MAN DO I NEED YOUR HELP!-update post 273

[WishIwerethere]

Due to the injustice of that scenario (18-year-old convicted of sex crime for involvement with consenting 17-year-old in romantic relationship sanctioned by all parties and their parents), many states have enacted "Romeo and Juliet" laws which exclude these sorts of high school dating relationships from sex crime treatment.

 

[mybabesuz]

I've already posted a couple times & keep re-reading everything. Does anyone else just feel like yelling, "Tell him NO, you are just too young to get married & this is not a good situation?"

Of course, I know he is an adult & can legally do what he wants & would probably run right into the arms of this girl if told "NO" but this seems like it is a train wreck waiting to happen.

Also, OP, I'm sure your son is a fine young man, but I have two 16 year old DD's. I would not approve of them dating a 20 year old man. At this point in thier lives the things they should be interested in are different. I realize as people get older, this gap closes, but right now............... I just keep shaking my head at so many things. (& honestly, because your son is an adult it is the girls' parent's fault at this point for not setting the boundaries - these parents obviously have a screw loose somewhere)

My thoughts exactly...
Keep your money and start saving for the divorce... Sorry...
They are too immature to get married.

 

[albertamommyof4]

it is the kids wedding not the parents , the kids should decide together what they want, where they want it and how much it is going to cost. I personally think that parents hould butt out on the planning lol. If the daughter truly wants all this fancy smanzee stuff then your son and her needs to have a talk . and then if the parents are going to help just all get todether and say hey this is waht the kids want and this is how much i am contributing to the wedding.
If it is not enough then maybe the daughter needs to find a job to pay for it .
Good luck. i truly hope my kids only want t small weeding as i am not paying for it , but will contribute

 

[Inigo]

Me too, but what you gotta remember is that the mother, also an adult, is CHOOSING to continue this behavior with her daughter.

I think the mother is as much, if not more, at fault for stunting her daughter emotionally, keeping her dependent upon her, and creating and maintaining that monster. Yeah, she works in a factory, but she controls the daughter through money and probably attention, so it's worth it for her.

The daughter is a product of a very destructive mother, and was never able to escape her. Sad. And she's probably perpetuating that destructive dependency with her own children.

Most definitely. Gwen created the monster, and now she has to feed it.

 

[jmkst58]

Keep in mind, I doubt you will be able to please her in this matter. Given what you have said, she won't be happy with anything short of perfection, and will find flaws with every idea but her own.

QUOTE]

THIS IS A HUGELY IMPORTANT POINT. If you give in to them- TRUST ME- they will find something else to cause conflict around the time of the wedding anyway. Do NOT go into debt just to appease them. They CANNOT be appeased. Weddings are stressful, stressful affairs & you all will have some disagreements anyway. Let them know what you're offering now & be prepared for some battles. But honestly- even if you offered more- there will still be battles. SO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF & YOUR FAMILY. You will feel so much better when you go through this stressful time with them IF YOU HAVE PROTECTED YOURSELF & YOUR FAMILY.

My wedding day was one of the best memories of my life. But trust me- there was HUGE STRESS. Struggles. Battles. Hurt feelings. Some tears. THANK GOD we all got past it all by the time I walked down the aisle.

The vows are the only really important part of wedding anyway. I hope your son realizes that.

 

[MrsPete]

Due to the injustice of that scenario (18-year-old convicted of sex crime for involvement with consenting 17-year-old in romantic relationship sanctioned by all parties and their parents), many states have enacted "Romeo and Juliet" laws which exclude these sorts of high school dating relationships from sex crime treatment.

But he's not in high school. He COULD be branded a sex offender.

 

[Darsa]

I'm sorry, I didn't read through all 10 pages, but one thing stuck in my mind from the very first post...

she will never work because (again) princesses don't work...

WWHHHHAAAAAT??? :O :O

Your poor son... I hope he's going into this with eyes wide open... and has a REALLY good job lined up so that he can be sole supporter. I can't believe people foster that in their children nowadays, it makes me

 

[Nie0214]

I didn't read all of the replies (I will when I get home, too much drama to not read ).

I will say that I am 22-soon-to-be-23, and I can't imagine marrying at my age, let alone at theirs! The only couples I know from high school who got married right away are already divorced!

Write a reasonable check for the wedding and tell them they can plan it on their own, but even then I wouldn't give the money so far in advance either.

