Let's Talk about Marriage

[rie'smom]

Tim and I will have been married 25 years the day after Christmas-27 years total.
When we met,both of us were coming out of bad relationships and I had a bad marriage behind me. We dated for almost 2 years before getting married. I think one thing that has really worked for us is that after bad relationships, we never ( well hardly ever),have taken the good qualities of each other for granted.We are still as polite to each other as we are to strangers. We say ,"I love you" whenever we part or say goodbye on the phone. Honesty is the best policy has been a hallmark of our marriage-not that honesty has not sometimes hurt but it's better to face the problem head on and not let it fester.We've had 1 or 2 bad patches but worked together to get through them.
Marriage is not always easy-it's very hard work but if you love your mate and do the work,the benefits are so great. I'm married to my best friend-we can share anything with each other and do. I hope everyone here can find their perfect partner.
Don't give up OP!!

 

[miss missy]

I think you are hearing of divorce more because that is what you are going through. Like when you buy a new car, all of a sudden you see a million of the same.

I have been married for 14 years, I am 39. We married after 6 months of dating. We just knew, we felt it and it never stopped. Years 10-13 were hell (raising teen years). That is because I tried to change too much at once and it really hurt us. Being around the wrong people made me look at things differently and is wasn't reality. Hard to explain. But my DH standed firm and didn't give into my craziness and I eventually saw my eyes were clouded. Once I "woke up" I was like what the heck was I thinking! I am lucky he didn't take to my silliness. But the thing is, he is solid and is the exact same man I married 14 yrs ago. He is strong. His strength is what I needed.

He drowns me with love... but he lets me know when I am being outta line. He is a family man and he is so solid in who he is, he doesn't compromise for anyone or anything. I think without that, we would sink in the world. He taught me to be "me" and not give into the world or society's ways.

I don't know if this makes sense, but I am just saying... in this world, it is easy to forget who YOU are. I have learned to stand on my own.

It is not easy to be married, for anyone. But I believe respect and letting people be who they are is a big key.

I also believe that you must have your won life too. Your own interests and your own time. We have never had to worry about cheating or anything like that, we are solid in eachother. It is like I walk around knowing I am half of something, I am loved... it is hard to explain really.

Don't give up. I know my DH said he would NEVER be married, kids, house.. he NEVER saw that for himself... now he knows nothing different. You still can have a great marriage in your life, don't give up on YOU.

You know when you get that uh oh feeling about someone, when you get that internal alarm saying this aint right... ALWAYS listen to that! Don't compromise your beliefs.

 

[Disneyland1084]

I married my husband four years ago and he is the love of my life. Don't think that just because you are divorcing that you can't get married again and have it be forever. I suggest you look up on the internet on ways to feed a relationship. Recently on msn.com there was an article about 24 ways to feed your marriage/relationship. There was a list of do's and don'ts. My husband and I were already doing all the do's. It was amazing. I know in my heart my marriage will last forever. My husband is kind and very loyal. Why so many marriages fail I couldn't tell you. But don't ever give up on being happy.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but excited about your future. Don't rule anything out. I'm sure wounds are still fresh and when they heal, you may feel differently.

I agree that sometimes people get married too quickly, but dh and I married very quickly (met in February, started dating in June - we were apart from Feb to June - and married in November)and we're still going strong. I attribute it to deep love, deep committment, and having two kids.

 

[MagicKingdom05]

Sorry to here this.

This is why both my gf and I want to have a long engagement (1 year prior to our wedding), so we can enjoy the engagement and not just rush into it no matter what anyone else says. We want this to work and no it will, but we also want to do it right.

 

[aunt kelly]

I'm so sorry your marriage didn't work out. I know you must be in a lot of pain and I really do feel for you.

My husband and I have been married for seventeen years. Our commitment to each other and to God is the only reason we are not divorced. We both have very strong personalities and can be hard to live w/ at times. We have had some very rough times in our married life. However, we are both committed to our marriage and we both take our marriage vows very seriously. We believe that we not only made those vows to each other, but to God as well. At times, those vows were the only thing binding us together. For the most part, our marriage has been happy and fulfilling, and I'm glad we stuck together during the hard times.

