long wedding vent- I give up- AM I bridezilla?

[dakcp2001]

My mother is going to ruin my wedding. I think they only way to avoid it is to elope. I am so frustrated. You know that person in all families that causes all kinds of drama at holidays and family functions? In our family it is my mom. What is it about weddings that makes people nuts?

When we got engaged, my mom seemed happy for us, and within a week she had called me to give me the country club we were going to be married at, how much it was going to cost, and all the vendors she thought were best. She also had a list of people to invite, most of her and my dads work friends, people my finace and I had NEVER met. It was obvious she had dreamed up this big wedding in her head. Now since we are paying for our own wedding, I explained that not only could we not afford that wedding she planned, but it was also not what we wanted at all.We are private people, and we are not fancy people at all. It turned into a big family fight and we decided to put off the wedding for a while and deal with it later. Somehow Dfinaces mom got on board with my moms idea for this crazy wedding we can't afford. My DF parents think her idea will be "nice" and we should give her what she wants.


SO anyway, since we have been engaged we have tried planning everything from a small Disney Escape wedding (which we love) , to a small destination wedding, to a backyard BBQ, to a VFW hall, to a Casino reception in Ct at a beautiful place and we have gotten nothing but stress drama from our moms. They hate everything! They said if it is just immediate family then what is the point. the point is to get married HELLO!!! I really feel like at this point we have done EVERYTHING we can to try to compromise with the moms, but they are just unwilling to try.

What WE want for our wedding is something small with immediate family only, we are ok with doing it at home, we would prefer to do it on a beach. My mom thinks we are going to make "her" look cheap, and both moms are insisting that they invite all of their friends. It has become clear to us that they will not be happy with anything other than what THEY want, and there is no pleasing anyone. We cant even talk to my mom without world war three and just the word wedding seems to make my mother go crazy. My dad is also having a lot of added stress from this, as he is getting pressure from my mom to run up debt they can't afford, which is making him feel guilty. I keep trying to tell him we do not WANT that big expensive party.

What it has come down to is, go along with what our moms want and end up in a huge amount of debt we cannot afford right now in order to hold a party for people we do not even know. This is ridiculous of course, so our other option is to elope. This is what we are going to do.


Anyway, I am just venting because I know our elopement will be beautiful and drama free, and we will be able to focus on the marriage which is the important part. I just know that not having my dad walk down the aisle is going to break my heart. And Im sad that I can't have a mom who wants to help me shop for a dress, most moms are into that. ANywho........just needed to get it all out.....

 

[TEENEE]

Your other option is to plan the wedding you want without telling your mom your plans. Simply send her an invitation just like the rest of the family that you want to invite.

No, you are not bridezilla. It is your day and should be what you and your df want it to be.

 

[mickeyboat]

I am so sorry that your wedding is turning into such a drama-fest. I think you have the right idea to elope (I wish we had done that, and we had almost no drama). I am not sure you really have any other choice at this point.

I do think the moms will be really upset that you eloped, but maybe without all the pressure, you all can come to some resolution about what to do afterwards. I think a reception would be nice after the fact, and you would not have all the ceremony expenses to think about. Your moms might be able to compromise on the guest list at that point, too.


Denae

 

[Cheshire Figment]

Tell both sets of parents that you are willing to go for an ultimate wedding but you had planned to spend no more than "X" dollars. You are willing to contribute that much, but everything else is in their court.

Then give them the list of your friends you want invited, sit back, and let them do (and pay) for everything. You end up married and your parents (and his) have the cermony/reception they want.

When I got married Judy and I paid for it oursleves (but we were both in our 40's) and we had enough people (about 50) to make the marriage "official".

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Why are you asking their opinion or allowing it?

Put your foot down, plan your thing, and tell the mom's they will get an invitation in the mail.

Of course they will be mad. However learning how to deal with your mother will be a big step toward your freedom from her childish behavior.

We are counseling our nephew thru this time as he heads off to college. We finally found her how to handle her, well how my nephew should do it.

You can do it if you want.

