mad at my son, am I wrong?

[Gail T AGAIN]

After me being up Sunday night all night, I mean all night, feeling just a truck ran me over after my shot of Avenox for MS I finally get to sleep last night. I figure a good nights sleepp is all I need and my son who is going to be 21 that knows better waltzes in the house last night at 2:30 am. I was livid. I have him up know with me while I am getting ready for work, radio blairing. I am gonna surprise him big time, when he trys to get on aol the account will be closed, I am calling as soon as I get into work. I told him find a place and move out, he said he has looked but can't afford it. I say he should be kissing my royal ***. I am so mad, what else can I do to show him I am not playing a game and itis my house, not his and there are rules. I am not strict at all but 2:30 am when the night befre I think I got a few hrs broken sleep. Thanks for letting me vent

 

[jamsmom]

I am so sorry. First, because you have had it rough the last coulple of nights and two because your son is not being as considerate as he should.

But, I do know that rent seems to be high in safe areas and maybe he should pay YOU rent

 

[Serena]

Of course you aren't wrong. . Good luck

 

[Pop Daddy]

lol, your both nuts

 

[C.Ann]

At 21 he's an adult and I would not hesitate for ONE second to tell him if he can't abide by the rules it's time for him to move out..

His attitude is disrespectful and I'm 100% sure that he's banking on your "motherly love" to keep you from telling him it's time to grow up..

Do whatever you have to - and don't feel one bit guilty about it.. He's NOT a helpless baby..

 

[Tony-NJ]

you have had a rough time lately. About your son - he's just being 21! ( Not that it's an exuse)! Be firm with him, he'll get it someday!

 

[rae519]

Is there a reason for his "attention seeking" behavior? The fastest way for children (of all ages) to get a reaction from their parents is behave in a negative manner.

Something is up with him. He is 21 chronologically, but maybe mentally/emotionally he is younger or dealing with a serious problem.

There is No excuse for this behavior and he needs to know that in a calm and rational manner.

Rae (Been there, done that)

 

[DocRafiki]

Exactly what bad behavior are you punishing? I'm not sure why you're mad. Is it because he came home too late, or that he was loud when he came home? I'm not sure what "waltzing in" means. Did he wake you up, or were you waiting up? As long as he is quiet and lets himself in, there's no reason why you should be waiting up for him. 2:30 is not late at all for a 21-year-old. And if it's the "staying up late worrying" excuse that my irrational mother always used, that doesn't make sense since he would be doing the same thing if he lived on his own. I don't know if that's what you're doing; that's just the experience I have with my control-freak parents. And now I've moved far away from them and speak to them as seldom as possible.

If he was being loud and obnoxious and woke you up, I think your reaction is right-on.

 

[CJMickeyMouse]

If my sons live at home when they are 21 (other than home for the summer from college) then they will pay rent. It may just be $100 a month, plus helping out around the house, but they will be required to pay something. Especially if they expect to come and go as they please, have their meals here, etc.

I would sit down and have a good old talk with him ASAP.

Good luck!!!

 

[Sharon A.]

I'm with docrafiki on this one. What is it that he did wrong? If he was really noisy and woke you up, I'd be ticked. But if he just came home that late, I don't see the problem.

 

[Pete's Mom]

Depends...are you mad because he came home late or because he is 21 and still living at home. Maybe I don't know the full story here and I apologize for being off base if I am, but I think instead of getting "back" at him you should sit down and discuss it adult to adult. JMHO. Sigh....I want Pete to stay 6 forever!

 

[faith]

Sorry you had some rough nights with such little sleep.(I'm sending you a PM about a bed my friend with MS loves).
I hope you and your son can sit down and talk things out. He is definitely old enough to respect the fact that it is your house, and to come home quietly. With your MS and the tough work world, high rent costs etc maybe you two can live together peacefully and help each other financially and emotionally. Family ties are very important.

 

[katerkat]

If it was him coming in late with noise that woke you up - he's wrong. I was 21 not too long ago, and I would NEVER disrepect my parents like that. I may not let them pin me down to a curfew - but I was always quiet when I came in. Same thing with my roommates in college - so why would I give my parents less respect than that?
Also, it sounds to me like he's living with you because it's convienent... Maybe I'm awful - but I'd charge him rent! Less than going rate for the area, but if he's going to be an adult, make him act like an adult! I considered living with my parents for the year between graduation and the wedding, and my parents made it clear that I would be paying rent - maybe only $300 for rent, utilities and food (which, in NJ, is a steal!) - but still something.

