Matters of the heart

[ConfusedOne]

I am a long time member, however, this is way too sensitive to post under my normal user name.

I married early and have been married for a quarter century and I have a teen. I love my husband, but I am no longer in love with him. We have had some issues over the last year or so and I am no longer happy. The original cause of our problems were because I got too comfortable in our relationship and took DH for granted. When I realized this I worked very hard and very long to show DH that I was sorry and really wanted to work things out. We had our ups and downs during this time, but we never got things back to where they were. We have also had a couple of times where DH said some really hurtful things, plus he did a few things that caused trust issues. We were moving forward and we are now to a point where DH is good with where we are, but I am not. I used to think I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man, but I now know I do not want to with the way things are. I have tried talking to DH about not being happy and the reasons why, but it is almost like he isn't listening. I asked him the other day if he were happy and he said he was. He asked me if I were happy and I told him I was not, but we never talked any further. I see him more and more turning into his dad and I know for sure that is not what I want for my life. A while ago I suggested counselling, but he shot that down and said we didn't need it. So I am at an impasse, I have a teenager to take into consideration and financially I know I can not do it on my own without support so I feel like I am stuck. So what to do???????? I really do not know.

 

[Belle0101]

I am a long time member, however, this is way too sensitive to post under my normal user name.

I married early and have been married for a quarter century and I have a teen. I love my husband, but I am no longer in love with him. We have had some issues over the last year or so and I am no longer happy. The original cause of our problems were because I got too comfortable in our relationship and took DH for granted. When I realized this I worked very hard and very long to show DH that I was sorry and really wanted to work things out. We had our ups and downs during this time, but we never got things back to where they were. We have also had a couple of times where DH said some really hurtful things, plus he did a few things that caused trust issues. We were moving forward and we are now to a point where DH is good with where we are, but I am not. I used to think I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man, but I now know I do not want to with the way things are. I have tried talking to DH about not being happy and the reasons why, but it is almost like he isn't listening. I asked him the other day if he were happy and he said he was. He asked me if I were happy and I told him I was not, but we never talked any further. I see him more and more turning into his dad and I know for sure that is not what I want for my life. A while ago I suggested counselling, but he shot that down and said we didn't need it. So I am at an impasse, I have a teenager to take into consideration and financially I know I can not do it on my own without support so I feel like I am stuck. So what to do???????? I really do not know.

Even though your DH has shot down the idea of couples counseling you could still go for yourself. It could still be helpful. Best of luck to you.

 

[ugadog99]

As a woman with two teen girls and who has been a single mom for the last 17 years, my advice is to be very careful. While you may not be "in love" with him, if he is not verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive, I would stay. Single parenthood STINKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Singleminnie]

I agree with you should try going to counseling on your own if he won't go, I did so before my divorce. They shouldn't tell you what to do, but will give you different ways to look at things, and helped me make sure I was thinking all things out for me and my girls! One thing you need to keep in mind, you deserve to be happy. Being sad or depressed will not only affect your relationships, but it can impact your health too! I wish you the best

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If you are stuck financially then get that part of yourself going. Also seek counseling on your own.

I guess what I saying is that stop focusing on your dh so much and start focusing on yourself.

You might find fulfillment in other areas of your life improves your relationship or it may end it. Either way, working on yourself sounds like the first step here.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

Being 'in love' is overrated and is mostly in fairy tales and movies. What is missing, the thrill, the excitement, the sexual spark?

You need to find happiness within yourself first. Another person can not complete you, that you must do yourself. The other person helps you along that journey and makes the road that much more interesting to travel.

I suggest that you go to counseling and reevaluate what it is you expect and desire from your life.

Single parenting sucks, plain and simple. Dating is scary and with a teenager in the home, pretty much non-existent - especially if you want to do right by your child. Divorce brings out the absolute worse in people, even those you would never think could be hateful.

A good man is hard to find and if you let him go, he will be scooped up in short order.

