Lunch with coworkers

[Disneylover99]

I really do find the different responses to this thread interesting. I guess we all see things differently. For example, if I have taken a vow of never eating M&M's again, it wouldn't matter if people offered them to me all day long. I wouldn't eat them. And I assune DH wouldn't either. Yeah, they may look good, but I made a vow. And if DH chose to break that vow, I'd understand he wasn't who I thought he was all along.
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I don't really like M&M's, but if somebody offered me one everyday, or if someone left them out on a table......eventually, I might eat one.

My point is, trust in a relationship is healthy, but don't be complacent in your marriage or naive enough to think a betrayal couldn't happen to you. It could happen to anyone.

I do know a few people who were completely blindsided by an office affair.

 

[WDWBarb]

I don't really like M&M's, but if somebody offered me one everyday, or if someone left them out on a table......eventually, I might eat one.

My point is, trust in a relationship is healthy, but don't be complacent in your marriage or naive enough to think a betrayal couldn't happen to you. It could happen to anyone.

I do know a few people who were completely blindsided by an office affair.

LOL - I actually have kind of taken a vow to not eat M&Ms because I'm a vegan. But when I was a vegetarian, I loved them (the peanut ones especially). One of my employees keeps a big old bowl of them on his desk. I think he does it for sheer meanness.

Having been cheated on and yes, it was a work affair. But that was a problem with a person. My instincts told me to put my guard up about such things in future relationships but my logical mind tells me that it would happen no matter what with the wrong person. DH worked in a field when opportunities to cheat were presented daily and I never worried because a) I knew he wouldn't do it and b) if he did or even came close, I wouldn't want to be with him anyway. If you forbid a cheater from cheating, he's still gonna cheat.

So I live my best life without fear or worry about it happening because I know that there's nothing I could do to prevent it if I'm wrong about who DH is as a person. It's actually quite liberating. One of his best friends is his "work wife" and I think she's awesome. She's good for him and has given him advice on how to be a better husband. If something were to happen between them, then i obviously don't need to be with him. But I really don't want to be married to someone who only doesn't cheat because I prevent every opportunity to do so.

 

[Disneylover99]

But when I was a I really don't want to be married to someone who only doesn't cheat because I prevent every opportunity to do so.

Barb, I'm sorry you were cheated on and I totally get what you're saying. I'm not suggesting you try to prevent opportunities to cheat. But we should all be mindful of temptation, cause it's out there.

 

[Jedana]

Uh, I have no idea who my husband eats lunch with - am I the only one? It's not something I ask him every night when he comes home kwim. His workplace is large and he doesn't know a lot of people there yet so my guess is he sits down with whoever is in the cafeteria that he knows. Could be female, I dunno

I don't know unless he says something to me.

It's funny when he talks about 2 of the women at his work, who have the same name as me. He'll start talking about Jedana and I'll have to interrupt and ask is it Jedana 1 (older) or Jedana2 (younger), so I can get the situation. They are extremely different---1 is 10 years older than me and the other is 10 years younger (approximately), and have totally different ways of thinking.

 

[MickeySP]

I disagree with the bolded part - there are lots of posters on here who have issues with their SO eating lunch with a member of the opposite sex and they haven't said that they had cheated in the past? I knew this guy well and I know he was a devoted husband and father. I think she didn't want him eating lunch with a woman (even in a group) and he was trying to avoid the conflict. And it was only a lie by omission - I don't believe she asked if there was a woman there. He just didn't want her to hear my voice, apparently.

You know him as a colleague or are you in his marriage? You don't know what happens in another's marriage

 

[ShayBells]

Every day I eat lunch with a member of the opposit sex who is married and I'm not and I did not think one thing of it until I read this thread. We usually eat with another guy in our office and sometimes others as well. He was the first person who spoke to me when I started and he is one of the few that smoke so we just got into this rythmn of smoking and going to lunch. Seriously didn't think anything of it but he's talked to his wife and has mentioned me so she must not mind.

I personally wouldn't mind if I had a SO who did lunch. I agree dinner would be iffy unless I knew the girl and the circumstances.

Lunch though with a co worker shouldn't mean automatically they must be having an affair.

