Looking For Honest Opinions? Long

[Cool-Beans]

There's no excuse for rudeness.

There are two perfectly acceptable excuses. One is, "I'm sorry I have to cancel our plans, I've been invited to the White House."

The other is, "I am convalescing in the hospital."

If you are getting over surgery you get a pass on holding up your end of the social side of things. You can cancel plans, refuse to see people on the basis that you are exhausted / in pain / unable to prepare yourself, and you can nod off to sleep while someone is talking to you. All of it is perfectly acceptable.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I think the husband could have been nicer about it, but I would let it pass.

 

[mickeysgal]

I think saying something like, "You can come see me, but only for 15 minutes then you have to leave." is mighty rude, no matter what the scenario (childbirth, appendectomy, open heart surgery, whatever). If I went to the trouble to buy you gifts and take time out of my schedule to see you, I'd expect a better response than that.

Putting a time limit on someone that has just had surgery that very day, is not rude, its plain common sense not to mention common curtesy. Its not all about you and your schedule. The DH was just watching out for the well-being of his wife, who just had surgery. As far as not being too tired to open the gift, can you imagine the brew-ha-ha if they had not opened it? Like it wasn't good enough for them and that they didn't appreciate it? Imagine the thread on that scenario. Bringing a gift does not entitle the bearer to be entertained in the hospital room without time limits.

 

[Luv'sTink]

She called to tell me she was on her way to the hospital and would call me later. She called me later and was headed for a c-section and would update me when she could. Her dh (who was our friend b/4 he even met her) called and said they were still waiting and would call me in the a.m. Best friend called me yesterday at 7 a.m. to tell me my new "niece" (her words) had arrived. Both were fine etc. We talked for a few minutes and she told me that I could go to the hospital to visit anytime. Told her I would wait until after work so that she would have a chance to rest and adjust.

I can totally understand your feelings, SHE told you to come by ANYTIME and this was AFTER the baby had been born. Why would you think anything had changed if she nor DH told you it had? As you said you dont have any children, so you have never given birth, you have no first hand expierence of how tiring it can be (Some women have babies and act like nothing ever happened, YES, even C/S).

Do try and let it go and don't say anything at least for a while.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

as i was aout to answer i read MickeysGal response and it's sooo right on the money.

to not open the gifts would be just as rude. i think we know who the rude one here is in saying that none of those surgeries gets a pass. Ot's blatantly obvious who has never had surgery here.

 

[MareQ]

Hey, an honest opinion was asked for, so I gave it.

I noticed that the birthmother wasn't "too tired" to open all the gifts.

I think saying something like, "You can come see me, but only for 15 minutes then you have to leave." is mighty rude, no matter what the scenario (childbirth, appendectomy, open heart surgery, whatever). If I went to the trouble to buy you gifts and take time out of my schedule to see you, I'd expect a better response than that.

I find nothing wrong with the parents limiting their visits. It doesn't take much for those "well intentioned' visitors to make things go sour. Despite me asking for brief visits in the days after we came home with our children, after my 2nd was born - the day I came home from the hospital we were bombarded with family - that stayed for 6 HOURS - thinking that we were having a grand old time - we just didn't know how to get them to leave. I was BEYOND tired after having been hospitalized for 3 days for severe pre-eclampsia then having to endure 24 hours of induced labor and recovery while being restriced to my bed. By the time I was released I had been in the hospital for 5 days. When I got home I was TIRED and while I wanted to share our joy with them - I was desperate for peace and quiet and rest!

When our 3rd was born - we laid out the rules ahead of time - because we DO have the right to dictate who will come, when they will come and for how long they will come while we and our children are adjusting to being with our new baby and while I am recovering. Anybody that didn't understand that is somebody I didn't to be around anyway....

 

[VSL]

I feel bad about being hurt....jeez, I really am a nut case

Another overly sensitive nut case here!

I wouldn't take it personally though.

My BF and I have already discussed that when we have children, I don't want ANYONE - apart from him of course! - in the hospital (I don't think I'll want to deal with anyone apart from the newborn and my DH for about 2wks!).

 

[nannerbadnanner]

: OR the hubby knew how tired she was and said no and then when he told HER he said no, she said call them right back and tell them to come?

