"May my wife accompany me?"

[donald...really]

I have a question I was hoping you guys might be able to help me with. I am throwing a big surprise graduation party for my husband who is getting his doctorate this spring. In addition to inviting friends and family I also invited coworkers of his from all of his past jobs, and his present job. About 45 coworkers were invited. In all I am expecting about 100 people. I did not include significant others of the coworkers, unless he was friends with both people. I did this mainly because the function hall can't accommodate many more people (120 limit). Plus, it is costing me $30 per person, and if the 45 coworkers turned into 90 coworkers I couldn't afford it! Was that rude of me?

Coworkers are now beginning to ask if they can bring guests. I'm afraid if I say "No" to the people who ask, they won't bring guests. I know there will be some people there who won't ask but will still bring guests and that wouldn't be fair to the people who asked. Plus, I hate to just say "No." Or should I tell people that I would need to wait and see how many people RSVP because we are almost at the room limit? But that seems awkward and complicated.

Not sure what to do. Any suggestions?

 

[Poohlovr]

Well, let's just say that if I were a former or current co-worker whose spouse was not invited, I would send my regrets.

 

[jamimb]

I think it was kinda tacky of you to invite co-workers and not assume they would wish to bring their spouses in the 1st place. I think you may have gotten yourself into a bit of a pickle!

 

[cheermom1]

I think I would have had the party at a place I could afford that many people or not invite the coworkers. Sorry but I know my dh and he wouldn't be going without me. I would him to go but he wouldn't. how would you feel if your dh was invited to this type of party and your wasn't?

 

[PixieTopaz]

I'd have something SIMPLER and less expensive-like an open house with nibbles and drinks at your house and not limit the guests.

 

[Imzadi]

Maybe change the menu to a simpler buffet of hors d'œuvres, drinks and dessert pastries? It sounds like these people would come if they can bring their spouses.

 

[My sister's princess]

I think what you are doing is very sweet. If the co-worker really loves your DH then they will be there, even without their spouse if you tell them that limits on how many people you can invite. If you have invited a bunch of coworkers then it isn't like they will be alone with no one they know.
If they choose not to attend over something like that, then take it with a grain of salt, and don't worry if you or DH is unable to make it to an event in their lives.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I think you'll be okay. Both dh and I have been invited to things in which only a group of coworkers were invited, no spouses. The coworkers just hung out together, not at all a big deal. For those people that can't spend a couple hours without their spouse by their side, they can just stay home.

 

[Alphabetsoup]

I regularly go to parties without my hubby because I am part of the staff and they are usually staff functions. Any social functions I have been invited to (birthday parties, baby showers, etc...) have always included my spouse or a guest.

As a guest if I was invited to a graduation party (and as someone how recently graduated with a PhD I do get the whole significance of it) and my spouse wasn't included, unless I was REALLLLLY good friends with the person, I would send my regrets and not go.

That said, inviting past co-workers is kind of odd to me. Were they really close to your hubby? Did they care about his studies? I have to say the only past colleagues I had that cared when I finished were my teaching peers at one my first teaching university -- people I worked with in other fields didn't understand any of the fuss (and all I did was send out graduation announcements....not invite them to a party).

As to what to tell people...at this point your best bet is probably to tell the truth -- the room is too small and you didn't budget for people to bring their spouses. If I asked whether I could bring my spouse and you told me the room was too small, then I got there and saw that other people brought their spouses, I would be seriously offended.

 

[brittsmum1998]

I wouldn't go to a party like that w/out DH and he has not attended parties at work due to the fact that spouses were NOT invited.

Now if I wanted to go w/out him that would be a diff story

 

[chloelovesdisney]

OP, it's nice of you to throw your dh the party. There will be some that won't come without their spouse, but if some former coworkers don't show it's not the end of the world. I don't care if my dh goes to something without me once in a while, it's not that exciting to spend an evening with a whole bunch of lawyers. It gives me a chance to go out with the girls or spend a nice evening at home, just me and a bubble bath.

I'm afraid you are going to get lots of negative reactions for this here, but you know you did what you thought was best and that's all you can do. Don't let a handful of people that may not come take away from your enjoyment of the party.

