Man VS Wife

[MerMom60_94]

After your second post, it appears there's more to this than selfishness or unwillingness. It sounds like your wife needs help with her anxiety issues. If you have health insurance, this should be dealt with by your physician. Only when this issue is addressed will you be able to move forward. Since she's looked, it sounds like willingness is not the issue.

You will need to put your foot down about the kids. It sounds like they are willing as well, but are getting caught up in their mom's issues.

Personally, I don't think showing this thread will help. Shaming her will not deal with an anxiety issue.

ITA with what Disykat is saying. I believe the fear your wife is feeling is very real and needs to be dealt with before she can move forward. I have a MIL who is just like her - at 72 years old she has never had to deal with decisions and being responsible for herself and now she is alone and having to face these things. I know it's scary for her and rather than handle her like a 72 year old woman with a life time of experience, I guide her and encourage her like I would my 15 year old daughter. The guidance is step by step, not high level. Perhaps your wife needs this level of guidance and encouragement. Help her list out what her life skills are (i.e. child care, cooking, cleaning, interpersonal skills, budgeting, or whatever). Then, help her relate those skills to some entry level jobs that she can apply for. I'll bet once she takes the plunge she will love being out there meeting people and trying new things! You just have to get her there. I think your short term solution is to help the kids get out there first and then all three of you can encourage your wife. Perhaps when the kids come home and talk about the excitement of their jobs it will help her see it as an adventure. Just an observation, but I find it curious that your wife is saying she doesn't believe women should work, yet her daughter is going to college. Usually people go to college if they plan on having a career of some sort. I think your wife must be open to this on some level.

Good luck.

 

[MushyMushy]

Thank you all for your support on this. As far as school goes my DD(21) just finished her first semister at collage, which was another $240.00 bill per month stressed on me but nothing is moe important than an education. My DS(18) does nothing, sleeps till 2pm gets up and plays X-Box, wathces the Yankee game,etc. Now, heres where it goes off a cliff, My kids do want to work, I have explained to them about the value of money,life etc but every time the subject arises my wife shoots it down with stuff like "how can we do this with 1 car" or " we can't afford the gas". First off, I work for a transportation company and I have rides everyday to and from work(I haven't been able to drive since Dec. 09 because of my brain issue and the high doseage of pills I take)Second, I have worked since I was 14 yrs old, I always got to work, wheres theres a will theres a way. I think my wife is afraid of being alone or afraid to admit that the kids are grown and don't "need" her like they used to. She is defiently afraid to work, we have looked together in the past and she has literally vomited because of nerves, she says that she's been nothing but a SAHM for the past 21 yrs(we have been married 22 yrs) I love my wife and kids to death but I just can't take much more. After the surgery my (2-24-10) my Dr wanted me out of work until at least July but I HAD to go back not even 4 weeks later due to NO money. I am defiently going to print this out at the end of the weekend and show them, maybe the comments of all my dis friends will help. Thanks for letting me vant and have a great weekend.

I think she needs counseling rather than a swift kick to the behind. Okay, maybe both. And you're right about where there's a will there's a way. Those kids can find work if they really want to and you should go ahead and encourage them to do so, no matter what your wife says.

 

[dogluva]

Thank you all for your support on this. As far as school goes my DD(21) just finished her first semister at collage, which was another $240.00 bill per month stressed on me but nothing is moe important than an education. My DS(18) does nothing, sleeps till 2pm gets up and plays X-Box, wathces the Yankee game,etc. Now, heres where it goes off a cliff, My kids do want to work, I have explained to them about the value of money,life etc but every time the subject arises my wife shoots it down with stuff like "how can we do this with 1 car" or " we can't afford the gas". First off, I work for a transportation company and I have rides everyday to and from work(I haven't been able to drive since Dec. 09 because of my brain issue and the high doseage of pills I take)Second, I have worked since I was 14 yrs old, I always got to work, wheres theres a will theres a way. I think my wife is afraid of being alone or afraid to admit that the kids are grown and don't "need" her like they used to. She is defiently afraid to work, we have looked together in the past and she has literally vomited because of nerves, she says that she's been nothing but a SAHM for the past 21 yrs(we have been married 22 yrs) I love my wife and kids to death but I just can't take much more. After the surgery my (2-24-10) my Dr wanted me out of work until at least July but I HAD to go back not even 4 weeks later due to NO money. I am defiently going to print this out at the end of the weekend and show them, maybe the comments of all my dis friends will help. Thanks for letting me vant and have a great weekend.

