is easier to get into and find....an island takes
a real effort and creates an effective solitude. He can
have it. I love my world and welcome him anytime.
You may have found that kind of man. Don't expect to
change him. You get what you get and you don't pitch
a fit.
Good luck.

 

[preshi]

I do wonder though about a man who hasn't told you he has his kids every weekend-you've been
seeing him how long?

I was coming here to post the exact same thing shortbun... makes me wonder!

 

[Serena]

Communicating is one of the major problems with my marriage. We weren't, at all.

Jeff, that's what he said a couple times. He would be so afraid of my reaction that he wouldn't say anything at all. He hates disagreements. So he wouldn't tell me anything or he learned to lie.
It was much easier for him to do what he wanted and put up with my anger afterwards than to be honest with me ahead of time.
At the end there was more angry silence than anything.

 

[EROS]

Honeywolf, you're giving him too much slack. I'm glad that he's a good father, but he has the same obligation to be a considerate companion for you. If he's to be late, there is NO EXCUSE for the lack of a simple call. I WOULDN'T tell him that he has almost lost you, but I WOULD emphasize that you simply expect common courtesy.............

 

[Serena]

Yes, what he said. /\

 

[goofygirl]

If you have no problem playing second fiddle to his kids, ok. Its good for his kids that they come first, but bad for you, since you'll always be second.

This is why I refused to date any guys with kids. I dont like being "second"!

But if you're ok with it, then fine.

As for communication, well, men just do not communicate like women do. Thats just the way they are, there's nothing much you can do, except say things like "You can tell me ANYTHING, I will always be here for you." Maybe he will open up more if you gently "nudge" him, but do not be confrontational.

 

[WillyJ]

Now look Bekki. . why do people date?

You do it to see if someone you are attracted to is someone you really want to have a relationship with. . .

My adivice is to let the guy know what you want and need out of a relationship, and then all you can do is see if he is the sort of person who can fulfill those needs in a natural way. . i.e. it's something that's a part of his personality rather then a big struggle he's doing just to hook you. . .

If you expect complete honesty from him, then I'd hope that's what you give him. . if you expect that but aren't willing to give it in return, then you're fighting a losing battle anyway. . .

And remember; true love should bring you peace of mind- there will always be a little mystery and conflict, but if you are constantly unsure and upset, then it's infactuation and you'd do better to find someone more suited to your needs. .

Good luck sweetie. . . and don't sell yourself out. . .

 

[JohnTBap]

I'm not understanding. Is he late sometimes or does he NOT show up at ALL sometimes? I think that there is a big difference.

DH was late for our first date. He was getting a ticket. Yeah, we get lots of tickets.