Weight this morning -
143!!!

I am really frustrated and disappointed in myself right now. I behaved all last weekend, and for the most part all week, yet here I am, the same exact weight I was 9 weeks ago.

I have worked out 5x a week for the past 9 weeks. I should be happy about that, but I'm NOT!

I went back through my journal, here is my weight for the past 9 Fridays: 143, 141, 144, 143, 142, 143, 143, 143, 143. Absolutely PATHETIC!!!
Am I really that much on the edge with calories? Do I have to stick to exactly 1200 per day, and never go up to 1300-1400??? Do I really want to lose weight? If I do, why can't I lay off the M&M's and cookies??

Maybe I am eating the wrong things, maybe something I eat on a regular basis causes me to retain water or something. I just don't get it and I'm really sick of trying so hard and not seeing results.
If I want to be serious about this, I am going to have to dig deep and become mentally stronger. I obviously can't deal with temptation - 90% of the time, if someone waves a cookie in front of me, I'll eat it. And I am about ready to smash that Statue of Liberty M&M dispenser we got in NYC with a hammer (if you were ever wondering why I eat odd quantities of M&M's, I usually eat whatever pops out of that...).
Sooo, I am sick of maintaining. I think I need to cut out ALL JUNK FOOD. Period. And probably alcohol too, except obviously I can flood my liver with tequila on the weekends and still have the same weigh-in as when I behaved all weekend, so where is the motivation to not enjoy the occasional cocktail? The next 2 weeks will be tough. I won't have control over my food choices on Mon-Tue next week or the entire following week. So I will have to focus on quantity.
Sorry for ranting, I'm sure this post is all over the place, not making much sense, but I am typing as the thoughts come...

I'm just really bummed out about this, I feel like a failure. That is what it really boils down to. I am successful at everything else, why can't I lose 8 freakin' pounds??

Maybe this weekend I will re-read my Body for Life Women book, although my food is pretty much what is suggested in the book (minus the M&M's and cookies, of course!). But unfortunately I can't make any changes until I get back mid-March. So I guess I will continue to chug along until then. I really wanted to quit this morning, I feel a little, tiny bit better about things now, but am still bummed. I just want to look good in my swimsuit, is that a crime?? Sigh...
For Thursday:
1284 cal, 49g fat, 129g carb, 93g protein, 26g fiber
B: chocolate oatmeal
L: FlatOut bread; chicken lunchmeat; 1 slice provolone; mustard
S: 3 egg whites; 10 baby carrots
S: celery-n-hummus (about 3 tbsp - the rest of the container); 7 M&M's
D: baked lemon chicken breast; Italian green beans; 1 Easy Bake Oven cookie w/frosting (thanks, DD!)
S: 2 Samoas (there are still 3 left, they are lucky they are not in my digestive tract - I REALLY thought about eating them too!)
E: 55min Pilates Sculpt DVD
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Tracy, I am really down and out about this whole thing, thanks for sticking by me, even with the whining!
