Just remember, if he cheats with you,

[Seagrove]

Are you kidding me? So that makes it OK? What about his monogamous relationship with his wife?

No, ma'am. I'm not kidding, but I don't think my reply in any way condones the behavior. Instead, my reply was framed in response to what you seemed to be focused on:

Just remember, if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you!

I hope they realize that what goes around, comes around.

You said those things as if the specter of a cheating man should be enough to keep a woman from being a cheater. But my response offered an example of why someone might not care.

 

[Disney Doll]

You know, somewhere along the way, I remember reading a fictional short story about a woman who had married the man she had cheated with. He had left his first wife to marry her, his second wife.

So now she's the second wife, and they've been married like 10 years, and she starts to see a couple of the "signs" of him cheating again (because after all, he had done them with her so she was well-versed in his "modus operandi"). She does some snooping and finds out he is cheating on her with a younger woman. The usual hoopla ensues...tears, guilt, recriminations, attempts at reconciliation.

Finally, one day, she's had it. She packs his things and brings them to his girlfriend's house. Girlfriend opens the door and says "You mean, I've won?". Wife replies "That all depends on what it is you actually think you have won".

That's the thing I don't understand about it. You cheat with someone. They divorce their spouse and marry you. You have now tied yourself to someone who has proven that they are capable of cheating on their spouse.

Why would you do that? It makes no sense.

 

[poptoone]

I had inlaws who were like this. One wife (cheated with man while he was married and broke up said marriage) was complained because she had caught him cheating on her. I was like duh, shouldn't come as a complete surprise that he isn't faithful. She couldn't figure out why I would say something like that!

 

[SharkyGoddess]

Finally, one day, she's had it. She packs his things and brings them to his girlfriend's house. Girlfriend opens the door and says "You mean, I've won?". Wife replies "That all depends on what it is you actually think you have won

This is exactly what I was going to point out. Some women truly believe they are in some sort of a competition with the "other woman" AKA the wife, and feel that when he comes to her for affections, she has won. It's a really sad and pathetic mentality really.

 

[Banshee]

You should have asked if he had pillows in his truck.

Seriously though, I think its because the guy, your nephew in this case, is in a relationship. I was told by a female friend once that it shows a man can be in a long term relationship. That it shows its not just all about sex.

I have heard this lame excuse before. But if a married guy screw's around with you then, that just blows that whole theory out of the water. There is no excuse for hitting on a married person it is wrong. My DH had a girl hit on him and he told her " I am happily married with beautiful children and I would never in a million years do that!! I would never hurt my wife that way OR my children!!" She is lucky I didn't see her!!

 

[CapeCodTenor]

I have heard this lame excuse before. But if a married guy screw's around with you then, that just blows that whole theory out of the water. There is no excuse for hitting on a married person it is wrong. My DH had a girl hit on him and he told her " I am happily married with beautiful children and I would never in a million years do that!! I would never hurt my wife that way OR my children!!" She is lucky I didn't see her!!

Never said there was, just pointing out what I've heard.

 

[Ride Junkie]

I know this!

My ex cheated on me -- with my best friend! After living without him for 6 months and going to a support group and a therapist (LOL!), I realized I was better off without him. I told my friend she could have him. And have him she did.

She moved into "our" house, kept all of our furniture the same, kept my decorating the same, bought a car just like mine, and even named their first child the name that he and I were going to name our first child - EWWW!!! (and it's a very unusual name)


They're separated now. He had an affair with a friend of hers.

And it just keeps going around and around and around.................

I'm sorry, but that last part made me laugh out loud. What a psycho! Isn't it nice to know how much better off you are!

 

[dameodie]

It's not just men, of course....women can be serial cheaters too. Marry, cheat, marry again, cheat again... it sickens me, truly it does. Plus it's a wonderful example to set for any kids she may have...

 

[Barbossa]

I was told by a female friend once that it shows a man can be in a long term relationship. That it shows its not just all about sex.

