MAN DO I NEED YOUR HELP!-update post 273

[HunnyPots]

OK, after reading all of this I am still sitting herre shaking my head in disbelief. I cannot understand why you'd even consider giving any support at all to this situation. Your son is a grown man living with, and planning to marry, a child! And the child of a couple of wackos at that! What kind of person allows a 20 year old man to move into their 16 year old daughter's bedroom? This is nuts beyond belief! No way in hell would I be paying for any part of this fiasco.

 

[Keira1387]

This girl and her family are crazy! I just got married a few months ago. The biggest expense your responsible for is the RD. My mil did give us a small amount to help out, which we really appreciated. If you go to theknot.com it will breakdown who pays for what.

 

[kpadalik]

Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you are rather naive about the whole situation. You laugh or joke about some of the situations in their relationship, like she doesn't know how to cook or clean. If my son was going to marry someone like that, I would be TEACHING her to do those things. It sounds like her mother has only taught her to be spoiled, greedy, and a brat! And let me tell you, she won't go to college. And even if she does, how does she plan on paying for it? And if she doesn't plan on ever working, then why go to college? I'd be telling my son that he can live w/ me for FREE - get him out of that house. Her parents have some serious issues.

As for the wedding plans and the FIL's - you need to develop a backbone. It sounds to me like they have you right where they want you. You will end up paying for way more than you plan on and they are going to nickel and dime you to death. If you have a hall for the reception that is available, use it! They are complaining about the shape of the tables and is sounds like you are second guessing yourself as well. You are allowing the FIL's to walk all over you and if your son and his GF stay married, you are in for a lot of problems w/ those FIL's.

This girl is obviously not ready for marriage. If she was, she would be willing to work with you a bit on the plans. What is important is that they get married, and it sounds like she wants exactly what is in your title "The wedding of the century". And your son sounds like he is becoming brainwashed by his FIL's. Have everyone over, but do NOT make brunch. Tell them that if they want you to pay for certain things, that you will make the decision. If they don't like it, they can pay for it. Just point out to them not to spend a ton of money - this marriage will not last and they will need the money for her second, and her third....

Sorry this was so harsh, but both sides of the family need to WAKE UP!

 

[ncbyrne]

Good grief! You need to get a wedding etiquette book and show this woman who pays for what. As the grooms parents you do NOT pay for the wedding OR the reception! The rehearsal and the flowers fall into your pocketbook.
Ok, so that's etiquette. But IMHO, if a couple is old enough and responsible enough to get married - in this day and age, and in this economy they should cough up some $ as well.
And to live together as husband and wife without the benefit of a marriage license, in her parents home, being kept, babied and cared for as children is just wrong. Your son needs to rethink this whole situation....life's way too short to make long term mistakes.

 

[MrsPete]

Originally I was not totally taken back by the comment that she was not going to work. No flames, please. But my DH and I had the same arrangement when we got married. Don’t get me wrong, if we needed me to work I would. But he is the financial provider and I am the homemaker.

It's one thing for two adults to make that decision together . . . it's another thing for a child to announce that she will NEVER work.

The reality is that any woman COULD find herself in a position at any time in which she NEEDS to step up and become the breadwinner for the family, and a person with the "Never, never, no matter what" attitude will be an anchor around the neck of her husband instead of a partner. Even in wonderful marriages, bad things can happen that necessitate the wife NEEDING to work: layoffs, sickness or disability or even death, or just the realization that if the kids are going to have braces and avoid student loans, it's going to take a second income. The little girl whom we're discussing is completely oblivious to these very real possibilities and is just "playing princess".

I expect my two daughters to go to college, earn a degree in a profitable field, and be qualified to support a family on their own. After that, if they and their future husbands make a decision similar to yours, I have NO PROBLEM with it! I just want to know that they CAN work IF they need to do so. Somehow I don't think the OP's future in-laws have raised their daughter to think any circumstance would ever occur that would necessitate her working.

 

[MrsPete]

I also called my son tonight asking him to come home one night this week to have a heart to heart. I'm really concerned about all of this and his passiveness he has been displaying lately. He kepts telling us he loves her and want to make her happy...but he shouldn't lose focus on their future. Marriage is 50-50 and we need to remind him of that. It's give and take equally not one giver and one taker...lol

I think a heart-to-heart talk with him is an excellent starting point. If he's reasonable and can see past his emotions, he's going to recognize that she's in no way ready for marriage and he's headed for trouble.

