Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[DisneyPhD]

No kids. No desire. No interest. No explanations. No apologies. No one ones business.

Just two wonderful dogs.

I have noticed that many people who don't have kids do have a pet they love very much. I guess everyone does need someone to love, care for, cuddle with and think you are best.

I remember reading a newspaper article about a single actress that adopted a kid. Her friend said "she needed someone to love and cuddle after a long day at work." HELLO, get a dog!!!!!!!! that isn't why you have kids! (better yet 2 dogs so they have someone else to play with when you are at work.) You don't have to start a college fund for dogs either.

I think PrincessKitty has a very good point about being out of step with others your age that are starting familys. I remember feeling like a was joining a specail "club" when I was pregnant. There is a bound between parents I think (knowing how difficult it is.) I have also noticed that many people who do like kids are not parents have kids in their life one way or another: teacher, work (nurse, socialworker, therapsit etc...) nieces, newphews, children of friends etc.... This fills up their desire to have kids. When I used to teach preschool, or be a therapist with speical needs kids that was all the brith control motovation I needed. I got past it though when DH and I were ready to start a family.

 

[CleveRocks]

I'm a happy (and exhausted, and cash-strapped) 38 year old father of a kindergartener boy and a pre-schooler girl. My wife and I married when I was 24 and she was 22, I was just finishing grad school and she was about to start med school. We were married for almost 9 years before our son was born (by choice). During those 9 years, we lived in three different states, traveled a lot, SLEPT a lot, and endured all the questions about when we're having kids.

To the OP, try to ignore the social misfits who ask you such rude questions, or just answer with a simple "No." Don't feel compelled to give them an answer to THEIR satisfaction, because that will be impossible in most cases. Don't seek their approval because you will probably never get it. They will have their opinions about what you should do, but you and your spouse are the only ones who get to decide. All that matters is that the two of you are doing what the two of you want to do. No one else matters.

But since we're talking, I have a question ... CAN YOU BABYSIT SATURDAY NIGHT??? WE NEVER GET OUT ANYMORE!!!

-- Eric

 

[liquid]

I've been married 18 years, had 5 children, lost one to cancer. I'm not the nurturing "type" and no, one doesn't always change the minute one has a child! Still, I believe that my children are a gift from God and that motherhood is my vocation.

That said, I think it's awful that anyone would pressure any of you for a reason, or argue with you about the validity of your decision. Some people are just plain rude!

A thought - if you tell a person like this that you're too selfish to be a parent (or that you'd rather sleep or spend your money on yourself or anything like that), it will make them feel superior and make them feel justified in continuing! I think the *stern look* or the *none of your business* reply will shut them up faster!

 

[Piglet4Ever]

DH and I have been married 9 yrs. I am 33 he is 37, and we are not having any kids. We love our life the way it is, Dh is Navy and we move every three years, it is hard enough getting the two of us from place to place, I give props to all the families with kids that do it, but we don't want to! We have four nephews and 2 nieces at the moment so we are not lacking for children to love and spoil, and the best part is we can always come back to our nice calm house after a visit. Dh and and I always say we were meant to be the coolest Aunt and Uncle in the world! I am lucky my mom has never made me feel bad about our choice, my grandma's used to talk about it all the time, but now I think they get the hint that we aren't having kids. I am sure my DH's parents would love if we had kids, but they don't say anything to us about it anymore either, which I appreciate. To each his own, presonally we love our life the way it is with just the two of us!!!!!

 

[Aliki]

"We'll have children when we're ready but in the mean time, we practice a lot!"

I know, that's a rude answer but the question is too.

Thanks for the tip-- this is a line I'll most definitely use.

 

[TDC Nala]

I have noticed that many people who don't have kids do have a pet they love very much. I guess everyone does need someone to love, care for, cuddle with and think you are best

Nope. I work too much to take care of animals. I have two plants. One looks dead, though.

 

[c&ldisneylovers]

[/QUOTE] When I used to teach preschool, or be a therapist with speical needs kids that was all the brith control motovation I needed.[/QUOTE]

I am a special education teacher (resource/behavior room) and feel the same way. I love my kids but can't imagine my life if I had to go home to some of the students I work with and parent them. I imagine that one day I will have kids (I'm only 26 and have lots of time) but NO time in the near future. My job is enough BC for me

 

[hucifer]

Nope. I work too much to take care of animals. I have two plants. One looks dead, though.

Okay, that was funny.

NOT childless by choice. DH and I have been trying for 6 years. So we get the rude comments and questions too and I can't stand them.