Your wife needs to see a therapist. What she is doing to you is wrong. However, sounds like she may need some help.

I don't understand how you have allowed this to go on so long. I have been married 23 years this June. My oldest son is 21. I have never not worked. I also went to school to finish my Bachlelors degree when my oldest was a baby and my masters (with four children, one an newborn). I waited tables before I became a teacher just to put food on the table. It was during the last recession so jobs were scarce. I now have six kids. I have always held a job. I also tutor and do after school programs to provide extras for my children.

My oldest son does not work during the school year. However, the minute school lets out for the summer he is working full time so he has money for the year. He also takes courses. My two daughters (17 and 15) work weekends at a grocery store. They have been since 14. They love having their own money. My oldest bought a car with cash and pays for her insurance. I am not bragging (well, really I am), just saying it can be done. Both my girls get good grades. They are happy and productive teens.

I am scared for your kids. They will have no sense of independence and work ethic. Please make them work-they will end up like your wife. Your son needs some serious intervention.

Don't forget if something happens to you, they will be in a mess of trouble.

 

[turkeymama]

Your family needs mental help. Sounds like a lot of anxiety/depression going on. Your wife needs meds and maybe your son as well.

Get some family counseling.

That should be something you do immediately!!!

You are living in a "sick house". Take steps to begin healing.

Yes, absolutely. This is very much a family problem based on OP's description of things and probably won't improve unless the entire family gets help together.

 

[mikron2]

Your wife in these time has a good life and with the money trouble you say you have is wrong not to help. I feel she is wrong both for not helping and about the kids helping.

 

[Ember]

You know, I checked out this thread due to a pet peeve of mine. The wording "man & wife" always irritates me because it implies that he (the man) is a person, while she (the wife) is simply defined through her role as his partner.

However, after reading the thread, I think the OP has is exactly right. His wife doesn't want to be treated as an equal partner in their marriage, she wants a free ride without taking on any responsibility. How anyone could put the health of someone they claim to love at risk like this boggles my mind. If it were my DH I'd have him home in bed until at least when the doctors said it was okay, if not quite a bit past. I would work two or three jobs (don't it before!) to make it happen if that what was needed. And you can bet the kids would be working, too. His family should be supporting the OP right now, not adding stress and risking his health.

 

[Planogirl]

It sounds like the wife has some problems that need to be dealt with. I'm puzzled as to why she's so against the kids working too though. Does she expect them to continue on as they are now?

You need to put your foot down, at least where the kids are concerned. You might have to handle the wife's problems a little more delicately but something needs to be done. If she is so afraid of the workplace could she do something at home? Even if she sold a little on ebay that would be something!

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think your DW might want to look into volunteering outside of the home in an area that she likes or is passionate about. Just a few hours a week. It would help her so much in getting confidence and eventually going to work. She could use the experience and she would have a reference. Small steps takes the pressure off but would go a long way towards something that can lead to a paycheck in the future.

As far as your grown kids, they need to get moving! They too should look at areas that interest them and apply themselves. I have a hard time relating to them. I got a work permit at 15 so I could work. I wanted to have a job.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It sounds like the wife has some problems that need to be dealt with. I'm puzzled as to why she's so against the kids working too though. Does she expect them to continue on as they are now?

You need to put your foot down, at least where the kids are concerned. You might have to handle the wife's problems a little more delicately but something needs to be done. If she is so afraid of the workplace could she do something at home? Even if she sold a little on ebay that would be something!

I can answer that as I have seen and lived it.

When you have a mentally ill person running the household, you are basically going to "live" according to the will of the mentally ill person.

Your role model is someone who does not have the tools to "show them the way" so to speak.

Now what they are doing is not out of malice (most of the time) however the effect is the same.

You have a child with a GAD mother and a father who is sick. The kid is being torn in both directions.

And let's face it, if mom is the one that runs the show, they are going to listen to mom. To answer your question, she is not in her normal mind, but coming from a place of anxiety, it is not rational thinking.

ETA...having a sick wife "run" your children can ruin them for the long term. OP you cannot expect someone who is unhealthy mentally to be a postive force for your kids. This should be evidence by your 18yo son's behavior.

 

[Colleen27]

I agree with the majority. I'm a long-term SAHM with no plans to ever reenter the workforce, not even once the kids are gone, but I'm also realistic and I know that plans sometimes change. I wouldn't have my DH working 85 hour weeks or the family falling behind on bills simply because I prefer not to work.

