Matters of the heart

[famofsix]

I am a long time member, however, this is way too sensitive to post under my normal user name.

I married early and have been married for a quarter century and I have a teen. I love my husband, but I am no longer in love with him. We have had some issues over the last year or so and I am no longer happy. The original cause of our problems were because I got too comfortable in our relationship and took DH for granted. When I realized this I worked very hard and very long to show DH that I was sorry and really wanted to work things out. We had our ups and downs during this time, but we never got things back to where they were. We have also had a couple of times where DH said some really hurtful things, plus he did a few things that caused trust issues. We were moving forward and we are now to a point where DH is good with where we are, but I am not. I used to think I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man, but I now know I do not want to with the way things are. I have tried talking to DH about not being happy and the reasons why, but it is almost like he isn't listening. I asked him the other day if he were happy and he said he was. He asked me if I were happy and I told him I was not, but we never talked any further. I see him more and more turning into his dad and I know for sure that is not what I want for my life. A while ago I suggested counselling, but he shot that down and said we didn't need it. So I am at an impasse, I have a teenager to take into consideration and financially I know I can not do it on my own without support so I feel like I am stuck. So what to do???????? I really do not know.

forgiveness is a good way to get to the point of feeling better about YOURSELF. Forgive yourself for when you took him for granted and move forward with counseling for yourself....lots of good advice here...your post seems an emotional one but no one to end a marriage over The counseling may help you forgive him for whatever wrongs are there but maybe help you see your marriage in a different way.


If he is abusing you physically or emotionally then my advice would be different

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I have tried talking to DH about not being happy and the reasons why

I've thought more about this over the day. "Happy" isn't something that people can control. Happy isn't something to strive for. You need to focus on "Contentment". The world is a big, bad, ugly place, and someone or something along the line is going to cause you to be unhappy. What you can control is your contentment.

Being content means being at peace with your life and circumstances. It is the ability to accept the things you can't change, and having the strength to change the things you can.

I don't mean that you shouldn't try to fix problems. You just need to recognize that life isn't always going to be a bowl of cherries. As for some suggestions, you didn't provide details, so it's hard to give advice. Why aren't you happy? Why aren't you content? Is leaving your husband going to fix it? Are you bored? Try to be active in changing up the relationship. Have a date night. Spice up the bedroom a little. Do you feel that you are doing too much of the housework? Ask for help. Or to switch a few chores around (he mops instead of you, you take out trash instead of him). Not feeling attracted to him? Has he gained weight. Say so. Don't be shy. Conversely, maybe you feel he's not attracted to you anymore. Do something to fix that.

Are you sure your problems are with your husband? Maybe you are feeling unfulfilled in your career. Try going back to school, or changing jobs (or getting one if you don't have one).

Take action. Be the change you want.

But throwing away a 25+ year relationship? That makes me sad.

 

[cm8]

I've thought more about this over the day. "Happy" isn't something that people can control. Happy isn't something to strive for. You need to focus on "Contentment". The world is a big, bad, ugly place, and someone or something along the line is going to cause you to be unhappy. What you can control is your contentment.

Being content means being at peace with your life and circumstances. It is the ability to accept the things you can't change, and having the strength to change the things you can.

I don't mean that you shouldn't try to fix problems. You just need to recognize that life isn't always going to be a bowl of cherries. As for some suggestions, you didn't provide details, so it's hard to give advice. Why aren't you happy? Why aren't you content? Is leaving your husband going to fix it? Are you bored? Try to be active in changing up the relationship. Have a date night. Spice up the bedroom a little. Do you feel that you are doing too much of the housework? Ask for help. Or to switch a few chores around (he mops instead of you, you take out trash instead of him). Not feeling attracted to him? Has he gained weight. Say so. Don't be shy. Conversely, maybe you feel he's not attracted to you anymore. Do something to fix that.

Are you sure your problems are with your husband? Maybe you are feeling unfulfilled in your career. Try going back to school, or changing jobs (or getting one if you don't have one).

Take action. Be the change you want.

But throwing away a 25+ year relationship? That makes me sad.

Wow, that was very well stated and put together

 

[ugadog99]

Don't throw away your marriage because of what may be temporary feelings. Even if you feel nothing more than friendship at least you have a man who loves you. That is a lot to make a person thankful.

\

 

[Happy Mom2]

Being 'in love' is overrated and is mostly in fairy tales and movies. What is missing, the thrill, the excitement, the sexual spark?

You need to find happiness within yourself first. Another person can not complete you, that you must do yourself. The other person helps you along that journey and makes the road that much more interesting to travel.

I suggest that you go to counseling and reevaluate what it is you expect and desire from your life.

Single parenting sucks, plain and simple. Dating is scary and with a teenager in the home, pretty much non-existent - especially if you want to do right by your child. Divorce brings out the absolute worse in people, even those you would never think could be hateful.

A good man is hard to find and if you let him go, he will be scooped up in short order.

Well said. My thoughts exactly.

 

[bdcp]

The reality is, Love is a choice. I love my husband, sometimes he drives me crazy, but he is the one I'm committed to and he loves me. Don't buy into the romantic, fireworks, etc lasting forever. If the intense feelings we all had when we first got together lasted, we'd all be unemployed and emotionally burned out. I got married at 21 and my DH was 24 and we'll celebrate our 30th anniversary in July. Getting married young is no excuse for leaving. No relationship is perfect. Think long and hard before you leave someone who wants to be married to you, isn't abusive or having affairs. The grass is never greener. There are just as many weeds and bugs on the other side of the fence. Nothing you stated is a good reason to leave.

I agree, you sound bored. Find something you enjoy doing and work on your relationship.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

When my husband and I were first married sometimes I would question my happiness. Does he love me? Does he even care? These feelings started to come more often. I was at a place about 2 years ago that I was about ready to leave. I didn't feel 'in love'. I wasn't happy and honestly I didn't know if I even loved him anymore. My husband just became this couch potato that I felt I could walk right out of his life and he wouldn't even notice. Then I found a set of books that actually changed everything. I am not joking. This book actually changed my whole marriage and my life. 'Have a new you by friday' and 'Have a new husband by friday'. They are both by Dr Kevin Leman. He knew exactly what I was feeling exactly why I was feeling it. He also knew what my husband was doing and why he was doing it. I realized that everything about my marriage that I needed from my husband was NEVER going to happen by me whining and waiting for it. I changed my husband by changing myself. I know this might sound far fetched but this was really my last shot. I used to love when he was working nights so I could be alone. The thought of being intimate was about the furthest thing from my mind. Now we are acting like we did when we were dating. He helps out around the house more, he is more involved with our kids' activities, we have date nights and he goes out of his way to help me out just when I need it the most. Most importantly we are in love and we know we love each other and the spark is back. If you would have told me I would feel this way about my husband I would have thought you were nuts but, as I said before, this was my last shot.

 

[njcarita]

not sure what your age is but..... if u are in your 40's maybe u are just dealing with perimenapause ...menapause ...

I know that I went thru a real rough patch when I hit 44..... I questioned everything... my life... career ....marriage etc etc etc ..... I wasn't happy total funk.... kept asking myself if this is all there is.... cried ALOT

but i am so glad I stuck it out .... cause those feelings have passed..... and I'm starting to feel like I am back....