That's 'cause long term relationships and sex are mutually exclusive!

 

[Barbossa]

My DH had a girl hit on him and he told her " I am happily married with beautiful children and I would never in a million years do that!! I would never hurt my wife that way OR my children!!"

Good man, that's my attitude also. I would never risk losing my family over any such encounter. Yeah, we all fantasize about a tryst with some hottie, but a million of 'em aren't worth what I've already got. Men (or women) who leave their children to be with another person are the lowest form of slime.

 

[Tiggernut_jadie]

My manager at work lives and breathes the OP's original adage...

When he first came to work with us (he wasn't the boss then just a regular social worker) he had moved to the area to move in with his girlfriend. He is a very 'flirty' type character anyway and seems to love playing the knight in shining armour to women with marital problems. Anyway within a year he had started and affair with one of our social work assistants who had just come out of a long term relationship (with 2 kids). Eventually his girlfriend found out and dumped him! He moved in with the 'other woman' and they lived together for a number of years - even having a child together and getting engaged.

Fast forward to last September...the guy is now our manager and his partner has moved on to another social work team. We have anew assistant start who is married with 2 teenage sons. Shortly afterwards this woman and our manager start going out for 'long lunches' and she is even spotted cleaning her teeth in the restroom before lunch (ewww! ). Eventually the guy's partner finds out (rumour has it one of our staff let it 'slip') and she turns up at our office with all the guys stuff in black garbage bags and dumps it in the reception in front of everyone!

The 'new woman' leaves her husband and the two of them move in together. A couple of weeks ago she comes to work in a hell of a state as he has now begun 'seeing' a woman at the gym and she is in the doubly difficult situation as this guy is both he ex AND her boss!

AS the OP said what goes around comes around....I'm afraid I find it very difficult to show her any sympahy whatsoever. As for him - well.........

 

[Cool-Beans]

I know a guy who is divorcing wife #3. She's leaving him because he cheats. You'd think she'd have figured that out when she met him and he started sleeping with her while married to wife #2, who was also a mistress-turned-wife who couldn't take the cheating.

He likes to be married because he enjoys the company, sex and person who cleans. But he has no intention - even going into these marriages! - of remaining faithful. He tells them he does, but he doesn't. Everyone knows it!! Some even point it out to the wives-to-be, but do they listen? Nope.

He tries to just live with them, but they push for marriage. "If I don't marry her, she'll leave," he says. I tell him she won't and he says, "But she'll keep whining about it." I ask why he cares if they leave..."Well, somebody has to wash the dishes." He's kidding, but he isn't.

This wife asked me if I thought he was sleeping with someone at work and I said, "Probably. He sleeps with lots of women. He cheats on his wives...I thought you knew that when you married him." He was kind of mad at me for that, said he thought I was one he could trust to bring his girlfriend-wives around and asked me if I was going to do it again. ...because he's obviously planning to do this again.

Women who cheat with married men and end up marrying him and being mad that he cheats are just dumb.

 

[Ride Junkie]

Wow, these stories are great! I love it when the 'other woman' finally marries the guy & gets all hissy when he cheats on her. Heh heh!

DH and I have an understanding: If you plan on cheating, just let me know so I can bail. (He said it to me first; I guess that happened to him before.) Neither of us wants to be with a cheater. Seriously, is losing a great relaitionship really worth it?!

 

[disneyfan67]

That's the thing I don't understand about it. You cheat with someone. They divorce their spouse and marry you. You have now tied yourself to someone who has proven that they are capable of cheating on their spouse.

Why would you do that? It makes no sense.

You have asked a question that I have often wondered about, most of my adult life. I understand some people cheat for various reasons and have a ton of excuses why they did it. What I don't understand is why then marry this person you cheated with and think it will be any different?