I would be VERY CONCERNED about one thing: If he starts to get cold feet about this relationship, I'd bet she turns up pregnant. She's going to figure out a way to get what she wants, and IF he starts to show any uncertainty about the wedding or the marriage, having a baby is a sure-fire way to keep a good hold on him. I'd give him a stern warning about that -- in no uncertain terms.

 

[pixie921]

does she do poopy diapers? does she get up with sick kids in the night? I'd be asking her this....SOON!

Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you are rather naive about the whole situation. You laugh or joke about some of the situations in their relationship, like she doesn't know how to cook or clean. It sounds like her mother has only taught her to be spoiled, greedy, and a brat! And let me tell you, she won't go to college. And even if she does, how does she plan on paying for it? And if she doesn't plan on ever working, then why go to college? I'd be telling my son that he can live w/ me for FREE - get him out of that house. Her parents have some serious issues.

I would be VERY CONCERNED about one thing: If he starts to get cold feet about this relationship, I'd bet she turns up pregnant. She's going to figure out a way to get what she wants, and IF he starts to show any uncertainty about the wedding or the marriage, having a baby is a sure-fire way to keep a good hold on him. I'd give him a stern warning about that -- in no uncertain terms.

All of these posters are making GREAT points -- OP, please give some serious thought to everything they've said!

 

[Nancyg56]

Wow! What a mess your son is walking into. I agree with the poster who suggested that your son is an incidental in a wedding plan, that is not what I would want or encourage for my son. I also would not want to show him that giving into financial pressures he cannot afford to keep peace in a relationship is acceptable.

At this point I would talk to the couple about the contribution you are willing to make. If you are willing to contribute the hall and the band of your choice then stick to that. If you are willing to make a financial contribution instead then offer the amount and let them divide it as they choose. If these two want to be adults this is a good time to begin that journey. If they want the wedding of the century or if her mother wants that they can figure out how to pay for it.

I would not even take this to the parents of the Princess, your son needs to see if he can live in this situation and it would be better if he sees for himself that when it comes to making his Princess happy and to gain approval from her Mother he needs to pony up. Can he take this battle on and does he even want to?

 

[patsal]

Your poor son! He is most likely totally in love with this very immature child and he has no idea what he is in for! What state are you in? As law enforcement agents they are contributing to the delinquency of a minor and have been for quite some time. Age of consent does vary by state so it may not apply, but I doubt it!
I would have a long talk with DS and expalin the situation, suggest he move back in with you to continue saving the extra $200 per month since he will need that to pay for what is considered "his share of the wedding".
For your, I would not sign anything, I would not pay for anythign more than what ever your plan was all along for when your DS got married. She will not go to college--it would be a waste since she won't work anyway. She needs to grow and mature--as an 18yo with this kind of attitute she will not be happy married and I would ask your son how he plans to pay for his divorce. Strongly suggesting that children not play a part in this girls fantasy because they will prevent a clean break for him when this happens.

Anyone wonder if they are setting you up to be the bad guy? Maybe they know this is a bad idea, maybe they wanted to keep their DD safe until she at least graduated from HS and this was the only way they could think of to monitor control? If this is the case they may just be waiting for you to say nope not gonna happen, so you are the bad guy and they can say, sorry sweetheart but we are out of cash and since others are not going to pay up we can't give this to you. Immature child says if I can't have what I want then I won't have anythign and problem is solved except for your sons broken heart becasue I believe form what you said he really does love her.
I have to mention that I don't think they are a "good family" if they were they would not allow a child who is in high school to have a grown man living in her room! At 17 and 18 I didn't always make the best choices for myself, but my parents did put the squash on things that needed parenting!

 

[wide awake]

I had the same thought as Mrs. Pete. Your son needs to be careful or he is going to be sending his loser gf a check for the next 18-20 years.

 

[Inigo]

I knew a girl who was kinda like FDIL back in high school. She was very pretty, was a cheerleader, and she got married young, in a huge extravaganza. They had three daughters of their own, and are now divorced. The high point of this chick's life was that she was a cheerleader in high school, and she's still got that "I deserve it all" mentality of being a princess even though she's 41 years old.

Last week, someone, who knows the family closely, was talking about her. Every since her divorce, the princess' mom has been supporting her. Mom pays her mortgage, all her bills, and gives her spending money since the princess will not work. Her mom is 60-something years old and still works in a factory just to support the princess.

My friend saw the mom give princess money last month. The princess cussed mom off since it wasn't enough money. Mom just gave her more!

