Long. I dont know what to do

[Confzed]

So, my family came to visit us and I was serving food and my sister (who is ten years younger) decided to talk a bit about our childhoods. I do not like thinking back to that time because when I was younger my mother was not the best parent in the world. She did a lot of things that hurt her own body and we, her children were witnesses to that. She was not only physically abusive but emotionally too. Oftentimes, she would leave us for hours at a time, especially at night to go partying and I was left to babysit even though the next day was school and I would be up with a teething baby up to 4AM. When my sister was born when I was nine, her father was in prison, my mother was barely coherent and so I would often be the one to wake up every two hours to get my sister a bottle and take care of her at night, but still go to school the next day. I would come home to a dirty house, a mother passed out on the couch and a baby crying and I would be the one to take care of things. Even when my sister's father got out of jail, I took care of the baby and the house while facing the fact that we didn't have enough money to even stay in a home for more then a year.

However, last night my sister went on about how I was mean to her, how I disciplined her and sometimes teased her. I admit that I had teased her like any sibling but then again, I also remember that I would protect her from things around the house that was going on. In a way, I felt hurt because despite my teasing her, I was also the one she ran to if she got hurt. I was a teenage mom before I was even a teenager with her. I feel bad that I teased her but then again I feel a little angry with her because she remembers those times but she does not also remember me getting up to take care of a sick kid, staying home from school when she had the measles, or if the house got really bad when her father and my mother fought bad, that I would often put her in a room with music so she wouldn't see the things I saw.

I left the house when I was 15, my father had discovered we were living in a hotel and so he got custody of his children, my brother and I. She and my mother moved with my grandmother where my mother got "clean" but my mother still felt I had betrayed her when I left. I on the other hand, went to college, got a high grade point average and now am in college. When a fight occurred between my mother and I, my other brother told me how my mother would bad-mouth me to my sister while conveniently holding back the facts that I was the one who cared for her. Now, my sister can remember the times I teased her but not the times I stayed home with her. My brother told me how when my sister was in school, she had to name her family members and she didn't add me in. When my brother pointed this out to her my mother said "She (me)made her choice." I am confused and hurt by this because despite everything, despite my hurt with my mother and anger towards the whole situation, I thought my sister would remember the times I took care of her too.

I have chosen not to be close to my mother. She wants to get close, to go to counseling with me so we can be closer. Personally, I feel that right now I have so much anger towards her that if there was going to be counseling I would rather go alone. She tries to get close and there are times that I want to be close too, but then again I can't just forget what happened in that house. I am glad that she has changed for the better and is a good mom to my younger siblings but it hurts that the only reason why she was a good mom was because it was discovered she was not a suitable parent of my brother and I ( by the court's standards). My brother said that it hurts him to think that she changed once we were out of her custody. I am confused by this all and I feel that with my setting myself away from my mother, my sister (who lives with her) forgot that I was once the one who gave up my own childhood (I was nine when she was born) to be the one who took care of her. Oftentimes, if my sister broke something around the house, I would take the blame so I would be hit and not her.

My younger brother told me that my mother, in her times of hurt towards me, does not try to tell my sister that while I teased my sister, I also took care of her nor tells her why I now choose not to live with my mother. My sister thinks it is because I planned on staying with my fiance but the truth is farther from that. My fiance wasn't even around when my issues with my mother were brought up. I don't want to badmouth my mother to her but then again I hate knowing my sister thinks so badly of me. I don't want my sister to think that I live away from them because of my fiance but because the reason I live away from them is because I am trying to live my own life and pick up the pieces. It has been six years since I chose not to live with my mom and I am still trying to understand what happened.

I don't know how to approach my sister about this, part of me feels like I shouldn't but part of me wants to tell her the truth. She still is a minor.

 

[MsLeFever]

It sounds to me like you did an awesome job protecting your sister from all of the horror in your home. If she doesn't remember it then you achieved something incredible.

