Lying kids

[worried64]

Parenting dilemma. My two boys are 9 and 13. One of them did something (nothing major, just not so nice). Both denied it. We have grilled them, taken things away, basically grounded them for life and neither one will admit it. I know for a fact it was one of my boys.

It's not the thing they did that we're ticked about, it's the lie. And the lie keeps getting bigger and bigger and the guilty party is holding tighter and tighter to the lie. We have a hunch who it is, but not certain.

Where the heck do you go with something like this?

My kids are generally honest, especially with the big things, but this thing is really a small thing so we can't understand why the lying.

 

[NMAmy]

Hmm...if it's a small thing and they haven't lied to you before, perhaps they're telling the truth? I mean, if it's not a big deal, then why wouldn't they come clean? It could explain why they're being so adamant about it even with the groundings, etc.

Do you think one knows for sure the other one did it but isn't telling for some reason?

 

[mickeyboat]

Our 7 year old has been caught in a couple of lies before - over stuff she would probably not had gotten in trouble for if she had fessed up.

She was punished for the lie.

I am terrible at detecting lies, but DH can read the kids well. They can never lie to him and get away with it.

Would you punish for the thing that one of them did? If so, give them both the punishment.

I would definitely punish for the lie, and make sure they know that is why they are being punished. The punishment for the lie would be much harsher than for the mildly bad behavior.

And before you think your kids are terrible, and before someone on the DIS tells you they are bad kids and you are a bad parent, that is not the case at all. Kids lie. It's a fact of life. You are not always going to know when they are lying. But when you absolutely do know, you need to do something about it.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[FayeW]

I have no explaination, just sympathy. My 11 yr old son is exactly the same. Sometimes I think he actually believes the lies himself! He will get so upset that we don't believe him that he will actually cry, so I think he convinces himself that he is telling the truth. It is a huge issue here.

I don't understand it either, because he always gets in more trouble for the lying than for whatever the action was that he is lying about! We are always very clear on what he is being punished for, so I don't know why he is so stubborn and sticks to his story.

 

[worried64]

Hmm...if it's a small thing and they haven't lied to you before, perhaps they're telling the truth? I mean, if it's not a big deal, then why wouldn't they come clean? It could explain why they're being so adamant about it even with the groundings, etc.

Do you think one knows for sure the other one did it but isn't telling for some reason?

Oh, they have lied before, they aren't perfect. I just saying it's silly to lie about a small thing. One is definitely lying, no questioning that. They are both accusing each other.

 

[mamacatnv]

Kind of off topic, kind of not

When I was a kid, my Mom found matches (used) in the garage. She was livid. I knew I hadn't done it and therefore I knew my brother had. We both got punished severaly because he would not fess up. I still resent the way my Mother handled that.

On my Brothers 40th B-Day he confessed to me (duh, like I didn't already know )

I think I would offer some sort of immunity and then when you finally get a confession (hope you don't have to wait 30 years) you can address the issue of lying with the kids.

We have a "if you tell the truth and or fess up, there will be no punishment" rule in our house. It has worked really well and rarely bitten us.

FWIW - my DS cannot lie to save his life, I know just by looking at him. My DD on the other hand can lie and is dang good at it. She started in when she was about 4, the no punishment rule has actually worked the best with her because she has stopped the lying (we think ) and is outwardly honest about things that go on.

 

[worried64]

Kind of off topic, kind of not

When I was a kid, my Mom found matches (used) in the garage. She was livid. I knew I hadn't done it and therefore I knew my brother had. We both got punished severaly because he would not fess up. I still resent the way my Mother handled that.

On my Brothers 40th B-Day he confessed to me (duh, like I didn't already know )

I think I would offer some sort of immunity and then when you finally get a confession (hope you don't have to wait 30 years) you can address the issue of lying with the kids.

We have a "if you tell the truth and or fess up, there will be no punishment" rule in our house. It has worked really well and rarely bitten us.

FWIW - my DS cannot lie to save his life, I know just by looking at him. My DD on the other hand can lie and is dang good at it. She started in when she was about 4, the no punishment rule has actually worked the best with her because she has stopped the lying (we think ) and is outwardly honest about things that go on.

Thanks for your story. That's also bothering us, one kid is grounded today who hasn't done a thing wrong! We are trying the immunity thing right now. I'll let you know how it goes. I thought the odler one was guilty, but it seems like the younger one may crack.

 

[Plantlady]

Lying at our house gets you in major trouble. DS9 lost video games for a week, the last time we caught him. If it happens again, it will be 2 weeks. Our boys think the world revolves around video games, so this is successful for us.

We explain to the boys, that their word is one of the most important things. We need to be able to trust them, just like they can trust us.

Good luck, OP

 

[kelleigh1]

Kids lie. It's a fact of life.

Unfortunately, people lie. I don't think there is anyone who hasn't lied about something in their lifetime. Sometimes the lie may be to avoid hurting someone else. Sometimes it is something more.

BUT, I understand the OP being upset by this as I'm sure any parent would be. When we were kids, my parents would punish all of us if they didn't know who did it. I'm not sure that always worked, but I don't have any other ideas. I remember one time my older sister did something but wouldn't admit it. My parents decided to punish both of us (don't remember the exact punishment), but I burst into tears and they just knew that it was my sister who did it. Apparently I really didn't want to be punished.