 

[mking624]

If this was a staff function, then coworkers not being allowed to bring guests makes sense. But with this being a social function that has nothing to do with a work celebration but rather a personal one, then I personally wouldn't feel comfortable if my DH or I were told that we can't bring a guest. That doesn't mean that I'd definitely attend with my DH or vice versa, but we'd likely send our regrets if some kind of restriction was imposed like that when it's not a work related thing. It's not about us not being able to be apart from each other or that we don't care about the coworker...just a matter of courtesy in our eyes.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

I have a question I was hoping you guys might be able to help me with. I am throwing a big surprise graduation party for my husband who is getting his doctorate this spring. In addition to inviting friends and family I also invited coworkers of his from all of his past jobs, and his present job. About 45 coworkers were invited. In all I am expecting about 100 people. I did not include significant others of the coworkers, unless he was friends with both people. I did this mainly because the function hall can't accommodate many more people (120 limit). Plus, it is costing me $30 per person, and if the 45 coworkers turned into 90 coworkers I couldn't afford it! Was that rude of me?

Coworkers are now beginning to ask if they can bring guests. I'm afraid if I say "No" to the people who ask, they won't bring guests. I know there will be some people there who won't ask but will still bring guests and that wouldn't be fair to the people who asked. Plus, I hate to just say "No." Or should I tell people that I would need to wait and see how many people RSVP because we are almost at the room limit? But that seems awkward and complicated.

Not sure what to do. Any suggestions?

New Rule and..

Yes

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

This:

If this was a staff function, then coworkers not being allowed to bring guests makes sense. But with this being a social function that has nothing to do with a work celebration but rather a personal one, then I personally wouldn't feel comfortable if my DH or I were told that we can't bring a guest. That doesn't mean that I'd definitely attend with my DH or vice versa, but we'd likely send our regrets if some kind of restriction was imposed like that when it's not a work related thing. It's not about us not being able to be apart from each other or that we don't care about the coworker...just a matter of courtesy in our eyes.

 

[cheermom1]

If this was a staff function, then coworkers not being allowed to bring guests makes sense. But with this being a social function that has nothing to do with a work celebration but rather a personal one, then I personally wouldn't feel comfortable if my DH or I were told that we can't bring a guest. That doesn't mean that I'd definitely attend with my DH or vice versa, but we'd likely send our regrets if some kind of restriction was imposed like that when it's not a work related thing. It's not about us not being able to be apart from each other or that we don't care about the coworker...just a matter of courtesy in our eyes.

Yeah same here Like I said earlier my dh wouldn't go with out me, he would feel very out of place. I would tell him to go but i know him too well. It's not that we can't be away from each other b/c we do that all the time. It is just that this is a social event that just seems very odd to not invite the SO. Plus as the op mentioned there will be people who would assume they can bring their SO.

I asked her a question, I asked for her to put herself in the coworkers shoe, how would she feel if her or her dh got an invitation with just inviting one or the other but not both to a party this she is throwing? Op I would like to know how would you feel if it happened to you?

Not trying to be mean but I think it is courtesy to invite their SO.

Maybe you can arrange to cut budget somewhere else so they can bring their SO?

 

[RitaZ.]

I have a question I was hoping you guys might be able to help me with. I am throwing a big surprise graduation party for my husband who is getting his doctorate this spring. In addition to inviting friends and family I also invited coworkers of his from all of his past jobs, and his present job. About 45 coworkers were invited. In all I am expecting about 100 people. I did not include significant others of the coworkers, unless he was friends with both people. I did this mainly because the function hall can't accommodate many more people (120 limit). Plus, it is costing me $30 per person, and if the 45 coworkers turned into 90 coworkers I couldn't afford it! Was that rude of me?

Coworkers are now beginning to ask if they can bring guests. I'm afraid if I say "No" to the people who ask, they won't bring guests. I know there will be some people there who won't ask but will still bring guests and that wouldn't be fair to the people who asked. Plus, I hate to just say "No." Or should I tell people that I would need to wait and see how many people RSVP because we are almost at the room limit? But that seems awkward and complicated.

Not sure what to do. Any suggestions?

Yikes! I don't think you have a lot of options here.