As far as the kids go, my opinion would depend on their circumstances. They're living at home. Are they in college? What sort of commute do they have? What are their transportation arrangements? I could understand college students not working during the school year if they have a long commute (if my kids live at home while going to college, they'll be spending 3hrs a day in the car to do so) or if they are busy with valuable on-campus activities, unpaid internship/volunteer work in their intended field, etc. But if they're just drifting they should absolutely be working, and regardless of the school year situation they should be working over the summer.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Your wife is not a child. Sometimes we have to grow up and take on adult responsibilities. Of course she will have anxiety over getting a job if she's never had one, but she still needs to get it together and contribute to the family income at this point.

 

[Mkrop]

OP start off small, if your DD is in school, is she free over the summer? Work on getting her a summer job. Have her use the car.

or if DS18 is not in school then he needs to be your focus. If Ds18 like to sleep in, have him get a job at a movie theater or somewhere where the hours are later.

Then finally work on your wife.

Also have all expenses been cut down to the bare bones, is your wife doing her part to scrimp and save, if she is that anxious about working?

 

[Colleen27]

Thank you all for your support on this. As far as school goes my DD(21) just finished her first semister at collage, which was another $240.00 bill per month stressed on me but nothing is moe important than an education. My DS(18) does nothing, sleeps till 2pm gets up and plays X-Box, wathces the Yankee game,etc. Now, heres where it goes off a cliff, My kids do want to work, I have explained to them about the value of money,life etc but every time the subject arises my wife shoots it down with stuff like "how can we do this with 1 car" or " we can't afford the gas". First off, I work for a transportation company and I have rides everyday to and from work(I haven't been able to drive since Dec. 09 because of my brain issue and the high doseage of pills I take)Second, I have worked since I was 14 yrs old, I always got to work, wheres theres a will theres a way. I think my wife is afraid of being alone or afraid to admit that the kids are grown and don't "need" her like they used to. She is defiently afraid to work, we have looked together in the past and she has literally vomited because of nerves, she says that she's been nothing but a SAHM for the past 21 yrs(we have been married 22 yrs) I love my wife and kids to death but I just can't take much more. After the surgery my (2-24-10) my Dr wanted me out of work until at least July but I HAD to go back not even 4 weeks later due to NO money. I am defiently going to print this out at the end of the weekend and show them, maybe the comments of all my dis friends will help. Thanks for letting me vant and have a great weekend.

Wow, what a tough situation. Your wife sounds like she needs a gentle but firm push towards counseling; there are some major issues going on there and it is having a terrible effect on the kids. They're at an age where they need her to let go, and her inability to do so if going to hurt their futures if she doesn't get help.

Does she have any hobbies or personal interests that she could use as a starting point in looking for work (or even a volunteer position) just to help build confidence? That might help ease some of the anxiety of returning to work after so many years at home.

 

[hereyago]

20 20 is hindsight, because your kids and your wife should have gotten jobs before you had the surgery. I can't imagine having to go back to work early after surgery, let alone brain surgery because I was the only one with a job.

I don't care if your wife cries at the thought of her getting a job, she is lucky you were able to have surgery and come out of it.

Tell her and the kids, get a job!!!!!!! Recovery is so vital after surgery, you need to be stress free. Your wife can babysit for a job, she wouldn't have to leave the house, has experience with kids.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

20 20 is hindsight, because your kids and your wife should have gotten jobs before you had the surgery. I can't imagine having to go back to work early after surgery, let alone brain surgery because I was the only one with a job.

I don't care if your wife cries at the thought of her getting a job, she is lucky you were able to have surgery and come out of it.

Tell her and the kids, get a job!!!!!!! Recovery is so vital after surgery, you need to be stress free. Your wife can babysit for a job, she wouldn't have to leave the house, has experience with kids.

That is a good idea, babysitting or nanny position.

 

[PelletierBears]

All should be working. If something ever happened to you, she would be really SOL.

My concern is your referring to "all MY bills". You're a household. It's everybody's bills. You need a "come to Jesus" meeting with the whole house to let them see financially what's coming in, what's going out.

As parents, we're responsible for making our children responsible adults. Responsible adults WORK for their bread and for the roof over their heads. By continuing to allow your children to suck your resources, you're failing them.

