Long vent: Am I being unreasonable?

[mum4jenn]

Just to give this another perspective on this.......Do you think that "C" could be the one that is really upset and she is putting the blame for her feelings on her Dad??? When I was that age I found myself on both sides of the situations similar to these you wrote about and would put the "blame" on my Mom. It was not the right thing to do but it was the way I handled it and the way a couple of friends handled it. That could be the reason no one is supposed to talk to the Dad about it. Maybe 'C" was really the one embarrassed about the flood of tears and did not handle it well so she said her Dad said those things.

I also was mad about the way the Dad handled this situation but when you got to the phone situation that is when it hit me that this could be "C" doing this. It IS very possible even though if you asked her directly she would tell you no because she figures that you would never talk to her dad.

The best thing to do is to talk to the Dad. Ask him if he was aware of the crying episode and ask him what happened. It could be that the parents were not even aware of what went on.

Maybe I am TOTALLY wrong on this but you should talk to all parties involved.

 

[shortbun]

I'd check out C's story before I went in there
guns blazing. It's possible at her age that she
has found a way to attract attention and invoke
chaos AND likes it.
Then-if her father confirms-give him Hello!
He's a sick guy if he's holding his and your
daughter under his control with this type of
manipulation. Good friends are the ones who
love you no matter what. sobbing uncontrolably
when your mother has cancer is totally understandable
as is making a late call back during Christmas vacation.
Blast him if he's the culprit-tell him your DD is not
allowed to spend any time around him for fear that
he will emotionally damage her. Tell him his DD can
come to your place anytime- to be safe. Be consise
and clear; then get out.
If C is to blame- she needs
some counseling and her parents should know she's
making up these kinds of things.

 

[Mamu]

This Dad sounds like a control freak. I wouldn't want my children anywhere near him.

All being said and done I understand the hurt you and your DD are going through. I have no answers, I think confronting him will just make matters worst. Sending {{{HUGS}}} and Pixie Dust you and your DD way. Also sending Pixie Dust for your DD friend. I sure hope she can over-come her fathers cold, uncaring ways and grow-up to be an opposite.

 

[snoopy]

I'd confront the father with no hesitation. It may be possible that the little girl is exagerating what her father said, or maybe she misunderstood. Better it be discussed among the adults, and from there I would make my decision. If he in fact is saying those things to his daughter, I would ensure that all play dates between your DD and her friend happen at your house.

 

[wovenwonder]

{{{{{{{Hugs Melissa}}}}}}}}

When my daughter was younger she had a few friends that I loved but did not care for the way their parents did things. DD knew that those girls were always welcome in my home but I preferred for her not to go to their homes. Cound your DD and her friend spend time together at your home or is the Controlling/Weird Father not allowing that either?

{{{{{Hugs to your DD too}}}}}}}

 

[newmousecateer]

I would definately have to approach the Dad. He seems like a very cold, unreasonable person.

Your daughter tried to return the call, several times. It's not her fault the line was busy.

Hope things turn out well for your DD and her friend. Sounds like they have a special friendship.

{{{HUGS}}} to you and DD.

 

[Tinkbell]

I wouldn't trust C's story to be entirely true. She could be upset herself. Maybe she didn't know how to handle your DD's emotions the first time She could have been upset (as young girls are) that DD didn't immediately return her phone call the second time. I'd let some time pass. If you notice that your DD isn't being invited over to the house, I'd call and ask the parents if there was a problem that you weren't aware of? This story is pretty complex. I know you don't want DD over there anymore, but this could be a big misunderstanding. ((HUGS)) Please don't feel guilty about it. If that man actually said those things, it's better to stay clear of him. I'd just want to find out the truth for my own piece of mind.