 

[Handbag Lady]

You are not BRIDEZILLA.

However, your mother is MOTHERZILLA!



Why not just plan your wedding YOUR way, pay it yourself at your own budget, and invite the family and those you want to come?

Your mom can come or not come. Your dad can walk you down the aisle, too.


I think your mom is being TOTALLY unreasonable.

Seriously, if they WANT you to have this huge elaborate debt-getting wedding, they'd have to pay for it. Since getting into debt for a wedding is a bad idea, don't let them do it. Tell mom if she wanted the huge country club wedding to impress her friends, have her plan her own vow renewal.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Better yet, plan to elope. Tell mom your plans and the only way you'll break your elopement plans is if they back off and let you have YOUR wedding.


You must realize the ball is in your court on this one.

 

[disneyatl]

I say it is your wedding and plan what you and your fiancee want. If that is a small intimate gathering - than make it that way. Moms may be upset but they will get over it and be more than happy on your wedding day.

Maybe another option would be to plan for the small event and have a large reception where other guests can be invited. I attended a wedding like that before and it was really nice. The ceremony was for family and close friends and the reception was a larger event. OR - have a party/reception at a later date.

Bottom line - it is your wedding. Don't get pressured into something that you don't want. Especially if you are footing the bill!

Good Luck!

 

[binny]

your party your rules. I dont think youre being a bridezilla either.

I would tell them that this is way its going to be, you are doing what you can afford and you will be sad if they cant join you.

 

[keenercam]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I did for my original wedding, too, and no one can do drama like an Old-World Italian mother and father (mine).

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do NOT give up your dream of what you want your wedding day to be. You will regret it and you will always have those feelings tied to your wedding. I really mean this from the bottom of my heart.

Your mother is going to be Miss Melodrama no matter what you do. Be mature and strong and considerate of your DF and of your Dad, who deserves to walk you down the aisle. Plan the wedding you and your future DH want and tell your mother that is the way it is going to be. If you are going to have to deal with her drama no matter what, at least you'll know that you did what you felt was right and what you wanted.

OR, you can do like I did. Go along with what your mother wants. Regret always that you didn't stand up for what you wanted. Tell your Mother that you are so glad she had HER dream wedding on your wedding day. And then do your dream wedding in a Disney Vow Renewal after you've been married almost 25 years. Because if you are anything like me, you won't be able to bring yourself to make it a priority before then (cars, house, maybe kids, education, etc. will always come first).

I wish you the best. I know this is difficult. Sending you a huge hug and warmest wishes.

ETA: One last thing. If you let her "run" this important day or let her ruin it, you will find it very hard to stand up to her on other important things, like where you are going to live, whether and when you have kids, what you name them, your job decisions, etc. Remember that from here on out, the decision-making has to be in the hands of your future husband and you, making decisions and standing strong together.

 

[momof1princess]

you poor thing your wedding has been turned into a nightmare! take a nice beach vacation (or wdw ) and ELOPE! you're not being a bridezilla at all, your wedding should be what YOU want, not what your mom and DF's mom want.

 

[bumbershoot]

You're not being bridezilla.

What do they say when you explain that you are paying for it and cannot afford what they want?

What do they say when you explain that you don't want what they want?


IN a way, I have to feel bad for many of the mothers of brides now. In all likelihood, their own mothers planned their weddings, and great grandma planned grandma's wedding, and back up the line. But here you are, getting married NOW, in the era where we plan our OWN weddings.

So there's this whole group of women who didn't get to plan their own weddings, and aren't planning the weddings of their daughters, either. Must be frustrating!

Of course, the perfect solution is for HER to plan her OWN renewal, really. I planned my husband's perfect wedding, and before we were even done with dinner at the reception I was already talking about WHEN we have our renewal planned to MY specs (no white poofy gown!). That's what she should do, so she can have the satisfaction, assuming she didn't with her own wedding, of planning her own.

