Just need to vent about Grandma

[lillygator]

As a Grandma, I say get over it!!!!!! You are getting the daycare for FREE. If you want everything done your way then hire a babysitter. You are totally lucky to have a caring grandparent willing to help you out. With you living so close to her, how many times do you drop the kids off just to run an errand or have date night or whatever and not pay her? I say the sweets aren't going to kill the kids and you can do what you please in YOUR house. You could push dinner off another hour or so or you can make a stink to a caring grandparent. Your call, but remember how much she does for you for little or nothing in return. I'm tired of grandparents getting stepped on.

I really don't think a request of no candy/sweets or no snack period equates to grandparents getting stepped on.

 

[Kitzka]

I think it's worth it to either push dinner to 6 or so or to talk to your Mom about limiting the snacks. There is no reason she can't be fun grandma and still give them say 1 sweet per day rather than 2 or 3.

That being said, my MIL only has 1 grand child from her son and (2 others from her daughter but they are very young) and won't allow my daughter (11) to eat sweets when they ahve her. She is a very rigid person and won't let DD eat fried food or sweets. she thinks it will make my daughter 'fat'. She can't have a conversation with my daughter without turning it into a school lesson (showed my daugher a pic of Mt. Saint Helens and it turned into a lesson on how and when the last erutption was.) It's to the point where my daughter does not want to spend time with these grandparents alone. Not because she fears for her safety but because she doesn't want to be lectured about leaves, spanish class, why sweets are bad for her, etc.

I have tried talking to my MIL about it but she says that these are things DD needs to know about. What she doesn't see is that her granddaughter doesn't want to spend anytime with her and it really makes me sad. I encourage DD to talk to MIL about it but as a kid she is afraid to. So instead we see them as a family and DD tries to suffer along.

okay sorry i got off topic there.

Lara

 

[mickeyboat]

My FIL gets my kids off the bus every day, picks them up and brings them to extra-curricular activities, and brings them home every night. We pay him a small amount every week.

It's a tough situation for everyone involved. He wants to be fun grandpa, but he wants to be part of the girls' everyday lives, too. If he wants to be there every day, he needs to be part of our parenting team, which means he needs to follow our rules.

That isn't to say we don't compromise. He can feed them some sweets, just not only sweets. He can blow off homework after school, just not on a night they have soccer.

My girls (10 & 9) also need to take some responsibility. They need to know there is a limit on sweets, they need to do their homework on soccer nights.

Last year was a struggle, but I have been pleasantly surprised at how well things are going this year. We are lucky to have him. He has not been feeling well lately, and I am so grateful that my girls have this time with their grandfather. It's worth them eating a few sweets.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Haven't read any other posts...but I'd be FURIOUS just like you! My MIL does things llike this as well. She brought dd (3)in from swimming (she wanted to play indoors) I come in to see dd eating icecream sand...which is ok until I find out she had already eaten chips & dip & a whole oatmeal cream pie & an Oreo.....HELLO! She's 3 for crying out loud!

Needless to say MIL is overweight (even after gastric bypass)

Sorry you have to fight this! Grandma needs to follow YOUR rules - but then if she's babysitting your kids for free then I guess she may fight you....

 

[stella27]

I would do both - talk to your mom AND move dinner back an hour. You could do this in a friendly manner - "mom, can snacks be moved to right after school so they don't interfere with supper and would you mind limiting them to one: ice cream OR cupcake? It's important that they still have room for their meat and potatoes."

I agree that you aren't kicking around any old people! My MIL is the same way. feeds them multiple popsicles because "they were hungry." And she is just as generous and indulgent with me, so it's hard to complain too much, but for the love of pete! If they are hungry, give them some cheese or something!

 

[KAMKIM]

I would do both - talk to your mom AND move dinner back an hour. You could do this in a friendly manner - "mom, can snacks be moved to right after school so they don't interfere with supper and would you mind limiting them to one: ice cream OR cupcake? It's important that they still have room for their meat and potatoes."

I agree that you aren't kicking around any old people! My MIL is the same way. feeds them multiple popsicles because "they were hungry." And she is just as generous and indulgent with me, so it's hard to complain too much, but for the love of pete! If they are hungry, give them some cheese or something!

You hit the nail on the head, I was not upset that it was something sweet and a special treat at grandmas....I was upset because it was a bowl of ice cream, a cup cake AND smarties!! I mean why not just pour some sugar down their throat and call it a day.

 

[Missy1961]

My FIL gets my kids off the bus every day, picks them up and brings them to extra-curricular activities, and brings them home every night. We pay him a small amount every week.

It's a tough situation for everyone involved. He wants to be fun grandpa, but he wants to be part of the girls' everyday lives, too. If he wants to be there every day, he needs to be part of our parenting team, which means he needs to follow our rules.

That isn't to say we don't compromise. He can feed them some sweets, just not only sweets. He can blow off homework after school, just not on a night they have soccer.

My girls (10 & 9) also need to take some responsibility. They need to know there is a limit on sweets, they need to do their homework on soccer nights.

Last year was a struggle, but I have been pleasantly surprised at how well things are going this year. We are lucky to have him. He has not been feeling well lately, and I am so grateful that my girls have this time with their grandfather. It's worth them eating a few sweets.

I know how you FIL feels. I have 14 nieces & nephews, only 2 live here in NY. When the oldest one was born almost 11 years ago, I knew I would be spending a lot of time with her (and I do), so I knew I couldn't only be the 'fun aunt' like I am for the others. I would be seeing her often (they live about 35 minutes away) so I had to walk a fine line. I'm not mom & dad but I often take care of them when mom & dad are away. So I compromise. When I'm with them on a school day or night, we're a bit more serious. Homework gets done, snacks are good ones like fruit or veggies & dip, bed time is important. When it's a weekend, all bets are off! We eat junk food, stay up late & watch silly movies, we play outside before we read books. It's worked so far.