You don't say how old she is now, but I'm guessing she is still a child. Since you are feeling so hurt maybe you could write a letter to her that you won't deliver until she is 18 or so. That way you can get those hurt feelings out but she can continue to live in the protection of your love.

You are a great sister and should be proud of all the work you did.

 

[VAN]

My first response was to show your sister this blog. Tell her that these are your feelings and at this time of your life, you need to just leave things as they are so wounds can heal. You don't know when or if your feelings will change, but that she needs to respect what you have been through and how you feel.

THEN I got to thinking that your sister is probably still quite young ... young people tend to see things in black and white / good and bad. She may not have the maturity to handle what you have written or be mature enough to respect your feelings. She may take on the task of trying to make everything better.

I guess if she is still young, then you need to say to her - look, our ages are quite different and the house I grew up in is quite different than the one you did. Please respect the fact that I am sorry I teased you - I didn't mean anything mean about it; however, you must also respect the fact that I was there for you and will always love you. Tell her that the issues you have with your mother are between the two of you and that she cannot "fix" things. Ask her to just accept the fact that you love her and are doing your best to get on with life ... when the time comes where she wants to know more about the environment she was born into, then you'll be happy to talk; but right now is not the time.

Good luck with everything.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That is tough. Since you are still in college my suggestion to you is to continue to focus on yourself. Be selfish right now.

Personal counseling would be something I would strongly recommend. And I say that because you need counseling to sort yourself out before you even try and tackle the family issues.

You are still protecting your sister from your mother (the past) so that is why you are still angry. Is has not really ended for you yet. And that is understandable if she is still a minor.

 

[ericamanda01]

Your sister is only listening to the story she has been told, so until you explain to her what really happened, she will continue to believe what your mother says. If your mother really wants to have an honest relationship with you than she will validate anything you tell your sister. It makes since that your mother lied as a defense to your leaving, but now that she is clean it's time to clear up those lies. Don't let your sister continue to live with the lies your mother has feed her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your sister is only listening to the story she has been told, so until you explain to her what really happened, she will continue to believe what your mother says. If your mother really wants to have an honest relationship with you than she will validate anything you tell your sister. It makes since that your mother lied as a defense to your leaving, but now that she is clean it's time to clear up those lies. Don't let your sister continue to live with the lies your mother has feed her.

Yes, the mother has to come clean first. Without that happening it will just add fuel to the fire and create more of a mess.

I would say, talk to the mother in private about this and see what she does first. Test the waters and see how far she is willingly to go with this.

The sister is "defending" the mother, which is normal. Without the mom coming clean it won't work and may get worse.

Have to tread carefully as the OP is fragile over this and angry.

 

[DVCLiz]

It sounds to me like you did an awesome job protecting your sister from all of the horror in your home. If she doesn't remember it then you achieved something incredible.

You don't say how old she is now, but I'm guessing she is still a child. Since you are feeling so hurt maybe you could write a letter to her that you won't deliver until she is 18 or so. That way you can get those hurt feelings out but she can continue to live in the protection of your love.

You are a great sister and should be proud of all the work you did.

Yes, this is exactly what I was going to say. You were and are a fnatastic sister. Because you were put in the role of an adult far too soon, you got to see the way it sometimes is in the real world of adults. We take care of things and do things that are never noticed - but we always get called out on the things that don't work out so well!!!

I too would recommend you go find a counselor for yourself - someone who can help you talk it all out and validate how important you were and are to your sister and how her age colors her perspective. I think it would do a world of good for you.

Sometimes you can't change anything about a situation except your reaction to it. It feels bad to get criticized for doing the right thing, but you have to remember it WAS the right thing and you did it well.

 

[dumboiu]

Don't rest your self-worth on validation from your family. You did the right thing when your sister was younger....you did the very best you could do with the situation you were given in your young life. You don't need a thank-you from her.......you would do it again under the same situation, I am sure.

