Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[3DisneyKids]

Obsessedwiththemouse,

I don't mean this in any way as a flame, I'm just very curious. You are obviously a proud mother of two (as am I - mine just have four legs and a tail!) We have wondered numerous times on this thread why a happy parent would even bother reading these posts. Can you shed any light?

And just as a side bar - I happen to think I'd make a great mom. I happened to have a dog that I loved dearly who had all sorts of health problems - to the point where I would sleep on a sleeping bag in my family room so that I could let him in and out all night long on his worst nights. Poor boy finally has some peace, but I would have walked to the moon and back if I could have made him healthy.

Anyway, my real point was just trying to figure out why a happy parent would read this thread...?

Liisa

Hi Lisa--

I am not the person that you addressed this to, but I can offer my reasons for being on this thread. As you can see by my screen name, I have three kids...all still quite young (4, 6, and 7). And I am a very happy mom and very happy with my decision to be a parent.

The reason that I personally read this thread is so that I can see and hear the other perspective. My life is so kid-centered (and all of my friends have young kids and we do things together, etc.), so it is really easy for me to forget that not everyone is in this place. I have read things here...like stroller issues/cpmplaints, that I would not have thought about and just take for granted since it is so much a part of my daily life.

When it comes to Disney, sure, most people think of it as a place for families and young kids, etc. However, I want to make sure that my kids don't do any of the things mentioned here that would take away from someone else's vacation. Reading the posts here about annoying kids (or annoying parents! ) helps me to keep those issues in mind and remember that not everyone at Disney is traveling with young kids...and more importantly, that having young kids is not a "free pass" for unacceptable behavior ("Hey, they're just kids....what're you going to do?" type of attitude.)

 

[3DisneyKids]

Snip-snip for DH!!!!! Faster recovery time than you having your tubes tied!!! Fast and easy!
ETA- and I believe a urologist would not have the same "issues" when it came to a guy- than a GYN would have for a woman-- Why doesn't everyone stop telling us we should do with our bodies!

As far as your tubes being tied- It should not be anyone's (doctor) business as to WHY you want it done- Have you asked your gyno about it??? Hopefully your GYN is not a "OB"GYN- I think they tend to be a bit more "family minded"

OMG, I know that many of your are going to freak out about this...but please...don't shoot the messenger!

When my DH got snipped, his doc wanted MY ok to go ahead with the procedure! ***?!? Many of my friends also said that it was standard procedure...make sure your wife is on board before you get snipped type of thing. I found this to be bizarre!

I swear, I felt like I was writing a persmission slip for one of my kid's field trips. "Dear Dr. Jones, I give permission for Johnny to have his private parts operated on so that no live swimmers can invade my uterus...."

Definitely, this is something a couple should talk about...but I don't think it is the doc's business as to whether or not this conversation has taken place.

 

[aclov]

Me too!

There was another one too: http://lifestyle.msn.com/familyandparenting/raisingkids/articleab.aspx?cp-documentid=454101&GT1=10215

This one was part of the "Maybe, Baby" book.

I read this one this morning and was going to post.

On a side note - as for people having children so they can take care of them when they get old, there is no guarantee of that. My mother in law had 5 children and 3 of them have died including her DH. MY DH and I cannot take care of her not because we don't want to but I work far from home and he's self-employed and works very late hours. My sister in-law works shifts and cannot take care of her, so she is in a nursing home. Her grandchildren live out of state or cannot take on the responsibility.

What I'm saying is there are no guarantees in life.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Hi Jennifer--

I understand what you're saying, sort of. I think my life with just me and my husband would be very boring and lonely.

Life with just my husband and I (for the last 21 years ) is anything BUT boring and lonely. He's my soulmate AND my best friend. I don't mean this as a flame at all; I just can't imagine life as boring and lonely just because a couple doesn't have children.

I do think for a lot of mothers, their children are absolutely # 1 in their lives (and there's nothing wrong with that), but DH and I are # 1 in each others' lives.

 

[ObsessedwiththeMouse]

Life with just my husband and I (for the last 21 years ) is anything BUT boring and lonely. He's my soulmate AND my best friend. I don't mean this as a flame at all; I just can't imagine life as boring and lonely just because a couple doesn't have children.

I do think for a lot of mothers, their children are absolutely # 1 in their lives (and there's nothing wrong with that), but DH and I are # 1 in each others' lives.

I absolutely agree with you. You see, I'm making the statement after I've had kids. If I think back to a life without them, it seems boring to me...because I've already experienced the joys of having them...Make sense? I can't imagine life without them. They are the best decision I've ever made.

If I didn't have them, I wouldn't know what to do with all of my free time! (Except maybe take a well deserved nap! )

 

[PilotWife]

Life with just my husband and I (for the last 21 years ) is anything BUT boring and lonely. He's my soulmate AND my best friend. I don't mean this as a flame at all; I just can't imagine life as boring and lonely just because a couple doesn't have children.