 

[Buckalew11]

Being 'in love' is overrated and is mostly in fairy tales and movies. What is missing, the thrill, the excitement, the sexual spark?

You need to find happiness within yourself first. Another person can not complete you, that you must do yourself. The other person helps you along that journey and makes the road that much more interesting to travel.

I suggest that you go to counseling and reevaluate what it is you expect and desire from your life.

Single parenting sucks, plain and simple. Dating is scary and with a teenager in the home, pretty much non-existent - especially if you want to do right by your child. Divorce brings out the absolute worse in people, even those you would never think could be hateful.

A good man is hard to find and if you let him go, he will be scooped up in short order.

:

My sister is going thru a divorce after 34 yrs. of marriage. So far, it is hell. There are 4 kids involved and they are truly angry and devastated.

I hope you can tell him how serious you are and that you need conseling (and find the right counselor--please!)
Maybe try something like The Love Dare and focus on yourself and healing your marriage instead of thinking of leaving it. If you focus on and think about leaving, you will fulfill your own prophecy.

 

[amg35]

As a woman with two teen girls and who has been a single mom for the last 17 years, my advice is to be very careful. While you may not be "in love" with him, if he is not verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive, I would stay. Single parenthood STINKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

delete

 

[horseshowmom]

Even though your DH has shot down the idea of couples counseling you could still go for yourself. It could still be helpful. Best of luck to you.

I agree with this.

Being 'in love' is overrated and is mostly in fairy tales and movies. What is missing, the thrill, the excitement, the sexual spark?

You need to find happiness within yourself first. Another person can not complete you, that you must do yourself. The other person helps you along that journey and makes the road that much more interesting to travel.

I suggest that you go to counseling and reevaluate what it is you expect and desire from your life.

Single parenting sucks, plain and simple. Dating is scary and with a teenager in the home, pretty much non-existent - especially if you want to do right by your child. Divorce brings out the absolute worse in people, even those you would never think could be hateful.

A good man is hard to find and if you let him go, he will be scooped up in short order.

I've never been a single parent, but I do understand what this poster is saying. I do recognize that there are some situations that leave individuals with no other alternative than a divorce, but I also agree about thinking it through very thoroughly. I have heard so many people say after the fact that they wished they had stayed and worked through their problems - that things didn't get better after they left.

I believe that sometimes staying married is plain and simply a choice. I am married to a very good man who I love and who was/is an excellent father (our daughter is grown and married now), but we have our ups and downs just like anybody else. If at all possible, I do believe that everything that can be done to save a marriage should be done (particularly when children are involved).

This post is really scary to me. I hate that you are in this situation. Because of having children, you should stay with someone who you don't really want to spend the rest of your life with because he doesn't hit you?

I know this isn't what you meant, but it somehow makes me believe the idea that people only get married to have children. I know that's not always the case, but sometimes...

I agree with you, that isn't what they meant. They just meant that sometimes (often) the grass is greener on the other side of the fence and that sometimes when people get to the other side they see that it isn't what they thought it was.

I have a cousin who was separated from her husband for a couple of years (no divorce, just a legal separation). At the end of that time, she decided that she would rather work to resolve their problems (because her husband was truly a good man, and she found that those are in short supply), and they've been happily married since then (not to say they never have issues because they're human just like the rest of us). BTW, they don't have children so having or not having children isn't really the issue.

OP, I understand that your situation involves a husband who says he doesn't want counseling, but if you go yourself, you may find a way to deal with that and possibly persuade him to join you. Best wishes!

 

[Hannathy]

Being 'in love' is overrated and is mostly in fairy tales and movies. What is missing, the thrill, the excitement, the sexual spark?

You need to find happiness within yourself first. Another person can not complete you, that you must do yourself. The other person helps you along that journey and makes the road that much more interesting to travel.

I suggest that you go to counseling and reevaluate what it is you expect and desire from your life.