 

[minniecarousel]

No - you are not a bridezilla. You should elope if you think that's best. However, if you have your heart set on having your father walk you down the aisle, I agree with the above post: don't tell the Moms the plans, just send them invitations. If they want to see you get married, they'll be there. If your Mom creates a scene, it's all on her. She'll look like a fool!

 

[C.Ann]

It's your wedding - you're paying for it - and you should not have to "runaway" in order to keep peace in the family..

Plan the wedding that you want - where you want it - when you want it - and then send out invitations to the people that YOU want there.. Either they will come or they won't.. You deserve that nice intimate wedding that you have indicated you want and I would hate to see you miss out on it because you feel you have to "run off" to get married..

Whatever you choose, have a great time and enjoy YOUR wedding day!

 

[mumom95]

Have they offered to pay for it? It seems incredibely rude for parents to insist their children have a certain type of wedding if they aren't willing to shell out the money for it.

I don't have any advice, just want to say, unfortunately it doesn't get any better. If you think the moms are being a pain now, wait till they become grandmas That's really when they start telling you how to do everything.

 

[wendy46001]

I agree with the other posters
just plan your day...keep it simple and what your willing to pay for

Also dont get dragged into a discussion about it
by fighting with them you are only giving into the drama and creating stress
just leave it as you'd be honored if they'd attend

 

[java]

Wow. I wonder how a small wedding will make her look cheap is she isn't the one paying for it?

Plan the wedding YOU and YOUR Fiance want. Invite them. If they chose not to come that's their loss. I love your idea of a disney wedding.

My mom handed me a list of 60 people she wanted to invite(my parents are divorced my dad had 6 people on his list) I told my mom she could invite 6. Anyone over that she had to pay for. Magically her list became 6.

In reading what you posted I think you are in the right frame of mind for a MARRIAGE! (not just the wedding) Congratulations!

 

[agnes!]

Maybe tell the mothers that because of all "their" hullabaloo you two have decided NOT to get married and to just live together.

Then stand back and watch the fireworks .

agnes!

 

[NMAmy]

I'm usually the one saying that giving your family some input into your wedding is a nice idea and can foster good relationships bringing both families together.

However, in my opinion, your mom and your fiance's mom are over the line. Putting their kids into debt to fulfill their idea of a dream wedding is crazy.

I think eloping is your best bet. However, if it were me, I'd tell the parents that elopement was our plan since no one can agree on a wedding, and we'd love to have them there to share the ceremony with us. It makes me sad that you can't have your dad walk you down the aisle if that's what you both want.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[minkydog]

Why are you asking their opinion or allowing it?
Put your foot down, plan your thing, and tell the mom's they will get an invitation in the mail.

Of course they will be mad. However learning how to deal with your mother will be a big step toward your freedom from her childish behavior.

You can do it if you want.

MM, you said a mouthful.I'm guessing there's a lot of back-story with mom going on here, too. OP, you *can* do it your way but you have to put on your adult-size emotional armor and deal with mom straight on.

If you are old enough to get married then you're old enough to plan and pay for it yourself. Moms do not get a vote on *your* plans. And why the heck are you even telling them your plans? You know it's just going to set them off. Personally, I think if you and your fiance can't find a way to regain control of your wedding then there is much more under the surface than needs to be examined. Why are you giving your mother such power?

If you want small, family-only, then DO IT. Fly to Jamaica and have a fabulous low-cost beach wedding. Or go to Disney World. Whatever, then come home and throw yourselves a huge reception bash! You can get married anyway you want. Just understand that anything less than what *they* want is going to make them unhappy--so what? They can just get glad the same way they got mad.


This discussion is like "deja vu, all over again." My mother had something to say about everything, even though she was paying for nothing. She drove me crazy! Finally, one night my then-fiance said, "Why don't we just get married in two weeks? Just stop all this endless planning and DO IT!" Presto! I made my dress, called the church, ordered small bouquets, acquired a beautiful little cake, enlisted my sisters in various reception-related jobs and before you could tie your shoes we were married! 'Course, it's only lasted 29 years, so.....

BTW--my mother got over it.