Marriage After An Affair (Inspired by RIDISNEYLOVERS)

[missypie]

I tried to keep my first marriage together for a year after I knew DH was cheating. I was attending this very conservative Baptist church at the time and I thought I was doing the Christian thing. In fact, the only time the pastor of that church ever visitited me at my house was to ask me to take the cheating guy back after I'd finally come to my senses!

I shudder at the thought of the diseases I could have caught by sleeping with someone who was sleeping with someone else!

 

[palmtreegirl]

Originally posted by 4greatboys
I have always believed if my dh ever cheated on me it would be over. But now Im not not so sure its just that black and white. I wouldnt really know what would happen until it happened and I had all the facts. I do know I would be completely devastated. Its just a horrible situation all the way around and one I hope Im never faced with.

I agree, I don't really know what I would do because it's never happened. Sure I have an idea of what I'd do but it really all depends on the situation. If it was a one night thing with no emotional feelings I might be more likely to forgive because to me our years together far outweigh any one night mistake. But if it was a long drawn out emotional(and physical) affair where he lied to me over and over, then I'm not so sure I could ever forgive and I know I would never forget.

I think it's just one of those things that you have to go through to really ever know what you'll do, I don't think it's something that you can pre-judge or plan out what your reaction will end up being.

 

[mickeyboat]

MTE Christine, 4greatboys and Ripleysmom.

I was always adamant that I wouldn't tolerate a cheater. But I really don't know what I would do and I sure hope I bever have to find out.

Denae

 

[katerkat]

Originally posted by leahannpen
As much as I'd love to say "no second chances", I can't say for sure. It's too hard to say when you've never walked in the shoes. I just don't know, and I hope I never have to find out!!

I agree! And I do think it gets more complicated the longer you're married. Right now we only have the cats (and in case of divorce, they're MINE, no visitation!), but soon we'll have kids involved... I just don't know. And I'd like to *never* know.

 

[tandrjohn]

I have never been in this position in 10 years of marriage and I hope I never am. I cannot give a simple yes or no answer on this one. I would have a lot harder time forgiving an affair that was loving and long term than I would with a one-night-stand and everybody had too much to drink. There is also the 2 young kids to think about...honestly, I would have to face the situation before offering an opinion...

 

[SC Minnie]

I don't know what I would do either. When we were first married my parents were going through this very thing and DH and I had the talk. I told him if he ever cheated on me he wouldn't be left with a pot to p in or a window to throw it out of! I don't know now after 12 years-- if it happened one time it would depend on the circumstances. If we worked things out and it happened again there would be no next time.

I watched DM go through this most of my life. I wouldn't have stayed like she did but the last time after 35 yrs of marriage and countless affairs on his part she finally said enough. She is much happier now.

 

[sk!mom]

I'm smart enough to know that you never really know what you would do until you are actually faced with a situation, but I think that an affair would be a deal breaker to me.

I just really believe that a cheater is a cheater so once the trust was broken I don't think that I could overcome it.

 

[Towncrier]

I have to agree with those who have said that the issue is not black and white. My DW and I discussed the issue early in our marriage and both decided that there was no way that we could ever forgive the other for cheating. Thankfully this has not been an issue in our marriage. But a couple of years ago, we revisited the discussion and I told Sue that I wasn't so sure that I would leave her for being unfaithful to our wedding vows. In a nutshell, it would depend on the things that led up to the affair. I feel that we have way too much invested in our marriage to have it end over an indisgression. I think that she still feels the same way as when we first discussed this topic. If I have an affair, she and the kids will be gone. And I totally understand and respect her point of view.

Interesting topic 4cruisin. I think it's ironic that your tag reads

Does Not Respond To Controversial Threads

 

[4cruisin]

Originally posted by Towncrier
I have to agree with those who have said that the issue is not black and white. My DW and I discussed the issue early in our marriage and both decided that there was no way that we could ever forgive the other for cheating. Thankfully this has not been an issue in our marriage. But a couple of years ago, we revisited the discussion and I told Sue that I wasn't so sure that I would leave her for being unfaithful to our wedding vows. In a nutshell, it would depend on the things that led up to the affair. I feel that we have way too much invested in our marriage to have it end over an indisgression. I think that she still feels the same way as when we first discussed this topic. If I have an affair, she and the kids will be gone. And I totally understand and respect her point of view.

Interesting topic 4cruisin. I think it's ironic that your tag reads

I just start them.

Maybe I should change the wording to "Tries not to respond to controversial threads."

 

[CookieGVB]

Originally posted by 4cruisin
I just start them.

Maybe I should change the wording to "Tries not to respond to controversial threads."

Once a responder...