I got to page 2 and had to reply and reference the above before reading more posts...."...my bills..." you're a FAMILY!!! The bills are the family's bills!!! Food to eat, heat to stay warm, electric to see by at night, rent to have a roof over your heads, etc. Not just your bills! You and your wife are (or should be) partners in life. Neither one of you should have the burden of supporting the family alone. I'm sorry but your wife should have more respect and concern for your health then she has. Again, I'm sorry...I don't know you but this is just horribly disrespectful to you as her husband! (and would be of you if roles were reversed). This isn't the 40's when women stayed home (heck even then some women worked outside the home!)
As for the kids...most high school kids around here have part time jobs to make at least some spending money. Time to hand your young adult kids the want ads! Seriously! I worked my way through college (lived rent free at home but paid all other bills including tuition) so I have no patience for the excuse of "being in school" especially if your situation is as dire as it sounds.

I wish you all the best and hope your situation turns around soon

 

[sasywtch]

This thread is like deja vu for a good friend of mine, minus one kid.
He was diagnosed with Parkinsons and needs to work 2 more years to pay off bills before he can retire. (he could retire now if no bills at home). His wife "retired" 5 years ago at 50 because she didn't want to work anymore. She gets 40% of her retirement since she retired early. Still not enough to pay off what they need to. Their 21 year old son? Is going to college for a BA however, LOTS of time to find a part time job. He is still borrowing the car or having mom take him across town to school.

He tells the wife he needs her to go back to work part time for 2 years to help pay off bills so he can retire in two years or if his Parkinsons gets worse and he can't work. Stress isn't good for parkinsons. Her answer? My back hurts, my eyes hurt. Makes excuses for his son. Son can't get a fast food job/pizza because it makes his skin break out.

We have had the "partner" discussion, "if they were a partner, they'd want to help you" to no avail. I go along with alot of others have said. They are selfish and definitely not having your best interest in mind. BTW, my friend took a white board and showed them both the bills and payments due. Instead of them getting a job,they found ways for my friend to cut out or redo (notice the wife and child did not have to suffer by getting a job or cutting out any of their activities).

You need to play tough love. They aren't going to do it by your begging. You need to take a stand otherwise they will continue not working as they know you aren't going to do anything about it.

 

[WeLuvDiz]

Thanks to all for your feedback. It never crossed my mind that my wife might have some sort of "problem", I think counsling would be a good thing. The thing about my kids is that they DO want to work and help out but again my wife always shoots it down when mentioned and then an argument begins and I'm the type that hates arguments so I drop the issue. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about my wife either, she doesn't just sit home eating Bon-Bons, she takes care of everything in the house. I just need help with the finances and maybe now because of all your input I can approach this on a different angle.

 

[hereyago]

This thread is like deja vu for a good friend of mine, minus one kid.
He was diagnosed with Parkinsons and needs to work 2 more years to pay off bills before he can retire. (he could retire now if no bills at home). His wife "retired" 5 years ago at 50 because she didn't want to work anymore. She gets 40% of her retirement since she retired early. Still not enough to pay off what they need to. Their 21 year old son? Is going to college for a BA however, LOTS of time to find a part time job. He is still borrowing the car or having mom take him across town to school.

He tells the wife he needs her to go back to work part time for 2 years to help pay off bills so he can retire in two years or if his Parkinsons gets worse and he can't work. Stress isn't good for parkinsons. Her answer? My back hurts, my eyes hurt. Makes excuses for his son. Son can't get a fast food job/pizza because it makes his skin break out.

We have had the "partner" discussion, "if they were a partner, they'd want to help you" to no avail. I go along with alot of others have said. They are selfish and definitely not having your best interest in mind. BTW, my friend took a white board and showed them both the bills and payments due. Instead of them getting a job,they found ways for my friend to cut out or redo (notice the wife and child did not have to suffer by getting a job or cutting out any of their activities).

You need to play tough love. They aren't going to do it by your begging. You need to take a stand otherwise they will continue not working as they know you aren't going to do anything about it.

OMG! Your friend has "family" that won't help him now, can you imagine when the Parkinson's really advances? Do they know about what happens? That hits a cord with me,because my DM has beginning Parkinson's and I know how tough it is going to be.

 

[hereyago]

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about my wife either, she doesn't just sit home eating Bon-Bons, she takes care of everything in the house.

At this point, it doesn't matter if the house is sparkling clean, what matters is the family pulls together to relieve your stress so you can recover the way you should.