Kids and hitting adults

[robinb]

Robinb - For your sake I hope this theory isn't true because your DD is a real cutie.

 

[malibuconlee]

I have a few questions about the younger one. He is deaf (hard of hearing) and wears hearing aids and uses sign language. Do his parents and grandmother also use sign language? Is there actual communication going on? Or is a like the tourist who goes to another country and doesn't know the language but insists that they understand him just fine. Right now I am working with deaf kindergarden kids. One of the reasons I am there is that I do use sign language. The principal tried the pool sub for a week until the para and interpreter went to her and insisted that this class had to have a substitute proficient in sign language. That one week it was total chaos because there was little communication happening.
I find that often the best way of communicating is my facial expression. Stern, angry, fed up, loving. Also body language. You can't be a straight faced hearing person with them because they don't hear the oral modulations in your voice. Hearing use mdulate the voice but deaf use expression and body language to convery meaning to what they are communicating.
Btw when I started with this class 6 weeks ago I had one child who is autistic as well as deaf. She would kick and hit me daily multiple times. Now all I have to do is give her my "you better not look" and she behaves. Haven't been kicked for 2 weeks now so It took about a month.

His mom is with him for all the area aid visits and uses sign language with him. The grandmother knows some/most of the signs he uses, or has in the past, honestly I don't remember seeing her use them this weekend.

The older brother used to know most of the signs as well, now I"m not sure he's learning more because he's in school and not home when the area aid comes in.

They want to start him at the school district's preschool next fall so that would give him two years before kindergarten. The mom still hasn't signed him up because he's "my baby". That's one of the biggest problems. She still sees him as a baby. Even last summer she made the comment that there would be two babies at Christmas that year (DH's older sister had a little girl last summer). We had to tell her that he'll be 4 months from being three and not a baby anymore.

They've said he will get help with all of his issues there, including speech, potty training, his eating issues, etc.

ONe thing I don't understand is the mom wears hearing aids herself and should know what a struggle things will be for him. I would think she'd want to push him, or I think I would in her situation, instead she seems to be holding him back.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, just wanted to say that at 2 1/2, IMHO, a child is still a toddler and a baby! (especially one with special needs which may cause delays!!!)

Government early intervention programs do not even begin until after the child has had their third birthday!!! (talking about things related to school, not an individual parent pro-actively seeking professional help for special needs such as deafness/autism/etc...)

For the mother, picking at her and judging her and correcting her with YOUR opinion about something as trivial as semantics might have been quite RUDE, and will only serve to make sure that she resents you and will never give any consideration to a thing you have to say.

You say that "you think she would want to 'push' him."

Classic comment from a non-parent. One thing that you learn very very quickly, by experience, once you have actually become a parent, and been-there yourself, is that you can't 'force' or 'push' things... encouragement and providing opportunity yes. 'pushing' no.

A child who is pushed and stressed beyond their developmental levels and capabilities will be apt to develop frustration and behavioral problems. ie. hitting.

 

[justhat]

I didn't know that the child was deaf. To me, that would mean a lot in terms of behavior if no one is really signing to him because it probably leads to a lot of frustration. I'm not saying that any disability is an excuse for poor behavior, but I do think it can explain some behavior.

Also, I think all moms think of their kids as their babies, despite their age, and especially if it's the last kid. My daughter started preschool last fall and it was so hard for me to drop off my "baby" everyday after spending 24 hours a day for 18 months with her. Sometimes that feeling is seen even more when the child has a disability. My niece was born with congenital eye defects that left her blind in 1 eye, which she ended up having to get removed when she was almost 3yo. My SIL admits that she babies her more than she should because she feels badly about all the obstacles the kid has to go through on a daily basis. There have been times that my husband and I think that she should discipline her more, but we also understand why she somestimes lets her get away with more than she should and she's an overall good kid who is doing well despite her problems so we don't say anything.

 

[robinb]

Wait just a minute.