 

[parkers*momma]

I wish I could meet each of you in person...I WOULD HUG YOU TO DEATH!!!!

I called my son and he has read each and every reply. I think it was better that he heard it from all of us, not just me.

He really took everything everyone said to heart especially after the day he had at work. He was on first but was bumped to second shift today and all HEL* broke lose for him. She is throwing such a holy fit...telling him he will either have to get back on first or find a different job. And when he told her NO, I like my job we will just have to work around this becuase I'm not quitting she went into a tizzy. Let's just say it wasn't good.

When he came over, I left him read all the replies. From their age, the FILs, the princess attitude, what his life will be like, etc. That he actually went to look at a house to rent today. He doesn't feel comfortable coming back home since we are on first shift and he is now on second shift...he will be wound up afterwork and we will be in bed...he doesn't want to disturb us. Anyway, he went to look at this house and when it opens in 2 weeks he is going to take it.

Now for the fun part....he went home and talked to DGF and now she is totally flipping out. Just before he left to go to work, she was throwing things, screaming and crying because not only is he staying on second shift, he is wanting to rent his own place again. They would never have any time together except on the weekends.

What he doesn't know, FMIL just called me and said she is going to talk to FFIL to see if he will go along with DGF moving in with my son at the rental because DGF is distraught over DS moving out. My DS is just going to crap when he finds all this out. As he told me, he just wants things to slow down-he feels he is on a whirl wind and after what he read here on DIS- it's time to make a stand.

will it never end?

 

[disykat]

I just want to hug your son after seeing your last post! He is showing real maturity!!

 

[pixie921]

Parkers*momma -- I'm so glad your son was willing to read this thread and give it some serious thought! I feel so bad for him with all the drama, but it sounds like his eyes are being opened to what's really going on.

I really hope he can get his own place soon for some physical and emotional distance from his gf and her family. I hope he stands firm and doesn't allow her to move in!! (At least not until she's of legal age! )

The only positive thing I could see coming out of them moving in together away from her parents is that he would see her as she truly is, and I bet he'd get over her really quickly!!

Good luck to you as you try to guide and support your son through an incredibly sticky situation!!

 

[OceanAnnie]

I wish I could meet each of you in person...I WOULD HUG YOU TO DEATH!!!!

I called my son and he has read each and every reply. I think it was better that he heard it from all of us, not just me.

He really took everything everyone said to heart especially after the day he had at work. He was on first but was bumped to second shift today and all HEL* broke lose for him. She is throwing such a holy fit...telling him he will either have to get back on first or find a different job. And when he told her NO, I like my job we will just have to work around this becuase I'm not quitting she went into a tizzy. Let's just say it wasn't good.

When he came over, I left him read all the replies. From their age, the FILs, the princess attitude, what his life will be like, etc. That he actually went to look at a house to rent today. He doesn't feel comfortable coming back home since we are on first shift and he is now on second shift...he will be wound up afterwork and we will be in bed...he doesn't want to disturb us. Anyway, he went to look at this house and when it opens in 2 weeks he is going to take it.

Now for the fun part....he went home and talked to DGF and now she is totally flipping out. Just before he left to go to work, she was throwing things, screaming and crying because not only is he staying on second shift, he is wanting to rent his own place again. They would never have any time together except on the weekends.

What he doesn't know, FMIL just called me and said she is going to talk to FFIL to see if he will go along with DGF moving in with my son at the rental because DGF is distraught over DS moving out. My DS is just going to crap when he finds all this out. As he told me, he just wants things to slow down-he feels he is on a whirl wind and after what he read here on DIS- it's time to make a stand.

will it never end?

To answer your question, never, with this family. The FIL are too involved. They need to step back and out of this relationship. It's sad really.

I'm glad your DS is thinking clearly now. I hope he comes to terms with what he was on the brink of doing. The wedding and reception hijinks provide just a small window of what his life would become. I hope he stops it all for good and thinks, really thinks about his future and what he wants for his life. He would be so miserable, I felt sad for him just reading about it.

The princess is probably going to be miserable no matter what happens, because she needs to be "filled" and pampered by those around her. Honestly, I hope she realizes soon that she needs to do this for herself. And the FILs won't be happy unless things are going the way of the princess and their way. So things don't look great on that front either.