I had a room mate many years ago that I thought was my best friend. He was a likable, funny guy. He had an affair with a married secretary from his work place. I was against it and it made me uncomfortable when she came over and would spend the night. I used to overhear the elaborate lies she would tell her husband on her cell phone and it just sickened me to see both her and my friend together. I remember she came into a local bar my buddy and I were at with her husband. She acted like it was a complete surprise that she ran into someone she worked with and introduced her husband to both of us. Of course it was a planned meeting between her and my friend and they both thought they were so slick. My friend and her husband were sharing a beer, talking, laughing, etc, and I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. There's no way I could look another man in the eye and know inside I was having sex with his wife on the side.

That was it for me and not only did I disapprove of the way he was going about this, I also knew my time in his house was coming to an end. I tried talking to him about this and being the voice of reason, but it fell on deaf ears and it forever affected our relationship as friends. She ended up divorcing her husband and later marrying my former friend. Of course she cheated on him many times and was caught in the act by several people I knew. My former friend got what was coming to him in the end and deserved every bit of it. I thought of them both when I read your great post, Disney Doll.

 

[SirReal]

Guess I'm the exception to the rule. I cheated on my 1st wife because I didn't love her and we didn't connect. May be a crappy excuse but that's what happened. I ended up marrying the woman I was cheating with and we've been married for over 12 years and I have never cheated. Not even thought about it. The wife is great and we have a strong, solid relationship.

 

[Barbossa]

I think we need to get some of these cases on (TV Show) "Cheaters". The version with Tommy Grand, not Joey Greco.

 

[imsorry]

No, ma'am. I'm not kidding, but I don't think my reply in any way condones the behavior. Instead, my reply was framed in response to what you seemed to be focused on:



You said those things as if the specter of a cheating man should be enough to keep a woman from being a cheater. But my response offered an example of why someone might not care.

I didn't mean you condone it; I'm jumping on and off here too quickly: I mean, does that mean in their minds it is OK?

 

[Cool-Beans]

I have known three women who slept with married men. Well, three that told me.

One liked it because there were no strings. She knew he wouldn't be falling in love and that kind of stuff. She started this when she was 17 and kept it up until she was about 30 and decided that maybe a guy of her own wouldn't be such a bad idea. But for 13 years, she slept with married men. Single men, too. But LOTS of marrieds, especially cops. She had a thing for cops, don't ask me why.

Two because she was married and bored and met a guy at work she liked. They started off being pals at work, then a little flirty. Then one night, he kissed her in the bar and she was all excited, like a young person again. But she swore that would be the end of it. It wasn't. They'd all go out and the two of them would be left and make out in the car like teens. Then one morning he called and asked her to stop by his house for coffee. It went on from there and is still going on. She is seriously considering leaving her husband, who is a wonderful guy!! She says she knows Mr. Married won't leave his wife, but I KNOW she is hoping he will. He won't and she'll end up a single mom.

Third was single and met a guy who was married, but hit on her anyway. She liked him well enough and figured one time wouldn't be a big deal. One time turned into 2 and 3 and 4...eventually she fell in love and he dumped her. She is now over that and has sworn off of married men.

None of them cared about the wives because they figured the wife wouldn't find out and what she didn't know couldn't hurt her.

 

[Disney Doll]

Guess I'm the exception to the rule. I cheated on my 1st wife because I didn't love her and we didn't connect. May be a crappy excuse but that's what happened. I ended up marrying the woman I was cheating with and we've been married for over 12 years and I have never cheated. Not even thought about it. The wife is great and we have a strong, solid relationship.

Good for you!

Hopefully, the potential pressures of life as you travel down the road won't strain the wonderful connection you and your wife have, and make your old behaviors pop up again.

 

[Camicar]

Why would you do that?

Because you think YOU are special. That's why.

Every woman I've ever known who married a cheater honestly (or stupidly) believed that THEY were the special one, the soul mate, the love of the cheater's life and now that the cheater was with his soul mate, it would be different.

People mistake illicit for romantic and the thrill of hiding and sneaking with the thrill of finding love. Adrenaline can be confusing.