long wedding vent- I give up- AM I bridezilla?

[Rose&Mike]

So sorry you are having to deal with this. I don't think you are being a bridezilla at all. You need to figure out exactly what you and DF want and tell both sets of parents this is the way it is. We had drama at our wedding and I really wanted to elope, but DH wanted the wedding. Halfway through the day he said he wished he would have listened to me. We actually stopped at the restaurant I worked at and sat at the bar and had a couple of drinks before we went to the reception in order to gear ourselves up for our families.

It's your wedding, do what you want. You really don't want to be sitting at a bar on your wedding day in your wedding dress avoiding your families.

 

[Took]

I agree with others. You're no bridezilla (and I known a few!) and mom is attempting to manipulate you. Be the adult (remain calm and FIRM--don't argue) and learn to deal with mom and MIL on your own terms. As another said, it's the most grown-up move you can make and will be much better for your marriage.

took

 

[DVCisME]

We had the same problem, but with my MIL. We wnded up with a bigger wedding then we wanted. It was nice but not what we wanted so on our 5 yr ann. we had our wedding the way we wanted with close friends and family no gifts. It was a really hard way to start a marriage-with all the constant fighting. And even no it kinda stinks that it didn't go the way we wanted it to the first time. But in the end we were married and that is what mattered.
Maybe you can have a party and just "pretend" it is a small engagement party but have it be your wedding. Best of luck!

 

[luvmy3jewels]

Nope, not a bridezilla at all...in fact just the opposite. Your mom is being a momzilla (or motherzilla of the bride). This is your and your future husband's wedding and you guys should decide how you have it, particularly since you are the ones paying for it.

If I were you, I would tell mom that you really want to include her (and dmil) in the wedding plans. BUT the wedding will have to be small and private and where you want it to be. If she isn't willing to respect that request, then I would cut her off completely from the wedding planning process and have the wedding wherever, whenever, and however you want it. Don't give her the choice to butt in with your plans!! She should not be enpowered to determine the details of your wedding.

Good luck and I hope everything works out so that you and your future dh have the day that you envision!!

 

[cinmell]

Maybe tell the mothers that because of all "their" hullabaloo you two have decided NOT to get married and to just live together.

Then stand back and watch the fireworks .

agnes!

I like this idea!

 

[Shyvioletisme]

I agree with what several other posters have said: you and your fiance plan YOUR day and send the mothers an invite like anyone else. You have to stand up to her at some point, if you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to stand up to her.
DO NOT give into the mothers and a) let them get you and them in debt and b)ruin your wedding by it not really being "your day". If you want a small intimate wedding, Plan and have it...I have seen too many people upset because they've let their parents run the day and then ended up with a day they didn't enjoy and a whole lot of people there they didn't want/know. If you and your fiance are paying for it, plan it yourselves without the mothers and move on.

 

[freckles and boo]

From the moment we announced our engagement my mother-in-law was making lists, asking questions, and making "suggestions". It didn't take long before we said "to heck with it, let's just get married". We eloped and my only regret is that my sister wasn't with me. When we got back my MIL had her hissy fit then she started planning a reception. I wasn't thrilled about it, but since she was paying for it we let her have her little party. We were only allowed to invite a few of our own friends because her list was huge. I say make yourself happy.

 

[WriteDisney]

OP you are not a bridezilla.. honestly if you really think itd be less stressful then just elope.. you can always plan a vow renewal down the road if thats what you want.. I found these articles on about.com regarding stress and weddings...

http://weddings.about.com/cs/bridesandgrooms/a/fivestressers.htm

http://weddings.about.com/od/weddingstressmanagement/a/weddinggoddess_2.htm

I think they make excellent points and I highly recommend you take a look at them.

 

[Chicago526]

DON'T go into debt for a wedding you don't even want. DH and I wanted a big wedding and were happy to take a few years to pay it off. But it would be hell for a couple to do that for something they didn't want to begin with.

If you are willing to have a big wedding, tell your DM and MIL that the only way it's happening is if they pay for it. If you don't want a big wedding regardless of who pays, tell them that you are having a small wedding and you won't hear another word about the topic.

If you are willing to compromise, you may want to split the difference. You and your DH pay for whatever small wedding you want, and your DM and MIL can throw you a huge party a month or two after the fact (that they pay for, of course). I've found that it's the reception part of the wedding that seems to get bulk of the attention (and the cost) rather than the ceremony, it could be that your DM and MIL will be happy with just planning the "party". Alternately you can allow them to throw you a huge, fancy bridal shower prior to the wedding, and then keep your wedding itself as small as you want, again this gives them a big party to plan and a way to impress their friends and co-workers, without burdening you with huge costs.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

I agree with the other PP's, stand up to your mom now. Do not let her ruin your wedding and yours (and your dads) dream of walking down the aisle together. Plan your small wedding and I bet they will still attend. Don't let them push you around.

 

[Lionqueen2]

It is sad that there is so much stress involved in with an event that is supposed to be the happiest day in one's life. I also commend you and your finance for thinking of funding a wedding all on your own and not thinking about going into debt. Lovely weddings do not have to be expensive.
I also think that there must be some way to have your wedding and involve your family a bit. I'm sure both your DM and finance's DM love the both of you very much and are very proud of the both of you. They raised you and cared for you for many years. This wedding, too, is a special event for them. This doesn't mean that your wedding should be designed for them, but perhaps speaking to them and trying to make them part of the wedding planning in some small way might help out. Perhaps if they were willing to fund something additional, you and your finace might be able to add on a bit.
A wedding is about joining two people in marriage, but it also joins two families together for life.