Single parenting sucks, plain and simple. Dating is scary and with a teenager in the home, pretty much non-existent - especially if you want to do right by your child. Divorce brings out the absolute worse in people, even those you would never think could be hateful.

A good man is hard to find and if you let him go, he will be scooped up in short order.

I agree with this. Will add you need to think of your child for a few more years of just not "being happy" with no other real reason you would be willing to totally uproot their whole life, their existence? rip apart their family, their heart, probably have to move, have a different life style, create animosity toward the parent who makes them do this, if not hate, create financial difficulties possibly, just cause them great upheaval at a terribly unstable point in their own life for the selfish "I'm not happy"?

I think if the only reason you want to divorce is you aren't happy you are being incredibly selfish to your child and should think of the innocent victim in all of this. If you have lasted 25 yrs you can't wait a couple more years to do this? Spend the next few years preparing for what you want to do, but figure out what it is before turning your child's life upside down just cause you aren't "happy" And will you be happier on less income possibly less assets, divided friends, being alone all the time, and possibly a very strained relationship with your child

 

[Owlpost23]

I don't know how old you are,but if you are unhappy with your husband,and are looking to replace him,know that the pool for us gals is VERY small,and for the fellas it is infinite.I would be very careful making a choice about leaving him.Good luck in any decisions you make.

 

[Micca]

I don't have anything to add because the previous posts have some of the best advice I've ever seen here on the Dis.

Here's hoping for a better year for you in 2011.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Hmmm, according to your OP you sound like a bored wife who wants a movie happy ending. But, I'm not going to accept that because the fact you are glossing over 'issues' you've had in the past makes me think you are covering up for serious problems so this may be more than just boredom.... my Spidey Senses are tingling. Can I ask what sorts of issues are you skipping? Infidelity? Substance Abuse? Domestic violence?

You say you got married young so that could mean you simply weren't out in the world long enough to see how truly messed up some men can be. My personal experiences with the messed up variety cause me to treat my own salt of the earth DH like pure gold, a King really. If this is the case I'd stop watching romantic TV shows & movies are try to focus on the reality that happiness comes from the inside out, it's not someone else's job to make us, keep us happy and if you behave this way you'll end up an infatuation junkie like a 16 year old. Happy also comes in cycles, either with someone else or alone, its seldom continuous.

On the other hand, if your DH has done something unforgivable FOR YOU then it might be time to move on.

Still, like other PP's said, if things are quiet right now I would wait for my child to be out of the house before stirring things up. There is no guarantee leaving would make you happy, but it's fairly certain it will make your child miserable. Well, with the exception of an abusive home or one of the previously mentioned issues. Those sorts of things really do damage to a kid and there is zero way to hide it, the kids ALWAYS know.

Best of luck

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I think you need to force the issue of counseling with your husband. If you tell him that you are not happy and are thinking of leaving him, I would bet he changes his opinion.

And/or, perhaps, you should consider your own separate counseling.

 

[luvmythree]

I am a single mother of 3 kids and it sucks! My ex was the one who had MANY affairs and walked out on us more than 5 years ago for what he thought was happiness. Turns out the grass wasn't any greener on the other side it was just a different type of weed.

My older kids have NOTHING to do with their dad. Not because of me but because they hate him for what he did to our family and to them.

He's changed girlfriends more times in the last 5 years than people change socks and yet he's still not happy.

It has been really hard to be a single parent and after being in the dating scene for awhile I have decided I would rather be alone. Dating sucks!

I'd take a long hard look at WHY you feel this way, work to make yourself happy and see if it helps your whole life including your marriage.

You are the only one to make yourself happy....not anyone else. Good luck in whatever you decide but being alone and strapped for cash isn't fun!