 

[Kallison]

Oh man it is hard when they have problems with their best friend especially at that age. That father sounds insane to me, the man is an idiot. I know it is not fair, but I would probably try to have your DD distance herself from that friend and cultivate other friendships. In a way it is like punishing that poor child for her idiot Dad, but I don't think you should subject your child to his lunacy. To be upset because your DD was crying about your cancer!!?? It leaves me speechless. That being said I probably would confront the mother and let her know the reasons why you are upset. As for the whole phone call issue that is just stupidity. I mean it was the holidays we are all busy. In fact we went away for New Year's and I said to my DS "Did you call Jason back", now Jason had called a week prior, but he totally forgot and I totally forgot to remind him. He called when we got home from New Year's and they set a play date -- no problem. I had a similar problem with a boy my middle ds was best friends with. For some unknown reason his Mom decided I wasn't her friend any longer, she is very judgemental, and she still let's her son play with my son but not to the degree that they used to when they were younger. She doesn't invite him to sleep over or go away with them like she does his other friends. I know DS is hurt at times, but I've pretty much just tried to steer him into other friendships. Parents can be really wacky sometimes.

 

[faith]

That man sounds heartless and cruel. If his wife didn't step in and try to help her daughter she must be the same or living in fear?
I wouldn't want my daughter over there at all. I know friendships are important at your daughter's age. I hope her friend can come over to your house.
Hugs and prayers for your continued recovery from your surgery.

 

[MerryPoppins]

I guess I'll just give it some time. We'll continue to invite her over to our house and the girls can meet at the neighborhood pool in the summer. I have encouraged DD to make other new friends as well as C. She has now that she is in middle school. That is good, but she hasn't found any that she is close to like C.

Even if C was the one upset this time, I really don't think the problem was with her the time DD cried. She may not have known how to handle the tears, but she called my DD REALLY upset when dad said that she couldn't have DD over to spend the night again. I'm sure that didn't come from her.

From what the child says, dad expects them to be "perfect". Her older brother is a straight A student and does/says all the right things. C lives in his shadow. I can see that. They treat him differently than they treat her. I've seen it myself. I think they want to force her to be more mature and like big brother and they see DD as immature, so maybe they want to cut her out of C's life?

Last month C said that she was no longer allowed to buy a stuffed animal because they are babyish. She wanted a particular Beanie Baby, but DD didn't buy it for her birthday because she was afraid that it would reinforce the fact that the dad thought she was too immature. At this point he is messing with the relationship, so the girls may have to just move on.

Thanks again for all your ideas and support. It helped me to calm down. I'm not much for confrontation, so if things go back to normal, I may not say anything. I'm trying not to be judgemental, but I'm sure that I don't want my child around that man.

 

[Kallison]

I work in a middle school and I see plenty of parents like him, want to live their lives through their kids, expect them to be perfect. It is almost as sad as the parents who don't give a damn. To not allow a kid that age to buy a beanie baby? He sounds like a real loon, I would say keep your distance. I would also be careful about ever confronting him, sounds like he could be abusive. You don't want him taking it out on his DD.

 

[Tinkbell]

Wow! Your DD was afraid to buy her friend a stuffed animal? He does sound very strange. I would be "on his list" too then since I buy myself stuffed animals at age 33. Sounds best to avoid him.

 

[ead79]

Oh goodness, Melissa, what a terrible situation. I really don't know what advice to give you. I had a childhood best friend (we were best friends from preschool until I was 11) whose parents made us stay apart. Basically my friend's mom felt like I treated my best friend badly, which was hurting her self esteem horribly. Now don't get me wrong, we had fights like all kids do, but we always made up and had a great time together. In reality, I'm sure some of the stuff I said hurt her feelings, and I regret that I was immature and wrong in the way I sometimes treated her. However, she fought with me too, and my self esteem wasn't irreparably damaged. The actual truth of the situation turned out to be that my friend's mom was always comparing my best friend to her older brother, and basically saying that she never measured up to him. That is probably the real reason that her self esteem was low. When we were 11 it all came to an end. We were playing a board game and she wanted to cheat (she was a habitual liar--always making up stories to get attention and make herself feel better, which was really sad). When I insisted that we follow the rules for the game, she slapped me in the face. I cried and said that I was calling my mom to come pick me up and take me home. She ran downstairs and told her mom that she had only slapped my hand softly (not slapped me across the face like she really had), and her mom came upstairs and scolded both of us. Later her mom called my mom and told my mom that I could no longer see my best friend because I treated her so badly. My mom was FURIOUS--it was her child who slapped me in the face, not the other way around! Mom told her that Jill had slapped me in the face and my friend's mom said she didn't realize that that's what happened, but that I was a messed up child who needed psychological counseling. Needless to say, I was never able to play with my best friend again. We were both devastated, and we wanted to make up and be best friends again. Sadly, we were never friends again and she still struggles with lying and low self-esteem. It looks like getting rid of me wasn't really the solution to all my friend's problems. I went on to make a new, wonderful best friend who is still my best friend today. There are no easy answers, but it sounds like it might be best for your daughter to not see her friend anymore. If her dad is that insensitive to your daughter being upset about your cancer, then who knows what else he will flip out and be a jerk about. I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this. {{{HUGS}}} for you both.

