Just unloading...

[Aurora63]

Not even sure if it is a vent, really, just need to unload.

I am 29 and married. I've been married for 7 years. When we got married, we were both sure that we wanted children. Our thought was to start a family after we had both graduated from college and we were 'settled.' Of course we didn't really talk about what that meant.

Anyway, now I'm really ready. I am a teacher. My DH works selling wholesale electronic components. He makes decent money (more than me, which is good.) We don't own a home yet but we are looking. But even without the home I feel like we are settled pretty well. And, well, I'm 29...I can hear the clock in my ears getting louder and louder each day. But he is still hesitant.

It's as though he wants to wait until everything is perfect. I know if we keep waiting for the perfect time, it will never come and my window of opportunity will close. He just doesn't get that, for some reason. But then I worry that maybe he really just doesn't want to have kids at all, which makes me sad and scared. Children are not something I am willing to give up on, ever. We've talked about it extensively, and he assures me that yes, he wants children too, just not right now, and he is not sure when. That kind of answer is just horrible in my eyes! It's like the man who is not sure he wants to marry you, yet you hang around in the hopes that he'll change...I feel like I'm in the same position, only it's for starting a family.

Then there is the matter of birth control. I've been on the pill since we were married. One of my friends actually told me to secretly go off the pill, and then if I got pregnant, tell him that accidents happen. I don't think I could do that. But another big nightmare is that I'll go off the pill and find that for some reason, we can't have kids anyway. Does it affect your fertility to be on the pill for so many years? All my drs. have said no, it doesn't matter, but still it's in the back of my mind.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I just really needed to unload, this has been on my mind a lot lately. My not so nice father made a comment to me the other night that he didn't think I'd ever have kids, because I was getting old. Is 29 really that old to have kids??? For goodness sakes, I thought you were fine through most of your thirties!!! It really hurt when he said that. Like there's no hope already. I refuse to believe that.

I know a lot of you are going through far worse in your lives than this, and this might be almost trivial in the grand scheme of things. But thanks for listening in any case, maybe say a little prayer for me when you can, for a happy family in which both the mom and dad are looking forward to their childrens arrival.

 

[disneymama73]

Then there is the matter of birth control. I've been on the pill since we were married. One of my friends actually told me to secretly go off the pill, and then if I got pregnant, tell him that accidents happen. I don't think I could do that. But another big nightmare is that I'll go off the pill and find that for some reason, we can't have kids anyway. Does it affect your fertility to be on the pill for so many years? All my drs. have said no, it doesn't matter, but still it's in the back of my mind.

I was on the pill for many years and got pg 2 months after going off of it, so try not to let that worry you too much.

But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not secretly go off it and get pg that way. He will resent you big time! You don't want to start your family like that.

I like to write pro's and con's lists. Maybe the two of you could sit down together and come up with good reasons for waiting and good reasons for not waiting.

I wish you both happiness however it turns out.

 

[Aurora63]

I was on the pill for many years and got pg 2 months after going off of it, so try not to let that worry you too much.

But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not secretly go off it and get pg that way. He will resent you big time! You don't want to start your family like that.

I like to write pro's and con's lists. Maybe the two of you could sit down together and come up with good reasons for waiting and good reasons for not waiting.

I wish you both happiness however it turns out.

Oh, no way will I do that. I don't know what my friend was smoking when she thought of it. Thanks.

 

[paigevz]

Sometimes my dh needs time to get used to an idea. Just keep bringing it up bit by bit and maybe he'll come around pretty soon. Also, make sure he has opportunity to see babies/toddlers when they're being sweet (like when they're sleeping). Talk about what he likes to do in terms of sharing it with a son/daughter.

Don't worry, bc doesn't affect fertility...........age does, but you really are NOT old to have children!

 

[ashjohnson80]

I agree with not going off of the pill without telling him. If you're worried about it, maybe you could talk about it with your DH and if you decide to go off of it you can use another form of birth control until you're both ready. That's what I did because I was worried about being on the hormones for so long because I am high risk for breast cancer.

My DH always said that he wanted to have kids "one day" and every time that we thought that we would be ready he never was. But lately he's been talking about it a lot, and now I'm the one that is scared.

 

[IMissEd]

I went through this too. My hubby couldn't imagine living in an apartment with a baby. So, we waited until we moved into our own home before having the first of two. We are happy and content. Just keep open communication and start working on the house issues.

