Marriage Advice

[Miss Jasmine]

I truly believe the first five years of marriage are the most difficult. I cannot tell you how many times I thought of leaving and there were times I actually did go and stay with my mom or a friend for short periods of time. Marriage is not easy. It is a lot of work. You will not always have butterflies. There will be times you want to give up. Only you and your spouse know if there is something there to save. No matter what anyone else says on this thread, it comes down to the two of you. Don't let people scare you and make you think you will be alone the rest of your life if you leave. Don't let people scare you and make you think that your situation is not ideal and you should just cut out.

Sit down and write a list of all the thinks you like about your DH, what attracted you to him in the first place. Maybe there is something you are forgetting about.

Good luck.

 

[mommaU4]

Wow...

Do you all think I have honestly realized this is the way I felt from the beginning? I am not a bad person. I may have made a mistake, but I am not a bad person.

Although I cannot speak for anyone but myself, you are not a bad person. Confused maybe. One with a lot of soul searching to do, definately. I don't believe anyone says their vows all the while hoping that one day they'll get to be divorced. I'm sure you had good intentions and really believed you were in love. And BTW, if you were truly in love once there are ways to find it again. IF that's what you want.

OFF TOPIC: Have you ever seen the movie The War of the Roses? For some reason that comes to mind right now because of what Danny Devito's character says at the end about going home and finding some spark of what first made you fall in love. Or something like that. Good movie......

 

[Christine]

If you never loved him, how did you stand there in the church and say your vows with a straight face? Were you thinking, "I'm doing this just so I have a roommate?"

There are many feelings that masquerade as true love:

Lust
The need for stability/security
Being comfortable with someone

I'm sure the OP felt that she was in love when she was standing at that alter making her vows. Sometimes we find out later that, while it may be love of some sort, it's not the kind of love that makes a marriage work.

 

[MerryPoppins]

You said your husband is your best friend. That says a lot to me. I know a lot of marriages that have worked where that is not the case. Sounds like you have something to build on. I wouldn't give up on the relationship yet. See if it can be fixed and get that counseling. You may find that leaving would be "settling".

 

[Skywalker]

For those of you who feel my Dh deserves better and I must not love him since I was being honest, I can only hope that you realize what holding things back in a relationship can do. It is not fair to my dh to not tell him how I am feeling or what I am thinking. I wasn't honest with him to hurt him. I was honest with him so that I could give my marriage an chance. QUOTE]

But it just seems unfair to put this burden on your husband, especially if you are not even sure yet yourself. There are some things that you should just work on yourself, because some things you say can wound another person for a lifetime. I mean, do you announce to your husband every time you find another man attractive, for example?

It is one thing to say that you are having problems, wrestling with feelings, etc., but quite another to say that now you don't know if you ever loved him. THAT is very painful. Over the years, did you ever say you loved him? Because if you did, you can come off now as looking quite unstable, fickle, and not to be trusted. If you do decide to stay together, don't you think any time you ever say "I love you" to him that in the back of his mind he will be thinking, "Um...yeah right. I feel so secure in that."

It is just that if you do decide you want to be in this marriage, you don't want to create hurt that your husband just cannot overcome and you wind up without him anyway. That is all I'm saying.

 

[diznygirl]

Wow...

Do you all think I have honestly realized this is the way I felt from the beginning? I am not a bad person. I may have made a mistake, but I am not a bad person.

I don't think you are a bad person - I agree that you are confused. However, you need to examine the motivation behind getting married in the first place and now the motivation, only two years later, making you think that was a mistake.

Lots of people get wrapped up in the romance surrounding a wedding. And feeling safe and secure that they have found someone, someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with them. Maybe this is you. But now you have come to realize that YOU don't want to spend the rest of your life with HIM.

You're right - making a mistake doesn't make you a bad person. But it gets complicated with this mistake cuz it involves the life of another person. You are doing the right thing by getting counseling. Either it will help you sort your feelings out so you can heal your marriage, or it will help your spouse through his feelings if the marriage ends.

Keep an open mind - and good luck.

 

[wilderness01]

You say it was a long distance relationship in the previous post. Was it always a long distance relationship? Sometimes there is a bit of intrigue when relationships are long distance or idealism. Then the everyday comes and the bloom is really off the rose. Just wondering, not flaming. I hope you figure out what you really need and do not hurt both yourself and your husband in the process. I would say to not do anything too rash or make any big decisions for at least a year. Marriage is hard and you are still in the adjustment period. Good luck to both of you.

