Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List

[SuiteDisney]

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows '95

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

 

[JulesMom]

 

[RitaZ.]

December 11 ~Lay Faberge egg.

I better get started.....

 

[Wagamama]

LOL!!! shouldn't she be more worried about going bankrupt?

 

[EROS]

Martha may be dishonest, but at least she doesn't wish to kill innocent Iraqi women and children

 

[RitaZ.]

Eros, give it a rest!

 

[EROS]

Rita, it's hard to rest when GEORGE W. is soooooooooo willing to kill innocents to get at Saddam . However, it probably is easier to bury our heads in the sand and let the commander-in-chief "do his thing" ......

 

[RitaZ.]

Eros~ I was going to pm you, but I see that you don't have that option. I don't want to hijack this thread.... All I will say is that I'm feeling just as powerless as you are. I don't want innocent people to die, if there is a war this will happen on both sides. What is the right way to handle the situation? I don't know.

 

[SuiteDisney]

This is a joke thread, EROS, and it has nothing to do with war or politics. Go start your own controversial thread.

BTW, here's a song for you...

(Parody of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer)

Osama got run over by a reindeer
Right outside his cave on Christmas Eve
Some folks say there’s no such thing as Santa
But now even the Taliban believe

Osama thought we'd never find him
But even little children know
Santa knows who’s been real naughty
In those hard Afghani mountains capped with snow

Al-Quaida found him Christmas morning
Face down on that mountain pass
There were hoof marks on his turban
And a broken reindeer antler up his oh-ho-ho-ho-ho

Osama got run over by a reindeer
Being near his cave door on Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as karma
But if you saw those hoof marks you'd believe

Sing it

Osama got run over by a reindeer
Now he's not around on Christmas Day
He was hopin’ he'd be meeting Allah
The only thing he met was Santa's sleigh

Merry Christmas

Ooh, that's gotta hurt!

 

[EROS]

Thanks, SUITE........I took your advice, but few DIS members want to think of their President as a killer ........

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Originally posted by RitaZ.
Eros~ I was going to pm you, but I see that you don't have that option.

Wow...isn't that right up there with putting people on your ignore list? People not wanting to hear what other people have to say? Hhmmm...

 

[EROS]

MARYANN, when members respond PUBLICALLY to me, they usually avoid using filth ........

 

[nativetxn]

Laura, I loved the Martha Stewart to do list