 

[disney4us2002]

Well, this will undoubtedly not be the popular opinion but I would explain to dh again that I'm feeling ready and then tell him that I'm going to go off the pill in X months. He will have to begin using bc himself or really "get" that you're serious and come to terms with his own unreadiness. Perhaps not all men are like this but my dh never seemed ready or as ready as me. There is no "perfect time". I don't think it seemed real to him til he could actually feel our first ds' kick.

OTOH, He knew for sure when he was absolutely done and got the permanent fix. I guess he figured I'd never feel "done", lol.

 

[Stitch1404]

I think if everyone waited until both they and their spouse felt 100% ready to have a baby the world would be extinct! No, but really, it's a HUGE responsibility to take on, you're talking about another human being. Is it possible that he's just scared about that? I know my DH doubted that he could care for another human, it takes time to get used to the idea. Hopefully with more and more talking with your husband you will both come to an agreement you are happy with. Hopefully there will be a little one in your near future!

 

[Redbudlover]

Boy, lot of opinions about this. But I agree with you when you say you don't want to wait around forever and find he is never ready. I would suggest you set a time aside to talk to him about what he will need to "be ready." Have a piece of paper and talk about just what will make him comfortable regarding the time. If it is a certain amount of money in the bank, owning a house, maybe a promotion, write all those things down. Then explore how long he thinks it will take to achieve those goals. Explore whether you feel willing to wait for the arrival of those things and the time frame necessary. Then get from him a commitment to have a baby once those things are in place. Be sure not to put words in his mouth. He might say he wants a house first when in fact it is an emotional readiness that is not measurable. And if it is not measurable, he may very well never be ready. You then have to consider - and talk to him about it - whether you want to remain married to him if that means being childless. He needs to know the depth of your desire to have a family if he is to understand the real dynamic. IMO deceit and threats only put you in a potentially risky position.

 

[rparmfamily]

You've been together a long time, and I'm under the assumption you know your DH very well. I'm sure my idea isn't "popular" either.

I agree with the other poster--this is what I'd do. I'd tell DH I'm going off the pill in two months. You're tired of being on it, you want your body to regulate it's self or something like that, makes you moody, whatever. Make him responsible for the BC for awhile. You've done your part, KWIM?

Tell him you're ready to start a family and what ask him what needs to happen for him to feel ready? The thought is so scary but so exciting too, getting that first positive!

Good luck!

 

[Tiggerlover91]

I hope this doesn't sound funny, but I'm 37 and no kids yet. However, DH is now the one talking in present tense....he doesn't say if we have a son or daugher, he says when we have a son or daughter. Does my heart good to hear that. I know plenty of woman who have healthy children well into their 40s. I know many of us prefer to have them younger as it is easier in many aspects, but I'll be happy to just have my hopefully by time I'm 38. Hang in there, be strong, my DH was like yours for more than half of our marriage, we've been married for 15 years and now he's the one ready to have children! Watch out world!!

 

[Syrreal]

I just wanted to say that if you don't have a pre-existing condition of some sort (whether you know of it or not), you probably won't have trouble with the BC. I was on it for 10 years straight. I got off it last December and DH and I used condoms for a few months just to make sure everything was out of my system. Next thing we know we are pg (BTW, I am the same age you are). And as far as age goes, don't listen to your dad, my mom had me at 35 and my brother at 36 so you still have plenty of time.

I will agree that you may never feel 100% ready to have a kid. We're having one and I'm still not sure I am ready. And financially you guys seems stable at least and if you wait until you can "afford" a kid, you will never have one.

Talk to your DH. Explain that you are ready and list why you feel that you are both steady enough to have one. I agree with disney4us2002, explain that you are getting off the pill on X date and that he wil have to be in control of the birth control. I didn't have to convince DH of anything (he was ready before I was) but if your is anything like mine, he will get tired REALLY quickly of using condoms.

 

[momof2stars]

You've been together a long time, and I'm under the assumption you know your DH very well. I'm sure my idea isn't "popular" either.

I agree with the other poster--this is what I'd do. I'd tell DH I'm going off the pill in two months. You're tired of being on it, you want your body to regulate it's self or something like that, makes you moody, whatever. Make him responsible for the BC for awhile. You've done your part, KWIM?

Tell him you're ready to start a family and what ask him what needs to happen for him to feel ready? The thought is so scary but so exciting too, getting that first positive!

Good luck!

I agree too!

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

hugs to you and i really think you need to have a heart to heart with DH, maybe he's just scared. i was TERRIFIED of being a mom and it was DH that said we were ready to bring children into our home he's wanted them since he knew i was the ONE!