You're complaining that a 2 year old who is deaf is hitting?!? Two is a very difficult age. They have needs and wants and feelings that they cannot communicate easily. Add to the mix a child who doesn't hear (well or at all) and a mom who uses hearing aides and I would be surprised if he didn't find hitting an effective way of communicating. Their 5 year stopped the behaviour and so will the 2 year old in time.

Of course, that child still need limits, discipline etc. I'm not saying he doesn't. However, this family has different needs than my family does or many of the other people who answered your question. Raising a child with disabilities is very, very difficult. My sister has two children who are autistic and I see her struggle with it every day.

My opinion: Butt out and let them raise their children without any comments from the Peanut Gallery.

BTW, for many of us in many ways a 24-30 month old really is still a "baby".

 

[RadioNate]

I've seen the older one hit his mom last summer at a campground, so that's sort of in public. The other incidents have been at their home or grandma's house. They honestly don't go out much. I went to the mall with them last year for the younger one's 2 year pics at Sears and they don't act much differently there.

That day the then 4 yo laid down in the middle of the mall floor because he didn't want to go back inside the store while his mother picked out photos. I still remember the looks I got from this little old lady sitting there while it happened. He rammed the stroller into his mom's legs multiple times, then got mad when I took the stroller away from him.

lol My ds does this all the time.

Belive me it is frustrating and embarassing to have a nearly 5 year old who falls to the floor like you are killing him over the dumbest little things. He did it several times this weekend at DH's hockey games.

It was time for the play area to close and of course we had to leave and he was mad. So he laid in the middle of the floor and wouldn't move. You always see parents do that cutsy 'mom's leaving' thing. I could have left and he would have stayed there screaming.

Then there was the nuggets incident. "I WANT NUGGETS NOW" well not only do they NOT sell nuggets, there was 5 min left in the period so everything was closed. I calming explained that things were closed and he'd have to wait. You would have thought I told him that I killed his cat.

Because of this he lost his bedtime books and play hockey gear at home. Telling him that in public just makes the fits worse. The quickest way for me to get him to stop is just to ignore him. Dirty looks, threats, stern talking to's etc all make the situation worse. If I can't immediately leave the situation, it is best to tell him he will be getting a punishment but defer talking about it until we are out of public.

Parenting a child like this is hard. VERY hard. I wish we were all blessed with easy children but it doesn't work that way.

Oh, last summer the one and only time they spent the night at our house was interesting. I took them to church with us and during the young disciples time when the minister has all the kids come up and talks to them the older one hit the younger one in front of the whole church. The younger one was sitting on my lap and the older one wanted to sit right next to me, touching me. The younger one squirmed just enough to touch his older brother, so the older one hits him because "he hit me first". I was mortified because I'd never seen another kid at church do this.

Frankly this seems like normal kid/sibling stuff to me. Kids who don't reguarly go to church have a hard time being still for the service.

ETA - I have a deaf nephew who's behavior makes my DS look like a saint. There definately could be a bigger issue there.

I agree with the others...butt out. And someday when you have your own children you will realize that you don't have all the answers. Children are little people not robots who do exactly what you want them to do.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

It is not the norm and certainly not proper behavior. Those that willfully allow their chidl to hit without consequence (whether or not it works) are really disservicing their child as well as themselves.

OP--your family is wrong and the child is being taught that hitting is okay.

ETA: One day I'll learn to read ALL the pages of the thread--just caught the first page and just followed up on the last page and see the child is deaf.
WOW--that does make a difference. I'll keep the rest of my opinions to myself as I do not have a special needs child.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I also had to comment on the look from the little old lady. Yep, some people will give "that look". Others will give a different look of, "been there, done that, you will survive it and it will get better". That's the look I try to give if I'm going to give any look.