 

[Wagamama]

I dont see whats wrong with him coming in at 2:30 either... Like Doc said, if he was loud and noisy then you should be mad, but if he came in quietly, whats the problem?

 

[epcotfan]

Originally posted by Sharon A.
I'm with docrafiki on this one. What is it that he did wrong? If he was really noisy and woke you up, I'd be ticked. But if he just came home that late, I don't see the problem.

Ditto. I'd also give your son some notice prior to closing the aol account. If he has any services that's he's subscribed to then it could really screw them up if he loses his email address.

 

[ez]

but you might be wrong for allowing your son to live with you. I apologize, obviously I do not know your circumstances. I think it is okay for him to be living home if he is a full time local college student, who is also working to pay for his car, insurance, etc,or if he is home from college for the summer...but he is in your house, and must respect that fact. If he doesn't go to school,it would probably be better for him to not live home, but if he does, make sure he pays the same amount of rent he would pay elsewhere.I listen to a radio psycologist and she is adament about making kids leave home after high school so they can be out in the real world and learn to be an adult. Good luck to you, Gail.

 

[Laurajean1014]

I do not agree with punishing. Although I agree on punishing when permissable.

He didn't keep you up, you keeped yourself up. If he is not suppose to be out (what is his curfew?), then that needs to be addressed with your son. He must understand the rules. Also, if he works or goes to school and works, why isn't he paying for AOL? I would not take something away without explaining. I think by suprising him will only knead resentment and anger, two things that are unnecessary to ending any conflict.

My son does lots to spin my wheels, but I let him know that I got upset because of how he treated a situation and how I would (or it should) be handled. He's not to like it, only to understand it and respect it. I would not ever ask my son to move out. I would be too unhappy if he actually did.

You have lost all control of your son, your hard work in bringing him up all these years will show now. That doen't mean that you are responsible for his actions! 21 is a very competitive age. What do other 21 yo's have for curfews? Use this as knowledge to set the mutually agreeable rules with your son.

Remember, you can get in trouble at 8:00pm as well as 2:30am. It's all in the kid.

Good luck to you, and I hope you get some sleep.

 

[DocRafiki]

Editing my prior response after reading more...

I overlooked the part about closing the AOL account. Even if he came home loudly, that is not a very mature way to handle things. Very good point about messing up some of his accounts. But he should probably be paying for that himself, anyway, unless he's just using one screen name on someone else's account to save money.

 

[C.Ann]

I have to chime back in here again and question the wisdom of a 21-year old living at home with his mom - expecting all of the perks of being an "adult" (such as coming in at any hour of the night) but not taking on any of the responsibilities that go with it (such as paying rent)..

My son-in-law is an only child and lived at home with his parents until he was in his mid-twenties.. They wouldn't dream of charging him any sort of rent and he pretty much just came and went whenever he wanted to.. He knew NOTHING of the realities of living in the real world as an adult (paying rent, buying groceries, not taking 40-minute hot showers, not leaving a window wide open in the dead of winter, etc.) and when he married my DD and they bought their home, I thought the poor guy was going to go into cardiac arrest!! Suddenly buying milk where he could get a card stamped so that eventually he would get a half-gallon free became a TOP priority with him - as well as keeping the thermostat set low in the winter, not making unnecessary long-distance telephone calls, etc.

Allowing an adult child to live at home without any financial responsibilities is doing them a great DISSERVICE.. When someone wishes to be treated like an adult, they need to ACT like an adult - and that includes financial responsibility as well as respect for the people you are living with..

And in defense of Gail's situation here, I don't think she has mentioned what her sleep habits are.. For many, many years I could sleep like a rock - then somewhere along the way I became a VERY light sleeper and even someone coming in the house quietly will wake me and it takes HOURS and HOURS to get back to sleep again.. Given Gail's scenario - and the time that her son came home - I would NOT have been able to get BACK to sleep before it was time to get up for work..

Hopefully this situation has been resolved by now and the "adult" child will rethink his responsibilities..