Major Problem (kinda long)

[PUZZLDY5]

My son left for bootcamp July 19th. We got a letter from him about a week later saying how miserable he is and how he wans to quit. I talked to his recruiter and he said that he would be more worried if my son wasn't writing home saying he is miserable and he would bet his next paycheck that almost all of the boys there are doing the same thing. Ok I felt better after I talked to him.
I have not received a letter or a phone call since.
Fast forward to this week. He has written letters to his friends and several to his girlfriend. Every one of them said that he is still miserable and he is trying to get "kicked out"
I have written him several letters in the past few weeks telling him how much we love him and miss him and how proud we are of him.
I have talked with his girlfriend several times and told her how important it is to tell him to stay and she says that she is and I want to believe her but something in my gut says that she is encouraging him to quit.
I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. It's not like I can call him or anything. I am heartsick. I know he isn't seeing the big picture and doesn't realize that if he quits or gets "kicked out" he will be ruining his future.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

You have to really try hard to get kicked out. They don't want to kick people out. I think it crosses 90% of the minds.

He will be done with basic soon enough and then be on his way.

The girlfriend may be saying to stay, but meaning please leave and be with me. I doubt she is doing it to sabotage his success rather because she misses him.

Don't worry too much, he is probably very tired and overwhelmed with everything and missing people more than ever. Time will help. I would suggest not telling him that you miss him. Sometimes that is only harder to hear. Keep your letter upbeat and positive and remind him that he is doing the best for himself and needs to see it through.

For you

 

[GeorgeG]

Not very many recruits enjoy boot camp. The good news is that once you get through it things do get significantly better. Just tell him to stick it out and he'll be glad he did.

 

[CowboyCO]

Boot sucks. They are trying to break him and its obvious they haven't finished breaking him yet. Then they can build him back up. Tell him to tough it out - be strong. He'll regret it for the rest of his life if he doesn't.

 

[lustergirl]

Not very many recruits enjoy boot camp. The good news is that once you get through it things do get significantly better. Just tell him to stick it out and he'll be glad he did.

marine boot camp is the worse, my son hated it but it was over with really fast.

 

[AKL_Megs]

I agree with the OP who mentioned that it is REALLY hard to get kicked out.

My cousin was in boot camp for the Marines, and HATED it. He was never really a "model citizen" to begin with, and he tried his hardest to do things to make them want him to leave. They didn't.

He's stationed in Japan or somewhere over there, and even went so far as to hurt himself to come home. Okay, I am kidding, but he DID hurt his head after he took a fall and developed some sort of minor seizure disorder.

He thought for sure he was coming home.

Nope. They put him up in a military "hospital" over there until doctors cleared him.

Now he's back in action.

So, moral of that story is, it takes A LOT.

 

[kirstenb1]

You have the right mindset. He has to finish what he's started, or he'll lose self-respect.

My FIL was a career Marine. Went in enlisted, became an aircraft mechanic, and over the 20 yrs he served, he got a bachelor's then a master's degree in electrical engineering. They gave him opportunities he would have never had on his own.

He is nearly 70, and still keeps in touch with his "brothers". Although we're very different, I'm so proud of him for serving our country.

 

[cm8]

My son left for bootcamp July 19th. We got a letter from him about a week later saying how miserable he is and how he wans to quit. I talked to his recruiter and he said that he would be more worried if my son wasn't writing home saying he is miserable and he would bet his next paycheck that almost all of the boys there are doing the same thing. Ok I felt better after I talked to him.
I have not received a letter or a phone call since.
Fast forward to this week. He has written letters to his friends and several to his girlfriend. Every one of them said that he is still miserable and he is trying to get "kicked out"
I have written him several letters in the past few weeks telling him how much we love him and miss him and how proud we are of him.
I have talked with his girlfriend several times and told her how important it is to tell him to stay and she says that she is and I want to believe her but something in my gut says that she is encouraging him to quit.
I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. It's not like I can call him or anything. I am heartsick. I know he isn't seeing the big picture and doesn't realize that if he quits or gets "kicked out" he will be ruining his future.

op, may I ask why your son went Military? What I am asking is if he went voluntary or was he made to(none of my business, but just wanted to know how committed he was)? I hope that your son is able to stick it out. I think that you should send him another letter letting him know how you feel and that he may have harder issues in life to deal with if he is kicked out. He may need your help seeing the big picture. I think he needs you to help paint it for him.

 

[bumbershoot]

I know he isn't seeing the big picture and doesn't realize that if he quits or gets "kicked out" he will be ruining his future.

Might ruin his career in the military (LOL, that's fairly obvious), but ruin his entire future? Seems doubtful.

 

[robinb]

I personally would not believe a single word that a recruiter said. In any case, I think it's probably too late for cold feet and your son is stuck. Sorry it's not working out the way you and he thought it would.

 

[MoniqueU]

I have the utmost respect for our military, my best friends family have all served. I even believe they should get higher pay then PD FD and Teachers.

That being said I don't care what was going on I wouldn't want my kids to serve and luckily my oldest has a hearing issue and wouldn't make it in HUGE relief for me. My girls I don't think would even consider it but if they did I would not be supportive at all, it is a rough life to live even after you get out of bootcamp.

If your son wants out and wants to come home I would absolutley support that no questions asked. It really isn't for everyone and it is better to get out IMHO before you get to heavily involced.

