ZerasPride
DVC Member Since 2001
- Joined
- Sep 1, 1999
- Messages
- 4,281
Okay. Im back after a very very long and painful absence to journaling on WISH. I hate to journal and everything in me wants to rebel but here I am. Im back on this forum for two reasons. The biggie is that I have regained most of the 109.5 pounds I lost several years ago. The second reason I am back is that I have finally admitted to myself I have a bigger problem than just pushing myself away from the table. I have some real emotional issues that I cannot work through by myself and realize that if I do not get some assistance, no matter how much weight I lose, I will regain it. I must get my emotional/binge eating under control. So I took a big step forward and started seeing a therapist.
She suggests I keep a journal so that is the second reason I am here. Plus, I know if I post in a public forum, it means so much more. I could just journal on my FitDay page and be done but I know I need more open accountability than that. I kept racking my brain trying to figure out which weight loss method I should use this time until I realized I have bigger fish to fry than just weight loss and whether I should count carbs, fat or calories. When I get myself together on the inside, I believe the outside will naturally follow. I believe I understand now why I felt so guilty when I lost my weight the first time. I felt like a fraud and so unworthy and its clear why now. I have never dealt with the real demons in my life and now realize it wasnt the fat I was so worried about jumping back on and reattaching itself to me, its the childhood stuff, the hurt and pain of many many years of letting other people dictate whether I should be able to feel good about myself based solely on the size of my clothing that was the real sound that goes bump in the night for me.
I am ready, not always willing, but ready to take this journey and see where it leads me. Part of me wants to say wait until Monday or someday when you feel more ready but when will that day be, the day I am 300+ pounds? Before I would set weight loss goals (I do have them, dont get me wrong) and other grandiose things I plan to do when I get back to my ideal size. No more of that crap. I dont want to wait to start living my life any longer. I want to be happy, confident and at peace with me now. Not when Im back into sizes 10 and 12. I do have goals such as losing 10% of my body weight, daily exercise (30 minutes), eating more fruits and veggies and getting to bed at a decent hour every night. But I also want to focus on why I overeat and the importance of allowing myself to feel the negative feelings that come up in everyday life without medicating myself with food.
I have picked Weight Watchers as my eating program. I am not one that likes to count calories but I get a kick out of figuring out points for some reason. My starting weight is 262 pounds (yes, it hurts to type that number but it is what it is) and losing 10% will mean shedding 26 pounds. Not setting a goal date for that to happen. I am just as if not more interested in battling my self destructive inner mind right now than seeing the scale go down. I keep reading that people who record their food and exercise intake at least 75% of the time seem to keep their weight off so I am going to do my best to come here often. Plus I want to be able to report to my therapist that I am following her instructions to engage in "self care" and this is part of me taking care of me.
Food (30 points)
B: homemade granola cereal with 1% milk 8 points
L: WW frozen entrée and a light fat free yogurt 9 points
D: Grilled chicken nachos 12 points
S: an orange 1 point
Total points for the day used: 30
Exercise:
40 minute walk at lunchtime and I plan on walking on the treadmill while watch Biggest Loser tonight
Thats it. Its good to be back home on WISH. I dont really expect anyone to follow my progress but I will do my best to read others journals. I have always enjoyed reading them and made some great friends in the past that way. Not too many people will probably remember me but that's okay. I am not here to look back at what was or to continue to stay still and stuck here in the present upset with myself for this weight gain. I have punished myself enough. It's time to move forward!!!
She suggests I keep a journal so that is the second reason I am here. Plus, I know if I post in a public forum, it means so much more. I could just journal on my FitDay page and be done but I know I need more open accountability than that. I kept racking my brain trying to figure out which weight loss method I should use this time until I realized I have bigger fish to fry than just weight loss and whether I should count carbs, fat or calories. When I get myself together on the inside, I believe the outside will naturally follow. I believe I understand now why I felt so guilty when I lost my weight the first time. I felt like a fraud and so unworthy and its clear why now. I have never dealt with the real demons in my life and now realize it wasnt the fat I was so worried about jumping back on and reattaching itself to me, its the childhood stuff, the hurt and pain of many many years of letting other people dictate whether I should be able to feel good about myself based solely on the size of my clothing that was the real sound that goes bump in the night for me.
I am ready, not always willing, but ready to take this journey and see where it leads me. Part of me wants to say wait until Monday or someday when you feel more ready but when will that day be, the day I am 300+ pounds? Before I would set weight loss goals (I do have them, dont get me wrong) and other grandiose things I plan to do when I get back to my ideal size. No more of that crap. I dont want to wait to start living my life any longer. I want to be happy, confident and at peace with me now. Not when Im back into sizes 10 and 12. I do have goals such as losing 10% of my body weight, daily exercise (30 minutes), eating more fruits and veggies and getting to bed at a decent hour every night. But I also want to focus on why I overeat and the importance of allowing myself to feel the negative feelings that come up in everyday life without medicating myself with food.
I have picked Weight Watchers as my eating program. I am not one that likes to count calories but I get a kick out of figuring out points for some reason. My starting weight is 262 pounds (yes, it hurts to type that number but it is what it is) and losing 10% will mean shedding 26 pounds. Not setting a goal date for that to happen. I am just as if not more interested in battling my self destructive inner mind right now than seeing the scale go down. I keep reading that people who record their food and exercise intake at least 75% of the time seem to keep their weight off so I am going to do my best to come here often. Plus I want to be able to report to my therapist that I am following her instructions to engage in "self care" and this is part of me taking care of me.
Food (30 points)
B: homemade granola cereal with 1% milk 8 points
L: WW frozen entrée and a light fat free yogurt 9 points
D: Grilled chicken nachos 12 points
S: an orange 1 point
Total points for the day used: 30
Exercise:
40 minute walk at lunchtime and I plan on walking on the treadmill while watch Biggest Loser tonight
Thats it. Its good to be back home on WISH. I dont really expect anyone to follow my progress but I will do my best to read others journals. I have always enjoyed reading them and made some great friends in the past that way. Not too many people will probably remember me but that's okay. I am not here to look back at what was or to continue to stay still and stuck here in the present upset with myself for this weight gain. I have punished myself enough. It's time to move forward!!!
Back, Lisa!!!!
You CAN do this, Lisa!
Anyway, it is so strange feeling my feelings and not immediately putting something in my mouth to distract me from the feelings. I watched Biggest Loser last night and have become so inspired by those amazing people. The fifteen contestants lost over 150 pounds in one week! Just incredible. I keep telling myself that if they can go through all they did, I know I can make these permanent changes in my life. I can do this. Like my therapist said to me, I need to look at the one step in front of me and not the entire staircase. Just climb one step at a time. I almost feel like an alcoholic or some other addict that has to take things one day or one moment at a time. I can get through this. I am stronger than food. I am.
Not much to talk about in either of those areas! 
