Living with Mother-in-Law ... advice?

[DMickey28]

We are facing a situation which may involve my MIL moving in with us. Long story short, we are going to have to support her eventually and it's getting to the point where she can't find a decent place to live within her means.

Before I go any further, any stories or situations that you can share?

DH and I are house hunting for our first home right now and keeping our eye out for houses with In-Laws or In-Law potential. They are very very few and far between in our location of choice and our budget. My MIL will contribute some rent to us so our budget can be a touch higher but not too much.

I am facing some personal conflict in this search, which is normal I am sure.

My DH and I have one son, 2 years old and a baby due in March. I am a SAHM. DH works LONG hours, currently in an office but looking for a new job which could likely have him working out of his house. My MIL is currently not employed but will be looking for a part-time job once we settle this arrangement. She is on SSD due to a work injury years ago.

We get along very well. My MIL often came to visit us while we lived away for weeks at a time and it was always a HUGE help to me and we never really got in the way of each other. However, living together is a different story. If we could find an inlaw apartment over a garage or something with seperate entrance and seperate kitchen space, I think it could work. DH is asking if we found a large 4 bedroom do I think we could all live togheter?

We just have different lifestyles. My MIL smokes A LOT. She would not smoke in the house or her apartment but I don't want smoke around my front door or wafing through the air into my kids rooms in the summer. She watches Fox News 24/7, LITERALLY. I do not want that in my living room. She drinks coffee 24/7 ... I don't even have a coffee pot. That's why I think a seperate apartment with an entrance a little away from the house would work but I don't see much of those. The few I did find, the house itself is very lacking in space and updates. I do not want to sacrafice the type of house we get just to have that pace, but I know that is selfish.

What would you guys do? Any advice? Stories?

 

[ericamanda01]

What I would be concerned with is what will happen when she gets older. Your a SAHM to two small children and you said your DH works a lot. That would leave you to care for her when she is ill, or worse. I know it's a hard thing to think about, however you really should consider it as part of your decision. My grandmother lived with my mom for years, then when she got cancer my mom said it was a full time job to care for her.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think the PPs advice is very important. You have to think about the long term implications. I also think a big heart to heart with MiL (and hopefully something in writing) is important to have. Thingsl ike no smoking in the house or near doors windows, etc, need to be totalyl spelled out so both sides have ultra clear expectations going in.
I wouls also be cautious about spending any amount that relies on MiL to contribute to the mortgage. As she ages and can no longer work she may need her social security for her own meical care and not have any leftover for rent.

Can you find a house you like with a large garage for a good enough price that you could remodel the garage into an in-law apartment?

 

[java]

The problem with an apartment over the garage is that she may not be able to climb the stairs eventually. It's hard to look into the future and see the potential problems.

A BASEMENT apartment would be better I think- particularly one with it's own entrance. That way she could watch whatever she waned in her own home. I'm sure she would rather be in her own space too.

No way would I be sharing a 4 bedroom house.

That's way too close.

Right now you might not be thinking clearly either- prego hormones. So be careful about what you agree to! The smoking would be a deal breaker for me.
How old is she? this could be a decision that impacts you for a very long long time. Don't take it lightly!

I was thinking the same thing with my dad a couple years ago and the stories I heard on here made me rethink it.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I would not allow a smoker to move in with me and my children. For me, it would have to be a separate apartment. Up here, mother/daughter homes are all over the place.

Also, does she have other children? If so, they should contribute to the expense of caring for their mother. Every little contribution helps.

Good luck!

 

[DMickey28]

Good ideas about her growing older. Tough to think about but you are right ... DH WILL NOT want to discuss that part of it though.

She is 60. She has three sons, DH is the only one that has done anything with himself. His younger brother is only 23, can't get his act together and is still living at home. He is moving out but that's another concern. She says that she is done supporting him and DH has made it clear that if we do find something together then it is JUST FOR HER but honestly if my BIL needs helps is she or DH going to turn him away. I DON'T want him living there. PERIOD.

His older brother is a fruit loop. Great guy but just a fruit cake. He is 37 and can barely support himself, just went back to school for his masters and won't be able to help at all.

A house we are going to look at on Saturday as the inlaw in the basement with a seperate entrance in the back. The rest of the house is lacking though which ticks me off, I don't want to scarific what is our first house.

She would be a big help with the kids and housekeeping and stuff though. That's what DH sees ... the help it would be for me. But like you said, how long is that until the rolls reverse and I am caring for her? However at that point, we can't afford anything else though and neither could she so she'd have to live with us.

We are not looking at home we CAN'T afford on our own, just that we would rather not. However with the extra income for a little while will go to pay off other bills giving us much more cash on a monthly basis. The bank told us that we could get Pre-approved for 75% more than what we asked for but we declined only asking for a small amount because we don't want too big of a mortgage.

