Marriage After An Affair (Inspired by RIDISNEYLOVERS)

[helenabear]

We were actually asked this question in our pre-Cana session... both of us came back with the answer that cheating didn't automatically mean the end of a marriage/relationship.

Some say once a cheater, always a cheater. I know for a fact, this isn't always true. Trust would be broken, but I know it can be rebuilt if both are willing to try.

 

[totalia]

Far as I'm concerned, this is the single worst possible thing to do in a relationship. I tried for almost 3 years to rebuild the trust he broke with me. I never could get over it.

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. I trusted him more than anyone in the world. He betrayed that trust. It was over.

Trust can't always be rebuilt.

 

[tandrjohn]

Originally posted by piglet too
It was a one time, one night, no sex involved type cheating.

Not flaming you here I promise! - I'm happy for you that your marriage survived your mistake and is even stronger. The only problem I had with your post was the "no sex involved type cheating" portion. Without getting too graphic, I assume that what went on was beyond kissing but short of actual intercourse. To me there is no difference in what type of sex act took place - cheating is cheating. My of my favorite (for real!) ex-president's, Bill Clinton, tried to pull this stunt, about what is sex and what is not sex, and people didn't buy it then either.

 

[piglet too]

Originally posted by tandrjohn
Not flaming you here I promise! - I'm happy for you that your marriage survived your mistake and is even stronger. The only problem I had with your post was the "no sex involved type cheating" portion. Without getting too graphic, I assume that what went on was beyond kissing but short of actual intercourse. To me there is no difference in what type of sex act took place - cheating is cheating. My of my favorite (for real!) ex-president's, Bill Clinton, tried to pull this stunt, about what is sex and what is not sex, and people didn't buy it then either.

No, actually, there was only kissing involved. At that point in my marriage, I was hardly even let my husband do anything more than kiss, and I was not about to do that with this person either. As you can tell, I fully admit that even that was cheating. I am brought to tears whenever I think about that night. I was in a bad place emotionaly and that led me to even worst place. I hurt my husband so bad and even right now I am crying for the thought of it.

We are celebrating our tenth anniversary this Friday. But we both like to say that we really became a married couple in April of 1999. That is when we finally moved out of my parents house and were able to really live. I am forever grateful for them letting us live there for almost five years. DH moved in in January of 1994 after I was pregnant with our first son, who was born that July just three weeks before our post-poned wedding. We "had" to move out after I got pregnant with our middle child but I think that was the best thing that has ever happened to us. Like I said in my original post, I could list my excuses, but they are just that. Thank you for not flaming, and I hope this better explains what I wrote the first time.

 

[missypie]

Just please, if you take a cheater back (or live with someone who is cheating), please have them checked for STDs before you take them back in the bedroom.

 

[faithinkarma]

I took him back. I was young ( meaning stupid ) and pregnant ( meaning scared ) at the time.

Believe it or not, the marriage lasted more than 25 years after that. It was never quite right, but never wrong enough to leave. And when you are in a marriage, how do you know what to compare your relationship to? All you see of other peoples' marriages is the face they present to the world. For all you know, everyone is walking around wondering " is that all there is?" And certainly my marriage was infinitely better than that of my parents, so it could not be that bad right?

Flash forward a couple of decades, and he did it again. Or rather, he got caught again. I will never know the whole truth. So, because of my own stupidity, I was starting out all over again at the age of 48 instead of 23.

Now that I am in a wonderful marriage, I realize just how lacking my first one was. But I have no regrets. My experiences made me the person I am. Instead of looking back I am grateful each day that I got a second chance.

And to answer the OP, if it ever happened again, the marriage would be over. I have come to value trust above all else.

 

[CookieGVB]

piglet too - I think it's very brave of you to admit what you did on this thread. No flames from me, and I lived with a cheater. Kudos to you and your husband for being able to hang in there and work things out. Don't take any guff from people who've never been where you were.

 

[DMickey28]

DFIance and I have talked about that as well. We both believe that there would be no chance for excuses or reasons, there would be no second chances, the door would be closed.

 

[cheyita]

As I believe Town Crier mentioned, but from the other spouse's viewpoint, I think I would have a much harder time dealing with his betrayal than he would of mine. It's hard for me to hear him say he can forgive me of infidelity when I don't know if I can forgive him.

But I don't think it's black or white either. I am just really grateful that I don't forsee this ever being a problem I have to deal with, and I feel greatly for those people that do.

 

[snoopy]

I read somewhere recently that when infidelity is uncovered in a marriage, the husband's typical response when finding his wife has cheated on him is "was he better than me?" while the wife is more concerned with "do you love her?"

No flames, please, just something I read.

 

[JVL1018]

Originally posted by Christine
After 20-plus years of marriage and two children, these types of issues are no longer so black and white for me anymore. Twenty years ago, I would've said "lose the guy." Now, I'm not sure. Having been in the workforce and around men for a long time, I've seen it all. I've seen the bazillions of reasons men cheat. Some are basically disgusting dogs and go from woman to woman and a few have been very good people who end up doing something out of their normal character--mostly because something might be lacking in their marriage (and not necessarily sex at all). In this particular case, I think if a couple truly wants to stay together, they can address these issues and move on. Once a cheat is not always a cheat. Yes, going to lunch often with a member of the opposite sex, when both of you are lacking something at home, can be very dangerous. The more time you spend together, the more you connect. In most instances, though, nothing happens.