 

[rie'smom]

My husband and I celebrated our 29th anniversary last Sunday. There have been times over the years when I felt I was not in love with him anymore but then that would change and I'd fall in love all over again. There will be ups and downs in feelings throughout a marriage, especially a long one. I don't think anyone who has been married for a number of years has not felt the way you do. Maybe get some counseling for yourself if he is not interested. Think too that depending on your age, you could be going into the early stages of menopause when you go to bed 1 person and wake up not recognizing the person you were. The hormonal changes this stage brings on can make you feel like you're on a roller coaster. Have your Total T3 and T4 checked for thyroid issues.
Don't throw away your marriage because of what may be temporary feelings. Even if you feel nothing more than friendship at least you have a man who loves you. That is a lot to make a person thankful.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

My husband and I celebrated our 29th anniversary last Sunday. There have been times over the years when I felt I was not in love with him anymore but then that would change and I'd fall in love all over again. There will be ups and downs in feelings throughout a marriage, especially a long one. I don't think anyone who has been married for a number of years has not felt the way you do. Maybe get some counseling for yourself if he is not interested. Think too that depending on your age, you could be going into the early stages of menopause when you go to bed 1 person and wake up not recognizing the person you were. The hormonal changes this stage brings on can make you feel like you're on a roller coaster. Have your Total T3 and T4 checked for thyroid issues.
Don't throw away your marriage because of what may be temporary feelings. Even if you feel nothing more than friendship at least you have a man who loves you. That is a lot to make a person thankful.

That is VERY good advice. Your relationship is not shiny and new anymore and sometimes relationships fall into ruts. They also ebb and flow.
This poster is correct in saying that some of this could be hormonal and it is worth getting your levels checked.
Good luck to you. I hope things work out. Counselling on your own and together will be a good step in the right direction.

 

[EllenFrasier]

I did not read the other responses, so I may be repeating some.

First bit of advice, your husband cannot make you happy. You have to make the decision to be happy.

Of course you cannot feel the same about him as you once did. You are not the same person and he is not the same person. You have to adapt and change and make the decision to be happy. Don't rely on your feelings, make the decision to be happy. All marriages have their seasons (ups and downs, lulls in the excitement, etc.). No relationship is up all the time. If he no longer shares the goals that you have for your life and you feel that you must go out on your own to be happy, I suggest a trial separation first.

I also agree that you can seek counseling and find someone to talk to on your own.

 

[Jennasis]

I can only suggest counseling for yourself if your DH won't go with you.

 

[cm8]

I think you need to force the issue of counseling with your husband. If you tell him that you are not happy and are thinking of leaving him, I would bet he changes his opinion.

And/or, perhaps, you should consider your own separate counseling.

She had better be read to walk out the door if that happens too. I can't say anything to make you stay or go. Only you know what you have been through and where you are going. Being a parent means making hard choices even if you have to make them yourself.

I don't know what you husband has done to you in the past, but if you forgave him for it, then it should not be used against him now. The fact that you are not happy will not change until something inside you does. Pray about it (if you do) and seek wise counsel on the matter. Ask your husband again if he would like to go see a therapist with you and if he says no this time, then I think you already have your answer.

I'm not a fan of the I love him, but I am not IN love with him club. There are only 2 types of love, Unconditional and conditional. It's up for you to decide which one applies to your marriage. What ever choice you make, I pray that you make it for all the right reasons.

My first husband was a great husband till he hit me.
Staying was NOT an option and all the apologies in the world did not make me stay. Forgiving someone for wronging you does not mean you have to stay,staying is a choice you make after you forgive.

I had a 3 year old and an infant and I made the choice to live. I stepped out on faith and a song in my heart( Psalms 91), and that carried me till I was able to make it on my own. I overlooked a lot of other things that he had done as well and never thought that it would get worst. So I stayed and it took a toll on me in the worst way

The fact that you are questioning it means that you have already allowed yourself to become separated from your husband( in your heart) and the only person who can change the outcome is you. What ever you decide, I wish you peace, hope, faith, and love

Good Luck on whatever you decide