Ugh-- well I finally got my missing puzzle piece. About one month ago I posted about dh saying he was really depressed, just not happy anymore, and he thought he wanted to end our marriage. At the time he also told me he just truly didn't know if he was still in love w/ me. He claimed at the time he knew he loved me, but didn't know if he was in love with me.
W/o making this incredibly long- dh has suffered on and off through the years (sometimes he can go 1+yrs w/o treatment) from depression. Sometimes it can get pretty severe, to the point it borders suicidal. Anyhow, right around the time he told me about ending our marriage- was one of the worst I had ever seen him. I've know dh since we were 12 yrs old- we have a lot of history together-we went to school together and through the years we dated off and on. We were always close. We were each others first for many things--- my first boyfriend, my first love, and eventually he went on to became my first kiss...and even another "first". However, we lost touch after school for a few yrs and I had a baby w/ someone else and he had a brief marriage. Then one day we bumped into each--and we began dating. Now we've been living together 10yrs and married 8yrs. So we have a lot of history- and I like to think we truly know each other better than anyone else knows us.
Now in the middle of all his unsureness- about our marriage- he told me the one thing in his life he can always remember knowing was that he's always loved me, always wanted to be with me, and now he had me and he's afraid the biggest mistake he'll make was to let me go. When he was married previously, I had just had my son-- we had ran into one another- and we spoke a few times. He wanted then to reconcile- but I couldn't he was married for pete's sake. Anyhow, in the end we didn't talk for 2 more yrs- and when I ran into him the next time he was divorced. Thats when our relationship started.
We've been through a lot of ups and downs and while things weren't always good-- we've always made it through- and I thought our marriage was incredibly strong. We've been through financial rock-bottom (bankruptcy), infertility, and a severe medical crisis. Along w/ depression.
I was in complete shock when he told me he might want to "leave". I never seen it coming. Things weren't great, but I figured it was just a phase and it would work itself out. Also, I will mention, what I never mentioned before. We've had some "physical" issues. There hasn't been a spark in a long time- and he has a few physical/medical issues w/ the intimate area too. I just assumed after this many years- there can't be a spark. Intimate time became very planned and routine and scarce.
Now, dh and I talked more openly and I truly think we bared our souls that week he told me he didn't know if he was in love w/ me. In the end we decided he was going to take a leave from work to come home. This was so we could work on our marriage, our physical relationship, and he could get back on regular treatment for his depression. Which I wanted to blame all our problems on his depression.
Things have been going great-- dh has been on his meds- and talking w/ his doctor. He says he's learning to deal w/ the fact he needs medication in the "physical aspect" and that he's not less of a man for it. He's working through a lot of things.
We've been talking a lot too---and slowly rebuidling anything we've neglected, including each other. Heck there has even been some spark- and I've been catching my dh innocently flirting w/ me which he hasn't done in a long, long time. Things were really improving. They were a lot like before he took the job out of town (I'm starting to think the biggest mistake ever).
The whole job out of town thing was only supposed to be for 6months. It was great money- and we were going to use it to get out of a huge hole. Only we got really dependent on the really good money- and I kept telling him there was no way he could leave. He says he started resenting that--- he felt obligated to stay but he hated being gone and missing everything. He didn't understand why I couldn't go back to work FT so he could find a job at home-which would pay less- but then we'd be together. I didn't know he had these feelings. That being said, his leave from work has turned into termination-- he no longer works out of town. Which is wonderful. We've figured in the last 2 yrs- we've only spent about 45-50 days together. That equals 6 wks out of 2 yrs. No wonder we were growing apart alittle bit.
Anyway, things really weren't bad---until right after the holiday's. He had been a bit touchy in early fall-but seemed to straighten out--but after the holiday's he got really depressed acting--almost mean- as he was angry all the time.
So, on Monday I go to work-things are great---I call at lunch--things are great. I come home early-he's in a funk. Something is not right. We go around and around for about 2 hrs of me periodically asking--are you okay, what's wrong- and me getting forced smiles and "nothing" as an answer. Only I knew something was wrong---and I knew he wanted to talk--but was unsure. I just knew. So, after dinner I kind of trapped him at the table. I started asking point blank questions-- you know is it this, is it that...I kept getting no's. I was getting really frustrated--and finally I asked---do you know what it is? He says yes--no I'm mad and sad--so I told him- "you know what it is, but you don't want to tell me, how is that supposed to make me feel any better.....so tell me this, is it all going to be okay?" he looks up at me w/ fear I've only seen once before in his eyes (when he was critcally ill in the ICU and they truly didn't know if he would make it) and says he doesn't know. My heart sank-- I know this man--and I know something is terribly wrong. My gut knew right away...right away....I've only ever asked him maybe twice before, and it was always casual conversation, but this time I had to ask- and I already knew--I asked if he had cheated on me. He barely shook his head yes. I am usually a crier---I was in such shock I couldn't even cry. Somehow, it just all made sense now--well the whole I think we might need to end this marriage made sense.