I was in the beauty salon a few weeks ago in the waiting room. A new mom and dad were there with their infant. The baby started fussing and the new dad awkwardly picked her up and cradled her in his arms, but she still fussed. So the mom picked her up and held her upright, against her chest. The baby curled up her legs, obviously content with this position and being "chest to chest" with the mom, so it started making these unbelievably cute gurgly infant noises. It crushed me. Suddenly I absolutely lost it, right then and there and had to make a mad dash out of the salon and into my car. I bawled and bawled.

And people have the nerve to ask us when we are having children!

 

[DisneyPhD]

Nope. I work too much to take care of animals. I have two plants. One looks dead, though.

I can't seem to keep plants (or fish) alive for that mater. Luckily I am better with kids and pets!!!!!

c&ldisneylovers, I know just what you are talking about. And yes you have plently of time. I can't imagine living with some of the patients I had either. I think some of their poor parents were saints! I fell very blessed that I have 2 happy and healthy children.

hucifer, I am sorry, that is so hard. My sister in law had the same struggles. She came over for dinner tonight, she is 8 weeks pregnant right now and beside herself (she does't want to pinch herself for fear she will wake up!) I hope it happens soon for you.

 

[J.Cooper]

No kids. No desire. No interest. No explanations. No apologies. No one ones business.

Just two wonderful dogs.

I love it!!!!!!!!

 

[hucifer]

hucifer, I am sorry, that is so hard. My sister in law had the same struggles. She came over for dinner tonight, she is 8 weeks pregnant right now and beside herself (she does't want to pinch herself for fear she will wake up!) I hope it happens soon for you.

Thank you so much! I wish that for us very much.

 

[Rozzie]

We are happy to be DINKS.

I can't imagine having children. Sometimes the thought crosses my mind, until I spend time with my nephews and nieces who drive me batty. We are really happy, and the questions are dying down now, we have been married for almost 8 years. I think people are starting to realize there is no point in asking. I never would want to have a child because I thought I "needed to" bend in to societies pressures.

PhotoBearSam----looks like we might run into each other! Have a great trip, we arrive the 29th, be on property the 30th.

 

[kennancat]

I have to say that I'm really happy to see how mature this thread has stayed so far. I've participated in similar threads where it ends up breaking down into the parents vs. the childfree people.

I have to wonder if some of the people who react so negatively to the idea of choosing not to have children never realized it was a choice in their own lives and are subconsciously embarrassed or upset at that realization. I haven't been labeled as "selfish" yet by anybody for not wanting kids, and frankly, it seems really strange to me that anybody would assume I was selfish because of it. People can have kids for really selfish reasons too. I know one couple that had kids because their marriage was in trouble and they didn’t want people to know how bad it was. I know another woman that had a baby because she was afraid that her boyfriend was going to break up with her and thought that getting pregnant would make it so he couldn't dump her. I think putting parenthood on a pedestal is bad for both parents and non-parents.

DH and I are both 30 and on the fence when it comes to kids. We definitely don't want them right now. Frankly, I don't really like kids. I don't enjoy children's antics, find babies cute, etc. I do feel bad about that as a woman because sometimes I think that makes me a freak. At any rate, if our feelings don't change radically in the next 8 - 9 years, then I don't see us choosing to have children. Personally, I feel very, very strongly that every child deserves to come into this world wanted. If it were up to me, we'd license parenthood and make people show that they're emotionally and financially prepared to have children first. I know, not really possible By the way, I had a very happy childhood and am very close to my parents. That's probably part of the reason why I feel so strongly about it - I think everybody deserves to be as blessed as I was.

In the end, I think life is what you make of it. I expect most parents probably (hopefully) are glad they made the choice to have kids and can't imagine their lives any other way. I also think that people who choose not to have kids can look back at their lives and feel that they're glad they didn't have kids because they would have missed out on so many experiences. I think what's truly important is that both parties respect the others' lives and not try to trivialize them just because they made different choices.

Sorry for the long post - as you can tell, I've thought about this topic a great deal!

 

[Krissalee]

I have to wonder if some of the people who react so negatively to the idea of choosing not to have children never realized it was a choice in their own lives and are subconsciously embarrassed or upset at that realization.

I think what's truly important is that both parties respect the others' lives and not try to trivialize them just because they made different choices.

I could not agree more, kennancat, and appreciate your input greatly!

 

[spiceycat]

I think it is also a generation thing.

my mother's and even mind generation except people to have children if they could.

if they couldn't they were to adopt.

times have changed.

I love children. they are fun for a while.

they go back home to their parents.

I never planned on having children because they are so darn expensive.

I am able to surpose myself. A child and no more disney, no more vacation period.

I have a lot of I's in this post but one more.

If my father was live (he died when I was 14 years old), I would probably be married and killing people.

some people should not marry nor have children.

I would never have my own kids - lots of the illiness - allergies, insanity are passed along.