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable here. But a little compromise could go a long way....maybe "mom, if you want to give them a treat, please do it a little earlier & maybe limit it to 1 sweet snack a day?". Just because the daycare is free doesn't mean it has to be no rules at all.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I don't agree with this at all.

First, as I said before, if it is a one time or rare thing let it go. However, except for the rare treat the dietary wishes of the parents should always be honored.

I dated a girl who was a vegetarian and had a 2 year old daughter. When her parents or friends were watching her they honored her parent's dietary wishes. When I watched her I did the same. I would never in a million years take her out for burgers and then say "Well, I didn't charge you so don't worry about it."

My mom would never feed my nephew anything against my brother or sister-in-law's wishes just because he wanted it.

It isn't bashing grandparents and just because it is free doesn't mean that the grandma has carte blanche to do what she wants. Too many sweets are not healthy and anyone choosing to do what is easy or will make the kids happy over what is good for them is lazy. As the adult you do what is best for their long term health, and in many people's opinion including mine it is not feeding them sugar laden empty calories. If a parent doesn't care about the candy fine, if they don't want them to have the candy that is fine too. The responsibility for the choices is the parents and the parents alone.

I can tell you're not a parent.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Haven't read any other posts...but I'd be FURIOUS just like you! My MIL does things llike this as well. She brought dd (3)in from swimming (she wanted to play indoors) I come in to see dd eating icecream sand...which is ok until I find out she had already eaten chips & dip & a whole oatmeal cream pie & an Oreo.....HELLO! She's 3 for crying out loud!

Needless to say MIL is overweight (even after gastric bypass)

Sorry you have to fight this! Grandma needs to follow YOUR rules - but then if she's babysitting your kids for free then I guess she may fight you....

I would not expect someone with an eating disorder to understand how to feed children properly.

 

[FireDancer]

I can tell you're not a parent.

How is this relevant? I'm agreeing with the parent's right to have their child fed the way they want even though I am in the position of grandma, watching someone else's kids. I babysit my nephew and my friend's kids often and do what their parent's request. If that means no snacks before dinner, that mean no snacks. If that means no candy period, that means no candy period. It is their child and I am only watching them, I won't ignore their requests. I don't give in just because it is the easy thing to do. I'm not a parent and even I can see that. Oh, and I am also doing it for free, so the "it is free so stop complaining" argument is moot.

I don't think that the requests of a parent should be ignored by someone else. This could be dietary, like this thread, but can extend to other things. If the parents don't want their kids spanked, no one watching them should spank them. If they allow television after 8pm, no one watching them should allow it after 8pm.

A once in a while exception will happen (well, maybe not with the spanking) but ignoring the request of a parent everyday is just not acceptable. I don't just feed them garbage because I want to be "fun Uncle Frank". I take them down to the park, or play a little ball in the backyard if I want to have fun with them. I sit with them and color for a while if I want to have fun with them. I have yet to be resented by any of the kids because I followed their parent's instructions.

Besides, someone who is a parent said basically the same thing I did, follow the parent's rules:

Sorry you have to fight this! Grandma needs to follow YOUR rules....

 

[KAMKIM]

Quick update. Grandma bought sugar free fudgies

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Quick update. Grandma bought sugar free fudgies

BAD! Danger Will Robinson. Sugar free causes diarrhea!!!

 

[KAMKIM]

BAD! Danger Will Robinson. Sugar free causes diarrhea!!!

Well they seemed fine yesterday.

 

[java]

Why not provide her with some "approved" special treats. Like some frozen yogurt bars, Or whatever is ok in your house but they don't get often. So that it's still a treat.

really I think you are so very lucky. I have a mother that I think barely knows the names of my children. She is just not interested at all. We went to visit recently and in the car on the way home my oldest said "I don't think Grandma said one word to me"

Not to say that pumping your kids full of sugar is something you should be grateful for. _ Just saying I think you are luckier than you may realize.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well they seemed fine yesterday.

They are fine in moderation however overindulge and you are paying for it.

I am just warning you. Not that I am speaking from experience.

 

[KAMKIM]

Why not provide her with some "approved" special treats. Like some frozen yogurt bars, Or whatever is ok in your house but they don't get often. So that it's still a treat.

really I think you are so very lucky. I have a mother that I think barely knows the names of my children. She is just not interested at all. We went to visit recently and in the car on the way home my oldest said "I don't think Grandma said one word to me"

Not to say that pumping your kids full of sugar is something you should be grateful for. _ Just saying I think you are luckier than you may realize.

Actually I realize very much how lucky I am to have my mom. My MIL is an alcoholic that shows up maybe twice a year, my girls dont even know who she is.

 

[LMC]

Since they are sugar free treats I doubt that there will ever be any over-indulging! Yuck!
I like the suggestion of having Friday treat day.

They are fine in moderation however overindulge and you are paying for it.

I am just warning you. Not that I am speaking from experience.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Quick update. Grandma bought sugar free fudgies

Yeah, loathe aspartame. It's the same crap as the junk food, it just has artificial sweeteners instead of natural ones. Bleh.

At least, though, it shows she's willing to compromise, that's really cool. Maybe send her down the natural foods aisle? If she has to feed them sugar, maybe if it's got a lot of fiber in it they'll at least be sugared up AND regular

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

How is this relevant? :

Because when people who aren't parents post on parenting threads, every person on here who IS a parent pretty much completely discounts everything you say.

Because until you've BTDT, you really don't know...

 

[FireDancer]

Because when people who aren't parents post on parenting threads, every person on here who IS a parent pretty much completely discounts everything you say.

Well that is pretty simple minded.