Move on with your life (easier said than done, I know). Realize that your sister does not need to thank you to make your life complete. People perceive the same situation differently. In your reality, you sacrificed a lot to care for her when she was young. In her reality, you teased her and it no doubt hurt. She was a child then. There is no absolute right or wrong. Both realities (yours and hers) have some truth to them.

Try looking forward and not backward. Focus on your schooling rather than validation from your sister. Your sister's validation does not define who you are. And.......try to let go of the anger towards your mother so that it doesn't hold you back from your personal dreams.

 

[Philagoofy]

Since your sister is still young, probably about 12, I'd think PP Van gave very good advice. Tell her you'll always be there for her & that you love her but, at this time, it may not be good to tell her how unpleasant things were. She probably does remember some of it, maybe in a different way than you since you shielded her from a lot of it but she may not have been totally oblivious. What she's had for the last few years now may be a more "normal" life, perhaps she's sort of lashing out at you for not being there now that home life is more stable.

If it's still an issue when she's older, you two can discuss it. It will also give you more time to heal.

Best of luck to you & your family.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

First, you should be commended for all that you did to hold the family together. You are obviously very strong and capable, and since it seems your mom succumbed to substance abuse, she is perhaps not as strong as you, and maybe there is tension there.

Maybe counseling would be good. There do seem to be communication issues. Your brother fills you in on what your mom said, your mom relays info (accurate or not) to your sister...maybe counseling would help you all talk to each other more effectively.

From what you wrote, it seems like your mom turned the corner when you and your brother were taken away from her. It was what made her realize she had to straighten out. It didn't really benefit you or your brother, but it had to have had a huge impact on her.

I agree with the assumption that your sister is still young, and I think she's just doing the typical 'sibling rivalry' stuff. I think when she matures she'll appreciate more the role that you took in caring for her. Most siblings fight when they are young, and are much closer as adults. If she was too young to remember your mother's issues, then she probably doesn't know everything you did to care for her.

You should be very proud of all that you've accomplished, and for your strength and courage under very difficult circumstances.

 

[wdwfan16]

So, my family came to visit us and I was serving food and my sister (who is ten years younger) decided to talk a bit about our childhoods. I do not like thinking back to that time because when I was younger my mother was not the best parent in the world. She did a lot of things that hurt her own body and we, her children were witnesses to that. She was not only physically abusive but emotionally too. Oftentimes, she would leave us for hours at a time, especially at night to go partying and I was left to babysit even though the next day was school and I would be up with a teething baby up to 4AM. When my sister was born when I was nine, her father was in prison, my mother was barely coherent and so I would often be the one to wake up every two hours to get my sister a bottle and take care of her at night, but still go to school the next day. I would come home to a dirty house, a mother passed out on the couch and a baby crying and I would be the one to take care of things. Even when my sister's father got out of jail, I took care of the baby and the house while facing the fact that we didn't have enough money to even stay in a home for more then a year.

However, last night my sister went on about how I was mean to her, how I disciplined her and sometimes teased her. I admit that I had teased her like any sibling but then again, I also remember that I would protect her from things around the house that was going on. In a way, I felt hurt because despite my teasing her, I was also the one she ran to if she got hurt. I was a teenage mom before I was even a teenager with her. I feel bad that I teased her but then again I feel a little angry with her because she remembers those times but she does not also remember me getting up to take care of a sick kid, staying home from school when she had the measles, or if the house got really bad when her father and my mother fought bad, that I would often put her in a room with music so she wouldn't see the things I saw.