The only thing you can do to accommodate the additional guests would be to have the party at a different venue. I expect that many of the guests that are asking to bring their spouses will end up declining the invitation.

 

[Aimeedyan]

It's a social event so yes, I'd expect to be able to bring my spouse. I think that would be a common expectation.

If it was something during work hours at the office, it would not include spouses.

 

[Planogirl]

I have been invited and have attended such things and sometimes they mention bringing DH and sometimes not. The same for DH. Even if I have been invited to one of DH's social gatherings, I much prefer not to go. They usually talk about work and I end up bored senseless so I'm glad to send him alone.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Just wanted to point out that while it was a breach of etiquette for the OP to not invite spouses to a social event (yes, even if if the honoree doesn't ordinarily socialize with them), it's an equal breach for the invitees to now call her and ask if they can bring a guest; and of course, ruder still will be the ones who DON'T call, but just ***ume and show up with, effectively, gate-crashers

 

[NHdisneylover]

I have a question I was hoping you guys might be able to help me with. I am throwing a big surprise graduation party for my husband who is getting his doctorate this spring. In addition to inviting friends and family I also invited coworkers of his from all of his past jobs, and his present job. About 45 coworkers were invited. In all I am expecting about 100 people. I did not include significant others of the coworkers, unless he was friends with both people. I did this mainly because the function hall can't accommodate many more people (120 limit). Plus, it is costing me $30 per person, and if the 45 coworkers turned into 90 coworkers I couldn't afford it! Was that rude of me?

Coworkers are now beginning to ask if they can bring guests. I'm afraid if I say "No" to the people who ask, they won't bring guests. I know there will be some people there who won't ask but will still bring guests and that wouldn't be fair to the people who asked. Plus, I hate to just say "No." Or should I tell people that I would need to wait and see how many people RSVP because we are almost at the room limit? But that seems awkward and complicated.

Not sure what to do. Any suggestions?

I am sorry but I do this the way you handled this was quite rude. This is a large, social, co-ed function. All of the guests should have been invited with their significant others or spouses. I also think some people will not ask and "still bring guests" without ever realizing they were not supposed to--I think for such parties (NOT a just the girls or guys thin and not a work only thing) it is assumed by many that spouses are included.

It also seems (based on my bolded line) that the former co-worker will not all know each other and therefore not be able to just hang out together as some PPs have mentioned as they did not all work at the same place--they have just all worked with your DH at some point in his life.

What you should have done in the first place was only invite the number of people you could afford to have WITH their spouses. 45 former co-workers is a lot of people to be so close to that none could be cut, or you could have used a less expensive venue or food options to make up for the extra people. Like others, DH and I do plenty without each other and CAN be apart--but we would want the option to be together at a big, co-ed social party on a weekend. Actually, we do tend to go together whenever we can on the weekends since he travels M-F (sometimes also on the weekends) for work so our time together is otherwise quite limited.

What to do now is very tricky as you have gotten yourself into quite a bind. First off, is there any additional room at the hall that you can rent? Maybe a smaller space that you can have people between the two rooms? Set the drinks up in one and buffet in another to encourage moving around? Or have louder music in one and the other be a more intimate setting? As far as cost goes, get with the caterer and figure out a different menu that you can afford for everyone.
If getting more space is not an option then my suggestion is to send an email to ALL of those coworkers and basically tell them you made a HUGE mistake and forgot to count their spouses when figuring out how big of a hall you needed. Basically, from my point of view since you have already been rude in not inviting people this does not add to it and honesty is probably your best policy in not hurting more feelings (okay--limited honesty I would NOT mention not wanting to invite them because of cost, just spin it to look like you forgot). Admit full out it was your mistake and very rude of you and you are so very sorry. Tell everyone it by no means means you do not want spouses there, but you are limited by the size of the hall. Ask that those who wish to come and want their spouses their to please do YOU the big favour of letting you know and you will call/email them as soon as you have all the RSVPs in and hopefully there will be enough room to accommodate everyone who wants to come. Also say you totally understand if some people do not wish to attend in light of your blunder but you do hope they will understand it was just an honest mistake by someone not used to planning big events.
Then also increase the number of guests you will take the the maximum the hall allows.