As I stand here, watching you walk away
I think to myself, you just made my day!
Your hair was all greasy, your car was a mess...
There's a lot I need to tell you so I must confess
I put up with you for just one reason
and our love was limited to a single season
But during that season, you toyed with my heart,
your just not my type you act like an old fart!
You like old music, you dissed my tunes
I had to hand feed you with a spoon.
Life has not felt the same in years,
You're making me want to drink many, many beers
The door slowly shuts and I quick lock the door
While you kick, scream and holler
Oh, there is something sticky on the floor
Instead of you back, I'd take just a dollar.
The road we have travelled is bumpy at best,
You say, "I still love you," but surely you jest!
Go away now, or I'll call the police,
Good Lord, old man, your name isn't even on the lease!
You don't even have the strength to open the door,
Oh come on, haven't we been here before!
My resistance is weakening - please go away
If you don't I swear you will somehow pay
You don't have a dollar, not even a buck,
You drive a raggedy, beat-up truck.
Your sweatpants are dirty; your sleeves are not rolled
Your shoes are all stinky and your socks full of holes.
I'll sure miss your kitten, I'll sure miss your dog,
But I won't miss one bit how you kiss like a frog!
Your teeth are almost gone and covered in slime,
But I still love you so, just give me some time.
We have 18 kids who need us now,
Go hook up the old horse and plow.
A long time ago we stood on the back-forty,
Back when I was pregnant with our oldest boy, Morty
We grew our own beans and corn,
And in the tee-backy fields, young Morty was born
Soon after that came the twins Millie and Mae
And then our pet Sam who was a stray.
Soon came the triplets Moe, Marty and Max,
We sure weren't doin' no shopping at Sak's
Sam's Club and Wal-Mart were more our speed
Ramen Noodles and crackers, that's all we did need.
We shop for clothes just twice a year,
But we feast like kings when you shoot a deer!
When you go hunting, I don't get much rest
I dream about you in your day-glo vest.
Dreams of stray bullets wizzing all around
Please please stay close to the ground.
And I need to warn about your hunting partner Billy,
He's the real father of our seventh kid, Milly.
Don't even bother asking about kid seventeen and eighteen
And why they look so much like our hunky mechanic Dean
But as far as bein' faithful, I've been faithful as you
Don't know what you see in your sister Sue
Our boy Michael has red hair and the milkman does too,
But Moe, Marty and Max wear glasses just like you
Misty takes after my parole officer, the older she gets
But the blue eyed blonde kids I'm taking bets.
Now, my Momma did try to warn me some
I think to myself, you just made my day!
Your hair was all greasy, your car was a mess...
There's a lot I need to tell you so I must confess
I put up with you for just one reason
and our love was limited to a single season
But during that season, you toyed with my heart,
your just not my type you act like an old fart!
You like old music, you dissed my tunes
I had to hand feed you with a spoon.
Life has not felt the same in years,
You're making me want to drink many, many beers
The door slowly shuts and I quick lock the door
While you kick, scream and holler
Oh, there is something sticky on the floor
Instead of you back, I'd take just a dollar.
The road we have travelled is bumpy at best,
You say, "I still love you," but surely you jest!
Go away now, or I'll call the police,
Good Lord, old man, your name isn't even on the lease!
You don't even have the strength to open the door,
Oh come on, haven't we been here before!
My resistance is weakening - please go away
If you don't I swear you will somehow pay
You don't have a dollar, not even a buck,
You drive a raggedy, beat-up truck.
Your sweatpants are dirty; your sleeves are not rolled
Your shoes are all stinky and your socks full of holes.
I'll sure miss your kitten, I'll sure miss your dog,
But I won't miss one bit how you kiss like a frog!
Your teeth are almost gone and covered in slime,
But I still love you so, just give me some time.
We have 18 kids who need us now,
Go hook up the old horse and plow.
A long time ago we stood on the back-forty,
Back when I was pregnant with our oldest boy, Morty
We grew our own beans and corn,
And in the tee-backy fields, young Morty was born
Soon after that came the twins Millie and Mae
And then our pet Sam who was a stray.
Soon came the triplets Moe, Marty and Max,
We sure weren't doin' no shopping at Sak's
Sam's Club and Wal-Mart were more our speed
Ramen Noodles and crackers, that's all we did need.
We shop for clothes just twice a year,
But we feast like kings when you shoot a deer!
When you go hunting, I don't get much rest
I dream about you in your day-glo vest.
Dreams of stray bullets wizzing all around
Please please stay close to the ground.
And I need to warn about your hunting partner Billy,
He's the real father of our seventh kid, Milly.
Don't even bother asking about kid seventeen and eighteen
And why they look so much like our hunky mechanic Dean
But as far as bein' faithful, I've been faithful as you
Don't know what you see in your sister Sue
Our boy Michael has red hair and the milkman does too,
But Moe, Marty and Max wear glasses just like you
Misty takes after my parole officer, the older she gets
But the blue eyed blonde kids I'm taking bets.
Now, my Momma did try to warn me some