This was my first thought. DH would totally do something like thinking that he was being helpful, and I would have made him call back and tell them to please come.

 

[Snowysmom]

I have not read all the replies but here goes. I am an overly sensitive person but in this case, I would let it go. Your BF just had major surgery. Also, when you first talked with her, she was probably all excited about the baby and had energy and felt OK. After the excitement fades away, tiredness and pain kicks in and she probably just needed to rest. Her DH may have sensed that you were upset so they thought a short visit would be best. As far as opening the gifts, what else was the BF supposed to do? It was have been insulting not to open them. I would just let them rest, talk with her on the phone, and pay a short visit when they come home and maybe bring over a meal for them or something. Plus, don't forget, those hormones are crazy!

 

[annegal]

goofygirl obviously has never had surgery.

And obviously never given birth or had a C-Section.

 

[redshoes]

I read this post earlier this A.M. and I've had it on my mind. To the OP, please understand that I've been there concerning infertility . It is one of the biggest struggles I have ever gone through. I've had the great honor to adopt two little boys who were both only a few days old when they became my sons, I'm their Mom but it still hurts me a bit to know that I will never have the life changing experience of seeing a postive sign on a PG test and the amazing feeling of having a baby grow inside of me. I can read the hurt in your posts. I don't want to play armchair psychologist, but I would venture to guess that some of what you are feeling has nothing to do with your best friend and her actions.
Please understand that your best friend is going through a whole new life changing event. This doesn't give her the excuse to take you for granted, but it does mean that you might consider giving her a little bit of leeway. I can't imagine having a 17 year child and then starting over again with a brand new baby. Please don't hold it against her that right after the birth of her baby that she was not as hostpitable as you wished. She is probably overwhelmed, you can prepare yourself for the arrival of your child but until they are actually here it doesn't seem real. At this point in your friendship, you might need to be the one that works a little harder. Yes she's going to be busy, yes she's going to be different, yes she's not going to be able to drop everything to go out with you or anyone else for that matter- but do you know what? You want her to be that way, that is what will make her a great Mom to this new little girl. Believe me when I say, the greatest gift you can give your "niece" is to support her Mom and be a good friend to her. She is going to need somebody that is willing to just listen to her talk and she is going to need someone who remembered what she was before she smelled like spit-up and didn't know where to find the best deal on diapers. Please be patient with her, she sounds like she really wants you to be involved in her life .

 

[maleficent1959]

OP, cut your friend some slack. This isn’t about you and how you think you should have been treated on the day she gave birth, it’s about about her and how you should be treating her. She’s feeling better and she’s calling. She’s excited and wants to include you. Something you’ve said you want. Don’t go getting all morose because her DH (who probably thought he was looking out for his wife) asked you to limit your visit at the end of the day when she gave birth and was exhausted and probably still on her morphine drip because of the pain.

 

[mickeysgal]

I remember how immediately after giving birth, you feel way *up* due to the excitement and actually, adrenaline. Then you start crashing as your body starts to absorb the trauma it just went though. The pain and swelling kick in and you feel run over by a truck. I've had three and each one felt different in varying degrees. Perhaps the OP caught the "yes, sure, come on over" during the adrenaline rush and later, as the reality of the pain set it, they had to adjust the visit. OP - I'm SURE it was not a reflection on you and your BF's view of your friendship, but simply the circumstances. You never know, maybe they had the parade of family in there all day and she was simply exhausted.

 

[momrek06]

OP: I have already Posted about having a C-Section w/#1 son and being totally exhausted and visitors coming 24/7....the other thing I should have mentioned and really have not seen it on the Thread was...breastfeeding..
I could NOT for the life of me get going...I was a wreck and was all emotional that my son was STARVING...that being said...about the third day when I finally had a gripe on the whole b/f thing...IN WALKS my DH with a Co-Worker...granted my door was shut...but DH had no idea I was in the room all EXPOSED and feeding the baby...DH felt awful and they left quickly and I felt so embarassed...ugh...so maybe your friend is also b/f and besides dealing with major surgery...(BTW, they cut through (I was told) FIVE layers of skin, of which the bottom four then use invisible stitches and the top was staples)...not a fun time and now the b**bs are about a 40DDDD as the milk is rushing IN....she maybe exhausted from just feeding the baby. Not to also mention, having the surgery, the nurses are in and out all day check your vitals....