I don't have any ideas of the repercussions of that but if my kid was that unhappy I would be driving right now to get them. JMHO.

 

[SandrA9810]

I know a few people that went through boot camp, and my best friend in high school went right after he got out. I still have the letters he wrote to me. Some were good days, some were hard days. I even remember one where he told me not to stop writing to him because no one else was, not even his mom. So I tried to make sure I wrote good things.
He's done 6 or 7 yrs of the Marines and he mentioned something about wanting to do Air Force or something else now. His younger brother also followed him and is in the Marines.

I only know of one person that dropped out of boot camp, and that's my BIL. He only got out because he severely injured his leg some how and couldn't complete it. He got an honorable discharge from that. But I've heard it can be really bad to say you got discharged from the military. That's just asking for low wage jobs for the next 5yrs.

 

[Junebugwv]

I am a spouse (DH is retired from the Navy) and a mom (4 sons) and I have some warm advice: stay out of the decision process. He is a man who needs to handle this situation himself.

 

[ctinct]

What branch is he in? If it is Marines, this is a fairly common situation, even if he really wanted to be there. They say there is only one way off of Parris Island, and that is to graduate. I never got that type of letter from my son, but afterwards he did say it was the hardest thing he had ever done, and he heard guys crying themselves to sleep many nights. The best thing you can do is to support him. Write him daily letters. They really don't have much time to write, so I used to send self addressed stamped envelopes with pre-written letters to myself that contained questions with check-off answers. For example, I'd ask him "For graduation, I want a)cookies, b)pizza, c) McDonald's, or d) all of the above." (Every letter he sent me was centered on food...he lost a lot of weight during boot, and he was thin to begin with.) If you can, try to make it to graduation....it is an awe inspiring experience.

You can also try to find an online support forum for yourself. If he is a Marine recruit, there used to be a forum called Marine Moms Online that was so helpful to me (don't know if it is still active), and I would guess there might be simlar ones for the other branches.

Good luck....he will make it through. In fact, if he does write to you, it is almost certain the tone of his letters will change in a few weeks from "I want out" to "I'm gonna do this."

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I am a spouse (DH is retired from the Navy) and a mom (4 sons) and I have some warm advice: stay out of the decision process. He is a man who needs to handle this situation himself.

Best advice on here!! He's an adult. He made the decision. Let him deal with it.

 

[goofyernmost]

Might ruin his career in the military (LOL, that's fairly obvious), but ruin his entire future? Seems doubtful.

Since it is an all volunteer military at this point he can leave whenever he wants and, your correct, no future harm will come to him. If, however, he "acts out" in a manner severe enough to get him thrown out...that is a horse of a different color. That results in a section 8 discharge and that can follow you everywhere you go.

The silly thing about the whole process is that the "trying to get thrown out" is exactly what is causing his misery. If one wants to get through basic training the best way to do that is to keep your mouth shut, your eyes forward and do what you are told to do, when you are told to do it. Entitlement is not a word in military language.

The fact of the matter is...he's not in Kansas anymore!

 

[ctinct]

Since it is an all volunteer military at this point he can leave whenever he wants

Not true. Up until he signed the final papers and took his oath, okay, but once you have made the final committment, you are sworn to duty.

 

[disneyfans95]

I am a spouse (DH is retired from the Navy) and a mom (4 sons) and I have some warm advice: stay out of the decision process. He is a man who needs to handle this situation himself.

Great advice there. The son is an adult and does not his mother being this involved.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since it is an all volunteer military at this point he can leave whenever he wants and, your correct, no future harm will come to him. If, however, he "acts out" in a manner severe enough to get him thrown out...that is a horse of a different color. That results in a section 8 discharge and that can follow you everywhere you go.

The silly thing about the whole process is that the "trying to get thrown out" is exactly what is causing his misery. If one wants to get through basic training the best way to do that is to keep your mouth shut, your eyes forward and do what you are told to do, when you are told to do it. Entitlement is not a word in military language.

The fact of the matter is...he's not in Kansas anymore!

Yep, to the bolded.

OP, I will be hoping that your son is not serious about causing himself harm and that it was just a bad day.

 

[pbthompson]

I went through bootcamp as did my husband. He can get out if he wants to, without doing major physical damage to himself. When I was in a couple of people dropped out. My stepson did not make it. He was miserable, got himself out without much of a hitch. Today he has 5 kids all under 7 with different mothers and a crappy job. Not what we envisioned for him.

However, I am encouraging my kids to go into the military because I think it sets them up better in life. It teaches them responsibility, honor, respect which in today's youth isn't as common as it used to be. Once they get out (if they don't decide to stay and make it a career) they can get a federal job, and veterans benefits. Hopefully they get to travel while in as well which isn't a bad gig either.

I would tell him to talk to the clergy on base. They should be able to access him/her at any time. Even if he is not religous. He is over half way there at this point. He needs to stop fighting it and focus on graduation. Key your eye on the prize so to speak.

I also agree you need to stay out of it. Tell him that you are there for him, you support him, love him are proud of him and you will be at his graduation. Let him grow up, whatever happens this is his problem now. And whatever you do, do NOT get in your car and go down there. They will tease him endlessly (same with sappy letters).

He will either man up or if he quits come home and mope for awhile or he may be happy to be out until he realizes he made a mistake and it would be a mistake to quit. But ulitmately it is his mistake to make.