I hope that someday you will find a partner who is willing to commit to stay with you no matter what, and you will feel the same about your partner. In the meantime, I hope you get back on your feet and realize that you are a wonderful and valuable person, regardless of whether you are married.

Good luck!

 

[TinkQT14]

hi everyone i'm new here and my mom and older sister go on disboards so if you could give me some pointers that would be great thanks

 

[vettechick99]

Hey Amanda! I hope you are doing well.

Well as I mentioned to you, I'm divorced and remarried and it was definitely better the second time around. Sometimes I think we convince ourselves that some people are right for us but they aren't. At least that was what I did.

Go out with lots of friends and be open to meeting new guys. Get onto myspace and meet your friend's friends! Your Prince Charming is right around the corner. It didn't take long for me to meet mine!

 

[TinaLala]

I think I'll say that marriage is something that you have to work together at and if one isn't willing to work at it and it makes it twice as hard for the other person. I've been with my DH for 20 years - high school sweethearts...we decided to be together forever from the start and we knew that in order to do that we had to compromise on things. If I wanted to spend tiem with him on Sundays I had to learn about football. If he wanted to be with me on vacation he had to learn to enjoy Disney.

It gets tough, but sometimes it's not for everyone. My mother was divorced four years into it and I was only two when he left, but then six years later she found another man and my step father has been the best thing for all of us.
Good luck!!

 

[jimmiej]

We started "going together" in Jr. High. Eight years later, we were married. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary! We were on Castaway Cay on the actual date of our 25th-you can plan it better than that! Our kids are grown & we love just being together. We're very blessed!

 

[paigevz]

I'm so sorry!

I've been married for 12 years, and we lived together for four years before that.........

Marriage definitely changes as time goes on, but ours is very strong and I can't imagine another way.

His parents and my parents have been married for 40 years.
His sister got pregnant in high school, married the father, and has been married for 13 years. His brother has been married for 9 years.

My brother also married his pregnant girlfriend, and they've been together for nearly 9 years.

I'm sorry your first try didn't work out, but I hope it won't discourage you from ever trying again, not now but someday..........but, do it like my mama said, "Don't marry him because you think you can live with him. Marry him because you think you can't live without him, and then it'll be hard enough."

 

[sweetinmaine]

Don't ever rule out a second marriage....While some people find true love the first time around others do not....Life is too short to live alone...There is your soulmate out there. You just have to find him...Don't give up looking!

As for us...my DH and I met when I was 16. We dated through high school and married after I graduated. Now 28 years later we have 2 children and 2 grandchildren. Our daughter has been married for 6 years and our son just ELOPED in August! Our hope is that they will be as in love as we are! And the same goes for you when the "perfect" guy comes your way!

 

[apirateslifeforme]

I'm in the middle of a divorce after 7 1/2 years of marriage. In that time, we were separated once for over a year and we went to 4 different counselors. We started seeing our first counselor within a year of getting married. My ex was abusive, in every way possible. Ironically, we are now friends and we get along better than ever, now that we don't live together and have strict boundaries.

I am very interested in someone who seems to return that interest. We're just having some trouble connecting at the moment (he's extremely busy with work). But I'm not sure I'd ever marry him. I can see myself staying with someone forever, but I just don't know about marriage. I don't know why. I haven't figured that part out yet.

 

[MrsPete]

This is just IMHO but a lasting marriage isn't based on how much you love each other. It's based on how committed you are to each other.
My love for my dh has ebbed and flowed over the years. Sometimes I'm very in love and other times, well, not so much.
But I am very committed to him and that is always the same. It's not based on feelings or current situation. I am not saying there is nothing my dh could do to make me willing to leave him but it would need to be on the level of messing around or abuse.
When you and your partner go into marriage with that level of committment the odds of having a successful marriage go up considerably.

