Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[maddhatir]

Great thread. DH and I are childless by choice, he's 32 and I'm 27. We haven't made a final "announcement" to family, but instead always beat around the bush when asked the dreaded question, "When are you going to have babies?" Come, on! Even if we told them how we feel, they wouldn't believe us anyway. So our best defense is no defense. They'll figure it out in 5 to 10 years.


Michelle

Welcome- Come join us on the "other side" it is nice and quiet and relaxing over here

 

[Mrs.Reese]

It is much quieter on this side. There are no 3am wake-ups. Nothing beats coming home to "peace and quiet." DH and I are 26 and 29 respectively and say to all those nosy people who ask: Why yes we already have children. One has orange fur and the other is mutt. Would you like to see their pictures?

We do so much more than our friends who have kids. We're taking a two-week mediterranean cruise (on teachers' salaries, no less), and planning on doing two weeks in Australia and New Zealand in 2008. Could we do this with kids? Heck no!!

 

[LoveStitch626]

I was thinking about you guys & this thread last night and I finally got a chance to read the posts I missed over the last week. I've realized my fence sitting status has been decided without a doubt. I don't have any doubt in my mind that if we ARE able to have children (meaning the doctors can do what they can to help our problem out without it being too much of a huge strain on US.. I mean I've seen couples divorce over infertility treatments becoming a huge rock between them. I don't want that. SO.. if the doctors can treat him without too much drama..) then great. I'm too much of a hard a-- to tolerate snotty kids so I don't doubt my parenting skills. BUT.. if there's going to be a lot of problems/long drawn out poo with getting DH treated.. or if it just isn't going to happen no matter what... I will be perfectly happy being childfree/childless (however you want to put it). I'll know in my mind we tried, but it just isn't going to happen so it won't be an issue anymore. I realized this last night because we actually had an evening to ourselves (no friends over for once) and we were up at 2-3am playing with our new Wii.. the rock MP3s up (very un-child friendly stuff like Rob Zombie's stuff from House of 1000 Corpses and other things) KIND of loud.. not loud enough to bother the neighbors but loud enough to be HEARD... we were hooting & hollering and there were joyous & frustrated obscenities being thrown around because hey.. it was BOWLING... lmao it happens! My basic point is.. I realized how "just fine" we are by ourselves and handling the "when?" questions the way most of yall do.. by answering w/ pet answers. I also love how I deal with friends who are parents that go on about nothing but their children. I input my own stories of what my own little darling is doing.. the little darling being my own son the st bernard. I've known dh since I was 14. My first real boyfriend was his best friend at the time. We'd been good friends through high school (stop me if I've posted this before) and when his father died we became best friends because I was there for him through the hard part of it all. I genuinely married my best friend. We had a sibling like relationship for many years until we got together. We do just fine together and don't need kids to prove that point. We can prove that point ourselves with how we act towards each other.

I also wanted to note that I hesitate to properly introduce myself because I do have a friend who is on this board who's a mommydearestto3. Her dh & mine are good OLD friends and I don't want to jeopardize that friendship (and it'd happen if she read any of this because shes REAL like that). So.. if you'd like me to introduce myself properly, please PM me so I can do so. I just wanted to throw that out there because I haven't yet and I wanted yall to know I'm not a troll or anything. I just value dh's friendships and don't want to be the cause of strain.

**powerfist to the CF'ers**

 

[Mischa]

How sad that your father had to be like that. Unfortunately, I'm sure there were others there that thought he was right. DH and I have nothing to show either. We have been together almost 26 yrs and married for 21yrs. My, my, what a failure of a marriage we have. Most people think of DH and I (especially me) as free spirits. I would rather they think of me that way than a failure and selfish for not having children.

DH and I will be taking our failure of a marriage and going to Vegas on Sunday. I am sure we will have a blast in spite of not having children.