I left the house when I was 15, my father had discovered we were living in a hotel and so he got custody of his children, my brother and I. She and my mother moved with my grandmother where my mother got "clean" but my mother still felt I had betrayed her when I left. I on the other hand, went to college, got a high grade point average and now am in college. When a fight occurred between my mother and I, my other brother told me how my mother would bad-mouth me to my sister while conveniently holding back the facts that I was the one who cared for her. Now, my sister can remember the times I teased her but not the times I stayed home with her. My brother told me how when my sister was in school, she had to name her family members and she didn't add me in. When my brother pointed this out to her my mother said "She (me)made her choice." I am confused and hurt by this because despite everything, despite my hurt with my mother and anger towards the whole situation, I thought my sister would remember the times I took care of her too.

I have chosen not to be close to my mother. She wants to get close, to go to counseling with me so we can be closer. Personally, I feel that right now I have so much anger towards her that if there was going to be counseling I would rather go alone. She tries to get close and there are times that I want to be close too, but then again I can't just forget what happened in that house. I am glad that she has changed for the better and is a good mom to my younger siblings but it hurts that the only reason why she was a good mom was because it was discovered she was not a suitable parent of my brother and I ( by the court's standards). My brother said that it hurts him to think that she changed once we were out of her custody. I am confused by this all and I feel that with my setting myself away from my mother, my sister (who lives with her) forgot that I was once the one who gave up my own childhood (I was nine when she was born) to be the one who took care of her. Oftentimes, if my sister broke something around the house, I would take the blame so I would be hit and not her.

My younger brother told me that my mother, in her times of hurt towards me, does not try to tell my sister that while I teased my sister, I also took care of her nor tells her why I now choose not to live with my mother. My sister thinks it is because I planned on staying with my fiance but the truth is farther from that. My fiance wasn't even around when my issues with my mother were brought up. I don't want to badmouth my mother to her but then again I hate knowing my sister thinks so badly of me. I don't want my sister to think that I live away from them because of my fiance but because the reason I live away from them is because I am trying to live my own life and pick up the pieces. It has been six years since I chose not to live with my mom and I am still trying to understand what happened.

I don't know how to approach my sister about this, part of me feels like I shouldn't but part of me wants to tell her the truth. She still is a minor.

Why doesn't your brother speak up on your behalf when your mother is bad mouthing you infront of your sister?

You need to remember that your sister was 6 when you moved out. She will not remember your staying there when she had the measles.

You may need to have a heart to heart talk with your sister.

 

[Disney Doll]

If I am reading your post correctly, you are about 21 (give or take a year) which would make your sister about 11 (again, give or take a year).

Between the ages of 9-15, you were there for your sister (who would have been newborn-about 6 during that time). At age 15, you moved to be with your father. So for the first 6 years of your sister's life, you protected her. So, her perception of your shared home life is probably very different from yours. Because she had you running interference, she probably did not realize and does not remember all the bad stuff that was going on. You were just that much older and that much more aware of what was happening. Her reality and your reality of living in that household are going to be very different...and her reality is thanks, in no small part, to you and what you did for her. It is very commendable that you, as a child yourself, was able to do what you did to protect your sister, not to mention dealing with your mother's issues and your household's general lifestyle.

It had to be hellish for you.

That being said, since your sister doesn't probably have as strong memories of those early years, and since she has spent from ages 6-present living with a mother who has gotten "clean", of course your mother is going to try and sugarcoat things so that she doesn't look as bad as she actually was. Plus, substance abusers are manipulative people. She may be "clean" now, but your mother's personality is that of a substance abuser and therefore she will manipulate the situation so that she doesn't come off as looking like the bad guy, even though she was. And, a younger child, like your sister, is always going to believe Mommy. Especially since YOU did such a good job of raising and protecting her that she doesn't have as many bad memories of her early homelife as you do.

So what does this all mean for you?

It means get counselling. You are doing extraordinarily well with your life right now despite a very rocky childhood, and should be commended. But you need to get Mom and sister and all the "issues" in their right place in your mind, so that they don't eat you up. You know you did the right thing for your sister, you know your Mother wasn't a good mother to you, you know she's trying to shift blame and so forth so she doesn't look as bad as she really was/is. Your sister is too young to know that now, but may come to realize it with maturity.