 

[Mom2Nick]

Oh, they have lied before, they aren't perfect. I just saying it's silly to lie about a small thing. One is definitely lying, no questioning that. They are both accusing each other.

My 7yo does this. I just lie right back to her and tell her that I already know exactly what happened and she has one last chance to tell me the truth before I punish her severely for lying. Works every time

Honestly though - I think you have no choice but to punish both boys. Even though one is innocent - you have no way of knowing. The guilty party will feel even worse that his brother is bing punished for something they didn't so. Next time the guilty one may be the innocent one - so I'd point that out as well....

 

[KAMLEM]

Unfortunately, people lie. I don't think there is anyone who hasn't lied about something in their lifetime. Sometimes the lie may be to avoid hurting someone else. Sometimes it is something more.

I'm willing to be there are some people here that will come back and tell you they have never lied. That's just how it is here on the DIS!

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

Kids lie. It's a fact of life.

Sorry, but I think thats a very unfair statement. I have to say, through all my years growing up, I never lied.... I probally should have in certain situations, but I never did. So I don't think its fair to say ALL KIDS because they don't. Even as young as 4 I knew it was better to tell the truth and get in trouble, than lie about it and sit there waiting to get caught, and get in double trouble. JMHO

 

[kelleigh1]

I'm willing to be there are some people here that will come back and tell you they have never lied. That's just how it is here on the DIS!

I'm not taking that bet. But I'd bet you they'd be lying just by saying that.

 

[aprilvaca04]

I have no explaination, just sympathy. My 11 yr old son is exactly the same. Sometimes I think he actually believes the lies himself! He will get so upset that we don't believe him that he will actually cry, so I think he convinces himself that he is telling the truth. It is a huge issue here.

I don't understand it either, because he always gets in more trouble for the lying than for whatever the action was that he is lying about! We are always very clear on what he is being punished for, so I don't know why he is so stubborn and sticks to his story.

I have a daughter who he'd get along very well with...my husband can't believe how stubborn she can be sometimes I get it more than he does cause I think she gets it from me

 

[cabanafrau]

We've been through minor epidemics of lying with both girls at different times. With the first one we went through the whole standard drill of punishments, etc., with uneven results. Finally we decided to tell her that since we could not trust her to be honest with us, she could now expect the same treatment. Yes, you can go to Sara's birthday party. What? We never said you could go, too bad for you. You need posterboard for your project? Okay. Oh yeah, about that, don't feel like going to the store for that, too bad for you.

We gave each one of them the types of examples above, tailored to fit what was going on in their life at the time. We never actually had to go beyond telling them we would pull the above type stunts. It seemed to have nipped the lies in the bud.

If you want to attempt this approach, my recommendation is really think about what's important to them at the time & tailor your example lies accordingly. Make sure they know it's entirely certain you will follow through with it if they don't stop all lies immediately. Hopefully a really good discussion about what a bummer it would be to constantly wonder if mom & dad mean what they're telling you will make them re-think their lying ways.

Good luck. Been there, done that, hope I'm never going back.

 

[Erin1700]

I am not so proud of this but here is what I did once to my DD7.

She was lying about something and I knew it. Little stinker would not admit it. So, I told her if she told me the truth she would not be punished.
So she came clean after a long time.
Then I punished her anyway! She said "But you said I would not be punished!" I said "I lied...now how do you like it?"

She has NEVER lied again! Go ahead and bash me, I don't claim to be parent of the year. Looking back I don't think I would do the same thing again, but in the heat of anger I did.

 

[mickeyboat]

I'm willing to be there are some people here that will come back and tell you they have never lied. That's just how it is here on the DIS!

Sorry, but I think thats a very unfair statement. I have to say, through all my years growing up, I never lied....

There you go! The very next post.

And SharpMom - my point was not that every single kid in the world has lied before. The point was that it is normal for kids to lie. That does not make it right, but it doesn't mean your kid is going to be in jail by the time he is 16.

 

[freckles and boo]

One of the benefits of having a kid with autism is that she never lies.

"Did you spill the cookies all over the floor?"
"Yes. I made a mess. Look at all the ants".

I hope one day that she does learn HOW to lie, although I don't want her turning into a big liar. It will be a sign of major social development.

Her older sister, on the other hand... she lost her Pokemon cards for two weeks because of a stupid lie and she still gets caught from time to time.

 

[mselly13]

Both of my step kids lied a lot. Especially SS. It was awful. It actually ended up being the reason he moved out when he did.
In your situation I would say take each kid for a ride. Go get an ice cream, run to the store for something. Just take them each seperately and talk. One might end up confessing the other might end up snitching. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it does. Other times I found nothing worked. My SS wouldn't tell the truth to save his life, it was and is the bad.

He once took $100 from my wallet. He tried to tell us that the cat, opened my purse, took out the wallet, opened the wallet, and then took $100 and he couldn't find it. I am not kidding.

He once showed us something he took from his grandmother and then tried to tell us he found it in the woods, even though grandmother had shown it to me. He just wouldn't admit to it.

I could go on and on...maybe I'll start a thread for funniest lie a kid has ever told you.

 

[shortbun]

They are loyal brothers and covering for each other. The non guilty one is willing to take punishment for the guilty one. Let that be the consequences. Let the punishment stand and drop it.