 

[LBIJim]

Generally speaking, I would find it weird for 2 guys to make plans to go to dinner together unless it was part of some other activity:

Hey Bob, I've got a spare ticket to the ballgame, wanna go? We'll grab supper on the way.
Hey Bob, I wanna see the new Stallone movie & my wife doesn't. Wanna go? We'll grab supper on the way.
Hey Bob, wanna go fishing on Saturday? We'll find somewhere to eat along the way.
Hey Bob, highway's shut down for a wreck. Wanna grab a pizza up the street & wait it out with me?

Any of the above sort of "make sense" to me, ditto lunch at work or any meals related to business or business travel. Just making plans to go to dinner & only dinner with another dude? Weird. As a guy, a planned one-on-one dinner is a date. Period. Probably why I wouldn't do it with a female other than my wife, either Now, I HAVE done quite a few one-on-one lunches while at work with female coworkers. But, there were always other people invited. If it turns out the only one who can (or wants to) go is a female, I'm still going. But, I wouldn't set out to make it so.

I find nothing unusual about two guys going out on a "dinner date." I have a friend who's never been married and we've been going out for dinner only for years. On a weeknight if I'm going to be near his home or workplace, I'll call and arrange the "date" in advance. I let DW know in advance too. If it's near his job, it's usually dinner only, then good night. If near his home, we might go back and watch TV for a bit. But dinner is the primary reason for getting together. Oh, yeah, we used to have dinner and a movie "dates" too, but haven't for years, probably because we both hate sitting in movie theatres anymore.

There's a divorced guy I sometimes do dinner dates with as well.

On weekends, yes, there's usually another planned activity, like a ballgame or casino. DW sometimes attends, sometimes not.

DW sometimes goes out with male friends, mostly lunch, but there's been a few dinners. I don't mind. Other than co-workers (or relatives), I've never been out for dinner with another female since DW and I were together. And those dinners with female co-workers were always on out of town business trips.

 

[Allison]

I find nothing unusual about two guys going out on a "dinner date." .

I don't know why anyone would find it unusual at all.

 

[CandleontheWater]

I don't really like M&M's, but if somebody offered me one everyday, or if someone left them out on a table......eventually, I might eat one.

My point is, trust in a relationship is healthy, but don't be complacent in your marriage or naive enough to think a betrayal couldn't happen to you. It could happen to anyone.

I do know a few people who were completely blindsided by an office affair.

I think you are over-estimating how enticing other men are to married women. I think a more accurate comparison would be being offered saltine crackers (aka random male co-workers) when you know you have a dinner reservation at a 5 star restaurant (your DH). Most happily married people I know would view co-workers like saltines, fine for friendship, but not anything we are remotely interested in getting involved with, especially since we have a 5 star spouse.

Are there people who will still eat the saltines, sure, but those people would do it no matter what "rules" were set. I don't think most people would have any interest in the saltines, even if offered day after day.

 

[ilovemk76]

We were having a discussion at work the other day....wondering how others feel on the topic. Would it bother you if your spouse/SO had lunch with a coworker of the opposite gender? What about if it was a quick dinner after work? And is it/would it be different if the coworker was the same gender?

DH can go out to lunch during work hours or quick dinner after work with a coworker. The gender does not matter. I know he has in the past.

I can do it too. BTW, I have and will continue to do it.

 

[Disneylover99]

I think you are over-estimating how enticing other men are to married women. I think a more accurate comparison would be being offered saltine crackers (aka random male co-workers) when you know you have a dinner reservation at a 5 star restaurant (your DH). Most happily married people I know would view co-workers like saltines, fine for friendship, but not anything we are remotely interested in getting involved with, especially since we have a 5 star spouse.

Are there people who will still eat the saltines, sure, but those people would do it no matter what "rules" were set. I don't think most people would have any interest in the saltines, even if offered day after day.

Well, if you opt to have a drink or two at lunch, those saltines become a bit more appealing.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I don't know why anyone would find it unusual at all.

It's not something I do. It's not something done by anyone I know. Why wouldn't I find it unusual?

 

[Allison]

It's not something I do. It's not something done by anyone I know. Why wouldn't I find it unusual?

Because it's perfectly normal for friends to get together for a meal. Certainly not weird and not any different than 2 women getting together.

Just because you don't do it doesn't make it unusual for people to do. I don't do lots of things but it doesn't mean it is unusual or weird if other people do.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Because it's perfectly normal for friends to get together for a meal. Certainly not weird and not any different than 2 women getting together.