You need to realize and understand that you & Mom may never have a good relationship based on how she treated you as a child, and that she may always try and shift the blame to you, and you need to be OK with that, meaning you need to be able to let it go, understanding it as part of the manipulative substance-abusing personality. You need to come to a place of indifferent acceptance.

You need to realize that your younger sister may never realize what you did for her, and so may never truly appreciate it, but that you know in your heart you did the right thing for her. I hope she does come to realize it with maturity, but again, it may never happen.

You need to realize & believe that you did the best you could under the circumstances you were dealt as a very young child.

You need to learn to let this terrible past go so that it doesn't affect your future, which sounds very bright.

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP,



I would go to counselling alone.

TC

 

[The Mystery Machine]

To follow up what DD said about substance abuse, you were not there for her recovery in home. Your sister was and that forms a strong bond between your sister and your mother.

It was like your mom started a new relationship with your sister and not you. You have the "past mom" as your mother in your mind.

Did your mother include you in her recovery process?

Will counseling between you help? Maybe or maybe not. I can't say. That is why personal counseling for yourself first would be a better step forward for healing if you are ready. You may not be ready.

The end goal is to let it all go, so you can live in peace. That is something you have to figure out where, when, & how.

 

[HM]

I know this may not mean much....but I'd like to say THANK YOU for your sister. You were put in a very bad spot at a very young age and worked harder than you ever should have. You are a very good person.

 

[Jynohn]

You did the best you could with the circumstances you were handed. You were just a child yourself, taking on an adult's responsibilities. Some day your sister will come to appreciate all you did for her.

May I suggest you try going to Al-Anon meetings? Many of the members are adult children of alcoholics who are learning to come to terms with their past as they move on to a brighter future. There you will find support and understanding from people who have survived through similar situations.

 

[Northstar]

Another thing (an easy, small thing) that may help both you and your sister...can you dredge up any happy memories of that time when you were taking care of your sister? Like playing some silly game and her laughing like mad? or favorite TV shows you watched? Or snuggling up in her bed while she slept?

Hold on to those happy memories. Next time you see your sister, share them... you don't have to say that the way she remembers it is wrong, just add these memories of yours to her picture of what her childhood was like.

If she can remember too, all the better... if she can't, at least she will know that somebody has happy memories of loving her when she was too small to remember it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Another thing (an easy, small thing) that may help both you and your sister...can you dredge up any happy memories of that time when you were taking care of your sister? Like playing some silly game and her laughing like mad? or favorite TV shows you watched? Or snuggling up in her bed while she slept?

Hold on to those happy memories. Next time you see your sister, share them... you don't have to say that the way she remembers it is wrong, just add these memories of yours to her picture of what her childhood was like.

If she can remember too, all the better... if she can't, at least she will know that somebody has happy memories of loving her when she was too small to remember it.

Agree with this.

In other words continue to focus on the postive present and create some happy memories today with mom and sis.

That is certainly a good direction to take for now.

 

[metime]

The thing is you are angry. You come from a dysfunctional family. I came from a bad childhood. After lots of counseling I accepted that those who were responsible are never going to say "sorry" and they are never going to see things my way because they are not the most sensative people. SOme people will see what happened and understand and some wont.

They may never know where I am coming from but I stop holding all that anger everywhere I go. I mourned the loss of the idealic childhood and mourn the loss of a family as an adult. There won't ever be a time when we will all have some warm holiday gathering. It just won't happen they are not those people. I forgive them for just not knowing any better. It doesn't mean they are right it just means I do not walk around angry.


Go to counseling alone. Perspective is key in letting go of the anger.

 

[diznygirl]

My younger brother remembers a different childhood than I do and he's only two years behind me. Your sister has different perceptions than you do, but you shouldn't feel bad about correcting them. You've received some very good advice here. I hope it helps you.