Making conversation regarding death?

[raysnkaysmom]

I am so bad and uncomfortable on talking with people concerning the passing of a loved one. But, I'm afraid I come across as rude or uncaring when I try to avoid the issue altogether.

A girl I work with came to me a couple weeks ago to say she needed her shifts covered after tonight because her brother was very ill with cancer and they called the family to come home. I told her I'd take care of it, and told her I was sorry...

Last night, she came back to work (couple weeks have passed) and I said "Hey Vivian, how are you?"... She replied good. Now, the first thing I 'thought' of was how I wondered how her brother was...but I was so afraid to ask to get a sad response, so I didn't even ask. I know she probably thinks I don't even care about my employees...

Well, as she walked in to clock in, our boss welcomed her back and asked how her brother was. "He passed away" she answered. Our boss said he was so sorry to hear that. I said "I'm sorry".. she then proceeded to tell me she didn't make it in time..

My thing is... how do I go about bringing it up at all? I dont want people to think I"m cold or uncaring..that couldnt be farther from the truth. I just don't want answers like that because I dont want to bring about more hurt. And, I don't know how to respond!!

Any advice?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Her hurt and grief are there whether you bring it up or not.

Usually it's helpful/therapeutic for people to be able to talk about it.

All you need to say is, "How are you doing with all of this?" And then be prepared to listen.

That's all it takes.

If you have trouble with it, just think of how you would feel if you were in her shoes.

Hang in.

 

[pearlieq]

I'm sure it's very awkward to deal with, and I applaud you for trying.

I'm on the other side of it (very sick mother), so maybe I can offer some perspective.

It's totally OK to ask "How is your brother doing?" Bringing it up shows caring--it doesn't cause any more hurt. The hurt is inherent in the situation, and thinking people don't care hurts worse. If they give you a short answer like "He's hanging in there" just leave it at that. They may not want to talk any more about it. You can just say "If there's anything I can do to help please let me know."

If you get bad news, i.e. "He passed away last night", all you need to say is "I'm so sorry for your loss. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help". That shows you care while leaving the ball in their court as far as deciding if they want to talk more about it or not.

 

[powellrj]

I have been on the other side with sick and dying family and I always appreciated when someone took the time to ask. I would always thank them for asking and give a very brief update. You won't make them very any worse by asking about it, because they already feel bad. It does help to know others are thinking of you.

 

[maelstrom]

It's such an awkward thing to deal with. I honestly never know how to reply when someone gives me their condolences on the death of one of my loved ones. And when the loved one of a friend or acquaintance dies, it's hard to find the right words. Lately (unfortunately there has been a lot of death in my life recently) I've been taking to saying, "I'm very sorry for your loss" and giving the person a hug or a pat on the arm/shoulder and attending the wake.

My friend recently took her own life in a very messy way (train) and we are all still so messed up about it. She left this world on June 14th and we're still not even close to being "okay" with it. Her boyfriend recently went to the city with his daughter and they were going to take the train; he decided at the last minute not to... too many memories and emotions, as the train would've been travelling on the same tracks that my friend took her life on.

Death is such a tricky thing for those of us left behind. Even if it's not your own family member or friend who died, it could be the family member or a friend of a friend or acquaintance, and you still want to express your sympathy to that person, but not say the wrong thing and stir up bad feelings. It's so hard to deal with. And I don't think there's any right or wrong way, unfortunately.

 

[ChrizJen]

That's a very difficult situation.
My dad just recently passed away, and I had a very tough time my first few days back at work. I could tell when people wanted to say something, but felt that they couldn't or shouldn't . I could just see it in their eyes. I was almost thankful at times for the ones who didn't ask. I had such a difficult time talking about it at first. But I didn't get upset when people did ask. I found that it was actually good to talk about it. The more I talked about it, the easier it got.

As another poster said, the grief will be there whether you ask or not. And sometimes it's more awkward for you than it is for the person who's grieving. Usually just asking a general question like, "How are you holding up?" is a good ice breaker. If they feel up to telling you more, they will. If not, they'll tell you how they're doing and leave it at that.

I think you did well. And I'm sure that your co-worker could see the concern and hesitation in your face. It's usually easy to spot. So don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

That's a very difficult situation.
My dad just recently passed away, and I had a very tough time my first few days back at work. I could tell when people wanted to say something, but felt that they couldn't or shouldn't . I could just see it in their eyes. I was almost thankful at times for the ones who didn't ask. I had such a difficult time talking about it at first. But I didn't get upset when people did ask. I found that it was actually good to talk about it. The more I talked about it, the easier it got.

As another poster said, the grief will be there whether you ask or not. And sometimes it's more awkward for you than it is for the person who's grieving. Usually just asking a general question like, "How are you holding up?" is a good ice breaker. If they feel up to telling you more, they will. If not, they'll tell you how they're doing and leave it at that.

I think you did well. And I'm sure that your co-worker could see the concern and hesitation in your face. It's usually easy to spot. So don't be too hard on yourself.

I like the 'how are you holding up' part... that might be easier for me... That way I'm not actually saying "I'm sorry for..."
When my ex DHs mom passed away, I remember him telling me how SICK he was of hearing "I"m so sorry for your loss"... Of course he never said anything but 'thank you', but it was hard on him.. He was only 18 and she was 44.

Then, I had a friend I hadn't seen in about 5 yrs that I ran into at the store.. I asked how her mom was doing (there was never anything wrong with her mom, I had just worked with her so I knew her) and she started crying and said she passed away. I felt AWFUL!. She said I was the first person to ask since her mom died 2 months ago...

Maybe thats why I'm so scared to bring it up....

 

[murcor]

I always appreciated when someone took the time to ask.

It does help to know others are thinking of you.

I agree

 

[dismom2]

It's obvious you do care, so why don't you just tell her again that you are very sorry to hear about her brother. You can keep it short and simple, and if she wants to talk, she will. It will make both of you feel better.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

It's obvious you do care, so why don't you just tell her again that you are very sorry to hear about her brother. You can keep it short and simple, and if she wants to talk, she will. It will make both of you feel better.

You are right... I think it will make me feel not as guilty that I didnt ask her when I was the first one she came to about having to leave work to go be with him...

 

[NMAmy]

I
Then, I had a friend I hadn't seen in about 5 yrs that I ran into at the store.. I asked how her mom was doing (there was never anything wrong with her mom, I had just worked with her so I knew her) and she started crying and said she passed away. I felt AWFUL!. She said I was the first person to ask since her mom died 2 months ago...

Maybe thats why I'm so scared to bring it up....

You shouldn't feel awful about that. I think it's incredibly sad that no one had asked about her mom in all that time.

You've gotten good advice. One thing I always try to remember is that while I may feel awkward, the other person is feeling grief and that trumps my awkwardness. If you ask how they're doing or how their loved one is, it lets them know you care and the person has the option of telling you a little or a lot.

I'm a person who likes to process my grief on my own before I can talk about it. I'm still touched when someone asks me about it and I usually tell them that I appreciate it but I can't talk about it right now and I'll talk with them about the situation later.