I stayed with a cheater for far too long. There were so many other issues, such as mental, verbal and physical abuse, and I had EXTREMELY low self-esteem. I was also worried about what my family would think.

I finally decided I'd had enough, and we left, never looking back. I get disgusted with myself from time to time when I think of the years I wasted.

 

[Poohbear123]

Sounds like ME! I did waste 6 years, and put up with the abuse, but, I got the kids, and they are OK today, 19 years later, and I have NEVER looked back! (My Ex is still alive, much to my dismay, and making others lives miserable.)

 

[Dizzy-Disney4]

I did the first time, 7 years ago. Although he claims they were never physically intimate, they had what most call an "emotional" affair. This time around, its over. Quite frankly I am relieved. HE never thought he did anything REALLY wrong last time...and thought it was no big deal....hence the hurt I felt wasnt important. Well now this go around its very friendly, but its over.
I think if u have someone that cheats once....they are more likely to do it again if forgiven. I dont regret staying or I would not have my dd...but I am glad its over.

 

[OhMari]

This sure is a hot topic. After reading the huge thread from RIDISNEYLOVERS asking for advice, then reading other threads that popped up, isn't it wierd that hardly any cheaters put their 2 cents in. There has to be someone.

 

[poohkinandpiglet]

Deal breaker

DH and I had this discussion and he knows that if it ever happened that our marriage would be over. I will not live my life looking over my shoulder and wondering. I would expect the same response from him.

Life's too short to live in emotional turmoil!

 

[Christine]

Originally posted by OhMari
This sure is a hot topic. After reading the huge thread from RIDISNEYLOVERS asking for advice, then reading other threads that popped up, isn't it wierd that hardly any cheaters put their 2 cents in. There has to be someone.

I'm sure they would if they could do so anonymously. Many people on these boards *know* each other so they don't want to spill the beans.

 

[JESW]

DH and I have discussed this and I made it quite clear that I would not stay with a cheater - and I would never cheat on him. After 17 years of marraige we are still together and plan to be forever.

Back when I was still working a friend of mine had an affair with a guy she worked with. I had suspected things but never really knew until it all came out. Her husband took her back and she ended up getting pregnant by him. Their DS will be 10 this month (and they have 2 other children) but I'm not so sure he would have stayed with her if she hadn't gotten pregnant so soon. Over the years the subject has come up and he has left for days at a time....he still sees the other guy at work. And she still doesn't have any regrets about the affair. It had been one of those "emotional" ones for a long time...they were just "friends"...and then it led to more. After seeing what her DH went through when he found out I would caution people to think things over before they inflict that kind of pain on someone... (Ok, end of lecture....just a very sore subject with me...)

Jill

 

[Teejay32]

My DH probably had a dozen internet romances over the years. Never met any of them afaik. Neither of us considered it cheating and it really didn't bother me, other than it being one more pastime of his that I wasn't a part of. We separated again for the usual reasons, and that wasn't one of them.

A few weeks after he left, I met someone online. A first for me. We went out a few times, until I found out that I did still have a marriage to work on. But he's still there. Now I get it, the emotional infidelity thing and the damage it can do to a relationship, the old (pointless) suspicion of my internet time (politics? yeah sure.) I'm a little slow. The proof of that is I think I'd still be willing to forgive DH for just about anything under the right circumstances. But he tells me that unless I'm 100% emotionally involved in saving this marriage, we might as well just get divorced. So he obviously gets it too, and he's right. He started singing a different tune pretty darn quick I think, but he's still right.

There's no point to this really, just the bunch of affair threads on the front page was nagging at me...

 

[totalia]

My ex cheated. Can you guess where that led?

 

[Galahad]

Originally posted by ripleysmom
I honestly couldn't say. I love my children and DH and don't know if I would be willing to break up my family over it.

I have always said that it would be over immediately if DW cheated.....but the more I think about the kids, etc. there is a lot at stake. Probably isn't the slam dunk I've always felt it would be.

 

[piglet too]

Ok, a one-time cheater coming out here. I did cheat on my husband about seven years ago, we had been married for about 3 years. It was a one time, one night, no sex involved type cheating. He knew right away and we went to counseling, and then I went by myself. I say that our marriage is 10000 times stronger now than it was back then. I do not have to tell any of you about the state of our marriage at the time for that is in our past. We worked hard to overcome it, and at times it still haunts us. My husband will always hurt from it, he will probally always wonder about it when I go out with friends, but he knows deep down that I will never ever do it again. If he was to do it, I would want to work on our marriage just like we did then. Mistakes happen, we are all human at can be tempted at our weakest moments. I unfortunatly failed that test but never ever will again.

Prepared for the flames.....