 

[Disney Ella]

Could you possibly be suffering from depression? I ask because my sister made the same decision you are considering, only with two small children. Her husband was devastated and kept the door open for her for several years. After he started seriously dating someone else, my sister realized that her lack of feeling for him had been due to depression and realized she made a mistake and that she did really love him. She's been divorced for ten years now, and has dated at least ten men in that time, but has never found anyone she wants to commit to long-term.

Life is too short to be in an unhappy situation. I'm sure you don't want to hurt your husband, but obviously things can't continue the way they are.

 

[laura001]

I don't mean to sound mean or anything, but it does sound like you have already made up your mind and are just looking for a reason now. I hope that the counseling that you are in helps you to realize what it is that you want and gives you some peace of mind. Good wishes your way!

 

[Ziva]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say leave. Why? because if your ready to bail now because a list of things he does drive you nuts, your marriage will never the survive serious stress of having children, money issues, death etc.. Save your money, don't dangle a "carrot of hope" in the guys face with the counseling if you've already made up your mind, you'll just be delaying the inevitable. Life's too short, let him go now so he can start over and find happiness again. Good luck to you both, I hope you find what you're looking for.

 

[jbdreamer]

Wow, that seems harsh. I think it is possible to be a little "too honest". You don't have to verbalize every little hurtful thing to work this out!

Was your husband blind-sided or has their been problems for quite some time?

I truly hope you come to decision of what is best for you.

All the best.

:yes: I think you were too honest as well. That is something you can never take back. Even if you make your marriage work, your husband will always know. And that hurts.

What is the point of telling your SO hurtful things if there is nothing they can do about it?

 

[Guest17]

I am still shocked with the responses of how could I tell my husband something like that. What would you have rather I done? I know, not tell him and lead a life of lies, because afterall we said our vows and no matter what we are bound together. I am sorry, but I don't agree. No matter how much it hurts, I would want him to be honest with me.

And your responses are confusing. I am supposed to stay with him, stick it out, but he will never get over what I have said....so we are forced to live miserable together just because we got married.

I have not made up my mind. If I had, I wouldn't be going to counseling, I would have left. You all have said some great things and have put things into different perspectives for me. I am sorry that some of you think that I did something awful to DH, but life isn't perfect. I never set out to hurt this man and no matter what happens I just want the both of us to be happy.

 

[JennyMominRI]

First of all thank you. I amnot going to complain about being "flamed". You all have your right to voice your opinion and even judge if you chose to.

I didn't marry my dh to please my in-laws. In my head, our next step was moving in together. We had spent 2.5 years in a long distance relationship and I wanted to get to know him better. But when his parents made the decision to "disown" him if we moved in together, we decided the next step would be marriage.

For those of you who feel my Dh deserves better and I must not love him since I was being honest, I can only hope that you realize what holding things back in a relationship can do. .

I've been with my other half for almost 12 years,and believe me there are times when *holding back* iis very good thing.

 

[luvmy2sams]

So...you and DH were in a long-distance relationship and wanted to take the next step and move in together. His parents made a threat, so you decided to get married instead. That's a pretty big leap. Seems like you two could have moved closer together and still lived separately instead of making a lifetime commitment to satisfy mommy and daddy.

I truly hope that you are taking counseling seriously, and I second the opinion that you could also use solo counseling. Please don't try to play the card of "I only wanted to be honest with him." Lots of folks out here will tell you that in marriage there's something to be said for showing a little restraint....especially when you say you're not sure how you feel. Some sentiments uttered in the name of total honesty can have devastating and lasting effects on others.

Sounds like you have your mind made up because you seem to have an argument for everyone who questions this situation. If you truly want out, then don't prolong the inevitable. Give your DH a chance to find true love and happiness...and give yourself that chance as well. I just hope you don't look back in 10 years and wonder how you could ever let your best friend go.

Good luck.

 

[JennyMominRI]

I truly hope that you are taking counseling seriously, and I second the opinion that you could also use solo counseling. Please don't try to play the card of "I only wanted to be honest with him." Lots of folks out here will tell you that in marriage there's something to be said for showing a little restraint....especially when you say you're not sure how you feel. Some sentiments uttered in the name of total honesty can have devastating and lasting effects on others.

Good luck.