I wish them all well, but the one that stands the better chance of being happy is your DS.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I knew a girl who was kinda like FDIL back in high school. She was very pretty, was a cheerleader, and she got married young, in a huge extravaganza. They had three daughters of their own, and are now divorced. The high point of this chick's life was that she was a cheerleader in high school, and she's still got that "I deserve it all" mentality of being a princess even though she's 41 years old.

Last week, someone, who knows the family closely, was talking about her. Every since her divorce, the princess' mom has been supporting her. Mom pays her mortgage, all her bills, and gives her spending money since the princess will not work. Her mom is 60-something years old and still works in a factory just to support the princess.

My friend saw the mom give princess money last month. The princess cussed mom off since it wasn't enough money. Mom just gave her more!

That boggles my brain.

Sorry, but I'd say momma's getting what she deserves. You create the monster, you support the monster.

 

[Princess April]

Bless you and your family....
Be careful of one thing.... My DH was married before me (I like to refer to her as his starter wife ). Do want to know the only reason he got married to her? Because his family and her family said they were too immature to. His family told him that he wouldn't be able to have a wife and a family of his own because he wasn't ready... guess what? He wasn't! But that didn't stop him! He wanted to prove that he could do it, even tho she was much too young (19?) and so was he (23?) they went on with it anyway and guess what? Yep, a divorce. Luckily there were no children involved but it still hurt him (and I'm sure it hurt her as well). Yes, it was a lesson learned and I try to consider it a bit of a blessing because he was more mature for it when we got together, but just me wary on how much you try to persuade him on not marrying "the love of his life", it may just come back to bite you.

 

[Deb & Bill]

...What he doesn't know, FMIL just called me and said she is going to talk to FFIL to see if he will go along with DGF moving in with my son at the rental because DGF is distraught over DS moving out. My DS is just going to crap when he finds all this out. As he told me, he just wants things to slow down-he feels he is on a whirl wind and after what he read here on DIS- it's time to make a stand.

will it never end?

I'll be saying a prayer for your son. He sounds a lot more mature than a most of us were giving him credit for. I'd say the GF moving in will be up to your son, not to her parents.

 

[maggiew]

Wow! I didn't reply before because I just didn't know what to say. But it sounds to me like its the beginning of the end! Keep your head up and ride it out a little longer and it will all be over. (My prediction.)

Make sure she doesn't "accidently" forget to take her birth control pills or some such thing like that. If she sees it ending, she will try to rope him in one way or another.

I have a 16 y.o. DD and I just can't imagine this situation! I am still shocked that he is living there with her! There would be no way in the world I would have someone living with my DD while she was in HS. I actually thought that was illegal???

Maggie

 

[momof1princess]

Wow! I didn't reply before because I just didn't know what to say. But it sounds to me like its the beginning of the end! Keep your head up and ride it out a little longer and it will all be over. (My prediction.)

Make sure she doesn't "accidently" forget to take her birth control pills or some such thing like that. If she sees it ending, she will try to rope him in one way or another.

I have a 16 y.o. DD and I just can't imagine this situation! I am still shocked that he is living there with her! There would be no way in the world I would have someone living with my DD while she was in HS. I actually thought that was illegal???

Maggie

this is 100% true..it happened to a co-worker of DH. now his ex-wife is in jail for embezzlement and DH's co-worker is raising not only the child she "surprised" him with, but her "princess" from a previous relationship (whom he was never allowed to say a cross word to when they were married). PLEASE make sure your DS is VERY careful and takes double & triple precautions.

 

[horseshowmom]

Best wishes for your son...

I agree with a previous poster. While there's no way to make sure she takes birth control, he can take his own precautions. Of course, that may lead to further conflict, but he's got to make sure things don't take another course.

Sadly, I know someone who did this. The guy was dragging his feet about getting married, so she quit taking her pills. Of course, that wasn't the story she told him, but that's what she did. She had the baby, they stayed married for 2 or 3 years and then divorced. Very, very sad.


ETA: And I've got to add that this wannbe MIL is waaayyy over the top. Who lets their high school daughter live this way??? Your son better be careful, she may set bear traps in the driveway and try to hold him against his will! (just kidding, but really!)

 

[mrsklamc]

1. Is the princess going to be throwing parties at night when your son isn't home?

2. Check into legal issues if she moves in with him as a minor.

 

[disykat]

Best wishes for your son...


ETA: And I've got to add that this wannbe MIL is waaayyy over the top. Who lets their high school daughter live this way???

Parents who are really anxious to pass the responsibility of their hard to handle child on to someone else?