Marriage After An Affair (Inspired by RIDISNEYLOVERS)

[4cruisin]

Would you, could you or have you stayed in a marriage after finding out your partner was cheating on you?
My dh and I actually discussed this before we were married and agreed there would be no 2nd chances. I firmly believe that marriage is built on trust and respect along with love and if that trust and respect is broken, I could never have the same love for that person. I would always be suspicious and it would be too much to bear. I also believe if a person cheats once, they will cheat again...and again. The first time is always the hardest. After that, it's a piece of cake.

So, what do you think?

 

[tiggersmom2]

No second chances here! Toe the line.....or get the heck out!

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

Cheaters don't love nor respect their marriage partners. I tried taking my exh back after he cheated on me, but I found I just couldn't trust him. I was constantly wondering where he was. He's now married to the homewrecker. Go figure.

 

[NMAmy]

Nope--my ex was outta there. I do cringe about the fact that I was so upset about having my life turned upside down (and DD's) that I actually did consider and talk to him about taking him back. I'm so glad that I came to my senses and didn't become a doormat. That's no role model for DD.

He married the woman he had the affair with but since they were both cheating, there's a whole lot of problems now in that marriage. As far as I'm concerned, she did me a HUGE favor in the long run although I didn't feel that way at the time. They deserve each other.

I, on the other hand, have a wonderful man in my life now. I'd never have known the kind of happiness he gives me and DD if I didn't have to go through the bad stuff to get here. It makes it that much sweeter.

 

[leahannpen]

As much as I'd love to say "no second chances", I can't say for sure. It's too hard to say when you've never walked in the shoes. I just don't know, and I hope I never have to find out!!

A friend of mine had this happen (1 night fling) and though they are still having issues, they are trying to work this all out...it's not easy and it's a loooooooong haul!!

 

[Kristi1357]

Originally posted by DisneyAddict_M
Cheaters don't love nor respect their marriage partners. I tried taking my exh back after he cheated on me, but I found I just couldn't trust him. I was constantly wondering where he was. He's now married to the homewrecker. Go figure.

I never wanted to take my ex back after I found out he was cheating. But along the same lines as pp, he is now married to the homewrecker - and believe me, that is punishment in itself! She is the biggest witch I ever met!

On a side note, he was going to break up with the witch around the time our divorce was final, but she managed to get herself pregnant. She told people she did it on purpose to keep him for goodness sake! 3 years later he married her for fear of losing his kid if he didn't - and under pressure from his parents as well.

My sister ran into someone who said she was "witch's" best friend. She went on and on about how ex & witch were SO happy. This person then also said to my sister that "witch" is paranoid though that he will cheat on her the way they did to me. HELLO?!!! If you even think someone is cheating, they already are, IMO. And if you are worried about that, you certainly can't be as happy as you proclaim to be.

Sorry to ramble, but what goes around comes around. And once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

I would not take DH back if I found out he was cheating.I went through it one time and I want go through it again.

I now realize how much danger my Ex put me in by having sex with anything that would lay down with him and I will never live through that again.I feel that once a cheater always a cheater.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DH and I discussed this too. I just couldn't "work" on the marriage after an affair. If our marriage is that bad that you need to cheat than someone needs to speak up and work on it. We talk alot though, so we would do that and have done so many times. Esp. when things are totally stressed.

At the same token it is understood if you have an oops (one night stand, you just never know) then don't tell ME! If you do I will divorce you. So don't tell me unless you want a divorce.

My mom stayed with my dad. She should have left him.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by 4cruisin
Would you, could you or have you stayed in a marriage after finding out your partner was cheating on you?

Absolutely not. Someone who makes the choice to cheat, has made a choice that he (or she) does not wish to be a part of the family they promised to be a part of anymore. They often go back to cheating again.

I have too much pride. I would not tolerate it. I'm too good to waste myself on a man who does not appreciate me enough to remain faithful.

 

[jrydberg]

Well, not quite the same situation, but with my ex-wife, she essentially quit on our marriage for a period of time where she separated from me. Once she did that, it was impossible for me to believe that she had the same level of commitment to the marriage. After several months, she wanted to come back. I said no.

It's probably the toughest decision I've ever had to make.

But I firmly believe I made the right decision for me and my daughter. We're both better off for it.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by NMAmy
Nope--my ex was outta there. I do cringe about the fact that I was so upset about having my life turned upside down (and DD's) that I actually did consider and talk to him about taking him back. I'm so glad that I came to my senses and didn't become a doormat. That's no role model for DD.

ITA Better to show your DD that women deserve respect from their husbands, and that they should not tolerate a man cheating. Good for you!

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by jrydberg
Well, not quite the same situation, but with my ex-wife, she essentially quit on our marriage for a period of time where she separated from me. Once she did that, it was impossible for me to believe that she had the same level of commitment to the marriage. After several months, she wanted to come back. I said no.

It's probably the toughest decision I've ever had to make.

But I firmly believe I made the right decision for me and my daughter. We're both better off for it.

I think you made the right choice.

 

[Christine]

After 20-plus years of marriage and two children, these types of issues are no longer so black and white for me anymore. Twenty years ago, I would've said "lose the guy." Now, I'm not sure. Having been in the workforce and around men for a long time, I've seen it all. I've seen the bazillions of reasons men cheat. Some are basically disgusting dogs and go from woman to woman and a few have been very good people who end up doing something out of their normal character--mostly because something might be lacking in their marriage (and not necessarily sex at all). In this particular case, I think if a couple truly wants to stay together, they can address these issues and move on. Once a cheat is not always a cheat. Yes, going to lunch often with a member of the opposite sex, when both of you are lacking something at home, can be very dangerous. The more time you spend together, the more you connect. In most instances, though, nothing happens.

Anyway, I'm rambling. My point here is that it isn't always easy to make a broad statement like I will leave. It really depends on the kids, the kind of life they have, how the cheater really feels about the marriage, and if it was a true and unique lapse in judgement, and so on.

 

[parmtoo]

I agree with Christine.............I've seen marriages crumble over cheating, and then others seem to go on and rebuild wonderful loving marriages. I've been married for 18+ years, and have not had to deal with cheating, thankfully.

 

[grinningghost]

No. DH and I have agreed. No second chances. We both had previous relationships which were really terrible and there was no trust at all.

In my opinion, once trust has been damaged, it can never truly be repaired. And if a marriage requires "work", then it probably isn't very good anyway.

 

[Beast fan]

If DW ever cheated, oh what a party I would have. I mean, it means that I am not the lone idiot in this world. Also, her cheating, coupled with the fact that she's run over my foot before (with a car.... and yes I have pictures of said run-over foot) would mean an interesting few months in divorce court.

 

[4greatboys]

I have always believed if my dh ever cheated on me it would be over. But now Im not not so sure its just that black and white. I wouldnt really know what would happen until it happened and I had all the facts. I do know I would be completely devastated. Its just a horrible situation all the way around and one I hope Im never faced with.

 

[ripleysmom]

I honestly couldn't say. I love my children and DH and don't know if I would be willing to break up my family over it.

 

[trishy]

Christine said it brilliantly and I totally agree with Ripleysmom. Nothing more to add.

 

[snoopy]

And I ditto Christine, 4greatboys, and RM; it would depend on circumstances, and most of all, how committed we were both to repairing our marriage.