I think there is a difference between,I'm confused and I'm not sure how I feel,and saying I don't think I ever loved you.I can tell you personally what it can do,because it was said to me By my ex.. First of all you feel like a fool.You wonder how bad your own judgment is.You are sad and angry because you feel like you have been living a lie for G-d knows how long. Then when you get into new relationshios,you question yourself,because you already know that you clearly can't judge the state of a relationship.You can carry that feeling with you for years and it can effect your relationships for the rest of your life...
Even though I have moved on and spent 12 years with my soul mate,I still ask myself how I could have been so stupid and how I could havebeen such a bad judge of things
I'm not attacking the OP.. I really do feel for you.
Let me just reiterate what other posters have said,even the bEST relationships have serious downtimes where you may question yourself and your relationship. Sometimes those period may last for a long time..

 

[Skywalker]

I am still shocked with the responses of how could I tell my husband something like that. What would you have rather I done? I know, not tell him and lead a life of lies, because afterall we said our vows and no matter what we are bound together. I am sorry, but I don't agree. No matter how much it hurts, I would want him to be honest with me.
.

Hmmmm. I don't know why you are insisting that it has to be one extreme or the other. There are ways to express a desire for counselling, letting him know there are problems, etc., without throwing out something like "I don't know if I ever loved you." What exactly is that supposed to accomplish?? It is needless and hurtful...seriously, are you mad at him for some reason? I think you'd have to be pretty hostile to say something like that to your husband.

 

[alliecats]

OP, I asked this earlier but maybe you didn't see it or I didn't see it answered. Have you met someone else? Or are you dealing with feelings for someone else that have caused this to "come to a head," so to speak?

 

[SC Minnie]

Are you going to counseling by yourself or only as a couple. It sounds like you need to go to one alone to find out what YOU really want.

In one of your first posts you said you were going to couseling but didn't have faith that it would help. If your husband is a 'great guy' maybe you need to work on you (that is not intended as mean). If you don't know if you want to stay in the marriage or of you ever loved him you need really to find out why you married him. That is something only you can do.

DH and I have been together for 15 years. Have they all been good, no. Have felt like I didn't love him anymore, probably. Did I act on it, no. I asked myself the old Ann Landers(I think) question ' Would I be better off with him or without him'. That is a question only you can answer and you have to be prepared for all of the consequences of that answer.

Good luck on what ever you decide.

 

[luvmy2sams]

I think there is a difference between,I'm confused and I'm not sure how I feel,and saying I don't think I ever loved you.I can tell you personally what it can do,because it was said to me By my ex.. First of all you feel like a fool.You wonder how bad your own judgment is.You are sad and angry because you feel like you have been living a lie for G-d knows how long.Then when you get into new relationshios,you question yourself,because you alrady know that you clarly can't judge the state of a relationship.You can carry that feeling with you for years and it can effect your relationships for the rest of your life...
Even though I have moved on and spent 12 years with my soul mate,I still ask myself how I could have been so stupid and how I could havebeen such a bad judge of things
I'm not attacking the OP.. I really do feel for you.
Let me just reiterate what other posters have said,even the bEST relationships have serious downtimes where you may question yourself and your relationship. Sometimes those period may last for a long time..

I completely agree. There's a big difference between being confused and saying "I don't think I every loved you". Seems that OP is confused, and her relationship has been damaged by the emotions she has expressed. Her brutal honesty with her DH...until she is completely sure that is how she truly feels...might have been too much.

I feel for the OP and her DH. Marriage is a lot of hard work.

 

[wvjules]

While I respect everyone's advice, I'm coming in with a different view on this. I am the person she's talking about in a sense, I'm just going through the separation because of the reasons she mentioned.

I strongly urge you to continue counseling to make sure you know what you want...whether it's for the marriage to continue or not. However, I completely understand what you are saying. No, you should not have to settle, if that is what you felt you did. Even if he is a good person, treats you well, it doesn't mean you should stay for those reasons. If you truly are not "in love" with him, somewhere down the road those feelings, or lack of, will lead to bitterness and resentment toward the negative things he does. Neither one of you will be happy and that is not fair to either of you.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like.

I just have to add that this is about YOUR life. No the grass isn't always greener, but if you honestly feel like you're settling and you're truly not happy and know for certain that this marriage will never work...then you need to look out for yourself and try to make the best out of your life...for YOU.

I could have written that.