I have considered adoption. but kids need alot of time.

 

[pearlieq]

DH and I are childfree and darn happy about it at the moment! We're still on the fence as to the future, but for now we really like our life.

kennancat--I totally hear where you're coming from about licensing! I mean, really--you need a license to fish but any old idiot can reproduce!

I've only heard the "selfish" thing once or twice but it makes me livid! Having children is NOT an unselfish act--most people have kids because they want someone to love, or want to carry on their family, or want to enjoy the fun of a child, or want to be part of the nuclear family unit that they believe is "right" and "normal", or because they got carried away and their birth control failed. Not one of those reasons is altruistic. They are all "selfish"--people have kids to gratify their own wants. No kid can ask to be born. Of course, there's nothing wrong with having kids, but let's not delude ourselves that it's some kind of good work and that those who don't are somehow deficient!

 

[las3888]

Thought I would add my 2cents since this is a topic sort of near and dear to my heart.

To be as brief as I can, DH and I (married 8 yrs now and on the older side) both could have gone either way. We weren't "kid people" ...never cooed at other's babies or even noticed kids or babies (unless they were loud and obnoxious).

As my biological clock ticked and tocked we thought and prayed and had no idea what to do about having kids. Didn't really want them, but were we missing something???

Well, we did end up having DS (after 2 miscarriages). We just had him this year. I am almost 40 and DH is in mid-40s--not that age matters (yeah, right). Anyways, it just was meant to be.

We are so happy. Believe me...we were major travellers, had tons of frequent flier miles, had DVC, went on tons of cruises, loved to go to movies...I could go on and on. Anyways, DS has obviously changed our lives but really, I do mean this, for the better. I know it is so cliche to say that but I knew the day I had him that I did the right thing. I really spent alot of the pregnancy wondering and worrying how my life would change. From one who loves to travel, loves freedom, and was not in any way shape or form a kid person, I am so happy I had DS!!!

In the end after all of my rambling, my 2 cents is that you do have to do what is right for you. If you are SURE you don't want to have kids, embrace it. If you are on the fence, IMO, I think you should go for it. I now understand there is a whole part of life, really, a huge part that would be missing today if we didn't have DS this past Feb.

Good luck and best to you...enjoy you life no matter what! Lisa

 

[kennancat]

If you are on the fence, IMO, I think you should go for it.

My thought has been that if we don't have kids and realize we made a mistake, we have only hurt ourselves. If we DO have kids and realize that we made a mistake, we've now dragged an innocent child into our mess. I would think most people grow to love their children even if it wasn't what they'd planned - after all, it makes sense that we would be biologically programmed to feel that way. Unfortunately, not every parent reaches that stage, as shown by the existence of government agencies like HRS. So I'm still not sure what the right answer is, but I'm glad that it is becoming more socially acceptable to make the choice that you feel is right for you, not what society expects of you.

 

[monty]

Thought you might like to get a point of view from someone who "did change their mind". I was married at 20 and although I loved my nieces and nephews dearly,I didn't really want any of my own.(and I didn't want any boys!) Since I got married so young I figured there was heaps of time, anyway. Reach the age of 26 or so and realise despite there being plenty of times I could have fallen pregnant I have'nt, concluded there is something wrong and I should probably go and check things out, incase I change my mind in the future. Well, there were some medical problems diagnosed and I couldn't get out of my head that I may change my mind one day, so perhaps I should undertake the suggested treatment. Well...the treatment worked really well...in 3 months I was pregnant with my first child. Four years later I had my second. Fast forward to the present...the eldest is 22, my youngest will be 18 in 3 weeks.They get along great with their stepdad of 7 years and youv'e probably guessed...they are both boys.I wouldn't have wanted things any other way!!
Krisalee you do whatever feels right for you and your DH. Fate has a way of working things out!

 

[DisneyPhD]

Some very interesting answers on this thread, I too am very proud of how civil it is.

One comment. While no one every feels bad for couples in their 20's 30's 40's and 50's with out kids, I always felt sad for couples in their 70's and 80's and above with no kids. I had some patients when I was a therapist that never could have kids and they were so lonely when they were older. (they weren't able to have kids, they were deaf and she was unvolenterly sererilzed as a kis, another horrible story. ) They did have extented family that was there for them, but at this point they were very sad about never having a family of their own (not was much when they were younger since they were so active and had many friends.)

Of course there are MANY people who had kids, and their now adult children and grandchildren don't visist or care for them when they are older so that isn't a promise.

I know we one reason we were sure we wanted more then 1 child was my MIL is an only child and his mother is now 96 years old. It is so much presure to "care' for her by himself. Of course I have 3 brothers and chances are all the responibily for my parents will fall on me, so that does't always work.