Just because you don't do it doesn't make it unusual for people to do. I don't do lots of things but it doesn't mean it is unusual or weird if other people do.

If its not the "usual" way one is accustomed to, that is the very definition of "unusual".

Edit: now, I will say PP's example of dinner as an excuse to get together with a rarely seen friend isn't the same as what this discussion has been about - dinner with a coworker you see 8+ hours a day already.

 

[nugov2]

Generally speaking, I would find it weird for 2 guys to make plans to go to dinner together unless it was part of some other activity:

Hey Bob, I've got a spare ticket to the ballgame, wanna go? We'll grab supper on the way.
Hey Bob, I wanna see the new Stallone movie & my wife doesn't. Wanna go? We'll grab supper on the way.
Hey Bob, wanna go fishing on Saturday? We'll find somewhere to eat along the way.
Hey Bob, highway's shut down for a wreck. Wanna grab a pizza up the street & wait it out with me?

Any of the above sort of "make sense" to me, ditto lunch at work or any meals related to business or business travel. Just making plans to go to dinner & only dinner with another dude? Weird. As a guy, a planned one-on-one dinner is a date. Period. Probably why I wouldn't do it with a female other than my wife, either Now, I HAVE done quite a few one-on-one lunches while at work with female coworkers. But, there were always other people invited. If it turns out the only one who can (or wants to) go is a female, I'm still going. But, I wouldn't set out to make it so.

Hey Bob, want to go to (insert sports bar name here) grab dinner and watch the game.

Also My dh goes to a high end steak houses with his friends all the time(winner of fantasy football or baseball pays the bill). Just because they are men, they still enjoy eating good food when they go out. I also know he has taken a client out(male) to dinner when he is in town and he goes to a nice restaurant.

I don't get why it is weird for 2 guys to go to dinner....is it weird for 2 women to go to a nice dinner? I know I prefer nicer than TGI Fridays when I go out for dinner with my friend(s).

 

[LBIJim]

It's not something I do. It's not something done by anyone I know. Why wouldn't I find it unusual?

You used the word "weird" to describe two male friends going out for dinner only, with no other activity planned. I don't know if there was any negative connotation about your choice of the word. I'm guessing there wasn't.

It's not the norm in your circle. That's fine. But there's nothing "weird" about it.

 

[Allison]

If its not the "usual" way one is accustomed to, that is the very definition of "unusual".

You actually called it "weird" in your earlier post. I would be sad to live in an environment where friends having dinner together is considered weird. I'm glad it's not what I am accustomed to.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Hey Bob, want to go to (insert sports bar name here) grab dinner and watch the game.

Also My dh goes to a high end steak houses with his friends all the time(winner of fantasy football or baseball pays the bill). Just because they are men, they still enjoy eating good food when they go out. I also know he has taken a client out(male) to dinner when he is in town and he goes to a nice restaurant.

I don't get why it is weird for 2 guys to go to dinner....is it weird for 2 women to go to a nice dinner? I know I prefer nicer than TGI Fridays when I go out for dinner with my friend(s).

A night out with "the guys" isn't the same as a dinner "date" with one specific coworker. And of course one would be expected to entertain an out-of-town coworker or client.

My list of "exceptions" wasn't meant to cover EVERY possible scenario

 

[nugov2]

I just find it odd that people think you can't be true friends with coworkers. I haven't taught in 11 years and I still get together with my friends I taught with. They were more than just coworkers. My dh has been at his job for 17 years and has developed many friendships, some with female coworkers. We have been to their weddings, seen their babies. If he decides he wants to grab a bite to eat with one of them alone I'm fine with it just like his male coworkers.

Honestly, we have 3 kids and very hectic sports schedules and his time is limited so he does often eat lunch with his friends from work(he can leave for up to 2 hours) vs time for dinner, but if he ever did it wouldn't be a blip on my radar.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

You used the word "weird" to describe two male friends going out for dinner only, with no other activity planned. I don't know if there was any negative connotation about your choice of the word. I'm guessing there wasn't.

It's not the norm in your circle. That's fine. But there's nothing "weird" about it.

No, nothing negative. But, extremely "out of the ordinary" if unusual or weird aren't PC enough for you