My father is a pain the in the a** - but he enjoys that! Not sure if the others at the table thought the same thing, since most were older but one couple had their daughter with them (she's about my age) and wasn't married (or had kids). I think they were just shocked that Dad did that out loud and in front of people. Heck, they may have even thought "poor man he's got dementia or something." (which by the way he does have the beginnings of dementia).

That's great that you guys are together (even after all that time!) Hope you had a blast of a time in Vegas!

I'd be so tempted to give him the eyeroll and say something along the lines of "gee dad, after the great example of parenting you provided, I can't imagine why I don't want kids!". Some people just aren't happy unless they're making others miserable.

You aren't kidding about the "great example of parenting" - I'd say "lack of parenting" because when I was a child Dad would go to work, come home drunk, fight with my mother and then go to sleep. He's never been a loving Dad or has shown any emotion except anger. Great role model huh? He is definitely one of those people who isn't happy unless he's making others around him miserable!!

And he wonders why he is now living in an assisted living place and not with DH & I anymore. I got tired of being called names (and with the dementia getting worse, he was taking our things which was driving us crazy).

The sad thing about that whole incident at the wedding was at the time, dh & I were in the process of trying to have a baby; (though Dad didn't know because it isn't any of his business anyway). It was our last try and were thinking of going the way of donor egg. (We had tried, unsuccesfully, several IUIs after we found out about one of my tubes not working properly.)Unfortunately, the meds I was taking to see how my body would react - gave me pre-cancerous cells. The doctors aren't sure if the meds actually gave me the cells or what, but I didn't want to take any chances, so after thinking about it and knowing there isn't anything we can really do about it, DH & I have made the decision to be childfree. It was a painful decision, but we're ok with it. There are bad days sometime, but all we have to do is think about a bratty child (a couple of our friends have a few) and we think, "...yeah it's a good thing we don't have any kids..." And I think we both actually like our lives the way it is...no 2-legged kids, only the 4-legged fur kind!

Just a note to all those "fence sitters" if you think that down the road you may want to try for a child...get yourselves checked out. I never thought we'd have a problem concieving and boy was I wrong! I wish I knew then what I know now - I wouldn't have waited so long. I didn't know about the tube until I was about 38 years old. Never had any problems - very regular (if you know what I mean). So from my experience, if you think you "might" want a baby in the future - get checked out.

 

[maddhatir]

I was thinking about you guys & this thread last night and I finally got a chance to read the posts I missed over the last week. I've realized my fence sitting status has been decided without a doubt. I don't have any doubt in my mind that if we ARE able to have children (meaning the doctors can do what they can to help our problem out without it being too much of a huge strain on US.. I mean I've seen couples divorce over infertility treatments becoming a huge rock between them. I don't want that. SO.. if the doctors can treat him without too much drama..) then great. I'm too much of a hard a-- to tolerate snotty kids so I don't doubt my parenting skills. BUT.. if there's going to be a lot of problems/long drawn out poo with getting DH treated.. or if it just isn't going to happen no matter what... I will be perfectly happy being childfree/childless (however you want to put it). I'll know in my mind we tried, but it just isn't going to happen so it won't be an issue anymore. I realized this last night because we actually had an evening to ourselves (no friends over for once) and we were up at 2-3am playing with our new Wii.. the rock MP3s up (very un-child friendly stuff like Rob Zombie's stuff from House of 1000 Corpses and other things) KIND of loud.. not loud enough to bother the neighbors but loud enough to be HEARD... we were hooting & hollering and there were joyous & frustrated obscenities being thrown around because hey.. it was BOWLING... lmao it happens! My basic point is.. I realized how "just fine" we are by ourselves and handling the "when?" questions the way most of yall do.. by answering w/ pet answers. I also love how I deal with friends who are parents that go on about nothing but their children. I input my own stories of what my own little darling is doing.. the little darling being my own son the st bernard. I've known dh since I was 14. My first real boyfriend was his best friend at the time. We'd been good friends through high school (stop me if I've posted this before) and when his father died we became best friends because I was there for him through the hard part of it all. I genuinely married my best friend. We had a sibling like relationship for many years until we got together. We do just fine together and don't need kids to prove that point. We can prove that point ourselves with how we act towards each other.