 

[java]

The bank told us that we could get Pre-approved for 75% more than what we asked for but we declined only asking for a small amount because we don't want too big of a mortgage.

GREAT THINKING!

 

[Darsa]

I'm certainly not going to tell you what YOU should do, but I know if this were my situation (and it would be VERY similar if my MIL had to live with us, lol) there is NO WAY I would allow smoking in/around my house that I am living in with my children. Nope, no way, no how.

I truly think that a completely separate living area for her, with a TV of her own and a plug-in coffeemaker, and make it very clear that there is no smoking allowed. Honestly anyone who is going to be living around children and non-smokers should expect that anyway.

Good luck!

 

[claudia]

Personally I would keep looking until I found a place with a separate apartment for MIL. I have 3 stories, and I won't go into details, just let you know that in the end the separate apartment worked....the room in the house was a disaster. So yes, I would sacrifice a bit on the family space to get that apartment. Also, I wouldn't equate MIL's funds into the finances, as she ages and may need additional care (skilled living/nursing home) her SS would have to go to those places. Does your DH have siblings? If so, time to discuss this with them. It can work so I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Disneydreamer5]

I would like to say that I totally understand where you are coming from with all your concerns and you would be right to have them all.
I have been married to my grammer school sweetheart for 18 years now so to say I knew his mother well is an understatement. We always got along great, that was until we lived together for 6 years!
To say things between us became unbearable would be down playing it a lot.
It caused so many fights between DH and I that I don't even like to think about it.
My grandmother always said 2 women can not share a home.
Mothers & daughters can manage but any other combination is bound to fail.
I didn't listen to anyone when they told me this because we were so close and got along so well. Things just change when you are in each other face everyday. Lines get cross no matter how hard you both try to make it work.
My best advise to you would be to do exactly what you are doing.
No matter what, she needs to have her own space, her own kitchen, her own entrance. No question about it.
Do not settle for a bigger house and have her living under the same roof. It will not work. Please trust me on this.
I have had so many friends and family members that didn't listen to me for the same reasons I didn't listen in my situation and everyone of them came to me afterwards and told me how they couldn't believe how bad it got considering how well they got along with MIL before.
Good luck with your house hunting and my prayers for you & your family that all works out for the best.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I can relay our situation with our MIL.

We sold her house, BIL has power of attorney. He took the money for the sale and that went towards a condo. My BIL owns it.

She pays him rent with her SS money.

There is no way she could live with any of us as she is schizophrenic. Now she is doing well however she would not do well living with us.

I highly recommend this as an alternative if you can swing it.

My parents are in an apartment. It works for them. Unless your MIL needs medical care now I do not recommend her living with you. The situation you describe will not be pleasant. The smoking will drive you up the wall pretty quickly.

My parents lived with my sister and BIL for close to 2 yrs. and while it was OK, she was glad to see them in their own place and my parents were happy too.

 

[claudia]

Good ideas about her growing older. Tough to think about but you are right ... DH WILL NOT want to discuss that part of it though.

She is 60. She has three sons, DH is the only one that has done anything with himself. His younger brother is only 23, can't get his act together and is still living at home. He is moving out but that's another concern. She says that she is done supporting him and DH has made it clear that if we do find something together then it is JUST FOR HER but honestly if my BIL needs helps is she or DH going to turn him away. I DON'T want him living there. PERIOD.

His older brother is a fruit loop. Great guy but just a fruit cake. He is 37 and can barely support himself, just went back to school for his masters and won't be able to help at all.

A house we are going to look at on Saturday as the inlaw in the basement with a seperate entrance in the back. The rest of the house is lacking though which ticks me off, I don't want to scarific what is our first house.

She would be a big help with the kids and housekeeping and stuff though. That's what DH sees ... the help it would be for me. But like you said, how long is that until the rolls reverse and I am caring for her? However at that point, we can't afford anything else though and neither could she so she'd have to live with us.

We are not looking at home we CAN'T afford on our own, just that we would rather not. However with the extra income for a little while will go to pay off other bills giving us much more cash on a monthly basis. The bank told us that we could get Pre-approved for 75% more than what we asked for but we declined only asking for a small amount because we don't want too big of a mortgage.

Hopefully since your MIL is only 60 she will be in good health for many years. Being 54 myself, my in-laws didn't need any help until they were in their late 80's....so hopefully you have a very long time before you have to worry about your MIL. You don't say in which way the house is lacking....but if it is updating that needs to be done, possibly the extra money from your MIL could be used for that??

 

[Serena]

I think the separate apartment over the garage or guest house would be great, but for how long, and would you be willing to move again when you have to take care of her and she has to be in the same house. But that brings in the time factor. After the kids are out of the house would you need so much house? Or would that leave room for MIL once they do move out?

Whatever you decide, good luck. I think it's great she has someone she can rely on and that you all are willing to do this for her.