Anyway, I'm rambling. My point here is that it isn't always easy to make a broad statement like I will leave. It really depends on the kids, the kind of life they have, how the cheater really feels about the marriage, and if it was a true and unique lapse in judgement, and so on.

I agree 100%. I have been married 12 years, no cheating on either side, and truly can't see it happening ever, but I could not throw away years of happiness, my family, everything, for what could have been a terrible mistake. It depends on the circumstances.
I just don't think it would be that cut and dried for me.
I do have a friend whose husband cheated on her, and their marriage truly is better than ever now.
I have a friend whose husband cheated on her and she tossed him, which was the absolute right decision. Each case could be different, and I couldn't say what would be right for me unless I went through it myself(God Forbid)..but I can say without a doubt that it would not be immediate grounds for divorce. Absolutely not.

 

[cats7494]

I would not be able to get past it if my DH cheated on me. I would always wonder if he would do it again...why he did it... It would break any faith or trust I had and I do not think I could get past that and have a "healthy" marriage.

When children are involved - it does add a new dimension - but I still would have to leave.

MY DH and I have talked about this and pretty much agree - no 2nd chances if we cheat.

 

[Christine]

Originally posted by snoopy
I read somewhere recently that when infidelity is uncovered in a marriage, the husband's typical response when finding his wife has cheated on him is "was he better than me?" while the wife is more concerned with "do you love her?"

No flames, please, just something I read.

Snoopy,
I've read something similar but it was more along the lines that if a woman cheats, it most always ends in divorce because the male cannot accept the competition of another male. It usually eats them up thinking of another man in their "territory". Women usually don't think in terms like that--they just wonder if it was sexual or if their DH truly had an emotional connection with the other woman. Usually, the woman can work through it (with a LOT of help). Men cannot. However, historically, women have usually been in a financial disadvantage and have been forced to work it out.

I have to also wonder (like in my particular case), if I were to leave my husband over something like this, it would severely impact my children. Both DH and I have equivalent jobs and, even in the case of adultery, I don't think I'd be awarded any huge cash settlement. We'd have to split up, sell the house, and I would literally have to rent an apartment and seriously change the way we live to do that. I think it would be extremely traumatic on my kids. You know, in many cases, when one spouse cheats, it is invisible to the kids. People are very good at hiding their affairs. They can be great parents and be there for the kids, but still have someone on the side. If my DH is a good father, good provider, etc., how would leaving the marriage help them at all. I'm not advocating that one should stay for the sake of the kids, it's just something I think about.

 

[nuts4sn00py]

I have often said, "I would get divorced before I would ever have an affair." The other thing I always say is: "I can't say what I would do until I was in that situation." My DH is very jealous & would definitely divorce me if I was to have an affair (if he didn't kill me first). His first wife had an affair & that took quite a toll on him! She remarried & just last year had an affair & is now divorced from hubby #2. I dated a guy for 5 years who cheated on me & than left me for her. Needless to say, they married & he of course cheated on her too! He just doesn't know how to be with one person. I am friends with his wife & told her: "The best thing that ever happened to me was you, because I would have married him too!" I was only 20 at the time, I've learned alot since than & would never want to hurt my DH in that way. I feel everyone has to do what would be best for them & take everything into consideration. I don't think there is one right or wrong answer to this question, you just never know what you would do until it happens to you. Just my 2 cents! Kathy

 

[NMAmy]

I just wanted to add something here. A lot of people seem to think that infidelity is a huge deal in a divorce case. In a no-fault state, it doesn't matter a smidge--at least that's my experience. So, collecting "evidence" is really not worth the time.

The whole town knew my DH was fooling around and it didn't make any difference to custody or any financial arrangements. Heck, his attorney quit on him halfway through the proceedings because he told the court that he was paying his half the bills--then went to another attorney and filed bankruptcy. Didn't find out till my check was being garnished for non-payment.

 

[onecoolmama]

Originally posted by 4cruisin
Would you, could you or have you stayed in a marriage after finding out your partner was cheating on you?
My dh and I actually discussed this before we were married and agreed there would be no 2nd chances. I firmly believe that marriage is built on trust and respect along with love and if that trust and respect is broken, I could never have the same love for that person. I would always be suspicious and it would be too much to bear. I also believe if a person cheats once, they will cheat again...and again. The first time is always the hardest. After that, it's a piece of cake.

So, what do you think?

We have had this conversation and came to the same conclusion. Ok, not entirely true. If he ever cheated on me..that is it. He wasnt as concrete if I ever cheated on him, but he knows me well enough to know that I wouldnt.

 

[blowinbubbles]

Originally posted by NMAmy
I just wanted to add something here. A lot of people seem to think that infidelity is a huge deal in a divorce case. In a no-fault state, it doesn't matter a smidge--at least that's my experience. So, collecting "evidence" is really not worth the time.

The whole town knew my DH was fooling around and it didn't make any difference to custody or any financial arrangements. Heck, his attorney quit on him halfway through the proceedings because he told the court that he was paying his half the bills--then went to another attorney and filed bankruptcy. Didn't find out till my check was being garnished for non-payment.

You are exactly right about this! I think that there are only a few states that allow adultery as grounds for divorce. Any other state--too bad! In no-fault states, a person can blatantly and repeatedly cheat on their spouse with no repercussions whatsoever. Apalling!

But OTOH, I think that sometimes collecting evidence can be beneficial, at least so confident decisions can be made.