 

[purplebelle]

I thought only paying parents were the pushy ones!

There's no way your mom should be telling you who to invite if she's not paying. She can give suggestions, but if you can't afford it, you can't afford it! And the thought that you should go into debt so she doesn't look cheap is ridiculous.

DO NOT go into debt. Going into debt for something you badly want to do it rough, so imagine going into debt for something that isn't what you want.

Do something small and what you like and enjoy it. Your mothers will have to deal with it on their own. It's their problem not yours.

Sheesh! I'm so sorry to hear about your situation...

 

[Pin Wizard]

WOW! I wouldn't hesitate to tell both of them (and anyone else with comments) to butt out! It's your day, not theirs. Geez. I did everything from A to Z for our wedding. Thank goodness, not one person commented or suggested a thing along the way.

 

[EthansMom]

No, you're not a bridezilla. You should have the wedding you and your DF want and can afford.

First, stop discussing the wedding with ANYONE other than yourself and DF. When you share your plans with others, you open yourself up to the possibility that they will want to share their opinions on the matter.

Figure out what you want and plan it. Then inform/invite the people you want there. Personally, I wouldn't give anyone more than 6-7 weeks of notice, either.

DH and I were married in a lovely family-only ceremony just over 10 years ago. I LOVED it... just right and low stress. Plus, we had enough money for a honeymoon and to put a downpayment on our first house.

With the drama you describe, I would personally look at destination weddings (like Disney or Sandals) if that kind of thing is within your allowed budget. No one is going to invite strangers to a destination wedding, after all. And your Mom is less likely to be able to muck up the works with a wedding that is far away than one that is local (just don't give her ANY contact info. for the planners).

BTW, although I don't agree with her behavior, I do understand where your Mom may be coming from in her outlook. I currently live in CT and there are a lot of people here (in CT, NY, NJ) who are much more focused on appearance (expensive weddings, reciprocating for party invitations, etc..) than in other areas of the U.S. But that doesn't mean that you or your DF should go into debt so your Mom and MIL can compete with all of their friends.

If your Mom complains, tell her that after you are married, you and your DF would be happy to attend any reception that she wants to throw (and pay for).

 

[sbell111]

Steve's standard advice regarding weddings:

• Weddings are for the bride.
• The only other person besides the bride who gets a vote is the groom. His share of the vote is slightly smaller than the bride's but he still gets a vote.
• The bride and groom must each assign a person (not in the formal wedding party) to be their Aide-de-camp on wedding day (and before if you can make it happen). This person will be responsible for handling all those stressful things that come up on the big day)
• A family member is to be assigned to each family member who might possibly be a troublemaker, for whatever reason. This person is to keep the drama-prone person in line, by whatever means necessary.
• No wedding comes off without any hitches. These minor issues are the things that you laugh at down the line.

 

[Northstar]

No Bridezilla here.

Couple of Momzillas, yeah.

Get the license, arrange a date at the courthouse, and invite your dad out for breakfast that day... then kidnap him to the courthouse and he can walk you up to the JP!

 

[StefnMike]

Sorry you are dealing with this. This should be such a fun time in your life and you should be enjoying celebrating your marriage to your fiance.

Have the wedding you want. Invite who you want. Small, big, it's up to you.

If you mom and FMIL want to have a party, let them, besides it sounds like it's for them anyway. BUT they have to pay for it. And if they want you to wear your wedding dress, then they have to work it out with your schedule (which I would make them wait until after your honeymoon (if you are having one)).

 

[Va-bear]

I thought only paying parents were the pushy ones!...

...you'd think wouldn't you! My MIL caused so many problems (you _MUST_ invite these 200 people or else!!!) and she definately wasnt giving us a dime. My mom was so stressed by even the idea of a wedding period.....she didnt interfere at all but was so generallyl stressed that it stressed me...


...long story short - we eloped. Best thing we ever did!
(Though, MIL took about 7 years to forgive us!
0

 

[bellebuzzntink]

Your other option is to plan the wedding you want without telling your mom your plans. Simply send her an invitation just like the rest of the family that you want to invite.

No, you are not bridezilla. It is your day and should be what you and your df want it to be.

My thoughts exactly. She already had her chance to have a wedding....now it is yours.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Steve's standard advice regarding weddings:

• Weddings are for the bride.
• The only other person besides the bride who gets a vote is the groom. His share of the vote is slightly smaller than the bride's but he still gets a vote.
• The bride and groom must each assign a person (not in the formal wedding party) to be their Aide-de-camp on wedding day (and before if you can make it happen). This person will be responsible for handling all those stressful things that come up on the big day)
• A family member is to be assigned to each family member who might possibly be a troublemaker, for whatever reason. This person is to keep the drama-prone person in line, by whatever means necessary.
• No wedding comes off without any hitches. These minor issues are the things that you laugh at down the line.

OMG!!!! I LOVE this post!!!!

OP: Take this post seriously.
It is time to cut the apron strings... As in NOW.
If these mothers think they have such access and control over you and your husband(to be) now.... (AND YOU ALLOW/ENABLE THIS) Just wait until kids, their precious grandchild(ren), come along.

You and your Fiance need to get together, decide EXACTLY what you want... each of you enlist a special person maid of honor/man of honor to help pull off the big day. And then RUN with it....

Now, today, is the time to change perspective and to realize that you are a capable adult who deserves respect (even from your parents) and that your parents feelings should not manipulate your life.

Best wishes and congratulations to you and your Fiance!!!!!