 

[NHdisneylover]

It sounds like MiL cannot afford to live on her own Not even a small studio apartment? You are doing her a big favour letting her live with you then and she really should abide by whatever you feel works for YOUR family as far as smoking, guests. Some things to consider:

*How long can baby brother "visit" before it is taking advantage--it likely will happen that a brief stay gets longer and longer if you do not preempt this.)

*Also, how about "dates" How do you and your DH feel about her bringing men home. Uncomfortable to talk about, yes but even more uncomfortbale to deal with later on. She may not have anyone in her life now but she is young enough she might eventually. Do you want your children seeing her having overnight guests? Some people would be bothered by this others wouldn't. What if you get a bad vibe from someone she is dating and are afraid to have him in the house at night with you and the kids? That could turn into a very sticky situation.

*How much help around the house should she be contributing. It could easily accidentilly slip into a pattern where SHE feel put upon to do mroe than she wants to or is up to. Helping for even a few weeks on a visit is different than long term.

*Smoking issue. Figure out what you are okay with and stick to it. Personally I am not okay with smoking on my property (even out of doors) at all nor smoking in the precesence of my kids.

*Car insurance. Check with your agent to see if she must be listed on your policay if she lives with you. Figure it out and who pays what ahead of time.

*Groceries--are you eating together or seperate and who apys for what? Who cooks? Who cleans?

*Pets. How many and what kinds are you okay with her having? How about her. Are there pets she does not want you to have?

*Utilities. Who pays what portion?

*Childcare. If she is going to be around a lot she will end up disciplining the kids. What does she consider appropriate? What do you consider appropriate? What can you agree to there?

*Quiet hours. Is there time after which you need to keep the colume down so she can sleep and vice versa?

*rent. Have a set amount you are okay with. If not you may get to a day when she "cannot afford" to help but "can afford" to spend money on her other sons right and left which will lead to resentment all the way around.

I can understand that your DH does not want to talk about the future but I think you really have to. First just the two of you and then after you are on the same page with MiL. I am sure there are many more issues but those pop into my head right away. I am NOT encouraging you not to do this--I just think you need to go into it very carefully with you eyes wide open.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My only advice....

As you look at the future,
KNOW your limits.

Do not look at this thru rose colored glasses...
You are pregnant.... will soon have a baby to care for, and your toddler/preschooler.

You are the one, at home, alone, 24/7....
Supporting everyone else...

Personally, I don't know that I could do that.

And, I know that I could simply NEVER live with my MIL. EVER.
She is a product of the 50's, and is the ultimate, life must always be this-and-such-a way... She is the ultimate criticle judgemental old woman, looking to see that her neighbors don't do everything EXACTLY as she thinks proper, down the fact that they don't get up early enough on the weekends!!!

Of course, your situation is different, and you do 'get along' with your MIL... But, I see a lot of pressure on you, and a lot of resentment, as you have to deal with a lot so that she gets a free place to stay. A visit can be a lot different than living under the same roof with somebody.

I didn't read the whole thing, but if your husband is not able/willing to talk about this, then that is another big issue, and another reason to have second thoughts about moving his mother into your home.

Honestly, if finances the biggest concern, then have you considered other, less costly, housing for your MIL.
I would rather help to seek out cheaper cost/subsidized options, and just contribute financially by paying her utilities....
This might be cheaper, both financially and emotionally.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I just wanted to add that my MIL and mom are 71, dad is 69. If your MIL is only 60 she has alot of yrs ahead of her where she could live independently.

Have you checked into senior housing situations? I know that my mom has a place picked out but they get too much money to qualify.

 

[Arielle22]

I have had both MIL and my mom live with us but they were ill.

However I also had a great aunt who I cared for. She had to move from her apt where she had lived 40 years. We did not own at the time. So we rented 2 apts in a house (entire house was the 2 apts). I was able to care for her (she lived on the first floor) but not have her intrude into our lives.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Hey Wishing on a Star--just curious, why did you quote ME in post 15??? Did you mean to quote someting of the OPs. I a mjsut not seeing the connection (likely because I am over tired and missing something--sorry)

 

[Wishing on a star]

A house we are going to look at on Saturday as the inlaw in the basement with a seperate entrance in the back. The rest of the house is lacking though which ticks me off, I don't want to scarific what is our first house.

Ding...Ding...Ding!!!!
If you do this, I think you are only beginning to see the 'sacrifices' that you will be making....

You are seeing just the beginning of the ticked-off/resentful feelings.

If she is only 60 and is not in failing health...
I guess I am confused as to why she needs to be living with you??????

As I just said... Look at this objectively..
Know your limits....

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey Wishing on a Star--just curious, why did you quote ME in post 15??? Did you mean to quote someting of the OPs. I a mjsut not seeing the connection (likely because I am over tired and missing something--sorry)

I did not quote anything... No biggie!
I said, "I have not read the whole thing, but IF...."

And, it is an important issue.

Where is her DH in all of this????