**(I do finish about 3 posts below)
W/o making this incredibly long- dh has suffered on and off through the years (sometimes he can go 1+yrs w/o treatment) from depression. Sometimes it can get pretty severe, to the point it borders suicidal. Anyhow, right around the time he told me about ending our marriage- was one of the worst I had ever seen him. I've know dh since we were 12 yrs old- we have a lot of history together-we went to school together and through the years we dated off and on. We were always close. We were each others first for many things--- my first boyfriend, my first love, and eventually he went on to became my first kiss...and even another "first". However, we lost touch after school for a few yrs and I had a baby w/ someone else and he had a brief marriage. Then one day we bumped into each--and we began dating. Now we've been living together 10yrs and married 8yrs. So we have a lot of history- and I like to think we truly know each other better than anyone else knows us.
Now in the middle of all his unsureness- about our marriage- he told me the one thing in his life he can always remember knowing was that he's always loved me, always wanted to be with me, and now he had me and he's afraid the biggest mistake he'll make was to let me go. When he was married previously, I had just had my son-- we had ran into one another- and we spoke a few times. He wanted then to reconcile- but I couldn't he was married for pete's sake. Anyhow, in the end we didn't talk for 2 more yrs- and when I ran into him the next time he was divorced. Thats when our relationship started.
We've been through a lot of ups and downs and while things weren't always good-- we've always made it through- and I thought our marriage was incredibly strong. We've been through financial rock-bottom (bankruptcy), infertility, and a severe medical crisis. Along w/ depression.
I was in complete shock when he told me he might want to "leave". I never seen it coming. Things weren't great, but I figured it was just a phase and it would work itself out. Also, I will mention, what I never mentioned before. We've had some "physical" issues. There hasn't been a spark in a long time- and he has a few physical/medical issues w/ the intimate area too. I just assumed after this many years- there can't be a spark. Intimate time became very planned and routine and scarce.
Now, dh and I talked more openly and I truly think we bared our souls that week he told me he didn't know if he was in love w/ me. In the end we decided he was going to take a leave from work to come home. This was so we could work on our marriage, our physical relationship, and he could get back on regular treatment for his depression. Which I wanted to blame all our problems on his depression.
Things have been going great-- dh has been on his meds- and talking w/ his doctor. He says he's learning to deal w/ the fact he needs medication in the "physical aspect" and that he's not less of a man for it. He's working through a lot of things.
We've been talking a lot too---and slowly rebuidling anything we've neglected, including each other. Heck there has even been some spark- and I've been catching my dh innocently flirting w/ me which he hasn't done in a long, long time. Things were really improving. They were a lot like before he took the job out of town (I'm starting to think the biggest mistake ever).
The whole job out of town thing was only supposed to be for 6months. It was great money- and we were going to use it to get out of a huge hole. Only we got really dependent on the really good money- and I kept telling him there was no way he could leave. He says he started resenting that--- he felt obligated to stay but he hated being gone and missing everything. He didn't understand why I couldn't go back to work FT so he could find a job at home-which would pay less- but then we'd be together. I didn't know he had these feelings. That being said, his leave from work has turned into termination-- he no longer works out of town. Which is wonderful. We've figured in the last 2 yrs- we've only spent about 45-50 days together. That equals 6 wks out of 2 yrs. No wonder we were growing apart alittle bit.
Anyway, things really weren't bad---until right after the holiday's. He had been a bit touchy in early fall-but seemed to straighten out--but after the holiday's he got really depressed acting--almost mean- as he was angry all the time.
So, on Monday I go to work-things are great---I call at lunch--things are great. I come home early-he's in a funk. Something is not right. We go around and around for about 2 hrs of me periodically asking--are you okay, what's wrong- and me getting forced smiles and "nothing" as an answer. Only I knew something was wrong---and I knew he wanted to talk--but was unsure. I just knew. So, after dinner I kind of trapped him at the table. I started asking point blank questions-- you know is it this, is it that...I kept getting no's. I was getting really frustrated--and finally I asked---do you know what it is? He says yes--no I'm mad and sad--so I told him- "you know what it is, but you don't want to tell me, how is that supposed to make me feel any better.....so tell me this, is it all going to be okay?" he looks up at me w/ fear I've only seen once before in his eyes (when he was critcally ill in the ICU and they truly didn't know if he would make it) and says he doesn't know. My heart sank-- I know this man--and I know something is terribly wrong. My gut knew right away...right away....I've only ever asked him maybe twice before, and it was always casual conversation, but this time I had to ask- and I already knew--I asked if he had cheated on me. He barely shook his head yes. I am usually a crier---I was in such shock I couldn't even cry. Somehow, it just all made sense now--well the whole I think we might need to end this marriage made sense.
**(I do finish about 3 posts below)
First off, hugs and tears for you during what will doubtless be some really dark days ahead.