That boggles my brain.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I wish you the best of luck but you need to open your mouth here. Have a talk with your son and find out if he truly does want to get married and understands the commitment involved or if he is swept up into this girl's "wedding" plans. Why not tell him that if he is old enough to get married then he should be old enough not to be bringing notes home from his future inlaws for you.
What did you and your dh say when he moved in with the girl to begin with? Is he is college? Does he have a good job or a college job?
As for the wedding, well I do think you are wrong saying that it has to be your way or no way (the hall etc), but there is no way in hell that I would be an active supporter of someone treating my child and my family the way these people have treated you and yours. Why does your son allow that? Why doesn't he have the good sense to say that his parents cannot afford such things so they will have to either both work and save and get married at a later date, OR- they will have to have the type of wedding that is within the budget.

We paid for our own wedding. It never even occured to us that our parents would be paying for it. If they could have we know they would have but we most likely wouldn't have even accepted. We were adults. There are no hard fast rules as for who has to pay for what. It is not like years ago.
If you feel that you must contribute then give what you want to give, not what you are told to give (you are an adult right?) and if they don't like it then too bad so sad.
Good luck!

ETA- In this day and age who on earth encourages their children to get married right out of high school?!

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I knew a girl who was kinda like FDIL back in high school. She was very pretty, was a cheerleader, and she got married young, in a huge extravaganza. They had three daughters of their own, and are now divorced. The high point of this chick's life was that she was a cheerleader in high school, and she's still got that "I deserve it all" mentality of being a princess even though she's 41 years old.

Last week, someone, who knows the family closely, was talking about her. Every since her divorce, the princess' mom has been supporting her. Mom pays her mortgage, all her bills, and gives her spending money since the princess will not work. Her mom is 60-something years old and still works in a factory just to support the princess.

My friend saw the mom give princess money last month. The princess cussed mom off since it wasn't enough money. Mom just gave her more!

That boggles my brain.

Me too, but what you gotta remember is that the mother, also an adult, is CHOOSING to continue this behavior with her daughter.

I think the mother is as much, if not more, at fault for stunting her daughter emotionally, keeping her dependent upon her, and creating and maintaining that monster. Yeah, she works in a factory, but she controls the daughter through money and probably attention, so it's worth it for her.

The daughter is a product of a very destructive mother, and was never able to escape her. Sad. And she's probably perpetuating that destructive dependency with her own children.

 

[OceanAnnie]

OP, I'm glad you are planning a heart to heart with your DS. I caution you to be very careful in how you word things with him. Try not to bash the FDIL or her family. Speak to the circumstances as it effects your DS as much possible. If you talk badly of your FDIL or her family, you run the risk of alienating your DS.

1.) I'd tell him real love can wait. I'd tell my DS to be realistic. They are living with her parents, planning a grand elaborate event. They would be better off to get an education, find a good job, save and be prepared for the marriage than rushing to pay for a wedding with money they don't have. I'd tell him to think about waiting, and postpone the wedding. Encourage him to find a place of his own, and work on a secure future. It would be better for him and FDIL (although once he's away from the influence of that family, he may see more clearly). I'd rather have him ready for the future, any future, than living with money grabbing, overbearing people such as this. Ofcourse I'd leave the last part out, he'll find it out for himself and you won't be the bad guy.

2.) I'd tell him I love him. Ask him if he had a friend in this situation what he would advise him to do. Surely, he would see that he should make life decisions without future inlaw pressure.

3.) I agree with telling your DS to use protection from an "early" pregnancy. I'd do it from the standpoint that they don't have their own place yet, it would prolong him (them) having to live with the inlaws.

ETA- 4.) If he does not want to postpone the wedding, I'd tell him the wedding they are trying to hold is not feasible. I'd remind him I'm not rich and didn't win the lottery. The wedding plans and the money they want to spend on that one day would serve them better going towards a future home and security. They could have a smaller scale wedding (without the ostrich feathers and such) that would still be very nice. (Even if the princess and king and queen disagree)

Good luck with the talk. I hope it goes well and at the very least he will agree that the direction they are headed needs his involvement & input (and less of the FIL).

 

[toledo13]

I would have a big family meeting, sons, daughters, mothers, - EVERYONE. Just lay it all out. Don't make the kids the go-betweens- that makes it all much worse.

I would just say 'look, this is what I can afford, here are some of the best options for what I can get for the money, and if you have other ideas, I'd love to hear them'.

Do your research and then just lay it all out. This EXACT thing happened for my wedding. DH and i were 23, just out of college. My MIL and FIL payed for almost everything- rehearsal dinner, reception, honeymoon... because 1- they had the $$, 2- they're WAY too giving people and only want the best for their little boy (vomit), 3- they feel they have to impress their wealthy friends.