Then there are the ladies who I saw the other day when I had my 3 boys and 2 of their friends at a Taco Bell. Their two friends are of a different race so it was faily obvious that I didn't have 5 out of control goofy boys. We were getting ready to leave and my DH left with my 12yo and his friend and I was left with my 6yo, my 15yo and his friend. The two teens were out of control silly and I finally shooed them out of the Taco Bell only to look up and see the look of two old ladies.

They gave me an amused look and I said, "they are not all mine" and they laughed and said, "I didn't think so". They were obviously enjoying watching the interactions.

No, my kids were not being bratty, but silly. However, I have a feeling that had it been my 6yo having a hissy fit about something, those same ladies would have said some supportive comment. Not all people are out to judge--some remember how hard it was to be a parent. I know that I will make myself remember in the years to come, as much as I'd like to forget.

 

[mickeyboat]

I agree with everyone else. Aren't you glad I posted?

My kids are perfect angels at school. Neither one has been disciplined once this year. Of that I am very proud. We must be doing something right.

But they definitely save it all up for us at home. We discipline them for sure, but sometimes I give them a little break at home, since they have been holding it in all day, and we all act worse at home than when we are out in public.

My 6 year old is a drama queen. Refusing to allow her to wear flip flops to school is grounds for a tantrum. We try really hard to put her in her room, and ignore her until it is over. Last night she was really tired and got frustrated with a toy and threw it down the stairs. I spoke to her about respecting her things, especially since I was buying them. She went to her room and I could hear her crying and wailing and complaining to her bunny. It lasted a good 10 minutes, after which she came downstairs as happy as she could be - with no more problems for the rest of the night.

The reason I tell you this is because sometimes we all need to blow off a little steam. We all have strong emotions that we need to deal with, which may be exacerbated by exhaustion or hunger or stress. As parents we do our best to teach kids the appropriate way to deal with emotions. The same thing might not work for every kid, so keep trying to see what works.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[Talking Hands]

Wait just a minute.
You're complaining that a 2 year old who is deaf is hitting?!? Two is a very difficult age. They have needs and wants and feelings that they cannot communicate easily. Add to the mix a child who doesn't hear (well or at all) and a mom who uses hearing aides and I would be surprised if he didn't find hitting an effective way of communicating. Their 5 year stopped the behaviour and so will the 2 year old in time.

Now with the information that the mother is deaf or hard of hearing as well I am truly wondering if the OP is misreading cultural differences. In the deaf world what may look like hitting (And feel that way from a child at times) may indeed with an attention getting device. I see it frequently with my friends who are deaf with their children (hearing and deaf) and they will poke or tap them to get their attention or even grab their face and turn to it to them. I have also seen them toss something across the room at a deaf person to get their attention.
Fact is I have done it myself. Tap a student, bang the table, throw a pencil, even turn a face to me because the child is ignoring me. It's the Deaf Way.
Since Mom and Grandmom know sign there is probably no lack of communication just some deaf culture going on. Oh they do learn to be gentler as they grow older. The 5th grader in our older class was in today to bring me some papaers and he now has a very gentle tap but boy did he hit hard as a 5 yo.

 

[mickeyboat]

Now with the information that the mother is deaf or hard of hearing as well I am truly wondering if the OP is misreading cultural differences. In the deaf world what may look like hitting (And feel that way from a child at times) may indeed with an attention getting device. I see it frequently with my friends who are deaf with their children (hearing and deaf) and they will poke or tap them to get their attention or even grab their face and turn to it to them. I have also seen them toss something across the room at a deaf person to get their attention.
Fact is I have done it myself. Tap a student, bang the table, throw a pencil, even turn a face to me because the child is ignoring me. It's the Deaf Way.
Since Mom and Grandmom know sign there is probably no lack of communication just some deaf culture going on. Oh they do learn to be gentler as they grow older. The 5th grader in our older class was in today to bring me some papaers and he now has a very gentle tap but boy did he hit hard as a 5 yo.

That makes a lot of sense Lisbet.