I do think for a lot of mothers, their children are absolutely # 1 in their lives (and there's nothing wrong with that), but DH and I are # 1 in each others' lives.

My DH is my soulmate and best friend and will always be #1 in my life, that does not change when you have children.....yes, you do have to make children a priority for certain things within the family for a few years. And I am so glad that you and you DH are very happy after 21 years of no children, I am sorry that I got everyone in an uproar about this "old age thing"....I was only trying to show another view of what my mom "worried" about for me , when I was much older, and possibly widowed. I was just trying to show what life "might" be like for someone in their golden years and if you do not like that synario then you have the full power to re-evaluate your priorities, while you are younger, because there does come a day that is to late for children and family. (Even with adoption)

I would worry that my daughter (although if she chose not to then fine) was giving up one of the greatest rewards in life and in her older life with other children that come into a family. Yes, that would worry me about my daughter making that decision.

Jennifer

 

[kennancat]

Saw this article just now and it made me think of our latest discussion. This is why whether or not you have kids, all adults should make sure that they have their financial and legal arrangements set to handle needing living assistance. (I know, it's in India, but I wouldn't put it past Americans!)

http://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUSDEL32954620070719?src=071907_1249_ARTICLE_PROMO_also_on_reuters

EW DELHI (Reuters) - An Indian couple found an unwell 75-year-old woman lying on a garbage dump, apparently thrown out of her home by her daughter and grandsons who did not want to take care of her, the Hindustan Times reported.

"She never complained about her family's behavior, only rued the fact that she couldn't move without help," Mohanasundari, one of the rescuers, said.

The "semi-paralyzed" Palaniappan told her rescuers her youngest daughter had quarreled with other family members over who should take care of her. The daughter then got her sons to take their grandmother to the dump in the southern state of Tamil Nadu.

Sons and daughters have traditionally looked after their elderly parents but sociologists say that the pressures of modern life are seeing more elderly people abandoned by their children or sent to old-age homes.

Politicians expressed outrage over Palaniappan's fate and said they would ask officials to take action against the family.

"I have asked the collector (a local official) to take care of the old lady, and take legal action against the children," state Social Welfare Minister Poongothai, who like many in Tamil Nadu goes by one name, was quoted as saying.

 

[ObsessedwiththeMouse]

My DH is my soulmate and best friend and will always be #1 in my life, that does not change when you have children.....yes, you do have to make children a priority for certain things within the family for a few years.

I would worry that my daughter (although if she chose not to then fine) was giving up one of the greatest rewards in life and in her older life with other children that come into a family. Yes, that would worry me about my daughter making that decision.

My husband would get a kick out of this statement if he read it. He knows my kids come first...ALWAYS. If they need something or are sick or something is wrong, there is no other world for me. Do I love my husband? Absolutely. He is my best friend and I am always here for him. BUT, I am a mother and I worry and over-protect and that's just fine with me. My kids have a mother they know they can depend on.

Now, as for my daughter choosing not to have kids? I would feel terribly sad for her if she chose that route, so I agree with you there, Jennifer.

 

[kennancat]

I am sorry that I got everyone in an uproar about this "old age thing"

I think the main problem is that there's a certain number of things that CF people hear over and over (try searching "childfree bingo" to find a list) and this is one of the big ones. I think the majority of people who decide not to have kids really do make a decision and think through all these things for a long time before choosing not to have children. Look at it this way - pretend you and your DH decided to move to a new city. You're only going to be there for about three years, so you debate whether you should rent or buy a home. After much discussion, you finally decide to rent. You mention this to someone who then says, "Rent? That's just throwing money away! You should buy a house!" That person may have a perfectly legitimate point, it's just that you've been going over this for a long time in private and it's frustrating to have someone who's not familiar with your situation bring up a point that you've thought of and discussed many times already.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Just wanted to add that my mom took care of an elderly uncle until his death - not because he didn't have children, but because his two children didn't want to be bothered. I guess this echoes both sides. Elderly people might need family members for company or help, but I would hope that someone would do so, regardless of whether it is a child or not. I can't imagine a whole family neglecting someone because they are childless. My aunt is 78 years old and she lives in an apartment building. She makes it her business to check on older residents who are not as together and quick as she is. I guess having children isn't an insurance policy, but we hope someone will help the elderly, whether it is a friend, family member or child, just because it's the right thing to do.

 

[ChisJo]

Ahhh..the "you'll be lonely when your old" debate. Speaking as someone who has a) worked in a long term care facility, b) an Alzheimers care facility, and c) a palliative/geriatrics facility, let me tell you, just because you have kids, this DOES NOT mean that you will have that care or bond or companionship until the day you die. Also, I believe that I have seen more people die without their kids around than I have people die with them around. Kids with sick parents don't visit them as often as you may think. Most are abandoned and haven't seen some of them for years.

