MARTHA STEWART OBTAINS NUCLEAR WEAPON
Plans Strike on Cybill Shepherd, U.S. Fears
Martha Stewart, the embattled domestic diva portrayed by Cybill Shepherd in a no-holds-barred NBC biopic Monday night, has obtained a nuclear weapon and plans to use it against Ms. Shepherd, the U.S. fears.
While Ms. Stewart has been suspected of attempting to acquire a nuclear weapon for some time, recent satellite photos of her home on Georgica Pond in East Hampton, New York have yielded troubling new evidence that she has succeeded, according to State Department sources.
In the photos, the sources say, Ms. Stewart is seen barking at workmen dressed as landscapers unloading trucks filled with spent nuclear fuel rods, presumably for reprocessing to extract residual uranium.
According to these sources, Ms. Stewart recently acquired a Cuisinart spent-fuel reprocesser, thought to be the first step in creating an assembly line of nuclear weapons.
Ms. Stewart has claimed that shes just using the Cuisinart to create sumptuous meals for friends and family, one State Department source says. But whenever Martha Stewart starts talking about doing something for friends and family, you can be pretty sure shes lying.
Tensions between Martha Stewart and Cybill Shepherd have been building ever since Ms. Shepherd agreed to play Ms. Stewart in the NBC movie, but few suspected that the crisis would escalate to the brink of nuclear war.
The situation is especially worrisome, State Department sources say, because Ms. Shepherd is suspected of having a substantial nuclear arsenal of her own.
Cybill Shepherd has shown herself to be unafraid to use the nuclear card, one source says. She used it back in the 80s to get a bigger trailer on Moonlighting.
**** BY ANDY BOROWITZ ****
Plans Strike on Cybill Shepherd, U.S. Fears
Martha Stewart, the embattled domestic diva portrayed by Cybill Shepherd in a no-holds-barred NBC biopic Monday night, has obtained a nuclear weapon and plans to use it against Ms. Shepherd, the U.S. fears.
While Ms. Stewart has been suspected of attempting to acquire a nuclear weapon for some time, recent satellite photos of her home on Georgica Pond in East Hampton, New York have yielded troubling new evidence that she has succeeded, according to State Department sources.
In the photos, the sources say, Ms. Stewart is seen barking at workmen dressed as landscapers unloading trucks filled with spent nuclear fuel rods, presumably for reprocessing to extract residual uranium.
According to these sources, Ms. Stewart recently acquired a Cuisinart spent-fuel reprocesser, thought to be the first step in creating an assembly line of nuclear weapons.
Ms. Stewart has claimed that shes just using the Cuisinart to create sumptuous meals for friends and family, one State Department source says. But whenever Martha Stewart starts talking about doing something for friends and family, you can be pretty sure shes lying.
Tensions between Martha Stewart and Cybill Shepherd have been building ever since Ms. Shepherd agreed to play Ms. Stewart in the NBC movie, but few suspected that the crisis would escalate to the brink of nuclear war.
The situation is especially worrisome, State Department sources say, because Ms. Shepherd is suspected of having a substantial nuclear arsenal of her own.
Cybill Shepherd has shown herself to be unafraid to use the nuclear card, one source says. She used it back in the 80s to get a bigger trailer on Moonlighting.
**** BY ANDY BOROWITZ ****