NOT A RESTFUL TIME.....

OP: Your friend, when she gets home WILL explain all this to you and you will then have a total better understanding of the whole picture!!

 

[disykat]

OP: Your friend, when she gets home WILL explain all this to you and you will then have a total better understanding of the whole picture!!

I doubt it. I would think it was over. If I was tired, but told dh to have my BF come for a brief visit anyway because I wanted to include her - I would assume I had sacrificed enough to keep everyone happy.

Hopefully the OP gets this.

 

[LoraJ]

On the visitors pass that we get when we visit my boyfriend's dad at the hospital, it clearly states to limit visits to 15 minutes and for two people at a time. They aren't strict with this on his floor, but they seem to be very strict about this policy on maternity floors.

As others have said, just let it slide. I don't think their motive was for the gifts, but that you seemed dissapointed and kept on insisting to come. They may know how sensitive you are and wanted to compromise.

 

[grlpwrd]

To be honest, I think she was being awfully rude to you. If she did not want to see you or anyone else, she shouldn't have told you to come in the first place. She does not get a "pass" because she "just had a baby." There's no excuse for rudeness.

if I had a "friend" like this, I'd find new friends. And you are probably right- your friendship will change because her life will be consumed by the baby and other people with babies especially if she is a SAHM.

I think you're just one shade away from calling her a breeder...

 

[CindyBella]

Don't be upset. I did not want anyone around for very long after my c-sections. I just was not myself and honestly, I just wanted to be with my baby. After a major surgery, you are uncomfortable and not at your best. I just hated being stuck in that bed with no make-up, bad hair! Not to mention all of the emotions she must be going through. After my first, I think I was going through a little post partum depression. Thankfully, it only last a day or two but, I really would have been fine if I just recieved phone calls and flowers during that time. Maybe this was the case with your friend and her hubby was just being protective of her saying only for 15 minutes.

 

[disney4us2002]

On the visitors pass that we get when we visit my boyfriend's dad at the hospital, it clearly states to limit visits to 15 minutes and for two people at a time. They aren't strict with this on his floor, but they seem to be very strict about this policy on maternity floors. ...

I haven't read thru all of these but this was our experience. The maternity ward was very strict w/their lockdown policy. All non-family visitors could come between 11am-12pm and 7-8pm and the baby was in the nursery during those hours. We had rooming in and they still took him back those two hours for "tests", "observations", etc. They wanted the babies behind the locked nursery door when visitors were in the unit. BTW, mine were all three C's and I did feel like I'd been run over by a truck for the first 2 or 3 days.

Give her a week and then visit at her home.

 

[2Princes2Princesses]

I thought of something right away when I read the OP.

Her DH spoke to you. He said No. Then he called back and said Ok, but only 15 mins.

I can see this happening with me and my DH. Picture this:
I had a baby and I am about to drop with exhaustion. My BF calls and says she wants to come visit, my DH has answered the phone. He replies "No" because my BF and I can yak for 12 hours straight. He hangs up. I ask what that was about and he tells me. I then get miffed because I want to see BF. So, we compromise. He tells me Fine....she can come for 15 minutes, because you need to sleep. So he calls back and she comes. He tells me to make sure I say the nurse said 15 minutes so BF and I do not extend the visit OR I decide to say that so BF is not mad at my DH.

I have a bad habit of things like this. So my DH would have done this in a heartbeat. After my 2nd C-section, he left somewhat early to go home and put our DD in bed and stuff...about 7 pm. When he left, I was half-dead from being up for like 30 hours AND they had me on a morphine pump. My sister works at the hospital I was in. She came up about 10 and I was awake, I had just fed the baby. I was on the phone with DH when she came in and he was like "tell her not long, you need to sleep."

They turn off the incoming calls to the patient rooms at like 10. Do you know he called the nurses' station at 10:30 to make sure my sister had left (she had)??

It is possible it was something as simple as that.