 

[Disney Doll]

I wouldn't confront the father. Here's why:
1. If he didn't say any of that stuff and C is making it up, she'll get in trouble
2. If he did say that stuff, told C to keep it a secret, and you say something, C will get into trouble

Either way, C gets into trouble, and it sounds like that poor kid's life is tough enough as it is.

I would encourage C and your DD to play at your house, at school, and in neutral territory(ie-afterschool activities, sports events etc). I would encourage DD to make new friends so that when the time comes that this man drives al of C's friends away (and he will), your DD will have friends to fall back on, until C gets out from under his thumb and makes her own decisions.

Difficult situation. If either the father or the mother ever questioned me about why DD and C didn't spend time together at their house, I'd say "There are things I see that go on at your house that I don't care for" and leave it at that. Even without all this business between C and DD, some of the things you've personally witnessed seem odd to me.

Unfortunately, now wil have to be the time when your DD learns that life is not always going to be fair. Hard lesson to learn at any age.

 

[Disney Doll]

I wouldn't confront the father. Here's why:
1. If he didn't say any of that stuff and C is making it up, she'll get in trouble
2. If he did say that stuff, told C to keep it a secret, and you say something, C will get into trouble

Either way, C gets into trouble, and it sounds like that poor kid's life is tough enough as it is.

I would encourage C and your DD to play at your house, at school, and in neutral territory(ie-afterschool activities, sports events etc). I would encourage DD to make new friends so that when the time comes that this man drives al of C's friends away (and he will), your DD will have friends to fall back on, until C gets out from under his thumb and makes her own decisions.

Difficult situation. If either the father or the mother ever questioned me about why DD and C didn't spend time together at their house, I'd say "There are things I see that go on at your house that I don't care for" and leave it at that. Even without all this business between C and DD, some of the things you've personally witnessed seem odd to me.

Unfortunately, now will have to be the time when your DD learns that life is not always going to be fair. Hard lesson to learn at any age.

 

[Rajah]

I agree with Disney Doll.

Also, Merry-- *Don't* blame yourself because your DD finally let the floodgates open at a friend's house. This is in no way your fault, and I personally wouldn't see any reason not to let C come sleep over at your house now and again.

 

[Serena]

Willy already said everything I was going to so I won't repeat it. Thanks Willy.


{{{{hugs}}}}

 

[Disney Debbie]

I'm with Disney Doll too.


And just thank your lucky stars that his man isn't YOUR DH! Can you imagine if his wife dared to get cancer and upset his little kingdom? What a jerk! I would act as normally as possible to the whole family - and just tell DD they'll have to play at your house or neutral territory.

 

[chell]

You have to understand that I feel like the sleepover ordeal was because of me. I feel guilty for what happened even though I sure didn't get cancer on purpose. I know it isn't my fault, but I can't help the way it makes me feel. I've kicked myself that I let her go spend the night that night, but I really had no clue that she would fall apart. All they had to do was give us a call and we would have picked her up in 5 minutes!

Please don't feel that way. You did not have any control over the situation at all. It is not your fault that he is a jerk! Please don't beat yourself up over it. {{{HUGS}}}