I also wanted to note that I hesitate to properly introduce myself because I do have a friend who is on this board who's a mommydearestto3. Her dh & mine are good OLD friends and I don't want to jeopardize that friendship (and it'd happen if she read any of this because shes REAL like that). So.. if you'd like me to introduce myself properly, please PM me so I can do so. I just wanted to throw that out there because I haven't yet and I wanted yall to know I'm not a troll or anything. I just value dh's friendships and don't want to be the cause of strain.

**powerfist to the CF'ers**

You can post anonymously - isnt that why most of us use screen names! You feel more free about posting things!

And I just had to comment--- OMG I LOVE ROB ZOMBIE!!!! Sexy!!!Movies...music...you name it

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

DH and I have been together for almost 10 years. And we do have one child. And we like it that way. I feel like a lot of you do though, that everyone "expects" us to have another. But we are very happy and content with our one, and feel like we can offer her so much more than we could offer 2.
Why do people care so much what OTHER people do??

 

[kennancat]

I feel like a lot of you do though, that everyone "expects" us to have another.

Isn't it funny how that works? You do have a child and you're still not "good enough". Of course, God forbid you decide to have three kids, and then people say to you "don't you know what causes that?" No joke - I saw this happen to one of my managers once. Talk about MYOB.

 

[plgrn]

God forbid you decide to have three kids, and then people say to you "don't you know what causes that?"

I'm so gulity of that. I cringe when I hear that one of DH's sisters is pregnant AGAIN. *sigh* I need to practice tolerance and all that good stuff. It's not like they are asking me to feed their kids so it shouldn't matter to me if they have 10! Just don't expect me to remember all their names much less their birthdays. Their own grandmother can't even do that.


We actually just got back from a visit with the in-laws and didn't get a single "when are you going to have kids" comment. It was heavenly.

 

[LoveStitch626]

I'm so gulity of that. I cringe when I hear that one of DH's sisters is pregnant AGAIN. *sigh* I need to practice tolerance and all that good stuff. It's not like they are asking me to feed their kids so it shouldn't matter to me if they have 10! Just don't expect me to remember all their names much less their birthdays. Their own grandmother can't even do that.

Isn't it funny how stuff like that can get your goat? I learned (via MYSPACE of all places!!) my younger half sister is knocked up. She just turned 19. I hate to say, but she's entered the BIT program...breeder in training. The whole mess has bothered me greatly but it's like you said. Don't expect me to remember poo. (She lives w/ our bio mom 6 hours away and has all her life. I'm not close with any of them. Our bio mom let her mom-my grandmother- adopt me when I was a tiny baby because she didn't want to deal with raising a kid..translation- she couldn't go party & be a floozy with a baby. Grandmother = mom and always has and always will be.) The kicker is they haven't told ANY of us down here she's pregnant. They don't even know we know. Oh the power of myspace.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

A Married Choosing Not To Have Kids member just checking in. Our 3 year anniversary was yesterday and it was so awesome to not have to worry about finding someone to watch the kids.

I went to a breakfast at Panera last weekend with the gals in my Sunday School class. We are all about 28-38 years old. At one point everyone was talking about kids. I remarked, "You know, I'm the only one here who doesn't have kids." Almost simultaneously all of them turned to me and said, "ENJOY IT!!!!"

I just about spit out my coffee I was laughing so hard!!