Now here's the thing- BECAUSE of that, I felt like it was my in laws wedding, not mine. I was the go-between of my mil and my mom, and it made my parents feel out of the loop, uncomfortable, and every other emotion you could imagine in a situation like this.

It's hard, yes, but you have to all talk it out. AND the kids need to be involved in the decisions of what is going to be happening at their wedding. Sure, it's not their money, but they're adults now and need to take that responsibility. They probably want it!

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

It's one thing for two adults to make that decision together . . . it's another thing for a child to announce that she will NEVER work.

The reality is that any woman COULD find herself in a position at any time in which she NEEDS to step up and become the breadwinner for the family, and a person with the "Never, never, no matter what" attitude will be an anchor around the neck of her husband instead of a partner. Even in wonderful marriages, bad things can happen that necessitate the wife NEEDING to work: layoffs, sickness or disability or even death, or just the realization that if the kids are going to have braces and avoid student loans, it's going to take a second income. The little girl whom we're discussing is completely oblivious to these very real possibilities and is just "playing princess".

I expect my two daughters to go to college, earn a degree in a profitable field, and be qualified to support a family on their own. After that, if they and their future husbands make a decision similar to yours, I have NO PROBLEM with it! I just want to know that they CAN work IF they need to do so. Somehow I don't think the OP's future in-laws have raised their daughter to think any circumstance would ever occur that would necessitate her working.

I don't disagree with you, I was just posting because the first time I read it I read it differently then how it seems to be. I agree that if circumstances need you to work, you should.

 

[MELSMICE]

I've already posted a couple times & keep re-reading everything. Does anyone else just feel like yelling, "Tell him NO, you are just too young to get married & this is not a good situation?"

Of course, I know he is an adult & can legally do what he wants & would probably run right into the arms of this girl if told "NO" but this seems like it is a train wreck waiting to happen.

Also, OP, I'm sure your son is a fine young man, but I have two 16 year old DD's. I would not approve of them dating a 20 year old man. At this point in thier lives the things they should be interested in are different. I realize as people get older, this gap closes, but right now............... I just keep shaking my head at so many things. (& honestly, because your son is an adult it is the girls' parent's fault at this point for not setting the boundaries - these parents obviously have a screw loose somewhere)

 

[Momto3Girls&Max]

I've already posted a couple times & keep re-reading everything. Does anyone else just feel like yelling, "Tell him NO, you are just too young to get married & this is not a good situation?"

Of course, I know he is an adult & can legally do what he wants & would probably run right into the arms of this girl if told "NO" but this seems like it is a train wreck waiting to happen.

Also, OP, I'm sure your son is a fine young man, but I have two 16 year old DD's. I would not approve of them dating a 20 year old man. At this point in thier lives the things they should be interested in are different. I realize as people get older, this gap closes, but right now............... I just keep shaking my head at so many things. (& honestly, because your son is an adult it is the girls' parent's fault at this point for not setting the boundaries - these parents obviously have a screw loose somewhere)

My thoughts exactly!

 

[Deb & Bill]

Thinking about the girl's screwy parents. Should the OP's son break up with her (remember they were so glad when the two got back together) would they consider filing charges against him for cohabitating with their minor child? Could they find a judge who would look the other way about them providing the lodging since they are in law enforcement?

My goodness, this is just getting sadder and sadder.

 

[A Mickeyfan]

Thinking about the girl's screwy parents. Should the OP's son break up with her (remember they were so glad when the two got back together) would they consider filing charges against him for cohabitating with their minor child? Could they find a judge who would look the other way about them providing the lodging since they are in law enforcement?

My goodness, this is just getting sadder and sadder.

You bring up a very very good point. I don't want to go down this road, not knowing personal info but it is also possible they could also bring up statutory rape charges and OP's son would be a sex offender if found guilty

There was a girl (high school senior) who was doing her volunteer hours at the school where I work (elem). It turned out she lived near me so I gave her a ride home one day. We were talking about this very thing & how it happened to her brother. He was 18 & dated a girl who was 17. When he broke up with her, her & her family went after him for that.. and he was found guilty strictly by his age. He had to register as a sex offender. She told me to warn my DS to never date anyone under the age of 18. This is serious business here. I had forgotten about that until you mentioned this.. There are girls that do this because they feel jilted... I have one DS & 2 DD's, so I am not taking sides here.. but girls can be mean on a break up... especially when they have a family that is that way.. and will join them in their suit.