Denae

 

[Talking Hands]

I
ETA: One day I'll learn to read ALL the pages of the thread--just caught the first page and just followed up on the last page and see the child is deaf.
WOW--that does make a difference. I'll keep the rest of my opinions to myself as I do not have a special needs child.

From the rest of the thread I doubt that the parent even sees the child as special needs as she is also deaf or hard of hearing. At least not the deafness.
And I also think that what is going on is happening is a hearing relative no understanding deaf culture and the devices they use to get the attention of another deaf person.

 

[challada]

oops double pst

 

[challada]

Now with the information that the mother is deaf or hard of hearing as well I am truly wondering if the OP is misreading cultural differences. In the deaf world what may look like hitting (And feel that way from a child at times) may indeed with an attention getting device. I see it frequently with my friends who are deaf with their children (hearing and deaf) and they will poke or tap them to get their attention or even grab their face and turn to it to them. I have also seen them toss something across the room at a deaf person to get their attention.
Fact is I have done it myself. Tap a student, bang the table, throw a pencil, even turn a face to me because the child is ignoring me. It's the Deaf Way.
Since Mom and Grandmom know sign there is probably no lack of communication just some deaf culture going on. Oh they do learn to be gentler as they grow older. The 5th grader in our older class was in today to bring me some papaers and he now has a very gentle tap but boy did he hit hard as a 5 yo.

YES! Thank you, Lisbeth! I just started reading this and noticed the hearing aids got mentioned on page one and not picked up on again until page 4...so I was going to address the Deaf Culture issue more than the hitting issue.

I agree that if kid wears aids, this is not a huge shock that he is hitting to get attention. Now, if the older one thinks it's OK, that's another story. You also may not agree with the nutritional choices or parenting style, but sounds like the family themselves are comfortable with their own choices and should be left at that.

The one thing I would say is that mom better get off her rump on the preschool issue...if she thinks the district will just hold a spot for him forever because he has hearing aids, she's in for a surprise. She will need to make a decision of special ed placement or NOT by the time he is 3 years of age...not when she feels like it in the fall sometime. Sped preschools and services are vital learning experiences for kids, but the numbers of kids keeps growing while us specialists numbers do not, so services get spread thin.
He SHOULD already be in a birth to three special service program in his area which CAN address the hearing, speech, signing, toileting, and feeding issues.

 

[robinb]

Talking Hands,

Thanks for another view on why the 2-year old may be hitting.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

From the rest of the thread I doubt that the parent even sees the child as special needs as she is also deaf or hard of hearing. At least not the deafness.
And I also think that what is going on is happening is a hearing relative no understanding deaf culture and the devices they use to get the attention of another deaf person.

Makes sense if mom is deaf as well.

I am picturing behavior consistent with the hearing that would be inappropriate. What happens with the deaf when they are small--I am limited to the entertainment world and what they provide. Which is not much of a clear understanding of deaf culture.

 

[justhat]

I just want to add after rereading the 1st page that his eating habits, other than the candy/soda thing, are not unusual to a toddler. Eating only 2 foods can be pretty typical of the age. Starting around 19 months or so my daughter only wanted to eat pasta or rice for every single meal. (This merged to one item which she called 'pata-ice'.) She liked other foods and would eat them on occasion, but that was very, very rare. Oh, and it was specific pasta too-no mac and cheese, just regular spaghetti type with red sauce. Same for the rice, sticky white rice only. This lasted around 6 months and now she's starting to open her food horizons again-she even tried a taco this week, speaking of Taco Bell, and ate the whole "tato". But pasta and or rice are still her favorites now at 25 months.

 

[malibuconlee]

From the rest of the thread I doubt that the parent even sees the child as special needs as she is also deaf or hard of hearing. At least not the deafness.
And I also think that what is going on is happening is a hearing relative no understanding deaf culture and the devices they use to get the attention of another deaf person.

A closed fist punch to grandma's face is what I saw Saturday night. To me that's not a cultural thing, it's just wrong.