 

[luvthemouse71]

This may have been brought up, but I think it comes down to "misery loves company". I've noticed that the people in my life who pressure me to get married and start popping out kids are the most unhappy with their lives. I'm one of those ambivalent ones...meaning, I'm not opposed to marriage and MAYBE one kid if it happens but I'm not going to put my life on hold in the meantime. I hate those judgemental types who slam other people for their choices. I've known mothers like that who put other moms down because they didn't breastfeed, etc. I have a theory...I think some of these types, especially those who had an actual life before kids, are bored out of their skulls, so they approach motherhood like an obsessive hobby. You know, they have to read all the "right" books, join the perfect mommy and me group etc. It's sad really and if I ever do have or adopt a kid, all the other "perfect" moms are going to hate my guts. I'm a firm believer that a big problem in this society is that children rule the world. They're not disciplined properly, and they have an inflated sense of their own importance. A good parent, IMHO, realizes that children need to taught boundaries, manners and respect.

 

[maddhatir]

A Married Choosing Not To Have Kids member just checking in. Our 3 year anniversary was yesterday and it was so awesome to not have to worry about finding someone to watch the kids.

I went to a breakfast at Panera last weekend with the gals in my Sunday School class. We are all about 28-38 years old. At one point everyone was talking about kids. I remarked, "You know, I'm the only one here who doesn't have kids." Almost simultaneously all of them turned to me and said, "ENJOY IT!!!!"

I just about spit out my coffee I was laughing so hard!!

First.....Happy Anniversary

You mention that your friend's with kids say- ENJOY!-- I believe this is the mentality of most people with kids-- they might not want to admit it though. I am not saying people with kids don't love them or regret their decision- but I think when they make those comments- secretly they are saying "If I only knew then what I know now- Things may have been different"

 

[maddhatir]

This may have been brought up, but I think it comes down to "misery loves company". I've noticed that the people in my life who pressure me to get married and start popping out kids are the most unhappy with their lives. I'm one of those ambivalent ones...meaning, I'm not opposed to marriage and MAYBE one kid if it happens but I'm not going to put my life on hold in the meantime. I hate those judgemental types who slam other people for their choices. I've known mothers like that who put other moms down because they didn't breastfeed, etc. I have a theory...I think some of these types, especially those who had an actual life before kids, are bored out of their skulls, so they approach motherhood like an obsessive hobby. You know, they have to read all the "right" books, join the perfect mommy and me group etc. It's sad really and if I ever do have or adopt a kid, all the other "perfect" moms are going to hate my guts. I'm a firm believer that a big problem in this society is that children rule the world. They're not disciplined properly, and they have an inflated sense of their own importance. A good parent, IMHO, realizes that children need to taught boundaries, manners and respect.

Who gives a rat's a$$ what those mommies who THINK they do everything right think- They are the one's who BREED the little monsters who grow up w/o the boundries, manners and respect! But of course, they can't see that.....but WE can!

Too bad they don't have groups called "Down to Earth Mommies"- Most of those little "clicks" out there now should be called "Holier than Thou Mommies"

 

[shazy03]

Who gives a rat's a$$ what those mommies who THINK they do everything right think- They are the one's who BREED the little monsters who grow up w/o the boundries, manners and respect! But of course, they can't see that.....but WE can!
Too bad they don't have groups called "Down to Earth Mommies"- Most of those little "clicks" out there now should be called "Holier than Thou Mommies"

Totally agree, we have been married 8 years this september, together for 17, im 36yrs old and hubby 39yrs. Apart from having no maternal feelings whatsoever, with the state of society today and lack of respect, manners etc etc, the little monsters frighten the life out of me !!! Sadly its kids having kids these days and all the wisdom and life experiences thats all a valuable part of parenting, well its all falling apart. We have managed two holidays a year since 1993 to la la disney world, wouldnt been able to do that if little ones were around!!

 

[plgrn]

What big gorgeous kids you have, shazy03! What breed are they?

 

[LoveStitch626]

Who gives a rat's a$$ what those mommies who THINK they do everything right think- They are the one's who BREED the little monsters who grow up w/o the boundries, manners and respect! But of course, they can't see that.....but WE can!