I look at the environments I have worked in and it is truly depressing. It is actually one of the reasons that I don't want to have kids. Between the geriatrics and the pediatrics units, I don't know what has encouraged me more to stay child free.

Yes, the memories that I might get from having children may make me all gooey inside, and I can understand why mommies don't get why anyone would choose not to have children when their bundles of joy occupy them to the nth degree, but what I can't understand is why people think that just because they have children, they have some sort of perfect relationship with them until the day they die??? My grandmother, for instance, lives in another province from all of her kids and grandkids...with the exception of my brother, who happens to be the most selfish person I know and wouldn't visit his grandmother if she was on her deathbed. So, that whole debate about "who will take care of you when your old" crap just irritates me....I plan on being taken care of in a private facility on the beach....end of story.

 

[Hixski]

I was just over on the CB and saw this thread.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1521541

It especially scared me because I am 47. If it has not happened by now it sure as sh** better not happen at this point.

 

[zima-cheryl]

Speaking as someone who has a) worked in a long term care facility, b) an Alzheimers care facility, and c) a palliative/geriatrics facility

ChrisJo,

Bit of a side-bar here, but bless you for what you do!

My grandmother was diagnosed w/Alzheimers w/in the last year, and she seemed to drop off fast. We have her in a nursing home for Alzheimers and I'm so glad there are people like you who can care for her! Because about all I can do is miss my grandmother (she doesn't even remember us some days).

 

[Liisa]

....I plan on being taken care of in a private facility on the beach....end of story.

DH says we are heading to the South of France to live out our days!

 

[kennancat]

DH says we are heading to the South of France to live out our days!

I like these communities that they're starting affiliated with universities. The idea is that you're near top-notch medical facilities and can also take all the college classes you want for free to keep your mind sharp. What can I say, retirement for nerds

 

[Liisa]

I'm looking for some recommendations (and to be honest, this thread got tooooo quiet! ) DH and I were planning a trip to DC next Spring. But after a fairly stressful Spring / Summer - we are thinking of doing a lazier trip. Not that DC isn't very pretty... but it would be go-go-go to see stuff. Any thoughts on vacations that are relaxing, upscale (but not break the bank pricey) and are a good destination for adults (as in, not a ton of kids everywhere ) Oh, and to make it even more complicated, we can only do a 4 or 5 day trip (due to the availability of our dog / house sitter ). Thoughts?

 

[maddhatir]

How about a few days at an All Inclusive! Talk about relax!

We usually do one a few months after going to Disney- DH needs to recover!

We have been to the Dominican Republic- wasn't crazy about it.

Our last all inclusive was to Cancun ( I LOVE Cancun) anyway- we stayed at the RIU Cancun, which is moderate, certainly not upscale, but very nice- we had 3 days left to our stay and they were just asking guests if they wanted to be upgraded to the RIU Palace in Playa del Carmen- OF COURSE we do!

It was a 2 hour ride, the RIU paid for the ride. It was awesome- champagne to the left and to your right!

There were other RIUs within walking distance from the Palace that we could go to (we had THE wristband) however, no one else can get into our resort.

Another relaxing vacation- how about a short cruise?

Or you can charter a sailboat in the BVI or USVIs- have someone else do all the work while you sit in the sun!

 

[Liisa]

ooohhhh... I like the looks of the Playa del Carmen! An all-inclusive might be the way to go... not too much to stress about. Thanks for the links so that I can show the hubby!

 

[zima-cheryl]

How about a few days at an All Inclusive! Talk about relax!


Our last all inclusive was to Cancun ( I LOVE Cancun)

We have a time share in Cancun at the Omni, and just love the service there (they also do rent some rooms in another wing as hotel rooms so you don't have to lock in for a week). I can't think of anything better than curling up w/a good book by the pool or on the beach. And since it is all inclusive you don't have to worry about where to go to eat or bar tabs or anything other than which book to take to the pool w/you.

We also stayed at one of the RIU's in Cancun last year when the Omni was still repairing from the storms. It was nice, and you did have access to the amenities at all 4 or 5 of the RIU's in Cancun. Even so, I can't wait to get back to the Omni next trip.

The great thing about Cancun is it can be as relaxing or as busy as you choose to make it. There really is something for everyone there.

 

[want2bamommy]

Hello. I thought I would share this article that I saw online today.

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/AmericanFamily/story?id=3413039

As you'll see by my screen name I do want children but after 10+ years of marriage it hasn't happened for us yet. Perhaps not meant to be but my DH is an always will be my best friend and we haven't had a dull moment yet.

Missie