Edited to add: In my hurry to tell my 'oh so important' thoughts on marriage I forgot to tell the OP what I meant to say first. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know your pain must be tremendous and my heart goes out to you.

I agree. We watch movies and read books in which EVERYONE meets that special person, falls in love at first sight, then lives happily ever after with every moment filled with passion. It gives us the idea that if we don't have soul-mate moments every day, something's wrong.

My husband and I have a great marriage, but -- like you described -- we have had our "ebbs and flows". Our commitment to one another and our life together has never faded, but sometimes we get busy with other important parts of life, and the other spouse takes second place for a while. For example, when the kids were infants, my focus was on them, not him. He understood that it was necessary at the time. Sometimes we are ultra-busy at work, and we don't have a lot of us-time, but we know that it's all temporary. Sometimes we just plain don't feel very connected, but -- again -- it's something that passes. Emotions come and go. Commitment stays.

I'm sorry that your marriage hasn't worked out. Is there any chance of putting together what once existed? Divorce is a horrible thing, and it's to be avoided if at all possible.

 

[booger73]

I'm sorry that your marriage hasn't worked out. Is there any chance of putting together what once existed? Divorce is a horrible thing, and it's to be avoided if at all possible.

I have to disagree about the 'avoided if at all possible'.. some people just aren't good together and people realize that.. As Dr. Phil famously says, "it's better to be from a broken home, than to be be in a home that's broken"

 

[MrsPete]

I have to disagree about the 'avoided if at all possible'.. some people just aren't good together and people realize that.. As Dr. Phil famously says, "it's better to be from a broken home, than to be be in a home that's broken"

I don't know. I spent a lot of years in a broken home, then once my father left I was from a broken home. Both were miserable, only the details differed.

I think many people could make their marriages work, but society has become so accepting of divorce that it no longer seems to be a "last resort". That's what I mean by it's better to avoid it if at all possible.

 

[booger73]

I don't know. I spent a lot of years in a broken home, then once my father left I was from a broken home. Both were miserable, only the details differed.

I think many people could make their marriages work, but society has become so accepting of divorce that it no longer seems to be a "last resort". That's what I mean by it's better to avoid it if at all possible.

Ah.. I understand now.

I agree with you - that, if possible.. you should try to 'work it out' or 'avoid it if possible..' based on that fact that most people think it's just 'another easy thing to do'

It's become that people are 'so accepting' that I think it's ridiculous.. I'm probably giving away my age and some, but I'm one of those people that just wonders "where did the family thing go.. what happened to dinner together sit-down, the old "conservative" small-town family unit go" (i grew up in a town of <15K, and people used to have lots more value back then than now - 'thank you', 'please', courtesy and kindness..

 

[TDC Nala]

Hey everyone First let me start off with my story. I was married for 2 years and will be filing for divorce next month. I know there are stories out there of couples who have made it work and are married forever. But I feel like I hear more stories of those who didn't make it. I am really discouraged and at times feel like I will never get married again, even if I meet the right person. What are your thoughts?

I think you will. It's a very difficult choice to decide to remain unmarried. I made the decision at 34 and I always tell others to think very hard before making it themselves.

 

[MareQ]

Just back from a cruise my DH gave to me for our 10th anniversary. Still going strong over here.

You need to filter out what you hear around you and focus on yourself. You WILL remarry when you find the right guy

 

[agotta]

I wanted to thank everyone for your stories, and words of encouragement. It has been hard, but I am doing well now.

It's nice to hear those stories of all of you who have made it (whether the first time or the second!) I know I have a long way to go, some days are just more discouraging than others.

Our divorce has been pretty amicable. We realized we were very wrong for each other and needed to move on. We had no chemistry and got married for all the wrong reasons. I know what I am doing is right, but some days are still tough. We realized we are young enough to learn from this and move on. My ex was really more of good girlfriend than a husband.

I am optomistic about future relationships, I guess the establishment of marriage has me concerned. It's interesting to hear everyones thoughts and stories.