Too bad they don't have groups called "Down to Earth Mommies"- Most of those little "clicks" out there now should be called "Holier than Thou Mommies"

LMAO how true!! I used to post on a TTC board back when we were actively trying. Some of those girls just blew my mind. The hardcore AP breastfeeding til the kid is 20 types because they've read a certain book and they're doing everything to a tee. I used to (well and still do when I come across one) mentally call them MommyNazis. They're the ones who don't discipline and think time outs suffice in ALL cases. I know this one girl who was a MommyNazi to the hilt. She refused to discipline her oldest and he'd constantly hurt himself couch surfing and running around like a wild hooligan. He even smashed his fingers in the oven door. Personally... and yall may disagree... but the majority of these wishy washy parents are are so pee'd off about how THEY were raised.. they're going the exact opposite of how their parents did things. I genuinely think people born in the late 70s are the LAST age bracket of people who were raised with any sort of respect/discipline (there are of course exceptions to every rule). There's a HUGE attitude difference between DH & I and DH's youngest brother. His youngest brother is going to be.. um 22 or 23 this year (I'm toeing 30 and he's going to be 31). Little bro is an arrogant self absorbed snot. I think it has to do with parents getting lax as the 90s came around because "times changed". BS if you ask me but I really hope as more people MY age are having kids and getting genuinely disgusted with how children behave now for the most part we go back to the old school ways of raising kids. With respect and discipline because whatever idiot doctor is writing these parenting "manuals" obviously doesn't have a freakin clue.

 

[shazy03]

What big gorgeous kids you have, shazy03! What breed are they?

Ahh thank you, big boy is a continental giant 18months old, nearly 22lb, and little fella, bless him a dwarf

 

[Hixski]

Hello Everyone.....
Back from Las Vegas. We had a great time. We did almost everything we wanted to. I won about $200 on quarter slots. Of course we spent alot more than that on everything else. We did not see one toddler temper tantrum. We did see a few parents pushing kids in strollers but that was it.

We flew Southwest and the FA on the flight back was a riot. She was going through the bit about seat belts, seat cushions, doors etc. She got to the part about the oxygen masks and said: "In case of loss of cabin pressure these oxygen masks will drop down. Please stop screaming and put it on your face. If you are traveling with small children, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???" Since there was not one child on the flight everyone was laughing their a$$'s off.

Just wanted to check back in and say "CHILDFREE VACATIONS ARE GREAT"!!!

 

[plgrn]

Hello Everyone.....
Back from Las Vegas. We had a great time. We did almost everything we wanted to. I won about $200 on quarter slots. Of course we spent alot more than that on everything else. We did not see one toddler temper tantrum. We did see a few parents pushing kids in strollers but that was it.

We flew Southwest and the FA on the flight back was a riot. She was going through the bit about seat belts, seat cushions, doors etc. She got to the part about the oxygen masks and said: "In case of loss of cabin pressure these oxygen masks will drop down. Please stop screaming and put it on your face. If you are traveling with small children, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???" Since there was not one child on the flight everyone was laughing their a$$'s off.

Just wanted to check back in and say "CHILDFREE VACATIONS ARE GREAT"!!!

It's good to have you back and glad you had a great time!

 

[maddhatir]

Hello Everyone.....
Back from Las Vegas. We had a great time. We did almost everything we wanted to. I won about $200 on quarter slots. Of course we spent alot more than that on everything else. We did not see one toddler temper tantrum. We did see a few parents pushing kids in strollers but that was it.

We flew Southwest and the FA on the flight back was a riot. She was going through the bit about seat belts, seat cushions, doors etc. She got to the part about the oxygen masks and said: "In case of loss of cabin pressure these oxygen masks will drop down. Please stop screaming and put it on your face. If you are traveling with small children, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???" Since there was not one child on the flight everyone was laughing their a$$'s off.

Just wanted to check back in and say "CHILDFREE VACATIONS ARE GREAT"!!!

Welcome back- glad to hear you had a good time.

I am very surprised the FA would be able to say something like w/o being worried someone may complain. You know how "they" get.